December 10, 2013 Change in perspective

As recently as last week, this was me:
But it's amazing what a change a week can make.  As I sit here, delaying going out into the cold, windy morning to start my gym routine again, I find that my perspective is more like this.


  What a difference a day, makes!

In truth, Mondays were less and less like the "before" picture above since I gave my notice at work. Instead, I was starting to say "Only 3 more Mondays...only 2 more Mondays...and finally, this is the last Monday I'll have to wake to an alarm, get up, get dressed and, <shudder>  commute!"

Now granted, my commute, compared to that of others, was not too bad.  20 minutes through beautiful, tree lined highways on a good day, 35 on a bad one, and occasionally, over an hour when idiocy stalked the route between my house and my office.

But being able to get up when I feel like it (Toby, the feline alarm clock notwithstanding), drink my coffee leisurely, catch up on email and such, and then head off to the gym as one of the many items on my growing To-Do list is, frankly, a little slice of heaven!  Granted, my To-Do list could be daunting if I let it.  But I figure that all I can do is mark things off one at a time, so I'm not going to sweat it if I only mark one or two things off today.

I know that I'll have days when I am lucky to check one item off my list, and others when I'm a productivity ninja, and both are equally important!  What I will try to remember, though, is to give myself lots of attagirls every time I do check something off of that list!

And I'm feeling pretty good about today.  I got the comforter Scooby horked on washed, the first of two loads of clothes through the washer, my desk completely cleaned off (a two hour job all by itself!), my first gym workout done, and got groceries and vitamins!  Pretty good for my first day of no work, and I got this post started early in the day as a bonus!

I'm feeling very confident that I can and will be able to maintain the schedules I've set for myself, and that I can be organized and efficient when necessary.

The only thing I seem to be missing right now is an appetite!  (not that this is a bad thing, really!)  It is nearly 6:30 and all I've eaten today is a couple of small pieces of cheese before going to the gym, a bagel with cheese and onion and an apple for lunch, and lots of water.  I'm currently debating whether or not I even want to bother heating up some turkey soup.  Guess I'll just listen to my body on this one!

For now, I'm grateful for the things I did accomplish, including a leisurely gym workout with lots of stretching at the end.  I'm also grateful that tomorrow's regime includes both a massage and a manicure!  I could definitely be a productivity ninja in between the two, despite the fact that the uncluttering of my office is, for now, limited to the desk.  But since that is the most important place for clutter to be gone, I am very pleased.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my ever-growing to do list.
2. I am grateful for the things I was able to remove from said list.
3. I am grateful for the excellent start I made on my new life.
4. I am grateful for the picture of daffodils I found during my cleaning, to remind me of the rebirth of me!
5. I am grateful for so much to do to fill my days, while still being able to follow my own schedule.

Love and light.

December 9, 2013 Rebirth: Daffodils and Redwoods.

This weekend at my A.R.T. class, my teacher gave me a birthday party.  She said that the new life I'm embarking upon is (and I'm not quoting her directly here) like being born into a new place.  So, essentially, it is a rebirth.  Interestingly, many other things I experienced this weekend point to that rebirth.  I saw daffodils in a practice session in which I was the recipient, and upon googling daffodils, my teacher found a page which described daffodils as signifying rebirth.

I also got a very strong picture of a giant redwood which had treehouses in the branches.  At first they seemed to be independent little worlds of their own, but later, I saw suspended bridges connecting them.  I believe this signifies my writing career and the stories I will tell.

Research into the redwoods yielded a lot of information, including the fact that they not only have new versions of themselves which can start quite a ways up the trunk, but that they also support an entire ecosystem in their boughs, far above the forest floor.  Again, I find the symbolism significant for me at this juncture in my life.

Although I have yet to pick my book back up since finishing the 50,000 word challenge last weekend, I will be continuing the habit of writing at least 2,000 words a day.  Though I was going to start tonight, I know that the weekends I have class are very intense, and not always conducive to letting my creativity flow.  Tomorrow will be soon enough, and will certainly be great once I get my office cleared as I'd like.

If all goes as planned, I'll get up by 8 and, after coffee and a light snack of a breakfast, head to the gym.  Afterwards, I'll get some grocery shopping done, then come home to start turning my office into a clear place to work.  There will definitely be smudging involved after my cleaning and organizing frenzy.  I want all of the energy to be clear for me to finish my first book and get it edited and ready to publish.

Unlike last night, I have no intention of staying up until 3 AM, though, once I'm back to my writing, I'm sure that will not be uncommon.  For the most part, I will be setting my own work hours which may or may not coincide with what the world sees as office job hours.  I never really fit into a niche, and now is definitely the time to live by my own timetable.  That means that I will no longer live my life according to a clock or to someone else's idea of normal work hours.

I will work the hours I need to to get whatever is on my plate done.  If, some days, that is only 2 hours and others, it is 12-14, that's what works for me.  For tomorrow, I'm inclined to ignore the phone and only answer email when it doesn't conflict with my other plans for the day, but the one thing I don't want to do is to become rigid in any way.  Rigidity and creativity are not a good mix!

I don't know right now if I'll work 10 hours doing accounting this month or 100, or somewhere in between.  What I do know is that the Universe is finally pleased with the direction I'm taking and will be right there with me (we are one, after all) to see me through wherever this takes me. I know that guidance will come when I need it, and when I don't, my world will be quiet while I walk my path.

I realized today that I will likely not be ready to follow a path of healing when my A.R.T. class ends in June.  I need to pursue other education before I can truly become the healer I envision.  I have a feeling that some of that education will come in the form of research for books, and one of the topics I intend to pursue is Shamanism.

I might even try to grow something without killing it for a change.  The one thing I am not setting for myself is strict boundaries.  I want to be able to dabble in whatever I find interesting.  If I go on to actually do something with it, fine.  If it just becomes material for a book, well that's fine too.

In short, I am finally giving myself the freedom, the permission,. to be whatever I want to be.  Tomorrow, I might be a fairy princess.  The next day, an astronaut.  Who knows?  The main thing is, I will have fun doing, imagining, being.  And that is truly what life is all about!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my A.R.T. class who helped me to realize that I was killing myself slowly, doing something that didn't satisfy my passion.
2. I am grateful for my cats who are tuned into my new energy, and loving it.
3. I am grateful for the people who encourage me.
4. I am grateful for my ability to allow what I need to come to me.
5. I am grateful for the healing sessions which give me titillating glimpses of my own possibilities, and make me want to know more!

Love and light.

December 6, 2013 The day has come!

Well, after a couple of insanely crazy weeks (is that redundant?), I have come to the end of my four weeks' notice and am, for all intents and purposes, a free woman!  I have no more requirements to show up at a regular time at a regular place, but, instead, will need to generate some business to sustain me physically, and write my little butt off to sustain me spiritually!  I think it's a fair trade!

It was a little sad to walk away from a job I've held for almost 6 years, but knowing deep in the depth of the soul that, not only is it the right thing to do, it is really the ONLY thing for me to do! 

I know I'll have some work in the coming months, though, how much is yet to be seen.  But I have no fear that I will have enough work to accomplish all of the lofty goals I've set for myself while allowing me ample time to ply the trade of my passion. 

There are so many things I want to accomplish in the next 3 weeks or so.  I will surely need to make lists in order to keep myself on track.

But, after my class this weekend, the first order of business will be to organize my space.  To that end, I ordered a new desk chair to replace the one I'm currently using which is rapidly losing parts of itself, never to be joined together again!

I did catch up on my homework, though, admittedly, it wasn't one of my better jobs.  The reading was interesting, despite the fact that it put me to sleep at a disgustingly early hour the other night, and the questions weren't too bad.  I just wasn't able to do everything I needed to for the class over the last 3 weeks.  I just had too much going on! 

While things are a bit calmer, I don't really expect them to slow down much. 

For now, I'm going to take a few deep breaths, take care of myself in ways I have missed through the craziness, and get into a new routine which involves healthy eating, adequate exercise, sunshine, and extended bouts of writing   I will also spend a lot of time just snuggling with my cats and organizing my space so it helps my soul to breathe!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for all of the opportunities that are lining up, waiting for me to pick them.
2. I am grateful for having been able to leave on a positive note, leaving doors open.
3. I am grateful for time to spend with my cats, even while I'm working and doing things which will take me places I've always wanted to go.
4. I am grateful for the abundance in my life on far too many levels to mention!
5. I am grateful for the encouragement and sometimes even ass kicking I'm getting from those who love me, in spite of my many faults! (or maybe even, because of them?)

Love and light.

December 5, 2013 It's finally here!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love ya tomorrow.  It's only a day away!

And also a day away is my last day of work!  After tomorrow, I'll consult, I'll freelance, but best of all, I'll write!!!  A portion of every day will be dedicated to following my passion, perfecting my craft, and best of all, getting something ready for publication! 

The die has been set, the wheels put in motion!  I'll be doing what I love and loving what I'm doing.  I've already proven to myself that I can get the imagination flowing if I just stop trying so hard and allow it to come..

Funny how allowing transmutes to other parts of our lives.  Sure, I'm allowing the good things to come to me...allowing abundance.  But I never even considered allowing creativity!  What was I thinking???

Creativity is the most wonderful thing of all to allow!  It feeds the soul!  It nourishes the deepest darkest part of me! 

OK, so I've neglected the homework for my class and am going to have to scramble to get it done in time.  I've failed to get the practice in I needed, but with a shorter span between classes, and a holiday week in between, added to my last week of work!  Well, I'm not going to get myself in a dither.  I know I'll get everything done that I need to, though the quality this time may suffer a bit.  I'll make up for it in the months to come!  I've freed myself up (or so I'd like to believe) to give my all to the things which are most important. 

I'll pursue those things with all of the passion of my being and the results will reflect that passion.

Whether I heal with my words or with my other tools, it will all be coming from my heart and be unencumbered by having to follow a life which depends on a clock! 

I feel so free and so passionate and so...light!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that my leap of faith is proving to be such an amazing decision.
2. I am grateful for the abundance which is in my life and which is attracting more to me.  I feel filled with love and joy and passion and creativity.
3. I am grateful for all of the people who have supported and applauded my decision.
4. I am grateful for all of the time to spend with my kitties for company while I follow my passion.
5. I am grateful for nights of pure, sweet sleep.

Love and light.

December 2, 2013 Ascension

This year has gone faster than a bullet train, but the last three months have certainly been the speediest.  In a conversation today, as well as in energy updates, we are seeing a lot of changes occurring, and my life certainly is proof that what everyone is predicting is coming to pass. 

How people handle these changes varies from person to person, though part of it may just be where they are in their lives.  Those who have the combined stress of work and parenthood seem to be having a tougher time with it, although, from the outside looking in, there may well be other factors that I just don't see.  Part of the Ascension process involves dealing with the things you still carry but no longer need.  Letting go can be an extremely traumatic experience.

Part of it might just be, for me, that I've been letting go of things for awhile now, and it no longer causes me the pain it has in the past.  Certainly, letting go of some things is harder than others, but the things I'm letting go of this month are bringing me nothing but joy.  The new disciplines I'm learning are also bringing me a great deal of joy because they are helping me to realize my wildest dreams is beautiful, living technicolor!

I do know that if I had begun this process 10 years ago when I still had two teenagers in the house, things could well have been quite different.  But it is clear to me that joining the ART Apprentice program came at exactly the right time for me, just as Loki's passing came at just the right time for both her and me.  Just as the 50,000 word challenge came at just the right time for me.  And just as quitting my job is coming at the right time, and is exactly what I need right now! 

Regardless of whether timing seems right or wrong, the changes are going to occur.  Like anything else in life, the way we handle the changes and challenges has a lot to do with the lessons we've spent this lifetime learning, and those we are having the most trouble with.

For me, I find that certain people challenge me (read, try my patience), so I know that they are being put into my life for a reason.  I still have a lot to learn in the way of patience.  But they also challenge me to love, forgive, accept and refrain from judging.  As long as I am still guilty of the sins, I will continue to be presented with lessons to prove that I have learned the lessons.

So in this month of December when Adjustment is called for, I will be realigning my life, expanding my horizons, finishing my novel (the first in the series), doing some side work, the amount is yet to be determined, and continuing to do things to improve me.  I know that the single most important thing I need to do is to maintain my positivity, and the way to do that is to practice an attitude of gratitude.  If it becomes necessary to walk away from one or two people in my life, I'll know that to do so is best for both of us.  We will have satisfied the purpose we had in each others' lives and will, hopefully, be grateful for the experience, however brief it might have been.

So in keeping with my plan, tonight's gratitudes are:
1. I am grateful for the people who come into my life for a reason to help me learn a particular lesson.  Without them, I wouldn't grow.
2. I am grateful for different perspectives.  They make me more compassionate with those who are finding adapting to be more difficult than I am.
3. I am grateful for opportunities to just let go.
4. I am grateful for the way my cats keep an eye on me when I'm home, seldom allowing me to be alone in a room for long.
5. I am grateful for the love and encouragement of my friends, and their willingness to celebrate with me, whether the reason is large or small.

Love and light.

December 1, 2013 Move over, Dora the Explorer! Sheri the Writer is movin' in!

It occurs to me, as I hear about so many people my age and younger who either have health issues or have chosen to return to the Sea of Souls that one of two things (or maybe a little of both) is evident in my life.  I am very blessed with good health and a minimum of physical limitations, and/or there are things I'm here to do that I have not yet done, so I need to be healthy and happy in order to fulfill my purpose(s) for this lifetime.

Frankly, I don't think these things are mutually exclusive, especially since my health begins in my energy body, and my energy body knows whether I still have things to accomplish.    Either way, I'm grateful for how things are working out, and look forward to whatever the future might bring.

Tomorrow begins my last week as a full-time employee, but also marks the week after the 30 day challenge.  Much was neglected while I fulfilled the challenge and dealt with Loki's passing, so it will also be a week of catching up on homework, bills, and a variety of other things which can no longer be pushed aside. 

But it wasn't as if I was idle this weekend either.  Thanksgiving was its usual cooking frenzy, made more interesting by the fact that the breakers in my electrical panel chose mid day to commit Hari Kiri.  Friday was spent running back and forth to Home Depot, helping my adopted son fix the thing, then cleaning up the kitchen, once power was restored. 

With my newly cleaned kitchen came soup making which took care of itself once all was in the pot while I finished the last 8000 words of the challenge.  12 hours later, I had one of the most beautiful broths imaginable, and it was allowed to cool so that fat could be skimmed.

My reward, of course, was a delightful night of dancing with friends, and a later night than usual, as I was still wired from my success with the challenge.

Today found me up early, chopping veggies to add to the soup, followed by a trip to the base with the kids to do Christmas shopping.

Finally met my new neighbors, just as I finished cleaning the turkey to go back into the pot.  They're a lovely young couple who are following their own passions in their new home, and we talked for quite awhile (my ADD didn't help as we jumped from topic to topic, returning often to the subject of cooking as she is still learning.  I offered my assistance should she need it.  I still find it a surprise to find people who don't cook, since my girls learned from a young age, but everyone is different, and not everyone had a mom who went from burning water to self taught gourmet cook like I did.  My girls had a lot of examples and as a result, love to cook, and are good seat of their pants cooks as well.

But now, here I sit, kitchen cleaned for what seems like the 90th time this weekend, soup put away and gearing up for that last week of work.  Soon, it will be time to put my home office to rights and proceed with the new life I've set for myself.

I can't wait for the adventure to begin!

Oh, wait!  It already has!!! 

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the adventures of my past and those yet to come.
2. I am grateful that I have a refrigerator full of homemade turkey soup.
3. I am grateful for the bed full of kitties who await my warm body on this balmy winter night.
4. I am grateful for friends who allow me to be an ear for them and share in life's challenges.
5. I am grateful for raising the rent in my head so toxic personalities will be inclined to take their business elsewhere.  My higher vibration is not their happy place! :)

Love and light.

November 29, 2013 Life is so good, I could be twins!

This weekend, so far, has been incredible!  From a Thanksgiving which could have been a disaster but wasn't to a cleaned up kitchen, to turkey soup cooking on the stove, to finding the perfect gifts for Christmas, to...wait for it...wait for it...passing 50,000 words in my NaNoWriMo challenge....Life is the best it's ever been for me!!!  I am so grateful for the people who encouraged me, the sleep I lost, the words that just flowed (especially tonight when I wrote over 8000 words in about 5 hours) to the opportunities that are falling in my lap... I am so stoked!

I am also extremely wired, and it's now 3:00 AM and sleep continues to elude me.  I cannot even imagine what I'll be like when my first book is published!  I may have to ration the coffee at that point!  But it is all good!!!  I may have to push up the date I'm expecting to be published, because I've clearly shown the discipline for writing vast quantities of, well, stuff!  Some nights, the words flow like water, while others, they're like a drain stuffed with glue.  But in the end, I was able to write the 50,000 words plus a few extra in 30 days, while still working full time, and trying to keep up with my class.  Not to mention, Thanksgiving, a night with limited power (I ran an extension cord from my bathroom to my office last night to enable me to write!), to the resulting mess in the kitchen because I couldn't run the dishwasher or count on a steady stream of hot water. 

I am living proof that following your passion is a fast moving train.  While pontificating tonight, it occurred to me that the hardest part of following your passion is convincing yourself to take that very first step.  Once you take it, though, you'd better hold on tight and be ready for things to moved faster than you've ever seen before!  I wrote 8,000 freakin' words in about 5 hours tonight!  How cool is that????  Sure, they came slowly at first, but when I just let it start to flow without trying to make sense of it, the floodgates opened and I couldn't have stopped them if I'd tried. 

I originally had planned to write until I had maybe 2000 words left to finish tomorrow, but I lost control at some point and had to keep writing.  I was finally able, at the 50,233 point, to tell myself that if I didn't stop, I would be writing until my head hit the keyboard!  And poor little Munchkin cannot understand why her warm bodied mother is not in bed where she belongs, creating a warm, comfy place for her kitties to rest their weary heads!

OK, OK, so she finally gave up and took over the second chair in my office, but she isn't completely happy about it!  Will she adapt to my new career path?  It will certainly involve a lot more late night writing sessions because I will no longer be at the mercy of my alarm clock.  I write better at night.  I don't know why, but I do.  The words flow better after 9:00 PM.  But who am I to question the muses? 

I will, however, try to get some sleep because I need to get the rest of the ingredients for my turkey soup tomorrow, and of course, the straining and cooling and reassembling process will begin as well.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1.I am grateful that I completed the 50,000 word challenge, even if the book is far from complete.
2. I am grateful to have power throughout the house again.
3. I am grateful that my kitchen is, once again, put to rights.
4. I am grateful to have a huge pot of turkey soup cooking on my stove, a testament to another joyful Thanksgiving.
5. I am grateful that I have one more week of full time employment for someone else before I embark on my new journey.

Love and light.

November 27, 2013 Catching up

Well, I'm still running a little behind, but got another 3000 words added today.  I'm finding that I'm running out of momentum as I near the end of this project.  With all of the Thanksgiving preparations, I missed two entire days of writing!  But I only have about 7700 words left to write, and should be able to get er done over the next couple of days.  Not as early as I'd hoped to finish, but as long as it is before midnight on November 30th, I'm good. 

This exercise has taught me a couple of things.
     1. I am capable of setting and sticking to goals.
     2. There are times when I will need to cut myself some slack, knowing that I'll have to push harder to make up for it later.
     3. 50,000 words may not be enough for me to get to the end of this story.
     4. I will, at times, doubt myself, but I have to quickly remind myself that whatever I set my mind to do, I can do it!
     5. Above all, keep the positive energy going!

So now, I'm allowing myself to be a little behind, knowing that I can and will write twice as much as I need to per day.  7700 words in 3 days is really nothing for me, but I know now that I will not be winding my story up in those 7700 words, but will need a few more to bring everything to conclusion.  I can now understand why some people have over 70,000 words!  Sometimes, your story just takes longer to tell (and sometimes, a lot of those words will end up on the cutting room floor!)  Either way, getting that many words down which actually follow some kind of story is quite an interesting endeavor!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my kitties and their purrs.
2. I am grateful that I have my usual cooking for Thanksgiving done ahead of time.
3. I am grateful for the people who will share the holiday with us.
4. I am grateful for the impending completion of the 50,000 word challenge.
5. I am grateful for the completion of the first draft of this book, and look forward to the process of editing it down into something worth publishing.

Love and light.

November 26, 2013 Just a quick one

Sorry for the lack of posts, but between preparing to exit the world of full time employment and preparations for Thanksgiving, I'm just not in a creative place, word wise.  I promise I'll be back up to speed in a couple of days, once I've finished digesting my turkey and fixin's!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for family traditions which endure no matter what.
2. I am grateful for all of the positive energy I am enjoying.
3. I am grateful for the energy bursts I feel every time I seal my field.
4. I am grateful for all of the love that is flowing throughout the world lately.
5. I am grateful that I can help those who are less fortunate than I, and that I will continue to be able to support causes like cat rescue and food for the needy.

Love and light.

November 21, 2013 Last night I had the strangest dream..

You would think, with my indulging in a fantasy world every night, that my dreams would be less, well, bizarre.  But last night was living proof that my imagination can run rampant in multiple directions.  Rather a Sybil kind of mind! 

I dreamt that I had driven up to Solvang by myself and was walking around the shops when I came upon a store which sold cat trees.  They had an amazing tree which soared high in the air and was capped with what can only be described as a ship's crow's nest!  As I laid eyes on this amazing example of treeishness, I thought how Munchkin would love that wonderful, high perch!  So saying, I purchased the cat tree at a very reasonable price, while telling the shop keeper that my daughter was going to have a few words for me as she already felt that I owned too many cat trees.  But this one was special!

A man who was in the store offered to carry the tree to my car for me.  Somehow, although I thought I'd parked quite a ways from the store, when we went out the back door, my car was in a lot right there!  Attempts to put the tree in my trunk met with failure because it was too tall, so we put it inside the car.  The man tried to slam the car door, but part of the tree was still sticking out and I made him stop, pointing out that we could partially disassemble the tree to allow it to fit perfectly in my car.

When I brought it home and started to set it up, there were suddenly a whole bunch of plastic bottles and such which were arranged on a shelf, but which could easily be knocked over by the cats.  Even so, I carefully arranged the bottles and got the tree all set up for my little darlings.  Lacking any more wall space, the tree was set up, not so much in the middle of the room as in what would normally be walking space. 

That task being done, I found myself with my daughter, getting dressed up for some unspecified occasion.  I was putting on what was supposed to be a spanks-like under garment, but it was in white with pink trim and seemed rather bulky until I got it on.  But the weirdest part about it was that it had what looked like a handle on each side of my body, and I slipped my arms through the handles so that they fit like straps over my shoulders.   I can only suppose that the purpose was to keep the thing from sliding down my body when I moved, but it was quite odd!

So that is where my imagination jumped the tracks last night.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the continued flow of words from my fingers.
2. I am grateful for what will be the largest Thanksgiving gathering we've had in years!
3. I am grateful that I get to spend the holidays, once again, with my daughter and son-in-law as well as my adopted son and grandson.  They are a welcome addition to the family, whether or not my other daughter and granddaughter can join us as well.
4. I am grateful for the love and caring that everyone is expressing lately.  It renews my hope for improved conditions throughout the world.
5. I am grateful for the opportunity to do for others, in any way I can, large or small, and for the example my daughter sets with her own generosity.

Love and light.

November 20, 2013 Musings

The household routines are finding a new normal as changes continue occurring.  I'm still writing 2-3000 words a night, and am on track to finish the 50,000 word challenge.  I rarely have less than two cats in a room with me at any given moment, and the boys take turns checking on me during the night.  I'm counting down the final days until I'm a full time writer and may have to do more pavement pounding for accounting work than I'd initially intended, but it's all good.

Still and all, I'm feeling a bit frustrated and had to have a firm talk with myself this morning about some of the negative energy I needed to offload immediately.  As a result, I had a smooth, if slow drive home tonight through slight drizzle which waited until I was snug inside with a kitty or two curled up in my lap before coming down with any intensity.  It was wonderful to sit in the living room, surrounded by the cats, listening to the rain beating on the roof. 

My appetite is waning again, and I made do with a bowl of lentil soup for dinner.  I'm ok with it as I never feel stuffed these days. 

I'm sticking to my routine to write from about 9 until about 11 every night, and have yet to actually sit in front of the computer with nothing coming out (knocking on wood and whatever else I need to do to keep the muses happy!).  Lately, I'm writing at least two chapters, and sometimes three during my nightly sittings.  Though I plan to do more writing this weekend, I also need to fit in grocery shopping and cleaning for the big day!  The rain on the roof makes me crave the after Thanksgiving turkey soup even more and the mere mention of it had my daughter making noises which assured me that she'd take some of it off my hands! (I don't know how to make a small pot of soup!) 

At work, I've dived into the process of training someone to do the things I've been doing, accounting-wise, and am hearing little murmurs about who they'll be giving the rest of my work to.  At this point, despite the initial conversation, I'm not counting on a lot of contract work from that direction, so anything I get will be a bonus.  Instead, I continue to hold the belief that everything is going to work out perfectly and let the hows come to me in their own time. 

To say I wasn't nervous would be a lie, but to fail to also admit that I'm incredibly excited would be tragic!  Today I was asked why I had to leave by the woman I was training.  I told her, in all honesty, that it was something I have to do for me, and if I don't do it now, I probably never will.  I know it is an enormous leap of faith, but what person who truly follows their dream doesn't do the same?  As I see it, as long as you are true to yourself and do what you really, truly, desperately want to do, you can't help but be successful.  You just have to make sure you're using the right thing to measure that success!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I have the courage to take a leap of faith...in myself.
2. I am grateful to the cats for continuing to offer me comfort and support.
3. I am grateful for rainy nights.
4. I am grateful for continued success on my novel.
5. I am grateful for passing days which get me closer to my dream.

Love and light.

November 18, 2013 Letting go, moving on, but never forgetting.

Between the cold I've had since Thursday and the loss of my sweet girl, Loki, I lost a couple of days. 

In those two days I lost, I missed one day of my A.R.T. class, got behind on my 50,000 word challenge, had yet to pay bills, and was beginning to hit underwear critical. 

Although I didn't make it completely through the day at work today, with a combination of grief and swollen sinuses combining to kick my butt, I managed to pull everything out by tonight, and feel much better all the way around. 

I know that Loki is now in a better place.  She lived the life she was supposed to, as much as it seemed to suck from where I sat, since she spent a lot of time being sick. 

I spent some time relaxing in front of the TV, watching my favorite, Castle, while snuggling Dylan, Munchkin and Toby and feeding Toby, Dylan and Scooby their new favorite treats.

Realizing that I needed to get my act together and get things done, I got the sandboxes scooped and took out the trash, sorted and started laundry (which was ultimately finished a few minutes ago), set up the coffee pot for tomorrow (some things are not to be neglected!), paid bills, straightened the kitchen and got myself back on track for the 50,000 word challenge. 

Aside from the still stuffy head, I'm feeling pretty good and am better prepared to face the rest of the week. 

Work is getting busy as I respond to requests for information and try to pass on 5 years worth of knowledge in less than 3 weeks, but I have a great person to pass things on to, have written extensive desk instructions and will still be available as a resource after I leave, so I don't really expect any problems. 

I was going to say something about life eventually returning to normal, but frankly, I haven't a clue as to what normal is any more!  Each day presents more changes and challenges to take on.  But for the most part, I'm enjoying this adventure I'm on. 

If nothing else, when I lay my head on my pillow tonight and snuggle with my remaining kitties, I will do so feeling like I've made the most of my day, and am ready to make the most of tomorrow too!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the cats I have left who have been staying close to me tonight, snuggling quietly and letting me know I have their love and support.
2. I am grateful that I am no longer able to just veg my life away, allowing everything to deteriorate around me.
3. I am grateful for my daughter and son-in-law who are always there when I need them, and for my grand puppy and grand kitty who get so excited when they hear Grandma's voice (now, if Gwennie could just learn not to pee all over herself! :))
4. I am grateful for the beginning of the holiday season even though I have broken pattern and have not yet bought a single present!
5. I am grateful for the incredible outpouring of love I have experienced the last couple of days, and even more grateful that the world has so many people who love and appreciate animals.  There is hope!

Love and light.

November 17, 2013 In loving memory of my sweet cat, Loki.

Today, I had to make one of the toughest decisions any animal lover had to make.  Or rather, I had to make the drive to the vet's office, knowing in my heart, that for this one, sweet, cat, it would be her last trip.

Loki joined our family in 2009, not long after we had lost another cat, Anastasia.  I was not really planning to get another cat, but as I looked at the cats in cages at Petsmart in Newbury Park, this little, fluffy, black ball of fur demanded my attention and began to tell me her life story as loudly and insistently as she could.  As I'm a sucker for a meow story, she had me at "meow!"

Loki was three years old when she joined our family, having been rescued from a hoarder by the rescue group from which we got her.  She had learned that if you wanted food, attention or anything else, the prize went to the loudest and pushiest, and she learned her lesson well.

Soon after she joined our household, she learned everyone's bad habits and made them her very own, hence the name, Loki, who was the Norse god of mischief.

She could be counted on to be the first at the food dish, the first to stand on top of me when I opened my eyes in the morning, the first to greet me at the door, and the first to use the sandbox after I'd emptied, cleaned and refilled it.

She was forever in my face when I was trying to eat, work, sleep, or anything else, and would poke her head around the shower curtain while I showered.

Not long after we got her, she went into renal failure, and it was touch and go for awhile.  She finally got back to normal, and the vet I'd been using at the time did not see fit to tell me that this wasn't a one-time thing due to a massive infection.  It was going to be a way of life for Loki, who'd started her life in less than optimal conditions.

For the last 4 years, we've seen her through many bladder and kidney infections, put her on and taken her off of medications, been through three vets plus a specialist and, at the last, were giving her subcutaneous fluids daily, phosphate blockers and potassium twice a day, pepcid once a day and an appetite stimulant every 3 days.  We even gave her shots of Darbepuetin in the last month or so to help stimulate red blood cells since the kidneys were no longer telling the bone marrow to do their job.

But in the end, it was giving her some more time to embed herself in our hearts, but merely prolonged the inevitable.

Yesterday, I had a sudden premonition that I was going to come home and find she'd passed, so I was immensely relieved to find her still doing as ok as she's been doing lately when I got home.  Yes, she'd peed on the floor and seemed to be getting weaker.  She had been a little wobbly for a couple of days.  Yes, she was starting to give me fits about eating, though she was still drinking water and taking a few treats.

But she still wanted to snuggle on the bed with me, though she no longer came out to the living room for snuggles.  She was still chattering at me, though more and more, it was a weaker chatter.

But today, I put her in the bathroom as I normally do with her bowl of food, so her brothers and sisters won't steal it.  I also added a bowl of water in case she decided to stay there for awhile.  It wasn't long before I heard her meowing to come out, but I had to try to get her to stay in there and eat something.

Suddenly, the meowing stopped, and I went in to check on her.  I found her lying against the door and not moving when I pushed the door open, except as the door moved her.  She'd urinated where she lay and was fairly limp...and my heart dropped to the floor.  Changing directions quickly, I called the vet and got an appointment, put her in a carrier and got myself together.

Arriving at the vet about 20 minutes early, I petted her inside her carrier until we were called.  After she was weighed, I held her in my arms, sitting in the chair in the examining room, waiting another 20 minutes or so for the vet (which, this time, was just fine with me!).  Holding her with her head next to my heart, knowing she was done, I still tried to hope.  She snuggled into me, almost as if she was the one comforting me, and totally out of character.  She was not one who liked to be held down!

At last, the vet came in and we spoke for a little bit.  She started to examine Loki and we continued discussing whether it was time to let her go.  Finally, Loki just took matters into her own paws and started having a seizure.  According to the vet, this is an indication that the kidneys are shutting down and there is really nothing left to do.

Even knowing ahead of time that she was not going to make it through the weekend did not make it any easier to say goodbye, and the other cats and I have spent the day, grieving in our own particular ways.  Some came and snuggled with me, others needed to just be alone or with the one they were closest to.

Loki's time was short and her time as part of my family, even shorter, but I know she chose me because she knew I'd do the best I could for her.  She will always have a place in my heart and is one of the many cats I've had the pleasure of being staff to, who has left an indelible paw print.  Losing her is harder than some, easier than others, but no less painful than any.

I know that somewhere down the line, Loki and I will meet again, and I only hope that I truly did the very best I could have done for her, because sometimes, I have my doubts.  Leaving her in the bathroom when she crashed like that will forever haunt me.  I don't remember her cry sounding any more upset or distressed than usual when I'd leave her in there to have time to eat, but maybe it was and I wasn't paying close enough attention.  Dylan and Toby were haunting the doorway, and just before I went in to check on her, Dylan had been poking at her under the door.  They knew before I did that the time had come.

I'm not alone in how strongly, deeply I get attached to my furry children.  I will always question whether I did enough for them, paid them enough attention, fed them the best foods and all.  But I will never doubt that every single one of them received my love.

The ladies in my A.R.T. class made a beautiful candle for Loki and sent me a picture today.  I don't have words, but here is a picture of their beautiful gift.  I had to miss today's class because I knew that my energy would not be good for everyone else, and I needed to be here for my grief, but also for that of my remaining furry children.  I love them for understanding and for caring.

So many of my friends are animal people (I guess that's really no surprise!) and the outpouring of love and support I've received today is incredibly heart warming.  I have no words to express my appreciation.

Without them, this would me a much harder path for me to walk.

In the process of coping with Loki's loss, I've lost the momentum I had to finish the 50,000 word challenge, but I won't minimize her value by failing to fulfill my promise to myself.  She wouldn't want me to just stop living after all she did to keep living.

But I also realize that the Universe continues to work in it's own, strange ways.  Loki's care took a lot of time and increasingly more money.  I spent a lot of time worrying about her, trying to coax her to eat, pushing meds down her throat and running her back and forth to the vet.  I believe the Universe put two things together this time.  Loki was allowed to stop having to work so hard to live and even then, with probably more pain than I ever knew, and I am now given the time to not only pay more attention to my other cats, but to fulfill the obligations I've made to myself.  Even those things which cause us pain happen for a reason.

Farewell, sweet Loki...until we meet again.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for all of the love and support I'm receiving.
2. I am grateful for the time Loki gave me, letting me know that she was ready to go.
3. I am grateful for the other cats with whom I am sharing my grief.
4. I am grateful for time alone to pull myself back together.
5. I am grateful to have had Loki in my life, no matter how briefly.

Love and light.

November 15, 2013 Listen to the body!

Last night, I started feeling crummy, and by the time I got home earlier than usual from a dance night, my voice was gone and I was clammy. 

Trying to figure out why my perfectly healthy body seemed to be having a meltdown, I settled on a couple of things.  First, I am probably not doing a complete disconnect when I do a healing (Heather had a migraine yesterday and I did a distance healing for her).  Second, I am stressing over getting everything done:  homework, daily writing, everything else I need to do before I leave my job, home stuff...and my body finally said "Enough!"   and did a minor shut down. 

After a fitful night's sleep in which I must have moved from bed to couch and back at least 3 times, I got up a little before 8, made a cup of tea with the manatee tea ball I'd gotten for my birthday and sat down to do some writing.  2700 words later, I'm still on track to meet my November 30, 50,000 word goal.  I also finished my homework, and, after checking in at work, put in a couple of hours there as well to respond to some pressing issues. 

I still got a nap in, ate the entire container of oatmeal cookies Heather brought me, watched a Christmas movie while snuggling the cats, and got Loki her meds both times today. 

But really the best part of the day was discovering that, even when I'm feeling under the weather, I still have the discipline to sit down and write at least a couple of thousand words.  Had it not been for the need to spend time finishing my homework, and the issues I needed to respond to for work, I'd have very likely written over 4000 words today (and the night is still young!)  I am definitely ready to have whole days when the only responsibility I have is to add words to my latest project!  Every opportunity I get to prove this to myself gives me that much more confidence in the decision I've made!

I love the fact that I do keep getting signs and reminders that I am truly on the right track and that whatever I do now is going to take me exactly where I want and need to go!  Even on a day like this when, by all rights, I should have been plopped in front of the tv, or wrapped up in a book with a cup of tea and my cats, I just couldn't sit still, doing nothing like that.  I had to be creating or accomplishing most of the day! 

I had something interesting happen over the last few days, though, and it gave me pause, including a bit of negative thinking before I gave myself permission to let it go and move one.

A few years ago, I was friends with another single mom from the band boosters.  She'd had a couple of issues and asked for my help which I gladly gave.  We stayed in touch until she met a man and started dating.  Suddenly, she seemed to forget my existence.  At the time I was pretty hurt by it all, and though she's on my Facebook list, she rarely even acknowledges my existence, even when I ask a direct question.  I had pretty much written this woman off when, out of the blue, I receive an email saying "I've finally published a book after six years, etc. etc. etc." with a link on where I could buy it! 

I guess I found it odd that she could ignore me until she felt I could be useful to her again.  After my initial bout of irritation, I took a step back, sent her good thoughts for the success of her book and focused my attention back onto what is important to me.

Will I send her a similar email when my first book is published?  Probably not.  But maybe she'll see me promoting it amongst all of the people who have been encouraging me on Facebook and check it out herself.  While I will appreciate it if she does, just as I will appreciate the attention it gets from every single person who might check it out, I won't give it any thought if she chooses to pass on it as I'm passing on her invitation to check hers out.  (to be honest, I'm reading nothing except work stuff and homework stuff right now until I finish the NaNoWriMo challenge!  I just don't have time for the distractions!)

Once again, I'm reminded to be mindful of the saying:  "People won't remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel."  And I'm working on weaving more random acts of kindness into my daily activities. 

Speaking kindly and respectfully to a sales clerk, holding a door open for someone, or any little thing we might do really does go a long way.  We truly do not know what is going on in that young woman who served us our coffee, or the checker at the grocery store's lives, but whether their life is rough or smooth, or somewhere in between, the smile on their face when you take a moment to truly show an interest in them as a person is priceless!  Though many people treat them like they're simply another store fixture, does that mean we all must? 

I used to marvel at how some of my friends seemed to really know the people who worked where they shopped.  Now, I realize that it was because, wherever they went, they treated everyone like they were important (and they are!).  I'm so glad that I finally understand what many tried to show me by example.  It's made the simple act of running my weekly errands a lot more joyful!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I have so many opportunities to be kind.
2. I am grateful that I have had so many wonderful examples which, once I opened my eyes, have always been there to teach me, if only I'm willing to learn.
3. I am grateful that I am still on track to meet the 50,000 word deadline at the halfway point.
4. I am grateful for all of the people who encourage me, even if some might think I'm completely crazy.
5. I am grateful for my daughter who, whatever the challenge, always rises to meet it.  She is a shining example of believing in yourself and doing what makes you happy.

Love and light.

November 14, 2013 What not to do before going to sleep at night

Last night, after adding another 1400 or so words to my novel, I picked up my A.R.T. homework.  After answering the last of the questions which simply required an understanding of the reading, I turned to those which required some action on my part. 

The first one required me to get totally relaxed, then pass a miniature me through my body, looking at organs, digestive system, muscles, etc.  Despite the fact that I sat on the sofa (with the recliner of course so my feet were elevated) instead of laying on the bed as suggested, between all of the snuggling kitties (one rarely sits on a sofa or bed without them in my house!) who are sure to arrive for any energy work session anyway, and just the feeling of utter relaxation, it wasn't long before I was asleep, having gotten no further than relaxing all of the muscles, traveling up and down my arms and legs and starting down my throat to address the clump of mucus which was causing my voice to go into that pre-cold sexy range. 

The next thing I know, I'm waking up with Toby snuggled beside me, Scooby behind my head and Munchkin on my lap.  Loki was still in the bathroom where I'd left her with a bowl of wet food after getting her meds, or she would have joined the party too. 

After cleaning up the few things in the kitchen and turning off lights, I decided to make it an early night (it was only 11:00!) since I was already so relaxed.  Let me tell you, this was a very bad idea!!!

For reasons beyond my comprehension, my subconscious decided to unleash a series of increasingly disturbing dreams upon my relaxed and defenseless self. 

The earliest ones are bare glimmers of memory now, but involved murder, mayhem and several kill or be killed scenarios.  But the one shortly before I woke to begin my day was quite bizarre.

I walked into some kind of inn or rooming house, and as I was entering a man was slipping out the door.  He was vaguely familiar in a disturbing sort of way, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why. 

In the dream, I was probably early 20's and just starting out on my own, surrounded by other young women like me.  Although this seemed to take place at an earlier time in history, in a rather old-fashioned town which could have been in Europe or perhaps the East Coast of the United States, though it wasn't any place I recognized. 

Throughout the dream, I found myself in rather odd situations.  One involved the women's restroom in the inn which offered no privacy for anyone using the facilities.  While I was using the restroom, a diminutive man with rather sneaky eyes came in and started sweeping non-existent dirt into a dust bin with a long handle.  I felt like I should report him to the management but noticed that the other women thought nothing of his being there, so I kept it to myself, despite being very creeped out.

Later, I found out why the man I saw while entering the inn looked familiar.  He was the valet for a man I had apparently met before coming to this city.  The man had a very high opinion of himself and could not understand why his attentions were not appreciated by me or any of the other women he approached. 

The scene changed and it seemed I'd been abducted by the creepy man and brought to his employer in an apartment in another part of the city.  Going through a pile of books, he asked me what I wanted to read.  Not understanding what it was he wanted, I picked a book, then opened my purse to surreptitiously check the time on my cell phone.  Although it was an older style flip model, it didn't really fit the time period and even my dream self found it strange.

Shortly thereafter, two other women appeared in this apartment, and it wasn't long before we made our escape.  Unfortunately, we found ourselves in an unfamiliar part of the city and were kind of running around in circles trying to figure out how to get back to the inn before he discovered we were gone.  The three of us had different ideas of which direction to go and how to find our way back.  Although we asked a man who seemed to be some kind of constable, his instructions didn't make sense to us.  When I woke up, we were standing in front of an ancient stone building, arguing over which direction we should take.

And I've yet to complete the microscopic tour of myself!

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful that I woke from that craziness feeling well-rested and ready to start my day.
2. I am grateful for dreams which make me go "hmmm" because, eventually, I'll get the message they were trying to impart.
3. I am grateful for my A.R.T. training which allows me to send some healing when friends or family are hurting.
4. I am grateful to be closing in on the end of the first of 4 weeks left of full-time work in someone else's office.
5. I am grateful for time to write, contemplate and plan.

Love and light.

November 12, 2013 Taking it one step at a time.

I woke up this morning, feeling like I had increased my body awareness.  I'm not sure if it is because of the cranial-sacral session I had last night, but I found myself kind of checking in with what's going on with my physical self.

First, I noticed that the spot of tension which seems to live on the right side of my middle back seems to be radiating both up and down.  My right shoulder, especially, is feeling quite tight, but I can also feel the tension in the hip area on my back.

I'm thinking that I have some sort of realignment going on which may take some time to settle in.

I also woke up feeling extremely hungry, but after going through my usual morning routine, the feeling passed.    (That's not to say that I didn't make fairly short work of the breakfast I brought with me to work!)

I also woke with the feeling that I'm already starting to disconnect from my job, but not entirely from my own actions and intentions.  Although I'm now jumping out of bed, ready to get moving and into the office, I'm getting feelings from my co-workers that they're ready to just take over the tasks they will be assuming and that, to them, I'm already somewhat extraneous, at least with regard to tasks they feel comfortable assuming.

This may just be my own process of disconnecting, but the next few weeks (or 17 work days at this point) should prove interesting.  In the meantime, I will do a lot of organizing and clearing out of things which have accumulated over the nearly 6 years I've occupied this position.

After I typed that last sentence, it occurred to me that this, too, is part of the process of decluttering my life.  I'm letting go of a lot of things which are directly related to things in my life with which I've lived and which I've believed in for a very long time.  I'm realizing that some were part of my learning process, others were part of my survival, but are no longer necessary, and still others were simply a means to an end until all of the rest was in order for me to take the next step.

I find myself waking up with thoughts of my book running through my head.  Which part of the story will I take up with when I next start writing?  What direction will it take?  Bits and pieces will start forming, some to be filed away and used later, others discarded.  One such thought, this morning, struck me as too "Star Wars" and was quickly overwritten with an idea which, I believe, at least for now, will work better.  But as the story is coming out in its own way and time, it's entirely possible that this morning's scenario will never make it past the errant thought.

I also find, when I get up in the morning, that I'm anxious to sit down and write, even knowing that, for now, I have to take the time to write when I can get it, as I still have other responsibilities to fulfill, and they seem to keep piling up, the more I take on. 

As the day progressed, the tension in my back came to a head between 4 and 5 o'clock.  At one point, I was so knotted up that I sat back in my chair and just drew energy into my heart center, then sent it out to my neck, shoulders and back.  Now, at about 9:30, there's still some tension, but it's starting to release.  It seems to be centered in my neck and between my spine and my right shoulder blade.  (I'm sure my A.R.T. buddies are going to have a field day with this, but I hope they know that I appreciate their input!)

Had some good laughs with my manicurist/friend and I'm sure that helped to remove some of the tension in my back.  I still think that some of it has to do with last night's session and is connected with the release of some energies.   As a result, I'm doing some of the energy exercises; bounces, heart centered charging of my own energies and such, to try to clear things.   I may try a "toilet flush" later tonight as well. 

With all of the kitties hovering around me, I am pretty sure there are some major energy releases going on.  The main thing is understanding that this is all part of the process I am going through to clear my own garbage and make me a good conduit for facilitating healing in others.  Until I have decluttered myself, I am not going to be very effective for others.

Overall, I'm finding that I feel pretty overwhelmed right now, trying to keep up with my writing assignment, getting things organized for when I leave my job (and that, alone, is certainly causing me stress, despite my best efforts to let the excitement over this change override the scariness of it).  My homework is still only partially done for this weekend, though the reading is mostly finished.  Although I'm on track with the writing, it's not coming as easily this week, and I really want to get to the halfway point in the next day or two so that I'm ahead of the game before this weekend. 

And so I keep reminding myself:  One foot in front of the other.  That's all you can do.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful to have been introduced to A.R.T. at just the right time.
2. I am grateful for the courage to take leaps of faith...and to have faith in myself that I will succeed in the grandest manner possible.
3. I am grateful that I am close to the halfway point on my 50,000 word novel.
4. I am grateful for the continued love and support of my family and friends, even if they think I've lost my mind.
5. I am grateful that I am able to love and support my family and friends, giving back a little when they are all giving me so much!

Love and light

November 11, 2013 Changing times

With all of the time I'm spending trying to get 50,000 words down on computer before the end of the month, I've been sadly neglecting a lot of things:  Blogs, Homework, Gym time...and I'm afraid it will continue until I get as far ahead of myself as I need to in order to feel like I'll actually make it.  I'm currently at about 19,000 words, but I need 20,000 by tomorrow, so I still need to push it, and after a wonderful cranial-sacral therapy session tonight, and not getting home until after 8:00, the only writing I managed was during my lunch hour. 

Needless to say, I'll be burning the midnight oil tomorrow night! 

Meanwhile, I am already starting to feel the difference in the way my co-workers are treating me, at least a little.  There's definitely some distancing going on, which is to be expected, but nevertheless, it feels weird.  We all have our priorities, and mine is to try to make sure I pass on all of the information I can before I'm limited by the number of hours management decides they'll allot to my consulting skills.  I thought I would find out today, but everyone received some communication except me, other than second hand.  But it was the chance I took when giving extended notice, and I'm sure that everything will work out just fine in the long run.  In truth, I have not been clear on the rationale for decisions for a long time, now, so I certainly don't need to be now!  I just need to leave things as clean as possible for everyone.

The cranial-sacral session really was amazing.  Some old stuff came into my brain after her question about being in a car accident.  I had, apparently been holding onto some things which had happened after the accident, and concerned a former friend.  During the session, I ran through the whole thing, then just sent forgiveness to the friend and some to me.  She also found scar tissue from when the girls were born and did some clearing.  Interesting that it's also in that same Sacral chakra area.  It seems that not all of the blockage was from things I'd consider issues.  She also said that they had hit me with the epidural more quickly than they should have due to circumstances:  my blood pressure being elevated and the potential distress of the girls and the overcrowdedness of the maternity department due to the full moon, not the least of them.  I recalled feeling like I couldn't swallow and starting to panic as the anasthetic came up too high on my body, probably because I'm ultra sensitive to drugs in general.

She also addressed that, saying that studies are starting to bring out evidence that "sensitives", especially when they're also intelligent women, tend to react badly to drugs rather frequently.  Clearly, our energy bodies know the stuff is, essentially another form of poison.  Guess I'll just have to stay healthy! 

Her dog, Kaylie, joined us for the session.  She's a beautiful German Shepard with a very sweet disposition.  Apparently, she's used to play time as sessions don't usually run so late.  It was fun to listen to her snuffling and stretching in the corner throughout the session and I made sure to apologize to her for delaying her play time!

All in all, I found the whole process very interesting, and am thinking about going back for another session.  She does a follow-up call a couple of days after the session, so I'm guessing I'm going to keep noticing changes over the next couple of days.  Stay tuned!

I could, of course, sit here typing about anything and everything all night, but it's already after midnight and I have a busy week ahead of me, so I'll just give you my gratitudes and sign off.

1. I am grateful for the continuing progress on my novel.
2. I am grateful for the opportunity to experience new healing techniques.
3. I am grateful for my ability to get things caught up in the next couple of days so I don't feel quite so slammed.
4. I am grateful for the successful completion of the first draft of my novel.
5. I am grateful for the publication of my first novel.

Love and light.

November 9, 2013 Moving on

Yesterday, I officially gave notice of my intention to leave my place of employment four weeks hence.  I then made a point of speaking to most of my co-workers to let them know (I'd already spoken to a couple of them ahead of time) so we could make sure everything was in order for the time when I would no longer be there to support them as I have for the last 5 1/2 years. 

I was extremely humbled by the looks of shock and words of dismay from each one, as, like most of us, I probably don't see myself as being as important to the process as others might. 

But I was further gratified when my boss asked if I would be willing to perform some of my current functions on a contract basis, and that his intention was to reallocated work loads rather than find someone to fill my position.  Now, I know part of it is that he's downsizing due to decreases in the business, but I have to believe that another part is that I've learned so much and taken on a great many tasks which would require a lot of time (far more than the four weeks' notice I gave him) to train someone to anywhere close to my current level of expertise in many areas, accounting being just one of them.

I don't know right now how many hours a month I will see from them, but it simplifies things for me because it means I can spend a little less time looking for accounting clients and thus, more time writing!  I see that as a win-win for all concerned.  I know that, if and when the large proposal they've been awaiting for two years now, finally materializes, they will require a good deal more of my time than what I'll want to be doing on a regular basis, but in the long run, that will be even better for me as a large chunk of time for a short duration will, again, leave me a lot more time to write afterwards. 

As I don't anticipate seeing the proposal until March or April at this point, it gives me time to finish at least one book if not two and get a good start on the process of getting them published.  As I am currently not sure how long that process takes, I can't say whether something will be in print before I enter the black hole of the proposal zone, but there is certainly a possibility that the publishing could happen before I have less time to write for that short moment in time.

Although I had convinced myself that everything would work out better than I anticipated, the Universe is blessing me with far more than I believed I had a right to expect.  Certainly, I believe that I will be able to leave my reserves intact, and certainly, I see all of my bills paid off by mid-2014, but seeing the things being put in place to actually make that happen is nothing short of amazing!

I find myself feeling so much gratitude for my boss, who gave me so many opportunities to learn and grow, to my co-workers, who, despite some rough patches over the years, really make me feel appreciated and valued, and to some of them who have become friends as well.  All have contributed to making my life fuller and for teaching me valuable lessons.  Of all of the places I've worked over the years, this is the only one where I've experienced, not only professional, but personal growth.  This is the only one where the contacts I've made, both outside and inside the company, will stay with me as I turn away to follow the path which has been waiting for me for a very long time!

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the people who taught me so many lessons, sometimes in spite of myself.
2. I am grateful that things are working out far better than I could ever have imagined.
3. I am grateful for those who continue to kick me in the pants.
4. I am grateful for the new people who are being placed in my path.
5. I am grateful for a weekend to get things done and write, write, write!

Love and light

November 7, 2013 Is there a Twilight Zone where writers dwell?

My life is becoming very surreal.  I work, I eat, I sleep and I write.  Every day.  And longer every day.  I started out with about an hour and a half a day.  I'm now up to at least 2 hours a day.  I exceed my minimum word count.  Every day.  I keep pushing myself to write more words.  I've left behind the time when 600 hundred words was a good evening of writing.  Even 1500 seems rather paltry by today's standards.  Only the need for sleep made me wind things up at 2000 words tonight, and that was before posting in my two blogs.  So really, when all is said and done, I'll have penned closer to the 3000 mark. 

It's scary, really.  The more I write, the more I want to write.  I just hope I don't turn into one of those cranky writers who gets ugly when someone or something takes her away from her craft.  Even Dylan is learning that messing with Mom's mouse is decidedly uncool!

It's as if I want to finish the first 50,000 words and get started on the next 50,000.  I'm beginning to understand how authors like Nora Roberts and Mercedes Lackey can be so prolific.  Writing is like a drug.  You get some and you want more.  Pretty soon, more isn't enough and you need to double or even triple the dose. 

Yes, I can see me turning into that bleary-eyed person who has consumed too much caffeine along with gallons of water in hopes of quieting the growling in her stomach for just another hour while she gets some more words down on...well, screen.

Who knew I had this many words to spill out?  I feel like the picture of the Jack-o-lantern barfing up pumpkin guts, though in my case, it's words. 

And now, I'm counting the days.  4 more weeks.  In 4 more weeks, I will truly be  living my dream, and, like the novel I'm currently writing, I don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there.  I only know that I'm hopping the train and riding it for as long as I can.    Life has been dull and predictable for far too long.  I'm ready for exciting, unpredictable and freaking uncomfortable!!!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for how encouragement and support continue to grow along with my enthusiasm.
2. I am grateful for my friends and family who, never once, suggested that I've lost my mind.
3. I am grateful for a wonderful, creative, delicious writing career.,
4. I am grateful for being able to live the life I've always dreamed about and for the courage to actually make it happen.
5. I am grateful for simple tastes and the resources to indulge them.

Love and light.

November 6, 2013 Rocking my world!

So here it is, the 6th of November.  I've increased my task list to include:
     1. Full time job
     2. Writing a 50,000 word novel in a month.
     3. Keeping up two blogs.
     4. Doing everything I can to keep my family of felines healthy.
     5. Regular gym visits.
     6. Dancing at least twice a week.
     7. Ascension Resonance Therapy Training
     8. Keeping my house from becoming a toxic waste site, including regular removal of kitty hork (which I was fortunate enough to find with my bare foot two mornings out of three this week!)
     9. Monthly healing sessions including my regular massage and one other session.
    10. Participation in at least one writer's group and attending some of their events.

This is only a partial list because it doesn't take into account things like my reunion weekend, a Celebration of Life for a recently departed acquaintance and all of the other miscellany like grocery shopping and meal preparation which one must do to sustain one's body, and of course, spending time with my daughter and son-in-law.

The crazy part of it all is that since adding several items to my list, I am suddenly finding myself leaping out of bed with great enthusiasm to get started on the new day!  No more am I swatting the alarm, thinking "just one more time!" or locking Toby out so I can sleep for a few more minutes before serving His Lordship breakfast!

Not only that, I'm coming home from my day job still full of energy, eating a quick dinner, taking care of a few things, and sitting down to write, like clockwork at 9:00 PM and continuing to do so until about 11:00 every night!  Only after my writing session and my word count update on NaNoWriMo do my blog updates get done!


Granted, when I finally hit the bed between 12:00 and 1:30, contacts safely stowed and teeth freshly brushed, I am falling asleep in what seems like seconds, sans any tossing and turning at all!  I'm getting up, maybe twice a night to answer nature's call, instead of my usual three or four times.  And I'm waking up more rested than I ever have, despite averaging 5 1/2 to 6 hours of sleep a night!

I'm also experiencing a sudden change in eating habits.  I'm eating very little meat, and when I do, it's only chicken or fish.   What's even more frightening is that I've lost my taste for *GASP* chocolate!

The question at the forefront of my mind is: "What is causing this enormous shift?"

I'm certainly not making a conscious effort to change my eating and sleeping habits.  Not that I mind the changes!   

I've also discovered that I really am loving life, no matter what it might toss my way.  I'm feeling the bliss in the very air I breathe, the life around me, the food I eat and everyone whose lives touch mine.   I'm seeing the beauty in everything, without even trying!

Even the wind that was howling outside my door this morning, while, at first, a little irritating, soon showed how beautifully it cleared all of the crud out of the air!

I would have to sum this up by saying "I've traded being stressed out for being blissed out!"

And speaking of being blissed out, I caught up!!!  I was about 1,000 words behind and by starting earlier tonight, and just letting the words flow, I caught up!!!  2700+ words in less than 2 hours!  OK, Universe!  You heard me!  I want the words to pour out of me like this all the time!  You know I can type fast enough to keep up!!!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my nagging, PITA daughter who talks me into some crazy challenges.
2. I am grateful for the flow of words that added so much to my novel tonight.
3. I am grateful for my wonderful, crazy friends who offer both encouragement and distraction when I need it.
4. I am grateful for dance nights which, though they'll cause a tilt in my writing time, are just as important in keeping the creative juices flowing!
5. I am grateful for all of the bliss I'm feeling and the positive changes I'm making without even trying.

Love and light.

November 5, 2013 TV is becoming a thing of my past

What with meetings and telecons and writing and such, I'm finding myself spending less and less time on the sofa in front of the TV.  In fact, I'm down to a single show before I go rattle my muse's cage. 

Admittedly, my blogs are going to continue to suffer until this project is completed, because my writing efforts are going into the novel.  However, there is one thing I can do here that I can't do in my novel, and that is to wander through the land of topics, never sticking to one for very long!  Here, I follow no rules, but simply let my mind (and fingers) wander where they will. 

Tonight, however, I have drained my own battery and where they want to wander has a lot to do with a soft bed, a warm comforter and as many kitties as choose to share the experience. 

On the bright side, I'm getting up on time again, now that the sun, albeit temporarily, is streaming in my window well before it's time for me to get up.  I'll enjoy it as long as I can, before having to depend on the alarm clock to keep me from sleeping the day away!  (that or my joints which have come to protest if I try to remain supine for too many hours!)

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the continued encouragement and support I'm getting from so many directions!
2. I am grateful for a busy week at work.
3. I am grateful for all of the words which are spilling from my fingers in support of my many projects.
4. I am grateful for leaps of faith, no matter where they might take me.
5. I am grateful for being closer to my goal.

Love and light.

November 4, 2013 Trying to meet the challenge

My writing challenge efforts are really a struggle right now.  After getting off to a late start, I'm struggling to meet the daily word count right now, and what I am writing, I fear, will end up on the cutting room floor when all is said and done.  But instead of berating myself for what I'm not accomplishing, I will continue to offer myself encouragement for what I am accomplishing. 

OK, so I didn't hit the 6600 mark I should have at least hit today.  But given that I started a day late and am only about 1000 words short, I'd say I'm still ahead of the game!  Just like when I write in my blog, some days, the words flow easier than others. 

This was a productive day in other ways, though.  I got the rest of the month end reports completed for work today, then got my grocery shopping done, a chili relleno casserole and my egg bake made for meals for the week, the dishwasher unloaded and the trash will be out soon.  All in all, even with "only" 1597 words added to my novel today, I am feeling pretty good about my progress.

As I see it, this may or may not be something I'll want to publish, but the discipline I'm learning, to write something that isn't just a bunch of brain dumping or mind exercises, but an actual, ongoing story, is excellent practice.  I've gotten too comfortable in my world of writing whatever comes into my head, just to write, and now I need to work on actually writing for a purpose, with a means to an end in sight.

Although I don't have a lot to say tonight, maybe because I'm just all worded out, I am extremely grateful on many levels. 

I have wonderful support from my daughter and son-in-law who are already starting to get into the holiday silliness.  I have an amazing future ahead of me, which wouldn't be possible were it not for the past I've lived through and learned through.

I had a wonderful weekend reconnecting with my high school classmates, and getting to know some I didn't know that well as kids.  Not to mention meeting some truly delightful spouses of classmates!  I feel like I've, once again, broadened my social network, adding more people who will truly enhance my world! 

I look in the mirror and no longer see flaws, but instead, I see someone I dearly love!  For her, I'm willing to take on nearly anything, slay a few dragons (figurative ones, anyway), climb a few mountains, conquer my fears and never give up!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I can now look in the mirror see only the beauty within.  I have become, if not blind, at least near sighted about the flaws without.
2. I am grateful for all of my classmates who made this weekend such a wonderful experience.
3. I am grateful for my daughter and son-in-law who continue to make things easier for me when it comes to my special needs kitty.
4. I am grateful for the growing joy as the holiday season approaches, the whispers begin, and the silliness is magnified.  Our holidays may not follow tradition, but we have a great deal of fun!
5. I am grateful for the way things are already beginning to fall into place.

Love and light.

November 3, 2013 Energy drain

Today I went to China Town with the kids, with a brief stop at a shop they wanted to pick a couple of things up from.  Both me and my daughter's friend couldn't wait to get out of the shop as we both felt a rather dark energy in there.  Though they insisted it was only today, I just had a strange feeling in the place, like there was a complete lack of authenticity in the products they were selling, and it made me very uncomfortable.  When we arrived in China Town and headed for our favorite restaurant, everyone was feeling a little overwhelmed so I extended my seal to encompass the whole table.  From that point on, we all felt better, and I was feeling a sense of calm, even as we wandered through the bazaar. 

What was rather unusual, though, was how weary I became from just walking around.  My daughter looked at me and said "you're really tired, aren't you, Mom?" and she was right.  Apparently, my weariness was coming off of me pretty strongly. 

We went into one more store and then headed back to the car to come home.  Suddenly my daughter started complaining of a squiggly line in front of her eyes and I knew, instantly, that it was the beginning of the classic migraines I'm prone to.  As hers are typically the "ready or not, here's the screaming headache" variety, she didn't realize it was what I refer to as my early warning system. 

I told her to turn the air conditioning way down and let it blow on her wrists, so she was able to drive home and didn't get such an intense headache,  I also spent some time working on calming the blood vessels in her head and easing the tension in her neck, especially when I started feeling that tension in my own neck. 

All of this may well account for my exhaustion.  I got home and fell asleep on the couch for about an hour with the cats, and decided I would just grab what I have in the house for my meals tomorrow and hit Trader Joe's tomorrow night.  I proceeded to have a quiet evening, watching tv and cuddling with the cats (always a rejuvenating experience!)

I did get another 1200 words or so written on my 50,000 word challenge book, though I'm still a little behind as I started a day late.  I suspect I'll catch up as the week unfolds, and probably begin to exceed where I need to be, but it was really all I could do to get the 1200 out that I did today.  I'm very pleased with myself, though, that as tough as it was, I did get something out and am currently at about 4,000 of the 50,000 I will need by month end.

I'm surprised I was able to come up with as much as I have for this blog post, but am about ready to take out the contacts and assume a horizontal positions in a bed that's been pre-warmed by my furry children.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for a fun and eventful weekend.
2. I am grateful that I could add at least something to my project.
3. I am grateful for continued love, support and encouragement.
4. I am grateful for continued signs that I'm finally on my true path.
5. I am grateful for the week ahead in which to accomplish a lot of things.

Love and light!

November 2, 2013 Am I distracted?

Good lord, what a loaded question (as I backspace over "October" for the second time in two days!).

I got up this morning, maybe 45 minutes later than I'd intended, but kitty cuddles in the morning are so hard to resist!   I thanked Dylan for his lovely purrs on my head when I woke up with a stiff neck and aching back because by the time I got up, most of the stiffness was gone, thanks to cat therapy!

But I digress.  I got up and put my gym clothes on, fully intending to do a workout before the day got crazy, yet here I sit, at almost 11:00, still half dressed after having gone in about 7 different directions over breakfast and my first cup of coffee.

So far, I've browsed websites for a Kitchenaid double oven stove (which I don't exactly need as the stove I have isn't that old!), found a great deal on one which I've added to my cart, though have not fully committed to ($1600 is still a lot of money for someone in my position to pay for something she doesn't exactly NEED but would really LIKE to have, especially with Thanksgiving coming up!)  My darling daughter of "failure-to-try-to-talk-me-out-of-adopting-Dylan-man-fame" was egging me on while half-heartedly mentioning that we no longer cook the turkey in the oven since we discovered how moist it comes out and how quickly it cooks in the electric dutch oven.  I noticed she didn't throw in something about how she could really use my double oven for her baking,  should I decide to invest in said appliance.

After vacillating over the non-essential luxury purchase for awhile, I turned my attention to a suggestion I received from a friend at last night's pre-reunion gathering, and sought out writers' groups in my area via Meetup.  I joined one and applied to join another, though their current events are on weekends I can't make right now.  I want to have options over the next few weeks, and, ultimately, make a commitment to a regular group or two as part of my process.

So here I sit, trying to decide whether to go to the gym or just put in a Zumba dvd or two instead, knowing that I need to call a friend in an hour or so about helping me put together something creative for the reunion, then work out a time with my daughter to help me do something with the rat's nest I fondly refer to as my hair (but at least the grey is temporarily gone and the color is brighter for a little help from a bottle. 

Then my daughter calls again, and another half hour passes with little or no activity.  <sigh>

As if I didn't already have enough distractions going, my darling daughter again asks if I've checked out the 50,000 words in a month writing challenge.  So what does the woman who was going to get in a workout this morning before getting all dolled up for her reunion do?  As if there's really any question?

So, after signing up for the challenge and writing about 2700 words of a story that wasn't even a germ of an idea at 11:00 this morning, before forcing myself to stop and get ready for the reunion.

As was suggested not to subtly by my ART class, I responded with "writer" when asked by my classmates what I do.  In fact, I did the same at the pre-reunion gathering on Friday night, and came away with suggestions to check Meetup for writers' groups.

So the actual accomplishments today included:
1. signing up for 2 writers' groups on Meetup.
2. Signing up for the 30 day, 50,000 word NaNoWriMo challenge
3. Writing 2700 words of the 50,000 goal.
4. having a blast talking eating and dancing with my classmates.

I would list what I did not get done, but frankly, that's counterproductive.  I try to keep my focus on the positive, and that means, what I did do rather than what I failed to accomplish.  As Scarlet O'Hara said: "After all, tomorrow is another day!"

For my personal goals, I plan to write at least 3000 words tomorrow, especially since writing every day is going to be a challenge in and of itself, so if I exceed the daily minimum on the days I do write, it will make up for the days I'm unable to get a few words in.  Though, admittedly, now that I've gotten started, aside from exhaustion which I'm pleading now, I see no reason why I won't get at least a bit in each day, because I really want to be writing, and I'm excited about my latest project!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful to all of the people who encourage me and challenge me to do more.
2. I am grateful for my ADD which allows me to move in multiple directions without missing a beat.
3. I am grateful to all of the people who shared the reunion with me tonight.  I had a blast, and felt a lot of love and joy filling the room!  For those who weren't able to join us, know that we felt you there in spirit!
4. I am grateful for all of the positive, supportive energy I'm feeling now, and especially for the fact that that energy is growing so quickly that it clearly cannot be contained.
5. I am grateful for the fond memories that are passing through my mind of an evening well spent, as I sit here, trying to finish my post before I pass out from exhaustion.

Love and light.

November 1, 2013 Reunion weekend and....

The weekend I've been anticipating with a mixture of feelings has arrived. 

Why mixed feelings, you ask?  Well, let me try to explain.

I've been reading a lot of energy updates which target this weekend as one in which some pretty sweeping changes will be set off.  The solar eclipse on Sunday is certainly part of the problem, but other alignments and misalignments will also be suspect!

But this is also the weekend of my high school reunion, and people started arriving today to share our casual evening at the Cantina tonight.  It was so good to see faces which, while maybe not so familiar now, certainly bring back memories of a more innocent time.  Tonight we got to share a relaxing evening, catching up, getting to know spouses, and just sharing a few laughs.  Tomorrow, I'll spend time with a friend or two before getting into my Sunday best for a more formal evening of dining, dancing and, yes, more talking and hugging!  Then we'll finish off our celebration with brunch on Sunday for those who might still be ready for a little more time with each other.

But this energy thing is certainly making itself felt!  Although I was able to hyper focus for a good part of the day, there were unusual delays and interruptions throughout the day, until my momentum finally just hit a wall!  I know I can resume my efforts on Monday, but have my doubts as to how smoothly it might go, given, not only the last two days, which were craziness personified, but also the energy of the next couple, which could well tear my best laid plans assunder!

I'm reading that it is similar to being in the birth canal, being pushed and shoved and squashed, but sent ever forward until that moment, which can be somewhat traumatic, when you emerge into a new place with new noises, strange lights, odd smells and less protection from outside forces.  Check here if you'd like to see what I've been readng:  http://www.thepowerpath.com/index.php/power-path-home/the-power-path/monthly-forecast/577-november-forecast-2013

As usual, I felt the quickening a couple of days ahead of time, so while everyone else might not really start to feel the pressure to emerge for another day or so, I've been experiencing it most of the week.  I'm liable to come flying out, instead of a gentle sliding into the world, but my normal state is anything but patient, so it's fitting that I emerge with a virtual bang. 

I'm trying to be sensitive to the changes occurring for the people around me, but along with my distraction seems to come a feeling that I can only focus on myself for right now.  My energy just isn't available to everyone who might need it.  I'm going to be somewhat selfish for the next few weeks, giving of my energy only when I really want to, and the rest of the time, only a select few will be my beneficiaries.

It's really an interesting juggling act, to be uber responsible on the one hand, and completely let go and trust in Source on the other.  It seems that the mundane responsibilities need to be dealt with right now, perhaps to clear the way for the more creative, esoteric ones which will be filling all of the space by month-end.  It really is like a house cleaning, but one in which you get all of the mundane tasks cleared and filed away so your work area is clear for energy work, the arts, and other things which rely on faith in yourself, the energy of the Universe and a number of factors which aren't exactly tangible, but can be felt all the same.

I have an urge to reorganize my office, moving things around, and clearing out that which no longer serves me.  I feel I'm going to need the space for the new things coming into my life, and that I'd best have the space available before I'm going to need it or the juggling act will resemble the guys with the spinning plates when the big, floppy, shaggy dog runs through them to get at the cat. 

As I'm not a fan of flying, crashing explosions of crockery, my choice is to get it packed safely away before it is at risk for mass destruction 

So the next week or two look to be a time of both mental and physical purging.  Clearing out the old to make room for the new which is coming, whether there is room or not, so I might as well make everyone comfortable!

My gratititudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the opportunity to reconnect with old friends.
2. I am grateful for the opportunity to let go of those things which no longer serve me.
3, I am grateful for the choices I'm making and the fact that I can just trust in everything working out as it's supposed to without actually knowing how that will happen.
4. I am grateful for a plan to put some discipline into my world including work schedules, gym viisits, house cleaning and other tasks which, when put on a regular schedule, seem to get done without us realizing they're being handled.
5. I am grateful for my ability to turn some areas where I have exhibited negativity into something positive and productive.

Love and light.