This has been an interesting week for me, filled with synchronicities, boundaries and aha moments! I think it started with that crazy, powerful, full moon and just escalated.
I was gratified to find that by choosing to release the drama surrounding one part of my life, I found that my boundaries were being honored. If it was done a little unwillingly, but out of necessity in order to receive what was needed, that's ok. It's a start. It can certainly grow into something healthy and productive for us both
Changes I have been making internally over the last couple of years are starting to manifest In surprising ways. I looked at the paint patches on my walls which have been there since I first started working on my remodel and found myself thinking "yuk! I hate those colors! They're so boring!"
One, in particular reminded me of baby poop yellow! I'm so grateful that I came to my senses before putting it on entire walls instead of just a brush stroke on the wall next to my coffee pot. I can't even imagine having to look at that, day in and day out! It's really a good thing for me that those prayers went unanswered!
I've also been in my head a lot lately, and visualizations have arrived, unbidden with both increasing regularity and increasing clarity ( the unravelling bowling ball notwithstanding)
What I haven't been seeing, apparently, is the drama surrounding a couple of breakups which occurred recently between some dance friends. I guess when I cleared the drama from one area, I cleared it from them all.
Works for me!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my drama free life.
2. I am grateful for a fabulous night of dancing that ended with sore feet and rubber legs.
3. I am grateful that I recognized that if I find it difficult to talk to someone, they're not going to be "the one".
4.I am grateful for the many intentions I've been setting, and how they have all been working out, much better than I could have planned.
5. I am grateful for the warmth, love and positive energy I receive from all of my dance friends. Dance on!!!
Love and light.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Friday, January 17, 2014
January 17, 2014 Best laid plans
Today, I had planned to do several things, and most of them didn't happen. But as I see it, the most important ones did.
I started my day with the trip to the gym I had planned with my daughter, and though we both forgot to work the abs today, I think we had a pretty good workout, overall. Heather suggested a little Greek place for lunch, where we ordered our lunch (between my doing some trouble shooting for a client who managed to miss our gym time by just a skotch), and enjoyed our lunch on the little strip of sidewalk outside the restaurant.
Returning home, I took care of a couple of things, then decided it was time for my meditation.
Visuals during the meditation were so odd that it rather messed up my brain for the other things I wanted to spend the day doing.
I saw myself in an odd sort of bowling alley with people I don't recognize, but apparently, knew. Getting a glass of water was a major undertaking, especially with a little, grey kitten in my arms, bent on escaping (which she did at one point).
Back on the lanes, I proceeded to take a practice shot and the old bowling ball from my childhood, which I was attempting to use, had several different sets of finger holes, and suddenly just shredded itself in my hands.
Thus ensued a search for an alley ball, but they were organized in a most unusual fashion. Many were in boxes by brand, and there was a card with a key as to what the numbering sequences meant for the various brands, in terms of weight. As I took one ball out of it's box, it had a weird, flat spot on it until a friend pointed out that it was in yet another, mostly round, box.
Finally, returning to our lane, one of the women on the other team was becoming quite belligerent about the wait, but every time I tried to bowl, someone on one side or the other would start forward too (a serious breach of bowling courtesy.)
My meditation came to an end as I reached the boiling point, frustration-wise, and I no longer felt relaxed.
Since then, I've spent the rest of the day a little sick to my stomach, eating my last container of chicken soup for dinner, in hopes of settling it.
The stomach may have settled, but I'm feeling decidedly unsettled, and am wondering if the effects of the full moon the other night are still upon me? I know that a series of emails over the last couple of days has certainly created a bit of a stir for me, not to mention, the requirement for a day or two of work next week as well. (not a bad thing)
I have neglected my book for a couple of days as well, and hope that I can find the muse to write another couple of chapters soon. January is drawing to a close, and I don't want to break the promise I made to myself!
But as I look around my recently organized office (if you discount the books piled high, and not entirely neatly, on the shelves), I feel a sense of accomplishment and know that things are definitely moving forward, even if it's not as quickly as I might like.
My gratitude tonight are:
1. I am grateful for being able to cross things off my To Do list.
2. I am grateful for Day 3 of gym with my daughter.
3. I am grateful for unsettled days which make me appreciate those which are more productive and settled.
4. I am grateful for my Dylan-man who has been seriously attentive lately, in spite of our visitor who seems to require an extraordinary amount of attention.
5. I am grateful for the new life I'm making for myself, and the realization that a partner will come into my life when we are both ready.
Love and light.
I started my day with the trip to the gym I had planned with my daughter, and though we both forgot to work the abs today, I think we had a pretty good workout, overall. Heather suggested a little Greek place for lunch, where we ordered our lunch (between my doing some trouble shooting for a client who managed to miss our gym time by just a skotch), and enjoyed our lunch on the little strip of sidewalk outside the restaurant.
Returning home, I took care of a couple of things, then decided it was time for my meditation.
Visuals during the meditation were so odd that it rather messed up my brain for the other things I wanted to spend the day doing.
I saw myself in an odd sort of bowling alley with people I don't recognize, but apparently, knew. Getting a glass of water was a major undertaking, especially with a little, grey kitten in my arms, bent on escaping (which she did at one point).
Back on the lanes, I proceeded to take a practice shot and the old bowling ball from my childhood, which I was attempting to use, had several different sets of finger holes, and suddenly just shredded itself in my hands.
Thus ensued a search for an alley ball, but they were organized in a most unusual fashion. Many were in boxes by brand, and there was a card with a key as to what the numbering sequences meant for the various brands, in terms of weight. As I took one ball out of it's box, it had a weird, flat spot on it until a friend pointed out that it was in yet another, mostly round, box.
Finally, returning to our lane, one of the women on the other team was becoming quite belligerent about the wait, but every time I tried to bowl, someone on one side or the other would start forward too (a serious breach of bowling courtesy.)
My meditation came to an end as I reached the boiling point, frustration-wise, and I no longer felt relaxed.
Since then, I've spent the rest of the day a little sick to my stomach, eating my last container of chicken soup for dinner, in hopes of settling it.
The stomach may have settled, but I'm feeling decidedly unsettled, and am wondering if the effects of the full moon the other night are still upon me? I know that a series of emails over the last couple of days has certainly created a bit of a stir for me, not to mention, the requirement for a day or two of work next week as well. (not a bad thing)
I have neglected my book for a couple of days as well, and hope that I can find the muse to write another couple of chapters soon. January is drawing to a close, and I don't want to break the promise I made to myself!
But as I look around my recently organized office (if you discount the books piled high, and not entirely neatly, on the shelves), I feel a sense of accomplishment and know that things are definitely moving forward, even if it's not as quickly as I might like.
My gratitude tonight are:
1. I am grateful for being able to cross things off my To Do list.
2. I am grateful for Day 3 of gym with my daughter.
3. I am grateful for unsettled days which make me appreciate those which are more productive and settled.
4. I am grateful for my Dylan-man who has been seriously attentive lately, in spite of our visitor who seems to require an extraordinary amount of attention.
5. I am grateful for the new life I'm making for myself, and the realization that a partner will come into my life when we are both ready.
Love and light.
Thursday, January 16, 2014
January 15-16, 2014 Getting serious about living my Truth.
...but best of all, getting serious about getting up and moving more!
I started using My Fitness Pal again to track my food intake and exercise, because I remember that when I was using it before, I lost about 30 pounds and kept it off for at least a little while. There is definitely something to be said for accountability.
Five days ago, I began holding myself accountable, and today, I'm down almost two pounds! Not only that, the decluttering project I started in December but had put off (though it glared at me daily from my To Do List) finally got done yesterday! Sure, it took nearly three hours, but oh, the calories I burned, and how much lighter I feel with all of the junk no longer piled up on the shelf under my window!
Sadly, my poor, neglected felines no longer have things to randomly knock to the floor, but they now have a clear, clean place from which to watch the birds frolic in the tree outside the window while I work to earn their daily kibble.
I didn't get around to finishing this post yesterday, so I'm going to continue with it today.
Interesting how synchronicity slips into our lives. Today, I was working on my homework, and one of the questions led straight to the post I'd written on intimacy earlier this month. Clearly, there is a reason I wrote the post, a reason a friend asked me to expand on a previous post, and a reason this issue is coming up for me now.
Part of the homework also involved using meditation to, essentially, poll body parts where we might be experiencing pain, so I focused, while doing homework, on a chronic tension spot in my back, and during my regular meditation, on what at first began as my left knee, but as I followed it further, originated in my left hip.
As I followed the pain backwards in time, I found what had come up to some degree in practice sessions I'd had this month.
When I was young, I had case of measles which necessitated my staying in bed 100% of the time, even to using a bed pan for my bodily functions. Ultimately, my mother had to do physical therapy exercises with me as a result of the confinement as I ended up with a hip spasm from lack of movement. The issue plagued me for many years and caused limitations in my physical movement as a result.
As I meditated on the spot, I re-experienced the sense of humiliation from lack of privacy for my bodily functions, my frustration and not being allowed out of bed for two weeks (as I was, maybe 6 or 7 at the time, this was a misery far and above the misery of being sick!), and finally, the pain of the physical therapy which my mother finally ceased before the recommended time period. In retrospect, I realized that she chose the lesser of two evils between helping heal me from the hip spasm and causing me pain.
In the meditation, I forgave her for making a choice which resulted in pain which lasted into my 20's, and thanked her for loving me enough to make a difficult choice.
I'd like to say that the pain in my hip was miraculously gone, but I know it is going to take some work to get through all of the emotions which are associated with this period of time in my life. The truth is, I've brushed the surface and made a good start, but this is only one part of the convoluted feelings I carry towards my childhood in general and my mother in particular. But recognizing an issue is the first step towards healing it, and in the last couple of weeks, I've acknowledged several pieces of my personal pie.
Both by myself and with the help of my teacher and classmates, I feel confident that I will heal this part of my personal past and continue moving closer to my own truth.
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the opportunity to sift back through the things which made me who I am, and to take the lessons while leaving the pain behind.
2. I am grateful for insights which come when I least expect them.
3. I am grateful to be learning to be compassionate towards myself because, only when I've learned that will I be able to fully extend that compassion to others.
4. I am grateful for the people I am now attracting who bring love, insight and humor into my life.
5. I am grateful for the opening of my heart, despite the fact that it is bringing more than a little trepidation into the mix right now.
Love and light.
I started using My Fitness Pal again to track my food intake and exercise, because I remember that when I was using it before, I lost about 30 pounds and kept it off for at least a little while. There is definitely something to be said for accountability.
Five days ago, I began holding myself accountable, and today, I'm down almost two pounds! Not only that, the decluttering project I started in December but had put off (though it glared at me daily from my To Do List) finally got done yesterday! Sure, it took nearly three hours, but oh, the calories I burned, and how much lighter I feel with all of the junk no longer piled up on the shelf under my window!
Sadly, my poor, neglected felines no longer have things to randomly knock to the floor, but they now have a clear, clean place from which to watch the birds frolic in the tree outside the window while I work to earn their daily kibble.
I didn't get around to finishing this post yesterday, so I'm going to continue with it today.
Interesting how synchronicity slips into our lives. Today, I was working on my homework, and one of the questions led straight to the post I'd written on intimacy earlier this month. Clearly, there is a reason I wrote the post, a reason a friend asked me to expand on a previous post, and a reason this issue is coming up for me now.
Part of the homework also involved using meditation to, essentially, poll body parts where we might be experiencing pain, so I focused, while doing homework, on a chronic tension spot in my back, and during my regular meditation, on what at first began as my left knee, but as I followed it further, originated in my left hip.
As I followed the pain backwards in time, I found what had come up to some degree in practice sessions I'd had this month.
When I was young, I had case of measles which necessitated my staying in bed 100% of the time, even to using a bed pan for my bodily functions. Ultimately, my mother had to do physical therapy exercises with me as a result of the confinement as I ended up with a hip spasm from lack of movement. The issue plagued me for many years and caused limitations in my physical movement as a result.
As I meditated on the spot, I re-experienced the sense of humiliation from lack of privacy for my bodily functions, my frustration and not being allowed out of bed for two weeks (as I was, maybe 6 or 7 at the time, this was a misery far and above the misery of being sick!), and finally, the pain of the physical therapy which my mother finally ceased before the recommended time period. In retrospect, I realized that she chose the lesser of two evils between helping heal me from the hip spasm and causing me pain.
In the meditation, I forgave her for making a choice which resulted in pain which lasted into my 20's, and thanked her for loving me enough to make a difficult choice.
I'd like to say that the pain in my hip was miraculously gone, but I know it is going to take some work to get through all of the emotions which are associated with this period of time in my life. The truth is, I've brushed the surface and made a good start, but this is only one part of the convoluted feelings I carry towards my childhood in general and my mother in particular. But recognizing an issue is the first step towards healing it, and in the last couple of weeks, I've acknowledged several pieces of my personal pie.
Both by myself and with the help of my teacher and classmates, I feel confident that I will heal this part of my personal past and continue moving closer to my own truth.
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the opportunity to sift back through the things which made me who I am, and to take the lessons while leaving the pain behind.
2. I am grateful for insights which come when I least expect them.
3. I am grateful to be learning to be compassionate towards myself because, only when I've learned that will I be able to fully extend that compassion to others.
4. I am grateful for the people I am now attracting who bring love, insight and humor into my life.
5. I am grateful for the opening of my heart, despite the fact that it is bringing more than a little trepidation into the mix right now.
Love and light.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
January 14, 2014 Suns, Moons, and Stars, Oh, My!
With a full moon in the forecast tomorrow, and, according to people who predict such things, it is supposed to be a very powerful, eclipse like one at that, I am inclined to experiment.
It was suggested that if we want to release something from our life which no longer serves us, we should write it on a piece of paper and either burn it or bury it today, then hang on tight for tomorrow's events. Since there's always something in my life that I could stand to release, I figured, what do I have to lose? I wrote a couple of words on a cute little sticky note which had my name on it as well as flowers and butterflies. Using a ceramic bowl my daughter had made me a few years ago, I put the piece of paper into the bowl and lit it with one of those butane fire starters. It burned for a bit, then went out. This went on for several more tries (and this was only about a 2" by 2" piece of paper!) until I overheated the fire starter. Digging through my junk drawer, I found another, and decided to put a piece of wax from the candleholders I'd unearthed by finishing the office decluttering I'd started last month, into the bowl. I'm not sure whether or not that did the trick, but the last bit of paper burned very nicely.
Whatever happens, I feel lighter, so maybe it's all about believing? It doesn't hurt that I had a very nice healing session with a classmate yesterday in which I released a bunch of old, cranky energy which hadn't served me well in...well, ever! It could also be the fact that I finally packed up all of the Encyclopedia Brittanica, leaving room on the shelves for books that had been scattered around my office. In the process, I also cleaned off the top of the bookshelves under my office window for the first time in recorded history. Of course, it wasn't clear for very long, as the cats found the open window, the cleared space and the birds chirping in the tree outside, irresistable!
It's a funny thing about decluttering. Once you start, it's hard to stop! I don't mean that I find myself cleaning something every day, but I now see many opportunities for getting rid of things I will never use again, nor have I needed in eons!
But I do need to throttle back a bit so I can complete some other projects which have been on my desk for a month or so, and really need to be wound up soon. One of those projects is the first draft of my book. I've promised myself it would be completed by the end of January, and I'm starting to run short of time. Fortunately, I'm really close to the end, knowing that it will undergo major revisions once I have that first pass down on computer. At nearly 64,000 words, I'm still holding to my estimate that it will be between 70,000 and 75,000 upon completion of the draft. I doubt I'll be far off!
For now, I'll buckle my seat belt until I see what tomorrow's new moon might bring, and whether it's a full on, pyrotechnic display or a fizzle and a pop, I have plenty on my plate to keep me busy either way.
So tell me, do you do anything special for these extra powerful full moons, or double new moons or any of the other planetary contra dances occurring throughout the year? Or do you plead complete ignorance and, by the way, who cares? I'm curious as to what my readers think, and how they go about acting upon things which could alter, strengthen or blow up their chosen path.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for opportunities to try things, whether or not they might yield results. Experimentation eventually leads to some kind of discovery.
2. I am grateful for the desire that has arisen in me to clear out my space.
3. I am grateful for the patience my cats have had with all of the commotion, not to mention dust, I've been raising lately.
4. I am grateful for the first dance night of the week coming up tomorrow.
5. I am grateful for happy endings and new beginnings.
Love and light.
It was suggested that if we want to release something from our life which no longer serves us, we should write it on a piece of paper and either burn it or bury it today, then hang on tight for tomorrow's events. Since there's always something in my life that I could stand to release, I figured, what do I have to lose? I wrote a couple of words on a cute little sticky note which had my name on it as well as flowers and butterflies. Using a ceramic bowl my daughter had made me a few years ago, I put the piece of paper into the bowl and lit it with one of those butane fire starters. It burned for a bit, then went out. This went on for several more tries (and this was only about a 2" by 2" piece of paper!) until I overheated the fire starter. Digging through my junk drawer, I found another, and decided to put a piece of wax from the candleholders I'd unearthed by finishing the office decluttering I'd started last month, into the bowl. I'm not sure whether or not that did the trick, but the last bit of paper burned very nicely.
Whatever happens, I feel lighter, so maybe it's all about believing? It doesn't hurt that I had a very nice healing session with a classmate yesterday in which I released a bunch of old, cranky energy which hadn't served me well in...well, ever! It could also be the fact that I finally packed up all of the Encyclopedia Brittanica, leaving room on the shelves for books that had been scattered around my office. In the process, I also cleaned off the top of the bookshelves under my office window for the first time in recorded history. Of course, it wasn't clear for very long, as the cats found the open window, the cleared space and the birds chirping in the tree outside, irresistable!
It's a funny thing about decluttering. Once you start, it's hard to stop! I don't mean that I find myself cleaning something every day, but I now see many opportunities for getting rid of things I will never use again, nor have I needed in eons!
But I do need to throttle back a bit so I can complete some other projects which have been on my desk for a month or so, and really need to be wound up soon. One of those projects is the first draft of my book. I've promised myself it would be completed by the end of January, and I'm starting to run short of time. Fortunately, I'm really close to the end, knowing that it will undergo major revisions once I have that first pass down on computer. At nearly 64,000 words, I'm still holding to my estimate that it will be between 70,000 and 75,000 upon completion of the draft. I doubt I'll be far off!
For now, I'll buckle my seat belt until I see what tomorrow's new moon might bring, and whether it's a full on, pyrotechnic display or a fizzle and a pop, I have plenty on my plate to keep me busy either way.
So tell me, do you do anything special for these extra powerful full moons, or double new moons or any of the other planetary contra dances occurring throughout the year? Or do you plead complete ignorance and, by the way, who cares? I'm curious as to what my readers think, and how they go about acting upon things which could alter, strengthen or blow up their chosen path.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for opportunities to try things, whether or not they might yield results. Experimentation eventually leads to some kind of discovery.
2. I am grateful for the desire that has arisen in me to clear out my space.
3. I am grateful for the patience my cats have had with all of the commotion, not to mention dust, I've been raising lately.
4. I am grateful for the first dance night of the week coming up tomorrow.
5. I am grateful for happy endings and new beginnings.
Love and light.
Monday, January 13, 2014
January 13, 2014 Improvements
I got up early today, didn't walk into anything an poured myself a normal sized cup of coffee.
To most people, the above statement wouldn't generate more than a "So?", but for those of us blessed with the klutz gene, who almost daily find new mystery bruises on their body, who for no particular reason find themselves continuing to pour coffee, despite the fact that the cup is overflowing onto the counter, this is a banner day!
Yes, I have always been a klutz. At her wit's end over my inability to cross a room without tripping or crashing into something, my mother enrolled me in a dance class at the age of 5. Unbeknownst to her, the traits which drove her to distraction were so deeply ingrained in me, that no amount of instruction in grace and poise would ever change the fact that I'm a klutz. Instead, she gave me a passion for dance which has followed me through my life, a gift I am constantly grateful for. Had it not been for behaviour which embarrassed her, I might never have discovered one of my passions, so this klutziness definitely has its positive side!
Is this mysterious gene inherited, you might ask, or is it simply a mutation. If my daughters are any proof, it is definitely passed down, at least from mother to daughter. We spent their formative years comparing those mystery bruises.
It may be connected to our ADHD because, otherwise, how do you explain acquiring these sometimes large, painful bruises without being aware of when you get them? In the case of the coffee incident, I know for a fact that my mind was wandering (as when does it not?) and just lost track of how much coffee was already in the cup.
These days, I spend more time thinking about the latest crazy dream, where my book is going next, or the next story idea than I do those mundane tasks like walking safely from room to room or doing those every day, mindless chores. I mean, seriously, how much thought do you need to put into throwing a load of laundry into the machine or putting away dishes you've put away a thousand times?
Life gives me so many moments to just let my imagination wander. Why shouldn't I take advantage of them? OK, so I missed my offramp....five miles back. Yes, I went to the store and came back with at least four things missing. Yes, I have had the same piece of paper on my desk for a month (and also on my To Do List) and I still haven't taken care of it. It'll get done....eventually.
It is probably tied to what my mind finds important, and by important, I mean interesting. It's a lot like the people I gravitate to these days. They're typically smart, funny, thinking types whose minds make me sit up and say "Yeah!". They may have strong ideas and beliefs, but are open to those of others, whether or not they might agree with them. Oftentimes, they are beautiful examples of what I'm aspiring to be. Most of all, they're creative in some way!
More and more as my days as a freelancer stretch out, I realize that the most powerful driving force behind my ability to take this leap of faith is that I was bored out of my mind! Nowadays, that is rarely an issue. I can play a game if that's my desire, take a walk, work on some client stuff, write some more of my book, blog, do a tarot reading, meditate....even clean if that's what frosts my cupcake at the moment! In short, no more boredom! And now that my daughter is also free to make her own schedule, we'll be going to the gym regularly and working on getting healthier physically too.
It all boils down to this: I love my life and I love the me I'm finally able to become!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for how things always turn out for the best.
2. I am grateful for always having enough.
3. I am grateful for being so in love with my life that I don't want to sleep it away.
4. I am grateful for a schedule that's both full and flexible.
5. I am grateful for all of the people in my life who challenge me, push me, make me laugh, frustrate me until I make necessary changes and love me for the crazy, klutzy, nonconformist I am.
Love and light
To most people, the above statement wouldn't generate more than a "So?", but for those of us blessed with the klutz gene, who almost daily find new mystery bruises on their body, who for no particular reason find themselves continuing to pour coffee, despite the fact that the cup is overflowing onto the counter, this is a banner day!
Yes, I have always been a klutz. At her wit's end over my inability to cross a room without tripping or crashing into something, my mother enrolled me in a dance class at the age of 5. Unbeknownst to her, the traits which drove her to distraction were so deeply ingrained in me, that no amount of instruction in grace and poise would ever change the fact that I'm a klutz. Instead, she gave me a passion for dance which has followed me through my life, a gift I am constantly grateful for. Had it not been for behaviour which embarrassed her, I might never have discovered one of my passions, so this klutziness definitely has its positive side!
Is this mysterious gene inherited, you might ask, or is it simply a mutation. If my daughters are any proof, it is definitely passed down, at least from mother to daughter. We spent their formative years comparing those mystery bruises.
It may be connected to our ADHD because, otherwise, how do you explain acquiring these sometimes large, painful bruises without being aware of when you get them? In the case of the coffee incident, I know for a fact that my mind was wandering (as when does it not?) and just lost track of how much coffee was already in the cup.
These days, I spend more time thinking about the latest crazy dream, where my book is going next, or the next story idea than I do those mundane tasks like walking safely from room to room or doing those every day, mindless chores. I mean, seriously, how much thought do you need to put into throwing a load of laundry into the machine or putting away dishes you've put away a thousand times?
Life gives me so many moments to just let my imagination wander. Why shouldn't I take advantage of them? OK, so I missed my offramp....five miles back. Yes, I went to the store and came back with at least four things missing. Yes, I have had the same piece of paper on my desk for a month (and also on my To Do List) and I still haven't taken care of it. It'll get done....eventually.
It is probably tied to what my mind finds important, and by important, I mean interesting. It's a lot like the people I gravitate to these days. They're typically smart, funny, thinking types whose minds make me sit up and say "Yeah!". They may have strong ideas and beliefs, but are open to those of others, whether or not they might agree with them. Oftentimes, they are beautiful examples of what I'm aspiring to be. Most of all, they're creative in some way!
More and more as my days as a freelancer stretch out, I realize that the most powerful driving force behind my ability to take this leap of faith is that I was bored out of my mind! Nowadays, that is rarely an issue. I can play a game if that's my desire, take a walk, work on some client stuff, write some more of my book, blog, do a tarot reading, meditate....even clean if that's what frosts my cupcake at the moment! In short, no more boredom! And now that my daughter is also free to make her own schedule, we'll be going to the gym regularly and working on getting healthier physically too.
It all boils down to this: I love my life and I love the me I'm finally able to become!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for how things always turn out for the best.
2. I am grateful for always having enough.
3. I am grateful for being so in love with my life that I don't want to sleep it away.
4. I am grateful for a schedule that's both full and flexible.
5. I am grateful for all of the people in my life who challenge me, push me, make me laugh, frustrate me until I make necessary changes and love me for the crazy, klutzy, nonconformist I am.
Love and light
Friday, January 10, 2014
January 10, 2014 Stealing an idea from Doreen Virtue: 2014 at a glance
After watching Doreen Virtue's 2014 Tarot reading and finding so much that I resonated with, I decided to do a personal one of my own. I might add that I pulled the cards twice as, the first time, I had failed to light a candle, which I felt was important to the reading (don't ask me why, I just did). Of course, it involved chasing the little cat I'm cat sitting off the desk as he didn't have the sense to leave the candle alone, like my own cats do.
I'll just comment on the first pull because it probably had some significance which I chose to ignore for now. It contained an extraordinary number of Major Arcana cards, which the one I chose to document did not.
But without further ado, here's my version of 2014:
I'll just comment on the first pull because it probably had some significance which I chose to ignore for now. It contained an extraordinary number of Major Arcana cards, which the one I chose to document did not.
But without further ado, here's my version of 2014:
Personal 12 month
Tarot Reading
Deck: Spiral
Draw Date: January
10, 2014
January: Nine of
Wands :
January sees me standing on my own with a great deal of energy and
drive, though I’m perceiving that I need to pull back into myself, protecting
what is mine. I must be cautious to
avoid pulling back too far or I might miss opportunities. This will be a very productive month both
work-wise and creatively as I’m focused and inclined towards reclusiveness to
some degree. The key areas of
importance here are to guard against being unduly defensive and protective.
February: Princess of
Cups: February sees me in a deeply
introspective state, continuing the relative reclusiveness of January while
bringing my heart to the forefront of my thoughts. Creativity is still very much a part of my
time and efforts, but matters of my heart become increasingly important if, as
yet, unsatisfied. I may find that I’m,
as yet, unaware of growing attachments as I reside deeply within myself and my
own, personal energies.
March: Justice: March will see me looking closely at all
areas of my life and making some difficult decisions as to what I must keep and
what I must let go if I’m to continue to grow and evolve. It could also involve the editing of my book,
when I’ll need to make some seemingly brutal cuts and changes to ensure
continuity and readability of my first published work. I could also see a drastic alteration in the
path I set in motion last November, and implemented in early December. It may become clear that some of what I took
upon myself is not, ultimately in support of my greater good, and I’ll need to
either change how I’m handling some things, or give them up in as professional
and considerate a manner as possible.
April: Seven of
Swords: In April, there will be definite
differences of opinion as to what I should keep and what should be left
behind. Whether this applies to my book
or to my accounting work, I will be inclined to guard what is near and dear to
me, perhaps losing sight of what is truly best for me in the long run. I will be inclined to want it all, but will
know that isn’t possible. I see this, in
part, as a continuation of the editing and culling process which begins in
March. All in all, it is important that
I weigh my choices carefully, listen to input from others and be willing to let
go of things I’d rather not, for the good of my career, my personal life and my
book.
May: Knight of
Pentacles: Input from an unexpected but
welcome source with fresh ideas will help me get things into perspective and
help me make decisions which will positively impact my financial health. I have laid the groundwork well, but mustn’t
overlook the caring and feeding process of my ideas and the responsibilities I’ve
taken on. New ideas will have been
planted as well, and I will be moving forward with some of them while continue
to cultivate those already growing and thriving. Accept
advice and refrain from becoming defensive when my work is criticized.
June: Ten of
Pentacles : June sees all of my efforts
enjoying unprecedented success. My
accounting side business is thriving and taking up just the right amount of
time. My book is published and selling
while work progresses smoothly on subsequent books. It’s even possible that another of the books
I have in progress has been completed, edited and published. Beware that the pace with which things are
happening leads to overindulgence or lack of personal care as I ride the waves
of success, both financial and personal.
Goals are certainly met, but there is much work ahead if I’m going to
stay at the top of my game. More decisions
may need to be made regarding how to effectively manage my work load.
July: Queen of Wands: Indications that a woman who is a “mover and
shaker” will be at the forefront of my life in July. This could be myself, a friend who has been
encouraging me to follow my dream, or maybe even an editor or publisher who is
interested in further promoting my work.
This woman holds a lot of power, though she wields it with grace. She has the midas touch when it comes to
creative endeavors and it seems that everything in which she has a hand thrives
and grows, bringing nourishment and enlightenment to many. She is a loving and giving soul, though she
can be tough and decisive when the situation requires it.
August: The Fool: August will be a case of “be careful what you
wish for”. I’ll be stepping off the precipice
into the realities of the choices I made months before, diving into a world
which moves a great deal faster than I might have imagined. It could be a month of book tours, or
editorial meetings for one of my new projects.
It could be that my remodeling project finds new life, or that I find
myself moving to someplace more suited to the new lifestyle I’ve acquired. Whatever it might be, it will be in my best
interests to be a little naïve and trusting, especially of the Universe and its
plans for my future. A new me is about
to be born, and the crazy, wild horse stampede pace of the year will only
increase from this point forward.
September: Eight of
Pentacles : As I’ve sown, so shall I
reap. This isn’t a time to cease the
hard work I’ve initiated this year. In
fact, the month may call for an even greater increase in effort and dedication
to my craft. Responsibilities continue
to mount, delegation may be required and the number of projects on my plate
continue to grow…and I am thriving as never before! I’m so in love with the work I do that it’s
hardly work at all, but purpose and love and sheer joy!
October: Ace of Wands: As if there wasn’t already enough on my
plate, October shows yet another creative endeavor beginning. Like the others, this one will progress
quickly, burning up the path as it moves forward. Divine connections will be easily recognized
and utilized in this new project which looks to be for the Greater Good. I will be guided to expend more effort
towards helping others and supporting the causes which are most important to
me.
November: Three of
Cups: Celebrating with friends and
family and those who have been instrumental in bringing about my many successes
will be the keynote of November. It will
be a time to show my gratitude to all who have pushed, prodded, supported,
encouraged and applauded me along the way.
I will be guided towards new and beautiful ways to express my gratitude,
both privately and publicly.
December: Ten of
Swords: There will be a sense of being
overwhelmed, of having too many responsibilities and too many demands being
made upon me, only exacerbated by the frenetic, holiday season. It is important for me to realize that many
of those demands are being made by myself, and to practice kindness to me,
first, taking a few things off of my plate, some permanently, and some until after
the holidays when social engagements diminish and preparations for family and
friends are complete. Once again, it
could require me to delegate and to take time away from my writing to address
my other responsibilities.
Summary:
Overall, this reading is fairly evenly spread between the
four suits and carries celebrations, successes and hard work in fairly equal
measure. There are certainly some
pitfalls I must overcome, but in the end, it will be a truly amazing year! (and what is success without some frustration
and a few challenges to overcome?)
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful to last night's DJ who played a dance called "Deja Vu" when my spirits were rather low due to some weird signals I had been receiving from a client all day. The dance is one of my favorites, and lifted my spirits amazingly!
2. I am grateful to the Universe which never fails to have my best interests at heart, and lately, has been making it clear sooner rather than later.
3. I am grateful for gratitudes which are very effective in pulling me out of a negative thought state.
4. I am grateful for my new morning routine of jumping out of bed, eager to meet the day's joys, challenges, responsibilities and surprises.
5. I am grateful to my daughter who bought us Lion King tickets for Chanukah, for tonight's show! Hakuna Matata!!!
Love and Light
Thursday, January 9, 2014
January 9, 2014 Intimacy
After yesterday's post, I was asked to clarify what I mean by intimacy. I'm going to begin by simply posting the definition from Random House Kernerman Webster's College dictionary:
in•ti•ma•cy (ˈɪn tÉ™ mÉ™ si)
n., pl. -cies.
in•ti•ma•cy (ˈɪn tÉ™ mÉ™ si)
n., pl. -cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and affectionate personal relationship.
3. a close association with or deep understanding of a place, subject, etc.
4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity or affection: the intimacy of using first names.
5. a sexual liberty.
6. privacy, esp. as suitable to the telling of a secret: in the intimacy of his studio.
And as it is, in the first definition, described as "the state of being intimate" (I do hate when they just refer back to another word!) here, too, is that definition:
in•ti•mate1 (ˈɪn tÉ™ mɪt)
adj.
adj.
1. associated in close personal relations: an intimate friend.
2. characterized by or involving warm friendship or a familiar association or feeling: an intimate greeting.
3. private; closely personal: one's intimate affairs.
4. characterized by or suggesting privacy or intimacy; cozy: an intimate café.
5. (of an association, knowledge, understanding, etc.) arising from close personal connection or familiar experience.
6. engaging in or characterized by sexual relations.
7. (of apparel) worn next to the skin.
8. showing a close union or combination of particles or elements: an intimate mixture.
9. inmost; personal: intimate secrets.
10. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of the inmost or essential nature: the intimate structure of an organism.
n.
11. an intimate friend or associate.
As I briefly explained to my friend, my struggles are on several levels, probably beginning with the first definition of "intimate". For whatever reason, issues from my past, ancestral issues, early childhood development or something else, I struggle to develop close, open bonds with other people. In some ways, it probably relates to times when my trust was betrayed, but in others, it was something that was missing in my upbringing. But whatever the cause, I trust that, in this lifetime, it is for me to figure it out and work through it.
I may not actually find the root of the problem, and that will be fine, so long as I find a way past the blockage to where I can be completely open with other individuals, allowing them to see the real me without benefit of any of the walls I've erected over the years.
One or two times during this lifetime, I've allowed someone to get close enough to me, to know me so well that they could finish my sentences, and I, theirs'. At the moment, the only person in my life who is that close to me is my daughter, Heather. I have reached a place in my life where I realize that is not enough, and that my daughter has a life of her own to live, and friends of her own to have this closeness with. Essentially, I need to get out and make my own friends of this nature.
I know that part of my block is deeply rooted in my own trust issues. I have put far too much importance on the times my trust has been betrayed, and far too little into the lessons I learned from the experience. Now it's time for me to put things in perspective and allow myself to grow.
I also find it difficult to engage in the intimacy of physical touch. I've learned to offer loving, sincere hugs, but am still reticent to offer them unless I'm reasonably sure the intended recipient is receptive. My ultimate goal is to offer them regardless of how they might be received or even rejected.
I also find that during my lessons in healing, I am having to put more effort into healing touch, and as a result, I'm intentionally choosing that route because it is more difficult for me. Talking, testing with the pendulum, visualizing, all come fairly easily to me so I need to stretch my kinesthetic abilities which are still in their infancy. They will probably never be at the level of some of my classmates, and that's ok as I have other gifts they currently don't, but I would like to develop them as far as possible.
Finally, and the most difficult for me to discuss, is my intimacy issues with regard to a romantic partner. For most of my life, and I have no idea where it comes from right now, I have associated sexual intimacy with at the very least, the suggestion of abuse. It might be bondage or humiliation or subordination. But regardless, I know in my heart that it isn't right. As I become more conscious of how distorted my concept of physical intimacy is, and how far removed it is from true romantic intimacy, I am faced with a broken bridge which cannot be crossed until it is repaired.
I know I'm changing, evolving, because dreams I used to have depicting my distorted viewpoints or betrayals have ceased. My heart and my mind are seeking to bridge the gaps, heal the hurts and take only the lessons away, but, like an onion, there are many layers which brought me to where I am today.
My goal, right now, is to slowly heal and remove those layers until, finally, I reach what I want the most: an open heart, able to easily give and receive intimacy on any and all levels available.
I hope this will not be perceived as over sharing. I try, in this blog, to speak directly and, when asked, to address a subject as openly and honestly as possible. As always, all comments, suggestions and personal experiences are welcome.
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for friends who encourage me to step outside of my comfort zone.
2. I am grateful for being able to process and release a lot of the layers under which I have been hiding.
3. I am grateful for the strength to step outside of my comfort zone more and more.
4. I am grateful for the words which come to me when I need them.
5. I am grateful for the levels of intimacy I have been able to achieve so far as they give me hope for further development as I travel my path.
Love and light
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
January 8, 2014 Serendipty
I was journaling for my ART class this morning and realized that what I was writing should also be a blog post, so here it is!
As this month has been one of transformation for me, I have
not followed a lot of my normal practices, but have allowed things to evolve as
they would.
For the first three weeks, I simply allowed myself to enjoy
the holiday preparations. I did my
shopping, leisurely wrapped packages, did some decluttering, put up the tree
(though it never got decorated), went to the gym when I felt like it, danced a
lot, and did a lot of self-healing.
As the New Year approached, I honored some work related
commitments and continued to work on my book which passed the 60,000 word mark
by early January.
During one self-healing session, I was experiencing an upset
stomach which was going to interfere with a movie day with my kids. I tried a couple of things, but finally just
imagined water flushing whatever toxins were upsetting my stomach away, and
went on to enjoy a fun movie and froyo with the kids.
But I realized that I hadn’t gotten to the root of the
problem, which became especially apparent when I started working on this month’s
homework.
And here, I will digress a bit. I’ve discovered that the homework keeps
increasing in intensity and, as a result, I can only manage to work on it for a
couple of hours at a time before I need to take a break. Although
I might be tempted to pick it up again, my Higher Self and Guides turn
me away, letting me know that I need to allow what I’ve done to settle before
moving on.
Back to the topic at hand (for my non-ADHD readers who might
find my rapid topic changes slightly unsettling): While going through the first couple of chapters
and associated questions, it became brutally apparent that the issue I’ve been
struggling with, and which is directly associated with the second chakra which
I’ve been working to clear for the last 6 months or so (rather successfully, I
might add), is intimacy.
I’ve shown resistance to intimacy in many ways, but am, only
now, becoming aware of the interrelationship between them.
First, I have a really hard time making close friends, not
because people aren’t out there who would be easy to connect with, but because
I am still shy of letting anyone get too close.
I have, in the last couple of years, been blessed with many wonderful,
amazing, caring, positively charged women in my life. Though I have certainly opened myself up to
friendships, I am not yet, for some reason, at a point where I can form the
really close bonds I see they all have with at least one other woman.
And here, I must digress again, because December saw me
having to end a relationship too. The
kids and I had made a lot of effort to include her in holidays and such,
despite the fact that it meant a great deal of driving to pick her up, bring
her here, then return her to her home again.
On Thanksgiving, she was given a time frame for pickup, yet needed to
make numerous phone calls when the earlier time had passed. Unbeknownst to her, we were wrestling with a
power problem and were not near our phones at the time.
Upon her arrival where the festivities were well underway,
with everyone cheerfully adjusting to the temporary arrangements we had to make
to get dinner finished, she brought a blast of negative energy in the form of
her obvious annoyance. She promptly sat
on the couch and expected everyone to serve her instead of getting up and using
her walker to take her the 8 feet or so to the dining room table where the
buffet was set up (I should note that she had no problem taking care of herself
the year before, and frankly, I’d think she’d prefer to do as much as possible
for herself!).
She expressed annoyance at the silliness which was going on
around her, and when it was time to take her home, complained about it to my
son-in-law the entire way home.
My kids subsequently expressed a lack of desire to repeat
the process for Christmas (which as it turns out, was a good thing, when my
daughter insisted we all unwrap our first presents from her, and a Nerf gun
fight erupted in my living room!) Thus,
we gave her no time for pickup and sent her a Christmas gift which began
arriving well before the Day.
The day before Christmas, she wanted to know when to expect
Mathom, and I let her know we weren’t including her for this one as she was not
comfortable with my adopted grandson. To
make a long story short (and because I’m tired of the negative energy this
discussion is exuding) she posted some pretty vituperative remarks publicly on
Facebook which resulted in my unfriending her.
I didn’t realize at the time that she could still private message me
until her anger erupted into my private message box. At that point, I found that I could also
block her and have done so.
Although I am saddened to have to take such a strong stand,
I realize that this was a test of my boundaries, and the fact that I needed to
re-establish them with her. She takes no
responsibility for the fact that she has pushed her son and most of her friends
away (by her own admission, friends used to come help her but rarely do any
more) and now, my kids and I as well, by her constant complaining and
expectations that the world should stop when she’s around and focus on
her. I wish her the best and hope she
sees what she’s doing before it’s too late.
My thoughts for her involve a great deal of imaginary, heart-shaped
confetti these days, love and light, and all of the blessings that are hers for
the seeking.
I don’t know if extending myself to her, only to find that
the ugliness was still within her has been a setback to resolving my own
intimacy issues. It has certainly
reminded me that those issues are not new to me, and certainly have something
to do with the lack of intimacy in my youth, the subsequent choices I made
which continued to “look for love in all the wrong places” as the song says,
and the closing off I’ve done for the past 15 years or better.
But whatever is behind it, as this is a year of putting my
comfort zone behind me, I’m looking for ways to continue the process. I’m reinstating my attendance at the
Wednesday night 2-step classes for starters.
I’m doing my best to reach out to friends and family in a more loving,
caring way which includes lowering my own walls still further. And I’m opening myself up to the possibility,
the very real possibility that I could meet someone and actually start dating
again. I felt a certain lightness
after I typed that, and even heaved a sigh of relief, so I’m sure that by
putting it out there like this, I’ve given the Universe the permission it
needed, let it know that I’m ready to allow a kind of attention I’ve shied away
from for a long time.
And all of this is why I have to take my homework in small
bites. When I work on homework, or
re-evaluate the personal healing sessions I do, it’s exhausting! I need time to refresh and regroup before
moving on.
And speaking of healing sessions: I had my monthly massage with Barb and told
her I’d hit a block on my book. I told
her what I’ve already mentioned to others about how the latest chapter just
wasn’t coming together. I felt like I
was missing an important part. I’m so
glad I did! During the session, after
she did a chelation and made a beeline for my left hip which had been hurting
(and gave it a really good working out in the process!), I found myself
drifting to the sticky part of the book, and suddenly, I had exactly what I
needed to go on! At first, I was worried
that I’d forget by the time I got home to write it down, then realized that all
I needed to do was to sit at the computer and allow. The rest would happen without any effort on
my part, because, in truth, the answer was in my subconscious mind all the
time!!!
After running a number of errands (as I’m now working from
home, I seem to have a preference for bundling things together so I have full
days when I don’t leave the house), I came home and put the words down on
screen while munching on a sandwich and soup I’d picked up at the market. The relief at putting an end to my writer’s
frustration (this was more than a mere block!) was immense!!
At the risk of writing something so long that nobody will want to take the time to read this, I'll end it here with my gratitudes and maybe write some more in another post tonight.)
1. I am grateful for lessons.
2. I am grateful for reminders that only I can set and maintain my boundaries.
3. I am grateful for the enlightenment I am receiving through homework and practice sessions.
4. I am grateful for the loving examples I have around me which will enable me to achieve the levels of intimacy I desire.
5. I am grateful for the additional energy I'm experiencing in this new life I've given myself.
Love and light (and heart shaped confetti where it's wanted or needed)
Monday, January 6, 2014
January 6, 2013 Feeling accomplished, feeling loved and feeling special.
After a day of both client work and chores, I find myself feeling quite accomplished, and realize that it really doesn't take much for us to make our days meaningful.
Whether we do something grand like support a charitable effort or help make a major change to the world, or something seemingly minor like complete a project for a client, wash all of the bedding, put the trash out, or just sit and cuddle a child or a pet, each task we do with love gives it meaning and purpose.
I sit here now, sharing my thoughts while stopping every few moments to pay attention to a feline or two. One stares curiously at the words moving across the screen while another head bonks my leg if I ignore her for too long. My heart swells with love for my little, furry children.
But I feel equally warm and fuzzy as I look at the clean and folded bedding which is the result of my efforts over the last two days, or see my hallways temporarily free of fur and debris.
Finishing a task for a client means some more hours of billing when the end of the month comes, and a sense of accomplishment that I can continue to do such tasks, sitting in front of my computer for several hours until the job is complete.
I find myself wondering, too, if this sense of warmth and accomplishment was aided by the smudging I gave my house today. Whether the sense of dragging I felt towards the chapter I was writing in my book yesterday was partially due to some lingering negative or old energy which needed to be cleared.
I do know that before I did the smudging, I spent a couple of days wandering around the house, accomplishing little besides the laundry, and unable to settle down to any one thing for very long before I grew bored or restless.
So I am faced with a chicken or the egg question. Am I settling because I smudged the house or because I got a lot of things done over the last couple of days? And frankly, does it really matter, as long as I feel good?
We all need to do something for ourselves, not just every now and then, but every day. It can be as simple as fixing ourselves a healthy snack or getting that extra half hour of sleep. It might be using that green goo that makes our face feel so good afterwards, or washing our bedding, pillows and all, in the lavender laundry detergent that makes us sigh when we sink into our soft bed after a long, busy day.
Whatever it is that makes you feel special, why wait for someone else to do it for you? You deserve something special each and every day, and expecting someone else to provide it, or denying yourself until someone does is, well, in my opinion, just, plain silly!
I choose to do a little something to spoil myself each and every day! How about you?
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for a whole cupboard full of clean, sweet smelling bedding.
2. I am grateful for all that I've accomplished today.
3. I am grateful to be able to put in billable hours this month.
4. I am grateful for the sheer volume of writing I've done over the past couple of months.
5. I am grateful for the encouragement and support I continue receiving for all of my endeavors, both great and small.
Love and light.
Whether we do something grand like support a charitable effort or help make a major change to the world, or something seemingly minor like complete a project for a client, wash all of the bedding, put the trash out, or just sit and cuddle a child or a pet, each task we do with love gives it meaning and purpose.
I sit here now, sharing my thoughts while stopping every few moments to pay attention to a feline or two. One stares curiously at the words moving across the screen while another head bonks my leg if I ignore her for too long. My heart swells with love for my little, furry children.
But I feel equally warm and fuzzy as I look at the clean and folded bedding which is the result of my efforts over the last two days, or see my hallways temporarily free of fur and debris.
Finishing a task for a client means some more hours of billing when the end of the month comes, and a sense of accomplishment that I can continue to do such tasks, sitting in front of my computer for several hours until the job is complete.
I find myself wondering, too, if this sense of warmth and accomplishment was aided by the smudging I gave my house today. Whether the sense of dragging I felt towards the chapter I was writing in my book yesterday was partially due to some lingering negative or old energy which needed to be cleared.
I do know that before I did the smudging, I spent a couple of days wandering around the house, accomplishing little besides the laundry, and unable to settle down to any one thing for very long before I grew bored or restless.
So I am faced with a chicken or the egg question. Am I settling because I smudged the house or because I got a lot of things done over the last couple of days? And frankly, does it really matter, as long as I feel good?
We all need to do something for ourselves, not just every now and then, but every day. It can be as simple as fixing ourselves a healthy snack or getting that extra half hour of sleep. It might be using that green goo that makes our face feel so good afterwards, or washing our bedding, pillows and all, in the lavender laundry detergent that makes us sigh when we sink into our soft bed after a long, busy day.
Whatever it is that makes you feel special, why wait for someone else to do it for you? You deserve something special each and every day, and expecting someone else to provide it, or denying yourself until someone does is, well, in my opinion, just, plain silly!
I choose to do a little something to spoil myself each and every day! How about you?
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for a whole cupboard full of clean, sweet smelling bedding.
2. I am grateful for all that I've accomplished today.
3. I am grateful to be able to put in billable hours this month.
4. I am grateful for the sheer volume of writing I've done over the past couple of months.
5. I am grateful for the encouragement and support I continue receiving for all of my endeavors, both great and small.
Love and light.
Friday, January 3, 2014
January 3, 2014 In a state of fugue
I find myself struggling to switch gears after two days of pretty intense accounting work. I really want to write, but I just can't seem to settle, and I realize that my logical brain is at work, which is not conducive to writing. As I write stream of consciousness most of the time, my logical brain is a hindrance. If I'm in a place where it just won't shut down, my writing suffers, and I'm likely to sit in front of my computer, staring at the screen in frustration as the effort to even put down a couple of hundred words is worse than childbirth!
So I'm diddling and doodling around tonight, snuggling with the cats, farting around on the ipad, watching a little tv that bores the ever lovin' daylights out of me, and trying to escape this fugue state.
I believe the only way I'll actually succeed is to do something physical tomorrow: laundry, finish putting away the Christmas stuff. traumatize the cats by running the vacuum. Stuff like that. In that way, while working the logic out of my head, I can also manage to accomplish some things I need to do anyway! Win-win!
The cats are mixed on whether they like this unsettled state. On the one hand, they will manage to find me on the sofa, at least for a bit, where they can get some much needed attention. On the other, I am up and down far too frequently for their taste!
In short, for the moment, aside from bringing home a little bacon, I'm not really making anyone happy. Fortunately, this, too, shall pass!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the times I'm unsettled as it makes me really appreciate the times when I can just focus and accomplish tons!
2. I am grateful to be on the other side of the holidays where life should settle back down into a rhythm which will include a great deal of writing.
3. I am grateful for having a house to myself where I don't have to be around people should that be my choice for the moment.
4. I am grateful for my nights out dancing as they keep me from becoming a hermit.
5. I am grateful for always having enough.
Love and light.
So I'm diddling and doodling around tonight, snuggling with the cats, farting around on the ipad, watching a little tv that bores the ever lovin' daylights out of me, and trying to escape this fugue state.
I believe the only way I'll actually succeed is to do something physical tomorrow: laundry, finish putting away the Christmas stuff. traumatize the cats by running the vacuum. Stuff like that. In that way, while working the logic out of my head, I can also manage to accomplish some things I need to do anyway! Win-win!
The cats are mixed on whether they like this unsettled state. On the one hand, they will manage to find me on the sofa, at least for a bit, where they can get some much needed attention. On the other, I am up and down far too frequently for their taste!
In short, for the moment, aside from bringing home a little bacon, I'm not really making anyone happy. Fortunately, this, too, shall pass!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the times I'm unsettled as it makes me really appreciate the times when I can just focus and accomplish tons!
2. I am grateful to be on the other side of the holidays where life should settle back down into a rhythm which will include a great deal of writing.
3. I am grateful for having a house to myself where I don't have to be around people should that be my choice for the moment.
4. I am grateful for my nights out dancing as they keep me from becoming a hermit.
5. I am grateful for always having enough.
Love and light.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
January 1, 2014 Just another New Year's Eve....Really???
After spending a delightful evening with friends and my kids, I found myself home by 11:45, sitting at my computer, eating a healthy snack and talking to the cats.
Why did I leave the party so close to midnight, you ask? The answer to that is both simple and complicated.
1. I had been there for over 5 hours, danced quite a bit and was getting tired.
2. I didn't want to drive too tired on a heavy drinking night (other people, not me)
3. The music they were playing was geared more for the younger crowd who'd come in later, and I didn't really feel like dancing to it.
4. I didn't have any reason to stay and watch all of the couples hug and kiss when my cats were waiting at home for me.
And, number 5...................................
Yes, folks, I'm a closet Manilow fan, and have been since my teens. But this song takes me back as well as taking me forward.
After all is said and done, it's just another New Year's Eve, and I'll be just fine. In fact, I'll be better than fine! This is the year I will start realizing a dream I've had almost since I learned to read (and I was reading at the tender age of 4!).
The first draft of my first novel is over 80% complete and I'm already planning at least two sequels.
I have work to sustain me while I write without cutting into my writing time.
My kids are starting to build their own dreams, maybe a little different than what they had been planning, but they're walking the road together, in love and supporting each other. It's all good.
I'm having my own, private Barry Manilow concert as I type and am sharing my space with cats who love me, no matter what I look like, smell like or feel like. I've learned that I can dream big and that if I take that first step, the rest will come together.
This year, I gained perspective. I gained courage. I gained another support group. I am letting go of the idea that I have to be alone, and can safely open my heart to other possibilities. Although this one is still going to take some work, in time, I know that I will clear space in my world for someone who walks a similar spiritual path, doesn't take himself too seriously, has a great sense of humor and a mind which can challenge and inspire me to be better than I imagined alone.
My dreams and premonitions are going in some interesting directions, too. A month or two ago, I had a dream about a dance friend in which he brought a woman nobody had ever met to the club and introduced her as his fiancee. This is a man who always comes alone and leaves alone (kind of like a male version of me!). I told him about the dream and we laughed. But tonight, he showed up late for the New Year's Eve party, dressed in a sports coat and slacks, with a date!!! As New Year's Eve is typically special, I have to assume that this was not a first date, and that the lady means more to him than a casual date. She didn't know many of the line dances or couples dances, so he danced while she watched, except for some two steps. So it pretty much fits into my dream so far, except for the actual ring. It will be interesting to see if it goes where my dream took it. If so, I'm really happy for him as he's a very nice guy, but I'll miss dancing with him.
And so, I'm in the mood for some Barry Manilow tonight.
Happy New Year, everyone. May the manifestation of your dreams exceed your expectations this year!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for friends.
2. I am grateful for dreams.
3. I am grateful for lessons.
4. I am grateful for abundance.
5. I am grateful for music which feeds my soul and moves my feet.
Love and light.
Why did I leave the party so close to midnight, you ask? The answer to that is both simple and complicated.
1. I had been there for over 5 hours, danced quite a bit and was getting tired.
2. I didn't want to drive too tired on a heavy drinking night (other people, not me)
3. The music they were playing was geared more for the younger crowd who'd come in later, and I didn't really feel like dancing to it.
4. I didn't have any reason to stay and watch all of the couples hug and kiss when my cats were waiting at home for me.
And, number 5...................................
Yes, folks, I'm a closet Manilow fan, and have been since my teens. But this song takes me back as well as taking me forward.
After all is said and done, it's just another New Year's Eve, and I'll be just fine. In fact, I'll be better than fine! This is the year I will start realizing a dream I've had almost since I learned to read (and I was reading at the tender age of 4!).
The first draft of my first novel is over 80% complete and I'm already planning at least two sequels.
I have work to sustain me while I write without cutting into my writing time.
My kids are starting to build their own dreams, maybe a little different than what they had been planning, but they're walking the road together, in love and supporting each other. It's all good.
I'm having my own, private Barry Manilow concert as I type and am sharing my space with cats who love me, no matter what I look like, smell like or feel like. I've learned that I can dream big and that if I take that first step, the rest will come together.
This year, I gained perspective. I gained courage. I gained another support group. I am letting go of the idea that I have to be alone, and can safely open my heart to other possibilities. Although this one is still going to take some work, in time, I know that I will clear space in my world for someone who walks a similar spiritual path, doesn't take himself too seriously, has a great sense of humor and a mind which can challenge and inspire me to be better than I imagined alone.
My dreams and premonitions are going in some interesting directions, too. A month or two ago, I had a dream about a dance friend in which he brought a woman nobody had ever met to the club and introduced her as his fiancee. This is a man who always comes alone and leaves alone (kind of like a male version of me!). I told him about the dream and we laughed. But tonight, he showed up late for the New Year's Eve party, dressed in a sports coat and slacks, with a date!!! As New Year's Eve is typically special, I have to assume that this was not a first date, and that the lady means more to him than a casual date. She didn't know many of the line dances or couples dances, so he danced while she watched, except for some two steps. So it pretty much fits into my dream so far, except for the actual ring. It will be interesting to see if it goes where my dream took it. If so, I'm really happy for him as he's a very nice guy, but I'll miss dancing with him.
And so, I'm in the mood for some Barry Manilow tonight.
Happy New Year, everyone. May the manifestation of your dreams exceed your expectations this year!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for friends.
2. I am grateful for dreams.
3. I am grateful for lessons.
4. I am grateful for abundance.
5. I am grateful for music which feeds my soul and moves my feet.
Love and light.
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