August 29, 2012 Beginning again

I'm sitting here trying to get my thoughts together and all I can think of is "Wow!  The last 8 months have gone by so fast, it's made my head spin!"  But the wedding is behind us now, the kids have settled into their new life together (or officially, legally together anyway) and all is quiet on the home front.  Quieter than I'd like, if the truth be told, as I aggravated what was probably already an existing knee injury and am now scheduled for surgery in early October.  That means I can't dance as much as I'd like to for fear of making it worse, but it does NOT mean that I've refrained from dancing at all.  I'm just limiting myself to my two main nights, picking and choosing the dances and dance partners carefully so as not to make things worse.  I'm also spending a lot more time in front of the TV with my leg up, which delights my furry children almost to delirium.  Toby is almost completely knot-free as he grudgingly submits to short bouts with the de-shedding rake while snuggled in my lap.  Loki is more beautiful than she's ever been, but I just man handle her until I'm happy with the condition of her coat.  The rest do a good job of taking care of themselves, but have lower maintenance coats which simplifies their efforts.

At any rate, wedding mania behind me means that I no longer have any excuse to at the very least, make regular entries in this blog, and, all other craziness willing, to actually get back to my book.  In the hiatus, I've had a lot of time to think about what I really want to put into it, as it was starting to become just another whiny diatribe towards people and things over which I have no control.   But in the meantime, I've become a great deal more compassionate towards my mother and the life I'm learning she must have led. 

I'm also becoming increasingly aware that she was only 2 years older than I am when she took her life.  And with that awareness comes a boatload of gratitude that I found out how to find my bliss, my joy, my very center of being and my purpose well before I had a chance to take the downhill path she did.  While she followed her depression and didn't or couldn't let go of it, I think I've learned from both hers and mine and realized that in the grand Universal choice, I choose Happy!  I love being able to let go of my responsible self and just be joyful.  I love my crazy, silly, supportive, delightful, positive friends who continually remind me and keep me on track.  I even love my bouts (albeit very short ones) of gloom that remind me how lucky I am to have so much love and joy in my life. 

Will this change my perspective when I take on my book again?  Probably.  Will I read what I've written, declare it drek and just trash it and start all over?  Maybe.  Does it really matter which way I go?  Absolutely not!  What matters is that I will start writing and whatever comes out will be wonderful. 

Lately, I have noticed a lot of little things happening after I make a declaration to the Universe.  Little things, like traffic clearing in front of me, or a parking spot opening up, or finding something I wanted.  But each time, I acknowledge receiving it and thank the Universe for listening and responding.  So as I was driving home tonight, and after one of those little serendipities, I realized that it's once again time to let the Universe know about some of the larger things I want, life changing, earth shattering, maybe even world changing things.  Of course, the first thing I wanted to do was carefully formulate those requests, but I realized that that's really the last thing I want to do.  Better to just get the request out there and let the Universe work it's magic and in it's usual, inimitable fashion, make my request even better than my puny imagination can currently conjure.  So at this point, I just asked for independent working conditions, and to be able to support myself in the style to which I'd like to become accustomed.  I think that's vague enough! 

I was also reading today that when the Universe sees that you've truly opened your heart to your soulmate, there is nothing to do but bring you together!  (I guess Munchkin, my little Abyssinian, is my soulmate as she curled up on my chest right after I typed that!)  But seriously, I'm becoming increasingly conscious of the negative thoughts which creep into my mind when I think about a life partner.  Things like "I won't find someone who likes me at this weight" or "I don't want someone who doesn't dance"  and on and on and on.  I've learned that these kinds of thoughts are self-sabotaging in so many ways and on so many levels so I try to nip them in the bud.  Telling myself I'm beautiful, sexy, sassy and delicious every chance I get pushes out the thoughts that anyone else could see me otherwise (but let me tell you, it requires a lot of discipline to lock out thoughts which were embedded in me over a lifetime!) and making a point of being grateful for the wonderful dance partners I am fortunate enough to share with the other dancers helps dispell the non-dancer vibes.  But again, it's a continuous process and it's so easy to let my guard down and let the negative thoughts sneak in.  They're a lot like the bad cholesterol.  They can sneak in through the tiniest cracks while the good thoughts take up more space.  The trick is to fill up all of the available space with the good thoughts and just leave no room for the sneaky, dark, grumpy, gloomy negativity.  The joy engendered by those happy, hopeful, positive thoughts will be the grout that seals the tiniest of cracks and protects the overall structure of my positive, abundant, joyful self.

And speaking of grout, I'm about to start revisiting the remodel.  First up is to contact both a structural engineer and an asbestos testing company to get answers to how I might make my kitchen, at least, happen sooner rather than later.  If the answers I get are workable, I'll get an electrician and a plumber involved, figure out the granite countertops and maybe have a new kitchen, at least, for the holidays!  (Only a year later than planned, but what's a year in the general scheme of things?) 

After I figure that out, I'll contact an architect and look into building up instead of out, and just knocking out some walls to make my living room and office/library bigger.   I wonder how the cats will adapt to having to go upstairs to snuggle at night? 

So much to think about, research and decide.  But like everything else, I can only put one foot in front of the other as I walk whichever path I choose.  And so, I take that first step and begin to write again.

Love and light