March 13, 2013 Short and sweet

This should be a shorter post than usual as I arrived home later from dancing than I'd planned, and by the time I'd given Loki her fluids, chatted with my son-in-law for a bit and did my usual futzing on the computer, it was after midnight and I hadn't made my breakfast and lunch for tomorrow or set up the coffee pot.  So here I sit, at just past 1 AM, still wound as tight as a watch spring, and determined to be consistent here, if nowhere else. 

It was an interesting, scattered day today.  Everything I picked up took three times as long as it should have due to interruptions, sidetracks and assorted other maladies designed to derail the unsuspecting.  The auditor who was visiting was actually the least of my concerns.  She showed up as planned, was shown to the office we have set aside for just such a purpose, began going through the piles of documents I'd had pulled for her and really only asked one question of me all day.  It was all of the other office activities which, if nothing else, make life interesting. 

A friend called me out for my use of words like "shielding" and "protection" from last night's post, essentially pointing out that they were not really words which describe my outlook these days.  In some ways, she is right.  The light which guides my path these days is there to guide me away from any obstacles and to a way which will always be clear for me, just as the light which shines from me is there to guide others where their path will always be clear.  When I make use of the word "shield", it is not so much for protection as to limit the amount of stimulus I receive from the outside world.  My daughters and I have found that we are quite sensitive to the emotions of other people and the closer we are to them, the more we pick up if we don't, in a sense, seal ourselves off from what we don't need to experience.  The shielding we do is somewhat selective, but if someone needed to get our attention, they could and would.  We also don't typically shield ourselves from our friends and loved ones, although there are times when someone is having a good wallow when we don't need to share. 

Just as we wear sunglasses to shield our eyes from the excessive glare of the sun, or ear protection if we are around something exceptionally loud like an airplane engine or a gun, the shields we erect are protection from excessive amounts of emotion.  This is the best I can manage to explain something which, unless you've experienced an emotional onslaught comparable to a New York subway during rush hour, won't really make much sense.  Suffice it to say that the absence of a filter or shield for some of the emotions we would normally feel, and not just feel but experience, we would be overburdened by not only the every day emotions our fellow humans experience, but all of the extremes as well.  And so, we shield, to protect ourselves from emotional overload and ensure that we can maintain our positive, joyful personal emotional state. 

There are certainly times when we'll lower those shields to better enable us to help someone or a situation, but the fact that we do keep the shields in place most of the time ensures that when we do lower the shields, we still have the sensitivity to separate what we're feeling into individuals and to determine which ones are really asking for help and which are simply putting their thoughts out there.  One thing I learned long ago is that it is very poor form to help someone who doesn't want to be helped.  In fact, proper protocol is to ask permission of the person's guide or Higher Self before initiating any assistance.  And yes, there have been times when I have been told in no uncertain terms to butt out.  I have a great respect for those who decline assistance because they are focused on facing the challenge on their own so that they can master a lesson and move on to other things.  I've been in that situation far too many times myself to lack an understanding of the need to manage our own processes.  In fact, as time goes on and I encounter different situations, I'm learning when I needn't even bother to ask because a person IS on their own learning curve.

The moral of this story is, if I allow my fingers to write independent of my brain, I need to be prepared to revisit what they've decided to impart and perhaps even offer clarification at a later date.   

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for friends who remind me to maintain my focus.
2. I am grateful for late dance nights, despite the hour or so of sleep I'll sacrifice as a result.
3. I am grateful for my cats who make sure I never feel completely alone, and who plant themselves in the kitchen while I'm running back and forth as a reminder to slow down and pet the kitty!
4. I am grateful for busy social weekends which seem to be becoming the norm rather than the exception.
5. I am grateful for the warm, soft bed which is waiting for me as soon as I finish this post.

Love and light.

March 12, 2013 Elusive thoughts

All day today I found myself thinking a thought and assuring myself that it should be included in tonight's post but even as I sit down earlier than normal to write, I find that not a single one of those thoughts remains.  Was it just that they were fleeting thoughts, never meant to be immortalized in print, or just that my mind is spinning so quickly with a bazillion random ideas that none has the opportunity to stick? 

Various predictive sources indicate that my life is destined, or perhaps doomed, to speed up starting today.  That's going to be a good trick as I feel like I've been on a supersonic roller coaster ride for at least the last week or two.  How much faster can it spin?  (And no,  Universe, I am not asking you to demonstrate!) 

Were it up to me, I'd see a dozen new opportunities for my career path to change directions with a huge improvement, the healing process on my knee and foot to reach completion in the next day or two, my energy level to increase even more and the directive for my body to reach a much healthier place see renewed momentum.  I would find myself with a new idea for my book which came so quickly that I could barely type fast enough to keep up with it.  I would also see myself finding ways to make several of my pending projects happen with even better results than I could ever have envisioned.  I would see my social life take on a life of its own further enabled by the change in career path which altered my working schedule such that it was a great deal more flexible. 

While meditating today, I focused on visualizing a big white ball of energy above my head.  It started out as planned but evolved into more of a waterfall of light flowing down around me.  It as almost as if, instead of me becoming part of the light, the light was forming a protective barrier around me.  Which leads me to wonder, what might I need protection from?  Or is it, instead, part of a mission I'm set to carry out, and the light is some kind of armor?  I'll simply ponder the possibilities and see what I come up with. 

After a couple of hours of mindless TV and kitty cuddles I think what I'm experiencing is a continuation on theme.  That theme is one of extreme change, a certain amount of upheaval resulting from those who resist change and an ultimate settling into a better place. 

I realize that there are lots of discussions about change, both needed and actual these days.  Sequestration has everyone running around like lunatics, fighting over what will and will not be cut.  Some people are actually looking at what is best for the country, though they are sadly in the minority when it comes to those who actually get to make those decisions.  Most are looking out for their own, personal special interests.

My question is, knowing that the financial problems of the U.S. of A. are really insignificant in the overall scheme of things, are we, as decision makers, guides, lightworkers and the like, also looking out for our own special interests or are we truly looking for the best solution for all concerned.  Or, in fact, does it really matter?  Are we, instead, just reaching that point of critical mass when everything has to normalize itself before the entire wheelbarrow goes over, spilling its contents all over the galaxy and back?  And of course, we cannot allow that to happen, so some sort of intercession is progressing according to plan to put everything back on a more stable track.  Maybe that is why I'm now seeing myself behind a waterfall of light because I am part of that change (which comes as no surprise since I've been sensing it for a long time now) and because the resistance which can be expected of some could result in some particularly nasty things being tossed about before the dust settles. 

Just as the shields I have established for myself, my home, and before they were able to establish their own, my daughters, are living, breathing, moving organisms, so, too, is this waterfall of light.  There is a flow to the shields which not only keeps them connected to the Earth's energy, but also makes them harder to penetrate because the weaves are constantly in motion, leaving no stationary gaps.  But more, the flowing nature fits perfectly with the flow of all living things.    Like a tennis player who stays loose on the balls of her feet, the ability to move quickly in any direction is maintained because there is never a point where the body settles.  The same thing occurs when light or water flows in a seemingly aimless manner in no particular direction.  Responding to disturbances is a simple matter of just flowing wherever it is needed, never fully committing to any single direction so that the slightest deviation can be met without hesitation.

There is an energy I can feel these days, flowing through me, around me and into everything I do.  I am no longer stagnating even though, sometimes, it feels like I'm waiting.  But I'm waiting with the alertness necessary to be able to move in any direction needed without prior warning.  The waters in the Sea of Souls are getting choppier, not like storm waters, but more to encourage us to avoid complacency and see everything as a new opportunity, a new challenge, a new chance to learn some of the skills we will be needing as the real changes begin to manifest.  It is small wonder that I find myself energized later in the evening, despite coming home exhausted and ready to just sleep.  I enter my home environment and the exhaustion drops away.  I may spend some time relaxing, but I continue to listen, to feel, to observe so that when the time comes for me to move, I'll already be in motion.  

I feel that I am also moving closer to those who will join me in helping to smooth the transition, those who have chosen to stay and see it through while others leave their human selves in droves.  I don't see this as cowardice.  I just see that they believe that their participation isn't necessary so they're getting out of the way.  I know I am drawing people to me and I to them as we are pieces of the puzzle which will soon be fitting together to form this new and dynamic pattern.

And I can't wait!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful to be allowed to participate in the changes which are imminent.
2. I am grateful for the restlessness I am feeling because I know when it settles the results will be amazing.
3. I am grateful for a Universe which continues to challenge and teach me.
4. I am grateful for the Souls with whom I will soon be working.
5. I am grateful for the friendships I am forming in this between time.

Love and light.

March 11, 2012 The Phoenix rises from the ashes...

Yesterday, after several days of dancing, walking and just running around, I did a glorious crash and burn, going to bed at an unprecedented 10:00 PM and sleeping until almost 8:00AM!  Clearly, my body was telling me that, although it enjoyed all of the exercise, it needed time to recoup. 

After a solid 8 plus hours of work today, I resumed my normal pace, doing laundry, making dinner, getting the trash out, making breakfast and lunch for the next two days and cleaning the kitchen.  It feels great to be back on track with the chores, at least.  Now to get the exercise routine back on track!  As I have everything ready for tomorrow, I should be able to drag myself out of bed, despite it being rather dark now that the time has changed, and do at least a little bit of stretching and exercising before my week of dance begins again on Wednesday.  The cats were delighted to have me working from home again, and alternated between hanging out with me in my office and taking over my bed. 

Interestingly, where I was, for awhile there, able to sit in front of the TV for hours on my nights at home, I'm finding that I get more than a little impatient now and won't just watch something out of boredom.  Instead, I'll turn the bloody thing OFF out of boredom and go find something else to do!  I see this as a great improvement along with finally adding Wednesdays back to my weekly dancing.  I'm hoping to start going to the gym either Monday or Tuesday and once on the weekends, though I'll be doing it alone as my daughter has a fitness room at her apartment and has been really good about using it!  I do have to say that I was sorely tempted to make use of her jacuzzi last night, had I been able to move that far! But I woke up reasonably ache free and didn't have to get up in the middle of the night to take Aleve, so I guess my body really does like to be used and abused! 

I'm also finding that trash nights, which used to wipe me out, now seem to wire me up instead!   By the time I clean the sandboxes, empty all of the trash receptacles and take the barrels to the curb, I'm ready to end my TV watching, do some chores, make lunches and write. 

In a nutshell, I'm really loving the changes I'm experiencing with regard to energy, motivation and stamina!  Like Joy and Gratitude, the more I expend, the more I seem to have!  That is not to say that the changes take hold the first time, every time.  Not at all!  Many times, I find myself doing really well with something for a few days, then slacking off, but the difference is, after a few days or even a couple of weeks of slacking, I'll get a new burst of inspiration and start up again!  Even with the writing, I found myself skipping a day, then two and even three at times, until I realized what was doing and put a stop to it.  As is quite apparent, I don't always have much to say, but can usually squeeze out a few hundred words on a bad day and a couple of thousand on a good one!  (yes, I know, there have been several good ones of late, and very few bad ones.) 

I am extremely grateful that I learned how to type quickly because there are times when my brain is spinning so fast, only very quick fingers could possibly get everything down before the thought is gone and my ADHD brain is three topics ahead.  The only saving grace is that if I sit here long enough, the original topic will come back around! 

Talking to a friend the other day, the subject of ADHD and how we attract friends came up.  We talked about how we ADHDers tend to jump from topic to topic like manic chipmunks and only someone with a similar pattern can not only follow us, but keep up with us and not miss a beat when we return to a topic we were discussing 20 or 30 minutes ago, and pick up right where we left off.  I used to think it was just me and that I was just not like anyone else, but as I've grown older and let go of a lot of my negative thinking, I'm finding that most of my friends are the same way.  If we just let go of our preconceived notions of being weird, we tend to gravitate towards each other anyway.    (and as I type that, I suddenly run out of steam on the topic and start to drift down another, as yet undefined path).

I'm taking a rather twisted path through some conversations I've had lately with a couple of men who have become discouraged about finding someone in what they consider the appropriate age range.  My first thought when I listen to them is that they are putting out the wrong signals "I'm never going to find..."  or "There just aren't any women in that age range..."  Either way, they're getting exactly what they're putting out there, and it's a huge reminder to me to make sure that I'm putting out thoughts of kindness, intelligence, a sense of humor and either already dances or has a desire to learn, not for someone else, but for himself.  And of course, he needs to be able to keep up with my ADHD brain.  But the reality is, as I said to a friend the other day, in many ways, I miss my high school and college days when we ran around in groups and were all just a bunch of good friends, first.  People did pair off, but it typically just sort of happened rather than anyone looking for more than the easy friendships we had.  So I think that's really what I want to put out to the Universe for right now.  A fun, active, intelligent, positive group of friends to hang out with both dancing and for other activities as well, be it hiking or dinner or a show or a game night.  It really doesn't matter what because the who is what makes it fun! 

And on that note, I will obey Toby who is sitting at my feet looking wistful as he needs his warm, soft bed to lay on for the next few hours, the poor, spoiled darling.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that my body can still spring back from several days of excessive activity.
2. I am grateful for friends who make me think and dream.
3. I am grateful for my dancing and the friends I make through it.
4. I am grateful for an abundance of positive energy, both given and received these days.
5. I am grateful for continued success, health, energy and prosperity.

Love and light.

March 10, 2013 Healthy alternatives

My daughter and I were discussing Easter while at breakfast today.  Our tradition, despite the fact that it isn't our holiday, has been to make baskets for each other filled with both traditional and non-traditional fare.  This year, however, we are both trying to stick with a healthy lifestyle and have asked each other to forgo the candy.  That left me with a bit of a challenge if I didn't want to forgo the holiday completely.  How to create the traditional Easter basket with something other than sugary treats.  I've put my brain into bunny mode to try to create a healthy, but fun basket of goodies for my kiddies.  Although I have  few ideas, I'm going to let them germinate for a bit until I have something full blown with which to work.

In the meantime, I'm curious as to what other people do to keep the tradition.  And do you throw out the healthy eating for a bit, or have you found a way to incorporate both? 

Part of what sent my brain in this unusual direction has to do with the last few days of dancing and walking.  Although I was achy by the end of the second dance class today, by the time I got home, the old body was actually feeling pretty good.  Not good enough to do more dancing or take another five mile hike, I'll admit, but most of the aches and pains have subsided.  I do need to remember to bring a snack to the lessons, though, as I ended up eating breakfast around 9:30 and nothing else until after 6:00!  Of course, I did stand in the club, and later the parking lot and talk for quite awhile with one of my dance friends, then spend the better part of another hour wandering around Whole Foods.  That last part might even be why I don't ache as much.  I kept my body moving at a moderate pace and worked out some of the kinks. What's left can probably be assuaged by the generous application of a hot shower and some focused stretching. 

It's really odd, after having been on the go for most of the last few days to just sit and relax, surrounded by my furry kids and have nothing special to do (aside from the cleaning I should do, of course!).  I'm just trying to decide whether I want to catch up on some reading, do another tarot spread or continue with an online course I started for fun.  Frankly, my brain isn't overly cooperative about any of it, and I still have tomorrow's breakfast and lunch to prepare. 

Going grocery shopping with Heather this morning was actually pretty helpful because we gave each other ideas.  She mentioned wanting to do more salads for lunch, and I came up with getting a package of the "just chicken" from TJ's.  Then she suggested the herbed feta and I wandered back to the produce section where we both bought tomatoes, cucumbers  and bell peppers while I added more mushrooms and shredded carrots to my basket.  I'm thinking I'll make up two salads at a time so I don't have to chop veggies every night.  It is just easier to chop twice as much one night than it is to chop every night.  I used to do that with fruit too, but have found that it is no big deal to do that fresh every night. 

(Posting this late as I crashed and burned last night!)

March 9, 2013 Comfort Zones, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing!

I've been talking the talk for quite awhile about stepping outside my comfort zone, but in reality, I haven't ventured very far away from mine, if the truth be told.  But that is about to change, thanks to two amazing friends who have unwittingly challenged me to get out of my Country dancing comfort zone (and I do include WCS in that, despite the fact that I make a lot of excuses for not going very often).  I have to thank my amazing, Latin dancing friend for setting the example for me, but her voice is joined by another friend who has offered up a dance called Casino Rueda for quite some time.

A search of the internet yielded a number of groups who do Casina Rueda, and I am anxious to try my hand, or feet, as it were, at this new-for-me dance.  Watching some YouTube videos, it appears to be a less energetic version of Salsa, but high energy nonetheless, although, like all dancing, you can increase or decrease the energy level by making the moves simpler or more complicated.

Meanwhile, I am also getting off my butt to work on my two step basics which have gotten a little frayed around the edges due to lack of practice (not that I don't dance, but social dancing isn't the place to concentrate on improving your technique!).  I'm also hoping to take my daughter up on her offer to take my grandpuppy out for walks several times a week, getting me out from in front of the TV and computer for some fresh air, exercise and conversation.  In time, maybe we can even work up to taking Gwennie for longer hikes up in the hills.  I'm sure she'd love that, as long as we can keep her from chasing every squirrel, bunny, lizard and butterfly who crosses her hyperactive path.

(warning, tangent coming).  Every now and then, I run across pictures of people and their dogs with the theme being how people and their dogs often look alike but I've never seen one which talks about personality.  My daughter was diagnosed (as about 65% of children are these days!) with ADHD when she was young.  She still has trouble focusing or sitting still unless it's something she's interested in, and frankly, so do I.  When she adopted Gwennie, she was just a puppy (and still is at a year and a half, if you ask me!) and had all of the energy of a typical puppy and all of her litter mates combined.  I realized that the dog is much like her mistress in that they both have lots of stray energy, and when they adopted their kitten, Arthur, he exhibited many of the same traits.  So I ask you, if a dog can look like her master/mistress, can she not, too, share personality traits?  For those of us who are chosen by our animals, wouldn't it make sense that the dog or cat can sense a person who will understand and appreciate certain characteristics because they are shared?

Heather's cat, Scooby, who stayed with me when she moved into her own place, also shares those hyperactive tendencies, even at 10 years old!  And when we adopted a playmate for him, Munchkin was even more hyper than Scooby!  The fact is, I don't have a single animal in my household who is truly content to just sit around and veg all day.  Even 15-year-old Patches gets in there with the best of them now and then.

Interestingly, in the years when I was more prone to sloth and negative thinking, the cats I had were a lot more mellow and were content to sleep on the bed or in my lap all day.  This could explain why Patches is rather more mellow than the rest.  While my current group of youngsters does love lap or snuggle time (Dylan isn't much for laps, but he does like to snuggle close, either against my leg or around my head), their idea of snuggle time can be a lot more energetic.  Munchkin and Scooby, for example, go straight for the shoulder where they expect to be scratched vigorously backwards and forwards until they say they're done.  Toby uses his considerable bulk to halt any other activities because a snuggle with him involves lap, chest, shoulders and both hands.  Imagine a hyperactive toddler covered in long, thick fur climbing into your lap and you have a pretty good picture of cuddle time with Toby.

The attraction for ADHD animals doesn't stop at my own doorstep either.  My grandkitty, Arthur, literally runs for the door when I enter my daughter's apartment.  He knows that his grandma will pick him up and carry him around with her, skritching him the whole time she's talking to the human inhabitants.

Even as I sit here typing, Patches is flinging herself against my legs and Scooby is sitting on the desk, resting his head on my shoulder to get my attention.

I'm going to make a point of watching how other people interact with their animals to see if I can detect similarities in personality.  Of course, not everyone allows the animal to choose them, and with strangers, there is no way to determine whether or not they are of the same mindset as me on this subject, but it will still be a fun observation game and who knows?  I might even learn something new! 


Wow!  What an amazing day!  I got hair done and bills paid early so we could meet a friend and her beautiful Aussie at the beach so Gwennie could have a play date.  The day was so beautiful that we ended up walking about 5 miles without even knowing it!!!  Then Gwennie got to go out to lunch with us at a dog-friendly restaurant where she got her own dishes of chicken and mashed potatoes!  Lucky puppy!  And she even made a new friend while we were there!  My poor grandpuppy really needs to work on her shyness and come out of her shell! :)

After that, you'd think we'd be too tired to dance, but not a chance!  We did get there later than usual, but danced our feet off in a room so full of energy that the walls seemed to be vibrating!  Of course, Spring break meant that a lot of the younger crowd got there earlier than normal but there were also a lot more WCS dancers than usual and the floor was full most of the night!  We finally called it a night around 10:30, much later than usual, but I know that it's going to take me hours to wind down, despite the fact that I'm really tired!  My mouth is yawning, but me feet are going tap, tap, tappity, tappity, TAPPITY TAP!!!  What's a girl to do?  I might have to pull up Payphone on YouTube and practice "Fairy Tales and Love songs...Whatever" in my living room, preferably, sans the obligatory trip over a furball who doesn't understand the concept of dancing.

While at the club, I got into a conversation with a friend about Spirituality and religious beliefs.  She made a comment about praying for me because I don't feel comfortable with the concept of an all seeing, all knowing, all powerful single deity.  I've been working really hard on accepting other peoples' beliefs without judgement or restriction, but the one area that's always given me a knee jerk reaction is when people tell me they're going to pray for me, usually because they think I'm unenlightened.  But I realized tonight while talking to my friend, that it really shouldn't matter to me if they feel they need to pray for me because they're really doing it for their own peace of mind, and it doesn't really impact me one way or another, aside from the fact that, in doing their praying, they're sending me positive energy.  The fact is, it doesn't matter whether you call it praying, or sending love and light or energy or anything else, nor does it matter why you send someone good thoughts or prayers or positive energy.  What matters is that you send them whatever you send with love in your heart.  How they choose to accept or receive it is on them, just as how you choose to send it is on you.  It's a lot like sending an intention out to the Universe.  It may or may not manifest as you've envisioned, but the main thing is that you sent the intention with energy and love.

We continued talking about different beliefs and how it makes life a lot more interesting to have friends who do have different beliefs because, frankly, if everyone I knew and cared about believed exactly as I do, I would get bored rather quickly.  It's no different than having everyone around you agree with everything you think or say.  There would be a lack of original thoughts, no reason to discuss anything and new ideas would just not exist.  Can you imagine an Einstein or an Edison who lived in a world where everyone was happy as they were, got along perfectly because there was never any reason to argue or seek change or improve where they were?  I don't know about you, but I'm horrified, just contemplating such a world!  I believe the place was filled with Stepford Wives!

I much prefer friends who challenge my ideas and make me think about them from different angles, looking for unexpected turns in the road and faults in my logic.  It makes my mind sharper and opens me up to possibilities I might not come up with if left to my own devices.  I thrive on intelligent conversations which just might tear apart everything I currently think to be true and right!  What fun to dig deeply into my own psyche and find treasures I hadn't known were there.  But if nobody challenged or questioned what I said or thought, I might never embark on that journey which led me to a whole new way of looking at the world!  Heck, to take it a step further, I would have no reason to strive to be a better person because, by the standards of everyone I knew, we were all already perfect!  Perfectly BORING, if you ask me!!

I have learned so much in the last few years from friends who saw things differently than I do.  They have caused me to open my eyes and really look at other viewpoints.  I might still hold onto my own in some cases, but they've taught me to open my heart and mind and accept their ideas too, even if they don't work for me,  because they DO work for someone else.

I come back to the fact that, not only am I Source, but everyone around me is too.  We are different facets of the same wholeness, Oneness.  And each of those facets can be looked at from many different angles so the possibilities are infinite.  And like chips in a kaleidoscope, those facets are ever changing so the image we get from one moment to the next has already changed innumerable times!  Although we can't hope to keep up with  all of the changes, we can be inspired, energized, challenged and expanded by our interaction with those facets.

I don't need to open a book to learn.  I simply need to open my mind and heart to all of the facets with whom I come into contact every minute, no, every second, even every nanosecond of every day!  All of the knowledge, insight and experience I could ever want is contained in those interactions which are mine for the asking!  The infinite possibilities boggle the average human mind!  But then, the average human mind would be less likely to even notice something outside of their comfort zone.

And here I've come, full circle.  As I move to expand my activities and take myself outside of my comfort zone, so, too, will I, of necessity, move outside of my comfort zone mentally and emotionally as well.

I can't wait to see what is around the next corner, and the next and the next and the next...

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for beautiful days with beautiful friends and beautiful dogs walking and talking for hours!
2. I am grateful for friends who give me the opportunity to see things differently.
3. I am grateful for all of the loving people who make me a part of their lives.
4. I am grateful for opportunities to learn, accept and grow.
5. I am grateful for an abundance of health, both mental and physical, lessons, opportunities and prosperity.

Love and light.  

March 8, 2013 Looking back with gratitude

In March of 2009, I began writing my pre-blog in notes on Facebook.  After running out of space too often, in April of 2011, I moved the pre-blog to this site, and made it a for real, grown up, public blog.  Between April  of 2011 and August of 2012, my ramblings were both written and read sporadically, racking up maybe 1000 hits from the time I started posting it here until August of 2012 when I made a pact with myself to write more consistently in order to establish a regular pattern of writing in preparation for the day when I actually sat down and started writing the book that is, even now, buried deep within me. 

Since that fateful Hot August night, my little corner of the world has not only grown in volume, but in readership and I have to say, I'm overwhelmed at the feedback I'm getting, the people who actually admit to reading what sometimes amounts to no more than a brain dump, (though I have been known, with more than a little help from the Universe, to actually find some interesting ideas out there!) and the fact that I have days when I get 50 or 60 hits! 

My gratitude for both the assistance and intervention provided by the Universe and the comments from those who read this on a fairly regular basis has me fit to bursting.  I am also extremely grateful for the ideas which come directly from a friend's post or a comment they made in passing, or by their example, the challenges they give me to continue growing and improving myself.  Without their invaluable input, my posts would be much shorter and far less frequent. 

As I look back at the over 300 posts I've managed to "pen" over the last few years, I'd like to think I've learned a few things, and become aware of many more which still need the administration of many repetitions until I master them.  I know, too, that once I do master a couple more, I will be presented with others to take their place, and in some ways, I'm anxious to master some of these guys so I can get more!  It's like reading an amazing book that has me on the edge of my seat.  I can't put it down, but when I reach the end I'm a little sad and hoping there will be a sequel as I have grown to love the characters and their environment.  In this case, learning some lessons guarantees that I'll be offered some more to learn, so that good book just goes on and on.  To me, that is a perfect world! 

What I'm trying to say, in my typical 10,000 words or more fashion, is that by sharing my thoughts in this blog, I have truly received far more than I've given and learned more than I ever expected to learn.  It has provided opportunities to throw an idea out there and get back suggestions, interpretations and avenues I might never have discovered on my own.  Sure, it is sometimes a bit scary to throw the inner workings of my brain and psyche out there for all the world to peruse, but at the same time, it supports the sometimes brutal honesty with which I've always tried to treat myself.  But putting a no-holds-barred approach into what I write, I can truly pull out not only the bridges but the barriers which are hindering my forward progress, take them apart and put them back together so that they become bridges instead.  I'm so glad my daughter encouraged me to go public with my writing.  I have come so far, yet have much farther to go.  But the trip is far easier these days because I know that if I hit a roadblock, there is always somone out there who will help me figure a way around it so I can complete the current lessons and move on.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the encouragement I receive to keep writing.
2. I am grateful for the support I receive when I stumble.
3. I am grateful for the understanding I receive when I bring up subjects which might be uncomfortable.
4. I am grateful for the community I live and write in.
5. I am grateful that my writing has a future and is taking me into the world I envision for myself.

Love and light.

March 7, 2013 Unconditional love

I sit here tonight with aching feet and a very satisfied smile on my face after two nights in a row of most excellent dancing.  The clicking of my keyboard is being counterbalanced by the purr of my cat, Dylan, who lays on the desk, supervising my efforts, knowing I will stop every few minutes to pet his silky fur.  The dancing exercises my body, releases endorphins and gives me really delightful human contact.  But when it comes to the one individual who makes me feel completely loved and appreciated, Dylan has that one, hands down.

When I come home from work, the entire household meets me at the door, but Dylan is the one who looks up at me with those big, golden eyes and tells me in his own way that I am his world.  He is the one who curls around my head at night and purrs me to sleep, and he's the one who snuggles with me when I'm sick or just feeling a  little blue (which happens pretty rarely these days!).  He has taught me the true meaning of unconditional love, and is teaching Toby to be just as loving and attentive.  Toby, however, is still somewhat self-centered and can't understand why it isn't always about him!

As humans, we lose sight of that unconditional kind of love; the love that doesn't judge or set expectations, but just loves and accepts someone just the way they are.  To be loved unconditionally is the greatest gift a person could receive, and to love unconditionally is a quality as close to perfect as we silly humans could ever possibly get.  I think that, in striving to connect our humanity with our spirituality, it's as simple and as complicated as learning to just love unconditionally.  What I mean is that the idea itself seems simple, but to actually put it into practice is another story entirely.

I've heard it said that we love our children unconditionally, but do we really?  It's not that we stop loving them if they fail to meet our expectations which causes me to question the issue.  It's that we place expectations on them in the first place.  One of the lessons I've been trying to embrace and master has been that of acceptance along with forgiveness.  I endeavor, first, to love my children and accept the choices they have made without judgement or expectation.  What makes it more difficult is that, as a parent, I want the very best for my children.  It is very difficult to truly accept the fact that what is best to me may not be so for them.  I raised them to be strong and independent, and part of that is the ability to make their own choices and learn from their own mistakes.  When they're five or ten years old, the parent typically knows what is best for the child, but when the child becomes an adult, we, as parents, need to do one of the hardest things we'll ever face and just let our children go out and make choices and learn.

I think the story that brought this home to me most strongly had to do with a man who saw a butterfly struggling to get out of its cocoon.  Thinking to help the butterfly, he got a pair of scissors and cut the cocoon open.  Sadly, the butterfly was never able to fly because it needed the process of pushing its way out of the cocoon to make it's wings able to carry it aloft.  Our children are the same way.  If we make the way simple for them all the time, they will never learn to put forth the effort to get something they really want, and will never rise to their full potential.

I know I made mistakes where my daughters were concerned.  I went into battle for them on several occasions, only to discover afterwards that they hadn't done their part to even deserve me fighting for them.  It took me awhile to learn that I just had to let them suffer their own consequences, fall on their own faces and lose out on things so that they could learn to work for what they wanted in life.  They were, essentially, seeing me live my own life one way while trying to simplify their lives, completely contrary to what I was teaching them by my actions.  And in my case, the actions on behalf of myself were far better examples than what I was trying to do for them!

The short version of tonight's babble is that loving someone unconditionally does not mean making their life easier for them in all ways, and taking away their responsibility for their own actions.  Instead, it means loving them, regardless of the choices they make and also in spite of them.  It means that, not only are your there for them to pick up the pieces, dust them off and send them back on their way, but you're also there to share the triumphs, the successes and the choices which yield the results they wanted.  And as an extra bonus, you're less likely to piss them off by interfering in their lives!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am incredibly grateful for my dancing and the friends I've made in the dance community.  They are truly amazing and diverse individuals.

2. I am grateful for unconditional love lessons as it helps me to learn, love and grow.
3. I am grateful for rainy nights because it makes the flowers grow and cleans the air, making everything smell fresh and new.
4. I am grateful for new opportunities to learn, grow and step outside my comfort zone.
5. I am grateful for opportunities to learn be more open and approachable.

Love and light.

March 6, 2013 Be VERY careful what you ask for.

I really need to learn to be more careful about what I ask for!!!  Last night, I indicated that I expected clarifying dreams and the Universe, in its constant search for more reasons to have a laugh at my expense, was happy to comply.  At first, the dreams were about weird marriage situations and Snow Queens who held off making it snow until she required an intervention.  But then came one which was so disturbing that it made me shut off the alarm instead of hitting snooze, causing me to oversleep while the dreams ran themselves out.  Although I don't know if the disturbing dream had any other purpose except to keep me in dreamland a little longer,  it was definitely upsetting.

I was driving down a street where people were performing some kind of ritual.  I was somewhat distracted by all of the activity and didn't see a woman crouch down right in front of my car.   By the time I saw her it was too late and I struck and killed her.  In the dream, the woman was quite revered in her community for all of the good works (though what they were wasn't clear) she did.  I remember feeling both dismayed and horrified at what I'd done while also realizing that there really was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

Now, cut over to the dream which I believe was clarifying.  I was once again driving, this time on a familiar stretch of freeway with a long, curving downhill section.  In the dream, I kept looking away from the road to rummage through things in my car.  I would look up minutes later to find that I had safely navigated the freeway I was on without looking at the road, despite curves in the road and other cars.  I'd promise myself that I would not allow myself to be distracted any more as the idea of driving without paying attention scared the crap out of me!  But no sooner was the thought in my brain than I'd find myself looking away from the road, taking my hands off the wheel and focusing on something else again.  This happened repeatedly and when I woke up, I realized that I was being reminded that if I let go and stopped trying to control everything, I would stay on track and be safe.    Clearly, the Universe is trying to tell me that, despite my assertions that I'm putting my intentions out there and then letting go, I am still trying to control things too much and as a result, am impeding my own progress.

The realization that the dream was clearly sending me a message didn't keep me from being extra careful on the drive to work, nor will I let down my guard for awhile, but it served to remind me that there is a fine line between when I should maintain control and when I should let go and trust in the Universe and my intentions to get me where I need to go without any interference on my part.


I finally dropped my laziness and went to the two step class tonight.  I can definitely thank my friend from the other night for giving me that added push I needed.  I worked on my turns, taking myself back to the basics.  I also talked to the instructor who watched my turns as he watched the rest of the class, then danced a song with me and said they looked fine to him.  Of course, I was concentrating on what I was doing tonight and I'm sure that made a lot of difference, as did having a good partner to dance with.  If nothing else, this was a wakeup call that my dancing is starting to get sloppy and that I need to pay more attention to what I'm doing before I lose everything I've learned about proper technique.  I did also find tonight that when I paid attention to techinque, I was able to follow the faster, more elaborate turns much more easily, so the reminder to pay attention, however it was delivered, was ultimately welcome.

And speaking of my "friend", he was there tonight, though he showed up after the lessons were over because he was there for college night.  It's funny how so many of the 40-60ish guys like to show up for college night.  They then pick the girls who can barely dance and try to play mentor.  But I guess as  long as both sides come away happy from the dancing, no real harm is done.  At any rate, he walked up while I was chatting with someone else and we spoke for a bit, but as I mentioned before, I am far too old for his tastes, and that suits me fine. :)  I've come too far to become part of someone else's agenda, and he clearly has one, though I am not clear as to what it is, but have no desire to expend the time or energy to find out.  I merely wish him well and wish for the girls he meets that they don't take him too seriously, but just enjoy the dancing and the witty repartee.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my strength and indpendence.
2. I am grateful that old skills have not died, but just got weak for lack of exercise.
3. I am grateful for a lovely night of dancing and visiting with friends.
4. I am grateful for a new dance (or at least new to the club) tomorrow night!
5. I am grateful for developing friendships and an expanding world.

Love and light.

March 5, 2013 Blessings

Sitting here tonight after staying up too late lounging in front of the tv, playing on the ipad and cuddling with the kitties, my first thought, blog-wise, is that I don't feel like I have much to impart tonight, but for the sake of consistency and my ultimate goal to actually write and publish a book or twelve, I sit and allow the creative juices to flow, or, for lack of creative juices, I'll settle for mindless babble. 

While getting my nails done tonight, the subject of blessings came up.  Without meaning to, I might have unwittingly minimized the gratitude my manicurist expressed for the blessings which had her going to work at this particular salon at just the right time to enable her to build a healthy clientele.  I told her, in all honesty, that she is the sort of person who is conscientious and pleasant and a few other complimentary and true things, to make a go of what she does.  But I have to admit, she is also correct in being grateful for the blessings which are part of who she is, and which led her to be in the right place at the right time with the right skill set.  I should know better than to minimize either the blessings or the gratitude.  That is not to say that she doesn't have all of the wonderful attributes I mentioned and many more that I didn't but being grateful for those blessings attracts more, so who am I to put a stick in the wheel of her gratitude?  I am grateful for the example she sets but also for this new opportunity to learn a lesson, or really, to get better at walking the walk. 

One of the paths I had vague hopes might open up is not showing signs of doing so, but frankly, I'm not so sure that it would have really been a beneficial path for me as it would really have been just more of the same but in different digs.  That sounds a lot like a rut to me, and I certainly enjoy moving forward far too much to let myself dig a hole and crawl into it!  I am grateful that, although I put the thought out to the Universe, I left the how, when and why wide open, knowing that whatever They came up with would far exceed my hopes, dreams and expectations.  I often refer back to the quote "when one door closes..." but in this case, the door was a wall and wasn't meant to open.  In fact, I was meant to keep moving forward because the doorway is still up ahead.  As I had posited, the strange dream I had the other night is dropping more hints as the days go by.  In the dream, there were walls where doors should be.  I believe, now, that the dream was telling me that I need to go further before I find those doors through which I will pass, but in the meantime, I can make the most of where I am to learn and continue growing.  The cabinets are storage to continue amassing knowledge.  The cooperative efforts are just that.  The terra cotta pots I got which were different than anyone else's are the different path I am and will be walking in the near future.  The number five may or may not prove significant and the fact that one of the pots changed into a kitten tells me that I'll need to be flexible as things may not be as they seem, or may not turn out exactly as planned, but will definitely be something I'll like even better. 

The cluttered office and my refusal to accept anyone else's stuff seems to indicate that I will be walking a path which won't allow space for anyone else's load or baggage, at least for the time being.  I believe that I still have my own clutter to either clear or organize and cannot be distracted by other people's activities insofar as they are unrelated to where I'm going and what I need to do.  Of course, this leaves me a lot of latitude to include people and their "stuff" when it does relate to what I'm doing and where I'm going! 

I trust that this increasing clarity will continue to show itself to me in bits and pieces for awhile.  That dream just felt significant to me.  I also expect to see some clarifications in other dreams which are yet to come.  Just as long as they don't play the Ghost of Christmas past, present and future with me!  That would be just a bit too freaky for my taste!  But I think I manage to recognize the messages I get, at least as messages if not their full meaning, without being whacked over the head or dragged back through all of the apparent wrong turns and missteps I've taken on the path to where I am now, and to where I am meant to be. 

A friend put up a post today asking for help in writing down her strengths and accomplishments.  If I had been standing in front of her when she asked the question, I know my jaw would have hit the floor as this is one of the most accomplished, most giving people I am privileged to know!  It also made me think about what I would write were I given the same task, and I have to admit, I'd be hard-pressed to come up with more than a couple of things.  Whereas, in her case, it's mostly her humility, in mine, there just isn't that much that I'd consider accomplishments or, what I read that to be as things I've given to the world. 

Sure, I went to school at night to finish my degree, but how many others have done just that and more?  Yes, I raised my daughters by myself for the most part, but had a lot of help along the way, but again, many people have done the same.  So, I, too, would be hard pressed to answer the question.  Or maybe the real point is that I still have time to make a positive impact on the world and on other peoples' lives so I need to start. 

My list of things to meditate on is definitely growing these days.  I have "I am Source",. loving, kindness, forgiveness, acceptance, gratitude and a clear vision of my path.  I know there are more, but this, alone, is quite a bit to fit into the hour meditation I do nearly every day.  I suppose I'll have to break it up into smaller, more manageable chunks. 

Once again, for someone who had nothing to say, I managed to fill a page or two, but the hour is late and my eyes are beginning to burn while my body yearns for the comfort of my bed (and the cats are getting restless).

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for insight.
2. I am grateful for things which make me think.
3. I am grateful for lessons, both large and small.
4. I am grateful for my teachers who come in many shapes and sizes and often appear in unexpected places.
5. I am grateful for a warm, comfortable, kitty filled bed in which to rest, sleep and rejuvenate.

Love and light.

March 4, 2013 Recognizing the little things

Tonight as I was doing my usual Monday night routine, cleaning out sandboxes, sweeping and mopping the bathrooms and emptying all trash receptacles in preparation for Tuesday's pickup, I suddenly realized that rather than it taking its toll on me and making me very tired, I was, instead, energized!  It doesn't seem like it was so very long ago that hauling both sandboxes to the garage to be emptied, scrubbed and refilled, gathering the trash from the rest of the house and putting it in the cans and hauling the cans to the curb would have taken the last of my energy.  Instead, I finished the trash, made my breakfast for tomorrow, cleaned up the kitchen and am still wired enough to write for awhile!  I am thinking I like this particular change.  In fact, I like it a lot!!! 

Now granted, I left work early to see my chiropractor because, as I found out when he checked me out, I had once again managed to misalign a rib which was causing charming little spasms and some pain up and down the right side of my back.  Now that I've been put back into place, I'm feeling much peppier and less inclined to just sit around doing little or nothing (and I do NOT consider my writing little or nothing, despite the fact that it does involve sitting.). 

I've found, though, that the more energy I have, and the more I keep moving around the house, or worse, leaving it entirely, the more my cats sing their tales of woe and neglect.  But it has had its positive results.  Toby is not as inclined to claw the bed in the wee hours of the morning.  Instead, he climbs on the bed and demands attention  The other morning, he demanded entrance to the underside of my comforter where he spread his well proportioned form across my stomach and chest and placed his large, fluffy head in my hand as a not-so-subtle hint that my services were required.  But he is certainly not the only one of my brood who requires additional attention lately.   I've been hearing from other pet owning friends that their animals seem especially needy lately too.  It makes me wonder if it has something to do with the changes I've been feeling.  Cats and even dogs are far more sensitive to changes in vibration and energy that we silly humans are.  I think that we probably have the ability to be more sensitive but are taught from an early age to use our brains and not rely on something as unreliable as feelings!  (if you ask me, that is a load of poppycock, but I didn't make the rules, nor, frankly, do I have to abide by the ones I feel are completely unnatural!)

Said visit to the chiropractor deprived me of my afternoon meditation, at least in the traditional sense, but I find myself lately just tuning into the earth's rhythm while just going about my day.  I do find, however, that it is much easier to do when I'm dancing, and believe it or not, when I'm driving.  Both activities have a certain ease and flow to them, as do cooking and cleaning.  You can find music in almost anything we do, and where there is music, there has to be some kind of rhythm.

As I drive to work, the engine hums and the wheels make their connection with the road, turning around which makes the car move through space.  If I listen carefully, I can hear the wheels as they connect with the road making a song of their own.  Although the radio is an obvious source of music and rhythm, I find that I often prefer to turn it down very low so I can't even tell what most songs are, but can still hear just a faint hum.  If I crack my window a bit to let some air in, the music I hear gets louder because the wind rushing past the open window and the amplified sounds of other cars joins the chorus.   I may also hear another car's engine and wheel noises, someone else's radio blaring or the hum of a distant plane or helicopter.  The familiar road I travel becomes a veritable symphony of sounds as I follow a path I know so well that I don't have to think about where I'm going any more and can concentrate on what is around me, both visually and audibly. 

I've made some decisions lately which will ultimately involve changes in my life but found that at times, it felt like I was forcing things.  I realized that I was still focusing on lack instead of on having, so I'm working to alter my focus to appreciate all of the things I have, painting pictures in my mind and concentrating on how all of that having makes me feel.  When I went dancing Saturday night, I was focusing on that blissful feeling and had an absolutely marvelous time.  Apparently, even when I lessen my focus, I still see results.  Today went by very quickly, and although I didn't get as much done as I would have liked, I have the rest of the week to complete some of those tasks, and can do so without the pressure I often have to get it done quickly.  As a result, I'm reviewing things more carefully and ensuring that everything checks out.  The beginning of a new year creates its own challenges in this regard, but we've changed how we are doing some of those things this year so I appreciate the extra time to go over everything more carefully to ensure accuracy and that I'm providing the information needed without a lot of extra fluff. 

What I'm trying to say, before going off on all of the tangents, is that my focus this week, in addition to reminding myself that I am Source, is on peace and bliss.  These are the most prevalent feelings as I make my life exactly what I want, at least for now.  Peace, because I am allowing everything to flow easily and smoothly without trying to paddle upstream or change the current entirely.  Bliss, because everything I do brings great joy into my heart and makes me want to share it with everyone I see.  I've even tried smiling at everyone I encounter with mixed success.  A lot of people won't look at you when you pass on the street or in a store, but I smile anyway, if only to light up a single person's day.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for renewed energy.
2. I am grateful that my rib is back where it belongs and the pain has subsided.
3. I am grateful for massive waves of bliss.
4. I am grateful for vast quantities of peace.
5. I am grateful for abundant opportunities, health, love and prosperity.

Love and light.

March 3, 2013 Posing questions.

Today I posed a question to my dance friends pertaining to a man who asked me to dance for the first time in awhile, then told me that my turn technique made it hard for him to dance with me because he has a bad knee.  I did not, when I posed the question, post my initial reactions to it for good reason, and I also made it sound as innocuous as I could.  I wanted to get reactions which were not colored by knowing the person in question because, from my perspective, he tends to be a player who leans towards pretty, younger women, so not asking me to dance is really no surprise, nor do I take it personally.  In fact, I was rather surprised that he asked in the first place.  But I was amazed at the perspective I received from other dancers, and frankly, will be more inclined to take the constructive criticism to heart, despite my perception of the deliverer.  The conversation, as best as I can remember it went something like this:

He:  Can I be blunt?
Me:  Aren't you always?
He:  Not always.  But I am obnoxious.
Me:  Me too.
He;  It's a defense mechanism because I don't want people to like me.
Me:  Oh, ok.  (laughing)
He:  I don't ask you to dance very often because when you turn, you tend to end up farther away and when I reach out to catch you, it hurts my knee.  (he has a bad knee with pins in it, which I knew).
Me:  I didn't realize I was doing that.  Thanks.

The reason I bring this up is that it is a good example of how we listen.  If our perception of someone is that we like and respect them, we will be more likely to listen and take what they say to heart, even if it is completely unfounded.  Whereas, if the speaker is someone we don't really care for and who we think is a boor, no matter how valid their comments, we're more likely to dismiss them as one of those "consider the source" type of things.

Years ago, I took a first line supervisor's course and one of the sessions talked about active listening.  This topic comes back to me rather frequently, and I really try to take it to heart.  But this incident leads me to want to expand on the topic and include making an extra effort to listen actively when the speaker is not someone we like and/or respect.  I think that it is especially important to give these people our full attention at times because our pre-conceived notions are likely to cheat us out of information which might prove useful to us down the road sometime.  I know for a fact that I am guilty of giving people lip service if I tend to disagree with them on a regular basis.

And as I type this, I see that it really does relate to that crazy dream I had.  Specifically, the section when I was surprised to be working cooperatively with a certain individual.  I know that I tend to dismiss him out of hand a great deal of the time, yet I admit that he has some skills that I don't.  He's far more diplomatic thanI am and really can be a good facilitator.  He doesn't get into the nuts and bolts of things, nor does he seem to understand, (or at least I don't see it) how much time and effort goes into certain tasks, but when it comes to bringing everyone to the table to work out a solution, he does a pretty good job of it.

So from two people who tend to rub me the wrong way, I've learned something about myself this weekend.  I need to put my feelings about people aside, and just give them the opportunity to teach me something.  I will always admit that I don't have all of the answers.  But I won't always admit that certain people might.   I need to work on not tuning those people out without giving them a fair listen first.  They still might not actually have the answer, but they might point me in a direction I wouldn't have gone by myself where I will find a solution that is far better than the one I came up with on my own.

So my task this week is to corral the cats and practice turn technique down my hall which is narrow enough to give me pause, not to mention, bruises,  if I drift to one side or the other.  This will take awhile as I need to get it right first, then get it consistent where I adhere to it without having to think about it, as is usual on a social floor.  I'm even considering taking a few privates to work on it, but at this point, I don't even know who I'd go to for lessons.  But as with everything else, if I put it out to the Universe, the solution will find me!

Now that I've reconciled one piece of that dream, it occurs to me that this is how it will resolve itself to me.  I will get a piece now, another piece in a day or two, and so on until the whole thing makes sense.  The basic purpose of the dream seems to have been to open my eyes to possibilities and to broaden my awareness of what is going on around me.  This is certainly not a bad thing!

Tomorrow is another work day so I won't be able to laze in bed for an extra hour or two, having a cuddle-fest with my cats.  I know Toby, Dylan and Munchkin will be disappointed as they've really enjoyed the last couple of mornings, snuggling and purring their furry little hearts out.  Dylan was particularly happy when I lay down on the floor to do my knee exercises as he curled up around my head like he does when I sleep, and alternately purred and washed my face!  I have considered getting up earlier so I can just spend more time cuddling them and getting my exercises in, but when that alarm goes off, all I want to do is hit snooze a dozen times!  I guess being a morning person simply isn't in my genes!

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for weekends when I can have an extra hour or two to snuggle with my cats.
2. I am grateful for friends who help me see different perspectives.
3. I am grateful for dreams which show me things I need to work on in my drive to become a better person.
4. I am grateful for an abundance of opportunities, health, love, friendship and prosperity.
5. I am grateful for a busy week ahead to keep me focused and accomplished.

Love and light

March 2, 2013 Last night I had the strangest dream...

I woke up today from yet another dream that made me go "hmmmmn".  Bear with me because, as usual, it was rather scattered.

I was at work and one by one, everyone in the office began to add a five foot tall terra cotta vase to their office.  The last to acquire one was our IT guy who added a small plant in the top which dangled tendrils down the sides of the vase.  When I finally figured out that the vases were in the warehouse, the only thing left was five smaller vases in varying sizes.  Let me add that, although I thought the tall vases were amazing, I didn't actually want one for myself because I really didn't have room.  Although my office was at least twice the size it is now, it was filled with all manner of counters, shelves and books and was actually pretty cluttered.

I asked one of my co-workers where the vases were coming from and how it was determined who got them, and she said they came from our boss, but she'd have to check the "moon list" to see who got what.  When I told her that the only thing left was the small vases, she checked the list and told me that they were all for me.  I picked up three of them and took them to my office.  When I returned for the last two, I discovered that there was actually only one more vase and a  fluffy orange kitten.  I picked him up and he snuggled right in so I walked around the office to show him to everyone.  But as I walked around, nobody was in the same place they were on Friday, there were offices where there hadn't been and walls where there had been offices.  I set the kitten down for a minute and he disappeared amongst dozens of other cats and kittens playing in a hallway which seemed to be nothing but cupboards along both walls.

Meanwhile, in the front part of our office where our CSR's sit, some women had set up some kind of bazaar!  One woman had a baby with her who began to shriek.  As I was trying to work on a project with someone, it was especially irritating so I walked out and told her that the shrieking baby was unacceptable.  She and her partner took offense even while I explained that crying was one thing but if the child was going to shriek, she needed to take it home.  Although they were not happy, they began packing up to leave, but brought some things into my office without asking, set them down and pretty much told me they needed to leave them there until they came back.  I told them that was not possible as my office was already very crowded.  An argument ensued in which I told them that anything they left would end up in the trash, but they refused to remove it.  One of the women left but the other watched as I began stuffing their wares into a trash can.  She didn't seem overly concerned.  In fact, I got the feeling that the items didn't belong to her so she was more amused at their fate than concerned.

As the dream wound down, I found myself struggling to get my computer monitor to stand upright.  It apparently had a kind of picture frame-like stand on the back but I had a wooden stand it was supposed to fit into, but which required the monitor's built in stand to be folded in.  I'd get it set up but put the monitor in backwards, then I'd get the wooden stand set up and it would collapse.  I'd set it up again and something else would go wrong.  I'm sure it was rather amusing to anyone who might have been watching!  I finally got it set up and, for some reason, logged into my personal email account where I found an email from our proposal writer.  She talked a bit about how slow things had gotten and how she might have to update her resume if things got any worse.  Contained in the email was what was supposed to be a proposal for my review, but turned out to be a movie which I was watching when the dream ended.

All through the dream, my vision kept clouding up as if I had a lot of goop in my eyes.  I'd rub it away and things would get clearer for a little while, then goop up again  I also experienced what seems to be a recurring theme in dreams of mine.  I'd find that I couldn't open my eyes.  I'd actually have to physically pry my eyelids open, and even then, they wouldn't always stay open.  This seems to occur when I'm right on the verge of waking up but my dreaming mind isn't ready to let me go yet.  Also, the coworker who had the moon list had her face bandaged like the old-fashioned bandaging for a toothache and her face was extremely swollen.  It was not clear why this was the case or if it had been an accident or some kind of allergic reaction.  It kept getting worse until it was almost painful to look at her as I imagined how she must be feeling.

There was also a point when I was working very cooperatively with someone I typically butt heads with.  I do remember feeling pleasant surprise that our interchange was going so well.

I'm going to walk away and let this percolate, then come back, re-read this and see if I can find the message in it.  (There's always a message when  a dream sticks in my brain like this,  It's just up to me to figure it out!)

After doing paperwork and a couple of other non-physical activities today, including my first Tarot reading in ages, I am no closer to figuring this dream out so I'll just post it and leave room for a completely different topic after dancing tonight.  Any suggestions as to the possible message in this dream will be greatly appreciated!

Love and light.

March 1, 2013 Traditions, old and new

Today, my daughter and I, accompanied by her hubby, reinstated a tradition from her childhood.  We picked a place reasonably close by (and reasonably means within about 2 miles) for dinner and walked.  The beauty of walking to dinner and back is that, not only do you get some exercise, but you have a chance to actually talk to your companions about anything and everything, share jokes, make new ones and generally, unwind from the week.  By the time you get to the restaurant, everyone is pretty relaxed and loose so you can have an equally relaxing dinner when everyone is paying attention to each other instead of withdrawing into their own minds or cell phones!  It also serves to help put a crazy, frustrating, challenging work week back into perspective. 

Although we didn't take my grandpuppy, Gwennie, this time, we scouted out a couple of places which are puppy friendly so she can join us at least some of the time.  She has shown that she especially enjoys grandma time and I'm happy to accommodate her.  (had to type that word three times before spell check determined that I'd spelled it correctly!) 

On the way home, as we continued to laugh and create still more inside jokes, we started hearing a lot of honking.  We looked around, but there didn't seem to be any particular reason for the cacophony, other than drivers feeling the need to announce their presence.  One particularly discordant fellow was driving a jacked up pickup with a diesel horn.  We determined that the poor fellow, along with having serious self-esteem issues, had apparently never seen anyone walking down the street before.  He became quite agitated, repeatedly honking his horn and finally pulling into an El Torito, in the vague hope of assuaging his feelings of impaired self-worth with ample quantities of cerveza and tequila.  I can only hope that he finds the answers he needs so that seeing someone walking down the street in the future will not drive him to wallow in self-pity and engage in frustrated efforts to get himself  noticed by remarkably oblivious strangers.  My apologies to the horny honker but really, we were too busy amusing ourselves and each other with more intelligent examples of silliness.  ( I did warn my son-in-law that entering into a battle of puns with me would hurt him more than it would me!  He showed remarkable foresight and self-restraint by taking my advice.) 

My post dinner coughing spasm was abruptly interrupted when a couple passed by our table with, hands down, the homeliest baby I had ever seen.  Honestly, the phrase that popped into my head is normally used in connection with puppies, but he really was so ugly he was cute!  His parents were not particularly remarkable in either direction so it could just be something he'll outgrow, but I was admittedly rude as I stopped, mid cough, and just stared.  I must have been extremely obvious about it because a man walking behind them asked if I was ok.  I can only imagine the look on my face!  The child was obviously cherished as his father carried him carefully in his arms and when we passed their table, their attention was focused on seeing to his needs before their own.  Who knows?  If he doesn't have swarms of teenage girls chasing him through his formative years, he could end up the next Einstein or Asimov or even a completely unique creative or intellectual talent!  We are certainly given gifts which may appear to be otherwise, but can be blessings in disguise.  Just think, if I hadn't been such a klutz when I was young (so I never outgrew it! I am proud of my klutziness.  It makes me uniquely myself!), my mother might not have given me dance lessons to try to make me graceful.  It might have taken me years to discover that it was one of my passions!  This child may be meeskite on the outside, but inside, he could well be a savant. 

Meditations continue to focus on "I am Source" and may be followed by a generally wandering mind or specific visualizations, but nothing spectacular to report today.  Maybe I'm just winding down from my aha moment yesterday.  Or my mind was too busy looking ahead to the cleaning I plan to do this weekend!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the rebirth of old traditions.
2. I am grateful for a healthy, fit body which thinks nothing of taking a mile or two walk.
3. I am grateful for mild evenings.
4. I am grateful for an abundance of kitty love.
5. I am grateful for those who seek to minimize the euthanazation of animals whose only crime was to be born.

Love and light.

February 28, 2013 This stuff really works!

Today I began my meditation as I have for the past few days with the thought "I am Source".  What followed was nothing short of an epiphany!

Into my mind came the thought of a person with whom I have come to simply shut down because of his propensity towards talking over everyone and either refusing to listen or categorically proclaiming their contributions to be unnecessary,  unwanted or flat out irrelevant.  As I sat pondering this person's actions, my reactions and the fact that we are both Source, I realized that what I have been pondering is quite true.  What bothers me in him is a flaw in me!  I, too have been guilty of tuning people out, talking over them and essentially negating the value of what they have to say.  As this thought passed through my mind, a tremendously bright white light filled my mental vision.  Aha!  it said.  Thou hast hit on it!  And at that very moment, I promised myself that I would strive to listen more and speak less, giving everyone's thoughts and ideas the attention and value they deserve.  There is so much I stand to learn by giving the perceptions of others a chance to be heard.  But not just heard, listened to!

I know that this should be a completely obvious concept to comprehend and on a conscious level, it is.  However, understanding and practicing are often leagues apart!  But the first step to finding a resolution is to recognize that a problem exists.  Thus, I have recognized that my listening skills could bear significant improvement.  The beauty of improving this skill is that not only does it benefit me by making me open my mind to divergent ideas, but it allows me to give something to others by showing them that their insights are valued, at least by me.  It is also possible that by showing them that I value their insights, I might give someone else a chance to improve their listening skills and maybe even learn something new from someone they had, in the past, discounted.  I see this as a Win-Win-Win situation!

This is not to say that I have completely ceased thinking or speaking of certain individuals in uncomplimentary terms, but it is making me more aware of it, and causing me to think before those comments pass my lips.  My ultimate goal is to stop them from occurring in the first place, but I know that will take time to change the habits and establish the new, better ones.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, or, in my case, the dance hall, the laws of attraction continue to yank my chain.  Tonight, while talking to a couple of friends, they mentioned a song they liked to do a couples' dance called Desperado Wrap to.  When asked if I recognized it, I told them that I rarely get to do that dance, so I don't pay attention to the songs they play.  Well, what do you think happened?  Of course, you know that for the first time in months, I was asked to dance that particular couples' dance!  Yes, folks, the "I don't wants" and the "I don't get to's" work just as well as the "I'm grateful that I am's"!  Not that I want to run my life that way, but be very careful what you wish for!!!  In this case, it worked out wonderfully, but it was a very loud reminder to be very careful what I put out to the Universe as I know from experience that it has a wicked sense of humor!

All in all, it was a delightful evening with many of my friends in attendance, and a couple of birthdays to celebrate, including my friend, Peggy who is a leap year baby.  We had a delightful time teasing her and plying her with chocolate and Cosmos.  I hope her head feels ok in the morning!!  She's fun in general, but with a bit of a buzz, she's even more of a hoot than usual!   I stayed until 10, although when Jeff DJ's, I almost have to because he plays 4-5 two steps, not one, but two (and sometimes three!) couples dances, a WCS and maybe a waltz for good measure between the sets of four or five line dances.  As the lack of men has been extremely pronounced lately, that means that we single girls either fight over the scant few guys there are or sit around for 45 minutes of every hour waiting for the meager line dance set.  Thankfully, he played quite a few high energy dances, and since I got there at 6, I got a few dances in before the lessons and the DJ'ing got underway.  I really want Josh back!  He's the very best DJ they have and understands not only that he needs to spread the night out as evenly as possible between couples dancing and line dancing, but also that the weird song choices and mind numbingly boring line dances should, for the most part, be saved for the after 10 crowd.  He clearly relates better to the younger crowd, and that's fine, but the older crowd needs love too!  The good news is, since he DJ'd tonight, we have a decent chance of getting Josh for Saturday night!  I'm crossing fingers, toes and any other body parts I can cross in hopes that my very favorite DJ will be on board for Saturday night! 

Granted, I stayed until my feet were complaining too loudly to dance any more, but am I ever really satisfied?  Do I ever really get all the dancing I want in?  I have worn through the gel soles I have in my boots, though, and need to replace them before Saturday night!  Those suckers are flatter than a pancake after being pressed by a steam roller!  No wonder my feet started whining, the wimps!  I also had to bite my tongue and throw some imaginary heart shaped confetti after asking an older woman if she could move into the large empty space next to her so that the two people on the other side of me would have a bit more room to dance. Her response was "this is MY spot and this is where I dance so I am NOT moving!"  I was dumbfounded!  As if a spot a few feet to the left of where she was standing would make any difference whatsoever!  But this was definitely a warning to remind me to be more sharing on the dance floor and to be willing to give a little even when the kids take to the floor and start getting wild and ignore the fact that there are other people on the dance floor.  Please, Universe, keep me positive so I am the happy, fun older lady instead of the cranky one.  I deserve better and so do the people around me!!!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful (once again) for imaginary heart shaped confetti.
2. I am grateful for wonderful, fun, loving friends.
3. I am grateful for new people joining our happy circle all the time.
4. I am grateful for dancing until my feet cry for mercy.
5. I am grateful for weekends to pursue projects and even find some down time.

Love and light.

February 27, 2013. Laws of attraction in action

This morning I was having a conversation with someone who chose to take a negative viewpoint.   Their response to my attempt to turn their negativity was less than enthusiastic. When the conversation ended, I spent a few minutes putting myself back into a positive frame of mind and sending positive energy and imaginary heart shaped confetti to them.  Upon further thought, I realized that I can only be responsible for keeping my own attitude positive. Only by being positive, complimentary and uncomplaining can I hope to bring positive change to the world around me.

For a few moments, I lost sight of the fact that everyone has the right to choose their own path and that the very best thing I can do for those I care for is to accept their right to make those choices and to send them all of the love and light I can.  Their paths will not be made easier or more pleasant for my intervention.  No, let me call a spade a spade. My meddling won't change their choices or make their path smoother. Only my love and acceptance can do that.

I'm grateful that I had the opportunity today, to solidify one of the many lessons I'm learning as I wander along my path in fits and starts at times, and at a sprint, others.   I am learning that a large part of my learning and growth are the experiences which serve to remind me of the lessons I am learning and to show me where I need to continue to practice some of those lessons until they become second nature.  I also need to keep reminding myself not only that I am Source, but so is everyone else, and as we are all connected as one being, all of our qualities, good, bad and indifferent, are part of all of us.  When I see something in someone else that makes me unhappy or uncomfortable, it means I need to look within and fix that which, in myself, is making me uncomfortable or unhappy.  As we are all the Source, we all reflect off of each other.  We all offer lessons to each other to be mastered.  And we all can love each other because in so doing, we are loving ourselves. 

I will awaken tomorrow morning feeling absolutely marvelous because I have an amazing day ahead of me.  I am one with the Universe and the Universe is perfect, so I am perfect as is anyone I meet.  With all of this beauty, perfection and love, the day cannot possibly be anything less than amazing!

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful that the Universe sees fit to remind me of my lessons.
2. I am grateful to be this wonderful Source and to share my Source-ness with everyone and everything.
3. I am grateful for an abundance of health, success, opportunities, lessons and love.
4. I am grateful for the lessons I will practice tomorrow.
5. I am grateful for the ease and flow of life around me and within me.

Love and light.

February 26, 2013 From adversity to positivity.

Arriving at work today after staying home yesterday as a result of trying to give myself a black eye, I blithely put my key into the lock only to find that it didn't work!  I looked at the key in my hand to assure myself that I was using the right one (not that I'd EVER try to open the front door of my house with my office key or vice versa!) then tried one more time, to no avail.  Using my second option, I rang the bell on the warehouse door and immediately gained entrance.  Fortunately it was timing and not something personal.  It seems that we fired our cleaning service only to discover that they have a history of refusing to accept being fired, and filing small claims suits claiming termination without proper notice.  As they had not returned our key, the locks had to be changed.  So really, it wasn't me! :)

Aside from the false start, I did manage to get a great deal accomplished today, and came home to eat a quick dinner and get laundry going.  As unmotivated as I was yesterday, spending most of the day either sleeping or fighting off a killer headache, today was quite the opposite.  I organized, researched, planned and solved all day long!  Now I feel energized and filled with a feeling of positivity which will build many bridges and reap many rewards.  Messages I've sent out to the Universe are coming back to me with amazing results.  A film I watched the other day led me to meditate on the concept "I am Source".  I signed up for a small online course today, and in the first lesson, it stated that I should realize that I am Source.  How's that for confirmation?  I feel the wheels of synchronicity spinning wildly, waiting for the next opportunity to show me that my path is wide open and obstacle free.  That is not to say that I won't still face challenges because those challenges are my lessons and without lessons, why bother to tread a path at all?  But the giant boulders, the snowdrifts, the slow moving trucks will be noticeably and permanently absent from now on.  I will have clear direction letting me know if I'm going the right way or not.  I will remember that since I am Source, all who I encounter are part of me and I, them.  If something in another person annoys me, I will look within to find it in myself and to understand why and what is bothering me so I can fix it. 

I will take responsibility for whatever is happening in my life and not seek to blame someone or even give them credit for the hitch in my gitalong.  I will appreciate every little thing, and continue looking for more things to appreciate, even if I don't see the results in this time and place, I will see the results I want as if they have already happened and I am enjoying the joys and benefits those results engendered.  In short, whatever I want or need is in the here and now, and I am filled with Joy that this is so. 

I am sitting here in my beautifully remodeled and decorated home watching my cats playing in their custom designed playground.  My recent book is on the bestseller list and I have three more in progress.  I am a perfect size 8 and have a closet full of gorgeous clothes which satisfy my need for simplicity, comfort and understated elegance.  I enjoy having small, intimate gatherings with my talented, intelligent, amazing friends and have built a studio where I can either exercise or practice my dancing.  I have a private coach who is teaching me how to move fluidly and with grace (even though that grace is still noticeably absent when I do something ans mundane as walking across a room).  I spend a couple of days a week working on various causes which are near and dear to my heart.  I alternate between sitting in my well-appointed, well-lit office to write, or sitting on my patio with my laptop, enjoying the fresh air and the quiet of the neighborhood while everyone is at work or school. 

And I am filled with Joy.  I continue to add to my list of accomplishments so that I will never fade into ennui.  There's always another story to tell or adventure to take or cause to support.  My children and grandchildren are happy and healthy and pursuing their own dreams, but we share each others' lives often and well.

Such is the focus of my meditations these days.  It begins with "I am Source" and follows a pattern of abundance, kindness and thoughts of well-being for all.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for continued affirmations that I am on the right path.
2. I am grateful for an abundance of positive energy to ensure abundance in all aspects of my life.
3. I am grateful for my wonderful life.
4. I am grateful for unconditional love.
5. I am grateful for hopes and dreams.

Love and light

February 24, 2013 #2 Just another lazy day in Paradise.

I guess posting early in the day knocked the stuffing out of me (or maybe it was hefting the 40 pound boxes of cat sand!) but little more got done aside from errands today.  I did have a very nice, albeit short, guided meditation which was recommended by a friend.  I did need to augment it with a few more minutes of unguided meditating (unless you count the cats laying on my chest and behind my head, purring) as I'm used to longer meditations and the shortness of this one left me feeling unfinished. 

I also watched a marvelous film that was recommended by a friend called "Three Magic Words".  I'm going to be mulling over it for awhile, though because there was a lot in it to ponder.  Although the film refers to "God" a lot, I was happy to see that at least one person interviewed was, like me, uncomfortable with the word and chose to use something else.  I tend to use "Source" and "Universe" somewhat interchangeably so I've added "I am Source" to my thoughts and will endeavor to mold myself into a more divine being beginning with my interactions with others.  It won't be easy and it won't be quick, but what it will be is worth the effort.  I also have a very difficult time respecting spiders, but maybe that will come as I move further down the continuum I refer to as my path.  In the meantime, as long as they don't cross my path, we won't have any issues (and they will remain unsquished). 

Although my cats love to snuggle and be close, and some more than others, I've found that certain activities are more likely to attract them than others.  At the very top of the list is anything spiritual.  If I bring out the Tarot cards, it's all I can do to keep them from lying on top of the cards.  If I sit down to meditate, I have at least two or three in my lap and snuggled up beside me.  I've noticed this for a long time, but as I spend more time meditating, it has really become impossible to ignore.  They seem to know the difference between sitting down to read or watch tv and sitting down to meditate, and they know it before I even get settled!  The only thing I can figure is that I send out a different sort of energy and cats are known to pick up on subtle energy changes.  Today, no sooner did I sit down than Toby was in my lap, settling himself between my chin and my knees, gazing lovingly into my face and purring as if his life depended on it.  Munchkin snuggled up beside me and Dylan lay on the back of the sofa.  When the guided portion ended and I switched on the ambient music station on Pandora, Toby jumped down, Munchkin curled up in my lap and Dylan started purring as loud as he could.  They are clearly active participants in my spiritual exercises and awakening.

During the guided meditation, the instructor suggested that we try to connect with the other callers via our heart chakra.  As I strove to comply, I first saw a network of connecting lines stretching across the country, almost like the picture shown in some of the cell phone commercials, except the the lines pulsed with energy.  Then I began seeing a double helix stretching far into the sky made up of individual dots in a rainbow of colors.  Following yesterday's massage, my heart chakra appeared to me as a softball sized white crystal which is not a normal color for a heart chakra, but I don't tend to follow the rules anywhere else, so why should this be any different?  Once again, I saw the large, white crystal above my heart chakra.  I also visualized a few faces passing by my field of vision.  One was definitely a female but the rest passed by too quickly to tell.  At some points, my hearing was heightened and at others, I was completely in another place.

I did stand up and take notice while she spoke before the meditation because she talked about energies speeding up.  This was just one more affirmation to what I've been feeling for the last few months, but especially the last few days.  It is clear to me now that I am definitely plugged directly into whatever changes are ramping up right now, so I must have some sort of responsibility connected with whatever will soon be required.  I only hope that I figure out where I need to be and what I need to do in time to get myself in place and ready to roll.  I am grateful that the tools I'm going to need seem to be appearing in my hands almost daily now, even if they're not coming with instruction manuals.  I still have at least a little time to figure out how they work before I'm called upon to use them.  I expect that my meditations and my dreams will be yielding a great deal more information now. 

And with that, I'm retiring hours earlier than normal.  I don't know why, but will just go with the flow.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that the Universe is providing me with the tools I need to complete my mission.
2. I am grateful for a growing number of friends who understand what I'm trying to say even when it doesn't seem to be coming out clearly.
3. I am grateful for confirmations and explanations which are suddenly appearing with greater regularity.
4. I am grateful for they way my cats are connecting with the changing energy along with me.
5. I am grateful for quiet, somewhat lazy days to work on making myself better, stronger and wiser.

Love and light.