Welcome to my Journey

Hello, and welcome to my Journey. Over the last few years I have been learning more about my personal journey, my Path and my Soul Purpose. The further I travel, the easier I find it to share my journey with others, and to learn from their journeys as well. The most recent evolution has caused me to expand my Universe and allow more people access to my travels, as well as allowing me access to more people, their travels and what they have learned as they walk their own paths. Feel free to share your journey here as we all have much to learn in our lives as Divine Beings having a Human experience.

Love and Light.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

May 31, 2014 10 sure-fire procrastination ideas for writers

Sitting at my desk this morning, once again with the house to myself, I honestly committed myself to spending time editing my book.  Unfortunately, the procrastination monster reared its ugly head, once again, and I found myself doing everything BUT writing! 

An email from my publicist about blog headlines got me thinking.  Why not share the things I use to distract me with other writers so they might either avoid some of them, offer ideas for others, or give me some ideas about how to avoid those irritating little distractions.   So I began my list, albeit woefully incomplete, it's certainly a start.

Procrastination ideas, episode 1:
1. Open a Publisher's Clearinghouse email and follow the links to infinity and beyond.
2. Watch hyperthyroid cat sleeping on iCat webcam, making sure to spend at least 10 minutes talking to him and telling him that he's coming home soon (despite the fact that he cannot either see or hear you!)
3. Dig around in the refrigerator looking for something to eat, despite the fact that you're not even hungry.
4. Wander around the house petting cats.
5. Rearrange email folders.
6. Read every new Facebook post...twice!
7. Check investment portfolio.
8. Sync Fitbit to see how many steps you've taken since you last checked 10 minutes ago.
9. Write a blog post
10. Try to catch up on the 30 day squat challenge, 25 squats at a time.

Number 9 is especially good, because I can always tell myself "But at least I wrote something!"

In fact, the best procrastinations are the ones which can be justified by using advanced rationalization techniques.

1. If I don't enter I can't win, but if I enter 10 million times, I just might win $100 bucks again!  (of course, the last time this happened was at least 15 years ago, but that means I'm due, right?)
2. I just miss him so much, and I'm sure that when he looks at the camera, he can feel me talking to him!
3. If I root around long enough, I'll find something that sounds good and then I won't need to eat later when I'm in the middle of writing!
4. Research has proven that petting cats is calming and their purrs have all sorts of healing and beneficial effects.  Perhaps, while petting one of them, I'll get an inspiration for my story line!
5. My email folders need to all be saveable in case my computer gets unhappy, and as some wouldn't back up, I need to get everything moved to where I can save it for future reference (who knows when I might need that 8 year old email again??)
6. My friends post such interesting stuff.  Not only does it inspire me with blog posting ideas, but real life has such interesting quirks that it makes good reading in fiction too!
7. Gotta see how that Apple stock is doing, pre-split, don't I??? 
8. How many times will I have to walk back and forth from my office to the kitchen before I hit 10,000 steps??  This is important stuff, you know!
9. Writing is writing.  Even though it's not my book (and as such, gets me no closer to publication) if I'm writing a blog post, I'm not really procrastinating, right?
10. I really want to finish something I've started, and since my daughter was here most of the week, I slacked off of working out and squatting.  If I finish the squat challenge, I can surely finish my editing too!

I look forward to hearing if any of these worked for you, or if you have ideas for even better procrastination ideas and their associated rationalizations. 

But more, I look forward to those ideas to cross procrastinations off of the list and (in the immortal words of Nike)  "Just do it!"

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for a sense of humor which gets me through those times when I'm just not accomplishing what I think I should.
2. I am grateful that Dylan is coming home tomorrow.
3. I am grateful that I have this blog to keep my writing going, even when it's just pointless babble.
4. I am grateful for a quiet place to write.
5. I am grateful for dance nights which get me out and around people once in awhile.

Love and light.

May 30, 2014 And a good time was had by all

As I type, my daughter is on her way home to San Diego with two new additions to her household strapped snugly into the passenger seat.  Our quest to find her a new kitten (or in this case, two) took only one stop.  Her two orange babies, Athena and Apollo, will soon be joining the rest of the family.  Athena is, at the moment very protective of her brother, and is what we call a "hissy spitty" for now.  But when you take Apollo away from her, he's a little snuggle bug.  He just freaks out when someone tries to touch him with his sister near, because she goes into Mama bear mode, hissing, spitting and smacking.  As they were strays and recently separated from their mama, she tends to be a bit overprotective, but should learn that Heather is a good cat mama by watching how her brother settles down with her.  Heather just can't pass up someone who might need the extra attention and understanding she can give!

My birthday week was amazing, as I got lots of time with my daughter, but also a phenomenal outpouring of love from my friends!  Now I have to sort through it all and write thank you notes to everyone for making it so special! 

I'm really loving the Fitbit Heather gave me, as I had no idea I moved as much as I do in a normal day.  Just moving around the house, cleaning up the kitchen, making the bed, walking back and forth down the hall from my office to the kitchen...it really adds up!  Of course, today we added two trips to the animal shelter, a trip to Walmart, another to Costco and one to get my nail fixed.  We finished the day with dinner and a movie.  All told, I've walked close to 7,000 steps!  Is that unbelievable or what?  If I had a bigger house, I'd probably log 5,000 steps a day just making meals, refilling my water and using the bathroom!  So on top of everything else, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.

There was one rather funny incident involving the Fitbit, though.  When I go to sleep, I put it into a mode which tracks my sleep and how often I'm restless.  Around 6 AM, Toby came in for his usual round of attention and started chewing on the Fitbit.  Next thing I know, he's switched it over into non-sleep mode, though I didn't realize it until I got up and checked the stats!  Fortunately, their little graph shows steps and it was easy to tell when I was still in bed, so I was able to correct the error.  Darned cat has now progressed from chewing on the Otter Box around my phone to chewing on the Fitbit around my wrist!  What is it with him and plastic???

The most wonderful part of the day came around noon when the vet called to tell me that Dylan could come home on Sunday, the absolute soonest I expected to be able to get him.  I'm so excited as I'm already turning around, expecting to see him on my desk!  And having lost two cats since November, the house is already pretty quiet without having the one who follows me everywhere gone too.  Thank goodness we caught his hyperthyroidism early and it's curable!  He's showing no outward signs, and his renal and cardiovascular systems were not compromised.  I can't tell you how relieved this makes me (or maybe I have, several times over the last few days.).  I can't say enough about AVMI.  Not only do they take excellent care of my boy, but they send me updates and pictures every day, give me access to all of the updates to his chart as well as his x-rays and scintigraphy, and a webcam between 8 am and 8 pm for me to just watch and talk to!  If he had to be away from me for a few days, this makes it a lot easier to handle.  I can watch him eating and drinking, re-arranging his condo, (he pulled one of the beds almost into his water dish today!), playing with the toy I left for him, meowing at the techs to give him some attention, and taking naps on top of his little cubbies, while stretching out to nearly his full, beautiful length!  While he may not be happy, I can see that he is, at least, comfortable.

In the meantime, Munchkin and Toby, who have been dividing their time between me and Heather for the last few days, will have only me to demand attention from again, so I won't lack for furry attention.  Patches stuck with me the whole time, but at 17, she's old and a little crotchety, and very set in her ways.  She has a nightly routine and it doesn't change much from one night to the next.

As I wait for the call that says my daughter and new grandkitties made it home safely, I'll finish off with tonight's gratitudes.

1. I am grateful for the time I got to spend with my daughter.
2. I am grateful for new grandkitties.
3. I am grateful for the wonderful care Dylan is receiving, and even more grateful that he will soon be back under my care.
4. I am grateful for a very full, satisfying, incredible week.
5. I am grateful that I will soon be getting back to my routine.

Love and light

Thursday, May 29, 2014

May 29, 2014 Birthday night and Dylan update

I know I say this every year, but it really is true.  This was the best birthday ever!  I got to spend time with my daughter, she went completely nutso-crazy over my cake and decorations, and I had the most amazing night with all of my dance friends!  I feel so overwhelmed with love right now that I'm almost speechless.

Note that I did say "almost".  My fingers still runneth over with words tonight!

The vet who is taking care of Dylan is absolutely amazing.  They give me regular updates, access to all of his records, and, best of all, the iCat webcam where I can watch him throughout the day.  He was especially entertaining when one of the techs was walking back and forth in front of his condo.  He kept looking at the guy and meowing.  Mr. Dylan is not one who does well without human contact...constantly.  He was pretty active most of the day, moving between his two sleeping cubbies and the top of both where he stretched out almost to his full, amazing length (space permitting, of course). 

I learned today that he has a neighbor named Savannah who bears a strong resemblance to our Scooby who crossed the rainbow bridge last month.  He is a beautiful boy who, from his pictures, looks just as healthy and unmarred by this disease as Dylan, which is a very good thing.  Clearly, more vets are watching for this and doing tests before it has had time to do any damage to our sweet babies. 

Here's Mr. Dylan in his condo surveying the world around him, and keeping it safe for catkind.  I like the way they've given him privacy with his own, little restroom (through the circle in the back).

I should know tomorrow if he'll be coming home on Sunday, or will have to stay longer to allow the radiation to reach acceptable levels.  I'm holding very positive thoughts that he'll be home sooner rather than later.

Reading over the paperwork they gave me, I'm glad I'm an old fart because if I were under 45, I'd have to keep a greater distance between me and my man.  Since I'm just slightly past that <grin> I get to be as close as 3 feet from him during the day (and I think my arm is that long so I can give him pets!), though he won't be able to sleep with me at night.  It will be rough on him since he's used to sleeping around my head, or at the very least, on the night stand next to me.  But it's all worth it to have many more years of love from my wonderful, sweet boy!

Tomorrow, I plan to be up early so I can start viewing his webcam as soon as the lights go on at 8 AM.  Watching him today not only made me feel better about leaving him for a few days, but made me chuckle as he went through some of his antics, including sticking his face right up to the webcam.  He's nothing if not a character!

Birthday week is not over yet!  Tomorrow, we're going to see Malefecint.  Originally, I was just going with my daughter, but it's possible we'll be joined by one of my amazing (and amusing) dance buddies!  It just keeps getting better and better!

But for now, I'll leave you with my gratitudes because Toby is making it rather difficult to type as he swipes his big, bushy tail across the keyboard.

1. I am grateful for my incredible daughter who makes everything to festive.
2. I am grateful for my amazing friends who make me feel so loved!
3. I am grateful for birthdays...each one we celebrate is another year we've been given on this earth to make a difference.
4. I am grateful for dancing as it keeps me moving so the joints stay lubricated.  And it keeps us all young!!!  I don't know anyone who dances regularly who looks or acts their chronological age.
5. I am grateful for the wonderful care my boy, Dylan is getting while his body is rid of something which could be very debilitating if left alone.

Love and light.


Wednesday, May 28, 2014

May 28, 2014 Birthday week festivities have begun!

My daughter arrived from San Diego last night, so you may have noticed that there was no blog post last night.  Some things just take precedence.

She has now turned my kitchen into a rainbow colored bakery, and I am allowing myself to live with a messy kitchen when I go to bed tonight.  One must, at times, just allow creativity the freedom to spread it's wings.

Although, technically, she's only been gone a month, and was actually here about 3 weeks ago for another birthday, it's nice to have the time to just visit with her.  Sure, we talk or text every day, but it's not the same as face to face!

It also helped to have her here after taking Dylan in for his radio iodine treatment as he'll probably come home shortly after she heads home, so she'll keep me distracted until he's back (though by tomorrow, I'll have my iCat password so I can watch him on a webcam!).  The vet has already posted two pictures of my handsome boy on their website.  He meowed all the way there (and with traffic, it was about an hour and a quarter trip) but once at the vet's office, he settled down, and was especially sweet when I took him out of the carrier.  He truly lived up to his nickname, "Mellow Yellow" today.   Here's my sweet boy, posing for the camera before heading for Tustin where he will receive his treatment.  I am incredibly grateful that the vet caught this early so he has shown no outward signs, nor have any of his other organs been compromised.

As I was getting ready to leave today, I took his face in my hands and told him "I want us to grow old together, so let's get this taken care of and let you be a healthy, happy boy for a long, long time!"  When I got home without him, the other cats were singularly relaxed, seeming to understand that he'll be home soon, and better than ever!  I'm sure part of it is my own conviction that he's in the best of hands to cure his hyperthyroidism, and my excitement at getting him home in a few days.  But I believe my cats understand my words as well.  And if I believe it's for the best, and that he'll be healthy and strong afterwards, well, so do they!  If nothing else, we're generating a barrel full of positive energy to help Mr. Dylan get well quickly!

Meanwhile, Ms. Munchkin can't seem to get enough of her big sister, Heather, and has spent a good part of the day snuggling (when Heather wasn't tearing up my kitchen!).  It's a very happy house tonight, especially after a yummy pre-birthday dinner at Red Lobster and a nice, 30 minute walk around the mall.  Even though I've only been wearing my Fitbit for a few hours today, I've already gotten close to half of the targeted 10,000 steps!  I'm sure I'll hit the target more often than not!

This is a great gadget as it is a constant reminder to choose your foods well, and to get up and MOVE!    In the immortal words of King Julien from Madagascar, "You've got to move it, move it!"

That being said, I will move it, move it, into tonight's gratitudes.

1. I am grateful to be spending a few days with my amazing, talented, loving, sweet daughter.
2. I am grateful that my boy, Dylan is being well cared for as he undergoes his cure.
3. I am grateful for peace and harmony in my household.
4. I am grateful for an abundance of love, friendship, health, fitness and overall prosperity.
5. I am grateful for birthday week festivities.

Love and light.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

May 26, 2014 Change of plans

My plan to have a lazy day and get some writing done fell partially by the wayside, when a call from a friend got me up off of my butt for a Memorial Day concert in the park, featuring Beatlemania. 

I still got another chapter edited and a little laziness (slept in until almost 10), but I also got my meditation in and still had a great, guilt-free time enjoying a beautiful, sunny day with great music and friends.  We ended up spending most of the concert next to the stage (I guess the kids call it the mosh pit these days) dancing and singing along. 

The hills surrounding the park's natural amphitheater were covered with gaily colored umbrellas, chairs, blankets, but best of all, happy, grateful people.  Though the day is essentially a commemoration of those who died, it is a also a celebration of gratitude for the lives we live because of their ultimate sacrifices. 

While I find myself agreeing with those who say that we should also add that we pledge to find a way to stop having to send our young men and women into danger like this, it really comes down to the fact that, since time immemorial, humans have found a reason to fight with each other.  Whether it's been religion or territory or some fabricated reason to take one group's innate aggressiveness out on another, I've yet to see, at least in my lifetime and those which preceded it, a time when people just got fed up with all of the aggression and took the aggressors completely out of the picture.  And face it, every single culture, nation, religion or other imaginary separator of humans has its aggressors.  There is always someone who thinks they deserve a bigger piece of the pie and has no problem using whatever means they have to in order to claim what they deem their fair share.

I don't claim to have the answers.  All I can do is try to love the haters and focus my attention on peace and harmony.  Will my own, small effort turn the tables?  Probably not.  Will it make a small tear in the fabric of that anger and aggression?  I like to think it will.  But I have to believe that if millions of normal, average people like me simply focused on love and peace, we might actually see that shift...and in this lifetime!

That doesn't mean that my heart doesn't ache when school girls are kidnapped or towns are bombed, or when one, crazy, emotionally damaged young man goes on a killing spree in a college town.  It just means that I try to stop my angry, judgemental thoughts as quickly as possible and instead, realize that the actions being taken are there because the individuals taking them do not feel loved.   And since we are all connected, then it follows that they come from a place in me that isn't feeling loved.

So, do I, in essence, gnaw my own arm off, or do I instead, do my best to reach it and remind it that, though it may not feel like it at times, it is always surrounded by love.  I may not like the actions taken, but the person underneath still needs and deserves to be loved.

I'm reminded of when my kids were small.  I tried very hard to avoid ever telling them that they were bad.  Their behavior may have been bad, or at least, not acceptable, but they, themselves, were always good people!

The blackest of hearts is simply a well-constructed wall to protect the soft center from hurts which it believes either have or will occur.

I suddenly got an image of a person in a room.  The person is, presumably, a criminal who has been incarcerated.  He sits in a room surround by people who do nothing except to send love missiles to him.  Their loving energy is run through a machine which stands at the back of the room, and converts it into little energetic missiles which are directed at the wall around his heart.   As the wall gives way, he is finally able to feel and receive the love which was there for him all along.  But he must not be allowed to fall into self-loathing when he reaches the realization that he did some things which might have been pretty horrible.  Instead, the love continues flowing and he is shown that, despite his misdeeds, he is still worthy of love and compassion, especially from himself.

OK, so it's a little science-fictionesque, but I can't control the images my brain creates for my viewing pleasure.  And you have to admit that it would be a heck of an improvement over current rehabilitation efforts!

As I've now amused you yet again with my mind's way of hopscotching from one topic to another with no indication as to how it made the transition, I will leave you with tonight's gratitudes.

1. I am grateful for a day spent in the sunshine with good company, good music, and even a little exercise!
2. I am grateful for the people who have made the ultimate sacrifice so I can sit here tonight, typing whatever comes into my head.
3. I am grateful for a lovely beginning to "Birthday Week".
4. I am grateful for continuing to open up and touch the world's of the people around me, and for their permission to do so.
5. I am grateful for all of the abundance which touches every aspect of my life.

Love and light.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

May 25, 2014 Quieting the stress voice so I can hear my body's true voice.

Last night, after about three hours of dancing, 100 half ball squats and 25 floor squats and a killer workout, I found myself trying to fall asleep, but the IT band in my right leg had other ideas.  Normally, I'd have just grabbed a couple of Aleve and waited for the pain to subside, but when I woke up this morning, it dawned on me that I hadn't even thought to do that!  Instead, I grabbed my little, wooden back roller which had been sitting on top of the lone, free standing book shelf in my office.  I don't know why I went this route, though I'd been thinking seriously about laying on my foam roller in the morning.  But running that little thing up and down my leg until I found the sore spot, then pressing REALLY hard, finds me much better this morning!  Who'd have known??

The best part is, when I woke up, I didn't need more pills because I went to the source of the problem.

My point is (and I really do have one here) that just as I'm filling my refrigerator and cupboards with healthier options, and just as I find eating out to be less appealing, I also seem to be treating my entire body as less of a science experiment and more of  a machine which, when fed, lubricated, and otherwise maintained properly, works a lot more efficiently.  But oddly enough, I didn't plan to make these changes.  Just like when I quit smoking many years ago because it was interfering with my dancing, I seem to be making lifestyle changes naturally as they impact my dancing, my sleep patterns and my overall welfare.

Reducing my levels of stress by leaving the rat race was, apparently, only the beginning.  Although, once I took stress out of the picture, I started listening to my body because it no longer had to shout to get over the louder, more insistent voice of stress which was saying things like " Go ahead and eat that chocolate!  You've had a rough day!"  or "You're tired.  Just grab something from the sushi place rather than having to go home and cook something!"  or worse yet:  "You've had a rough week, and you did go dancing.  It's ok to skip those gym workouts!  You'll make it up later!"

With the stress levels down, the voices are virtually silent, and I am better able to hear the voices which are telling me to go to the gym regularly, join things like the 30 day squat challenge, add an extra night of dancing, do more housework, and take a weekly, post-gym side trip to the local farm for super fresh, organically grown, sweet and tasty fruits and veggies.  There's no longer either the need nor the desire to make excuses.  I want the bowl of home made gazpacho in my refrigerator so I can grab a quick meal or add a side dish to my dinner when I don't feel like assembling a salad.  I want fat free Greek yogurt instead of sour cream!  But even more, I want to take the time to prepare healthy meals with leftovers so I can still eat healthy meals when I'm busy.

By now, unless you're living under a rock, you've likely heard of the Laws of Attraction.  This is just another example of how that works.  The more you do healthy things (reduce stress, exercise, eat healthy foods), the more you're going to be inclined to do more of those things!
Lately, I've really been tempted by those Taco Bell commercials, but have I actually gone and gotten something?  NO!  Do you want to know why?  Because I know that it might taste good for a minute or two (if that), but it's going to leave me feeling heavy and dull.  My body is used to fresh vegetables, turkey, fish and chicken, and gets downright offended if I try giving it fried foods or beef.  The last time I gave it something in the fast food family, it punished me for three days!  I don't want to go there again!   

I've always professed to listen to my body, but I had no idea that it's true voice was being smothered under the voice of stress!  What a revelation!  I'm just grateful that I learned it now, when my body isn't as resilient as it used to be, and requires a better grade of maintenance if I want to not only keep up my current pace, but increase it in the months and years ahead.  Just one more reason to believe that stress is NOT your friend!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for healthy revelations, better late than never.
2. I am grateful for serendipity.
3. I am grateful for my low stress lifestyle.
4. I am grateful for learning to turn away from the quick fix and towards treating the actual cause.
5. I am grateful for healthier habits overall, and the ability to be a body in motion that stays in motion.

Love and light

May 24, 2014 The joys of being an Empath

I am an Empath.  My daughter, Heather, is also an Empath. 

To put it simply, what this means is that, while most people can walk through a crowd of people and emerge unscathed, we can't.  Instead, we feel all of the emotions which are running through that crowd of people, and until we learn the fine art of shielding, we emerge, at best, unexplainably cranky and irritable, or, at worst, an emotional basket case.  Typically, it's somewhere in between the two extremes.  For this reason, we tend to avoid places which draw crowds of people unless it's something we really want to do.  (for us, this would include concerts and Disneyland). 

Before I learned what was going on, I was considered antisocial, or just, plain weird.  Those who don't understand still may see me that way.  But now, as I've both learned to accept this sometimes questionable gift, and can block out most unwanted emotions from others, I don't allow opinions formed without understanding the facts to bother me. 

My first extremely terrifying experience with my "condition" involved a man I'd recently ended a 3 year relationship with.  As he exuded some incredibly negative energy, I found myself feeling emotionally bruised and battered.  Unable to cope with the barrage of negativity, I imagined myself surrounded by outward facing mirrors which reflected back anything which was aimed at me. 

The technique, though extremely elementary, was quite effective.  However, I eventually learned that it was an all or nothing kind of solution.  In this case, I blocked out all energy and emotion, both good and bad.  There were many iterations, but eventually, I learned to shield with my primary and secondary elements, fire and water.  I used them to weave a virtual shell around myself to allow selected energies and emotions in.  In the long run, it was more effective, but was still a work in progress.

I've since learned to draw some Earth energy into my shield, and to soften the edges, allowing myself to open up to people better.   But old habits die hard and I still opt out of most situations which involve a crowd of people.  I'm just more comfortable dealing with a few people directly. 

Fortunately for my daughter, I'd had my baptism by fire, and when it became clear that she shared my "gift", I was able to help her learn to protect herself from a young age, and when we knew we were going into a situation which would be challenging, I'd augment her shield for her until she grew strong enough to manage whatever was required herself.  In fact, she taught me a few things along the way too! 

As most people are blissfully unfazed by the emotional sewage which is always around, the best way to describe it would be that it's the emotional equivalent of trying to navigate Grand Central Station during rush hour.  Try to imagine that physical pushing, pulling, shoving and squashing being applied on an emotional level. 

The guy whose elbow is digging into your side just had a huge fight with his boss...and you feel every ounce of his anger, but don't know why you're suddenly angry.  The lady seated beside you, clutching her large handbag on her lap just found out that her husband of 50 years has cancer, and it's too far gone to treat.  You feel her fear, her helplessness and maybe her anger that it wasn't detected sooner, but are clueless as to why you suddenly feel like bursting into tears.

But it's not all negative.  The young woman hanging on to a strap across from you just got engaged.  You feel her joy, her excitement, a bit of panic and her love for her fiance. 

But when all of these emotions are mashed together into a stew of disjointed ingredients, I assure you that it is nothing short of painful!

I share this with you because I hope that the next time you encounter a friend or family member who either avoids large gatherings or hugs the outside edges of the group, instead of labeling them "weird" or anti-social", you might consider the fact that the reason for their behavior has a lot more to do with self-preservation.  Because, trust me, a physical battering is much easier to deal with than an emotional one, and is far easier to explain because the scars are visible.

Being an empath isn't all bad, though.  In fact, it really is an amazing gift!  While I was taking a class in healing, I found that by opening myself up, I was able to receive a lot of useful information (of course, there were times when I opened myself up and received an emotional body slam, but in truth, there's a lot of valuable information to gained from that as well!).  We are great givers and receivers of hugs, as we both give and receive on a deeper level than most people realize.

Small kindnesses, or seeing someone else's pleasure from a small gesture will fuel us for days!  I, for one, can think about a person and something they said or did, and feel, again, every ounce of the joy I felt initially.  I find that when I'm on the dance floor, I'm especially susceptible to these little joy bursts.  I'll suddenly have a huge smile on my face and as I turn to face someone sitting along the edge of the dance floor, they'll smile too! 

Like anything else, it's all about knowing your limitations. 

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my friends who make me feel special in so many ways.
2. I am grateful for the lessons I've learned which make me able to love and accept myself just the way I am.
3. I am grateful that I am able to put difficult concepts into words, that others may learn a little about what is under the surface of people around them.
4. I am grateful for an amazing night of dancing with a lot of warmth, joy and love.
5. I am grateful for the cats who were awaiting my return tonight.  Their love also raises me up and sustains me.

Love and light

Friday, May 23, 2014

May 23, 2014 Seeking help from others

Yesterday, I was, once again, struggling with the fact that I'm not progressing faster with my writing, so I did what I often do when I'm stumped:  I did a Tarot spread asking "what do I need to know about my writing that I'm not aware of?"  The cards I drew added up to a fairly powerful reading, with four Majors and two Queens out of the ten cards I drew.  Something prompted me, after doing my own analysis, to throw it out to the members of a Tarot group I belong to on Facebook, and several people who are both more proficient at reading and more objective, were kind enough to share their insight. 

All I can say is WOW!!!  A couple of them really nailed it, and it wasn't quite what I'd expected.  As soon as I read their posts, I just knew they were right one.  First, let me share the cards I pulled, for those who are familiar with Tarot.  I used my usual Spiral deck for this:

Card 1:  The Hermit  (9)
Card 2:  The Magician     (1)
Card 3:  The Hanged Man  (12)
Card 4:  Two of Wands
Card 5:  Three of Wands
Card 6:  Strength  (8)
Card 7:  Queen of Pentacles
Card 8:  The Devil  (15)
Card 9:  Three of Pentacles
Card 10:  Queen of Swords

I put the card numbers next to the Majors so I could get a better idea of the numbers I pulled, and to see if there was any pattern.  Here are a couple of the comments I received.

the Hanged Man indicates that while you feel you have hit a snag or have been suspended, you should try looking at everything around you from a different angle, rather than panicking or complaining that you are upside down. if you take some time to adopt the new perspective, you might have a truly inspirational gem worth writing about on your hands
On just a surface scan, I would say that you are trying to "conceive" a child that has already been conceived; you are too clever for your own good. You are, probably subconsciously, giving off an "air" of abracadabra-ism that isn't necessary. You've got a dynamite line-up of talent and strength, now take YOURSELF in hand, give over being "magical" about it, and ease into the awaiting miracle of birth
You have good ability but may need stronger editing and have to overcome some negativity and delays or distractions in your environment. But there is some good material there for you as well:). You are an able researcher and one of your writing talents is the ability to combine dramatic feeling with a certain type of cerebral restraint and analysis...
While all of these, I believe, hit the mark to some degree, it was the next one which truly knocked my socks off!  
I agree with...  and that most writers tend to create distractions and these keep the writers from writing, it goes with the territory. The Hermit is not the answer, it is the question, why have you taken yourself away from the writing? That is what a Hermit does, removes self from the material world. You have all the tools to create your magic and the Devil card keeps you from it, the material world of distractions. The Queen of Swords can provide you with structure, create a set time to write, be it 1 hour a day or 3 hours 5 days a week, up to you. We just had this in a thread here, the stagnation of writing and the consensus like the novelist Stephen King said..you must create a writing schedule and not be a writer who is only called to write if they are inspired, write daily, create the time frame, turn off your phone, close the door and write. If you stare at the paper or screen, then stare, read a book in your writing seat, but do not do the laundry or anything but write or read.

I have omitted all names as I'm not sure that these very insightful people would like their names included in some random blog (some, if not all, are Tarot professionals).  With their permission, I may, however, give them credit at some later date.

Now, admittedly, I do write almost every day, by virtue of my blog postings, but that isn't getting the book finished!  I totally agree with the fact that I have, in some ways, taken myself away from the writing.  Even more, I think I know why.

I have another To Do list which contains things I need to do before I even consider publishing my book, and I believe that I've allowed myself to get bogged down in that list rather than focusing on the writing.  Yes, the things on the list will come together in time, but by putting energy into that list, I'm throwing up a roadblock to the consistent efforts needed to just finish the thing I will be marketing.

I'll go back to my favorite example, decluttering.  When you have a room that is filled with stuff that needs to be sorted out and either trashed, donated or put in its proper place, beginning the task can be quite overwhelming as long as you look at the whole room as a single project.  But if you break it down into small spaces, it suddenly becomes manageable.  "Sure I can handle this two square foot area!  And once it's done, I'll see a clear space which will inspire me to take on another two square foot space!"

I think, for now, I need to put the To Do list aside as it is too large a chunk to manage.  Following the last poster's advice and setting aside time to just write every day will whittle away at the task still before me:  completing the initial edit of the book!  Despite the fact that editing is at the top of my weekly to do list, I have yet to get more than two check marks per week on that item.  It's time to raise the bar and reach the point where I have enough check marks to cross that puppy off the list for the week!

The sad part is, I am actually more than halfway through the book now, having recently completed 149 pages of 274 and edited 28 chapters.   This would sound a lot more amazing if I hadn't finished the first draft in January, and it is now May. 

I have tried the 30 minute timer method and found it incredibly effective (I have yet to work for less than an hour using this method), but now I need to work on consistency.  In fact, I should be able to do at least three or four sessions a day using this method, and at about a chapter a session, finish this puppy off in the next couple of weeks! 

I realize now that my editing process is only the beginning, and while I am sending my baby out for the input of others, is the time to work through the rest of the To Do list for the launching of the book.  This is typical of my tendency to try to keep too many balls in the air.  So, for now, the only ball I'm going to keep tossing is the editing of the danged book!

I am sooooo grateful to all of the people who have been put into my life to help me both get on track and stay there.  Also to those who helped me to take the leap of faith and actually go into this project without a long-term safety net.  Overall, I have to say that my life has improved in ways I never expected!

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for people with unique perspectives.
2. I am grateful for my exposure to new ideas and points of view.
3. I am grateful for the cha cha, as I take two steps forward and one back.  Progress is still progress!
4. I am grateful for the luxury of working from home each and every day, and of interacting with people only when I want to.
5. I am grateful for the very positive diagnosis which will allow me to have Dylan's hyperthyroidism cured, once and for all!  No more pills with potential side effects for my sweet man!

Love and light

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

May 21, 2014 Another blog topic from a Facebook friend

A friend of mine posted this yesterday, and it elicited some discussion, but mostly from the happily married ladies.  My comment was the only one I saw which questioned the quote (not that it isn't true, but on another level).  My question was "This assumes that the act of falling in love is purely voluntary, though. Would that our hearts would listen to our heads."

My friend believes that we do, indeed have control over who our heart falls in love with, while I have found that my heart is a finicky sort who doesn't like being told what is and is not good for her.  

I actually love it when something like this generates different points of view as it reminds me of how delightfully diverse we all can be!  

Admittedly, I have never (at least not in this human lifetime) found someone who sees me this way, though, of course, I would be honored and blessed should someone like this find his way into my life!  That isn't to say that my heart hasn't thought it loved a time or two, though, in retrospect, nobody who was truly worthy of that love, nor, also in retrospect, did I truly love any of them with the depth they, too, deserved.  

I realize that a lot of that is on me, as I have at various times and for various reasons, put up huge walls preventing even the toughest of knights from breaching my portcullis.  But for many of those years, it really was a good thing, as I hadn't really learned to be true to myself first.  In fact, it took me a lot more years than most, a failed marriage, raising two children to adulthood and the deaths of my parents to really push me forward into being this kind of good to myself, first.  

The real reason I've reposted this is because I'd love to hear from you, my readers about the subject of love.  Can we truly tell our hearts who to love, or are we subject to its whims, desires, and illogical behavior?

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for friends who give me stuff to write about.
2. I am grateful for the calmer climate I'm experiencing right now, which gives me the opportunity to allow and grow.
3. I am grateful for a busy, productive day which saw me getting my workout in and my errands run.
4. I am grateful for my continuing faith in my own talents and abilities, and the Universe to aid and abet me as I work towards my goals and dreams.
5. I am grateful for the abundant life I lead, in every aspect.

Love and light. 

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

May 20, 2014 Hallelujah! Motivation has returned!

At long last, it happened!  My motivation has resurfaced and I zipped through my client work today!  this leaves the rest of the month clear to just focus on my writing!  Hawt dayum!!!

I was beginning to think it was gone forever, so I'm happy to see that it was only a temporary aberration.  However, it is also causing me to look at various places around my house and think "OK, I need to take a few minutes and fix/organize/go through/take care of that!"  I haven't put all of the things on which my eyes have recently fallen onto the ever-growing To Do List, but I trust that they will, at some point, find their way onto the list.  My logical side has become downright anal about putting things on the list! 

In all honesty, though, many wouldn't have been completed or followed up on had they not made the list.  I definitely lean towards lazy, slothness. 

I saw this graphic on Facebook today, and I think it really sums up what I'm all about (although, of course, I would have to add "write" to the list as well for it to be perfect).

What I see from this quote, though, goes quite a bit deeper.  As humans, we spend a lot of time trying to control things, when our time would be better spent following our imagination, expressing our joy and above all, keeping it simple.  What happened to spreading a blanket under a tree, leaning our backs against the trunk while we traveled to far off lands between the pages of a book?  Maybe, like me, there's a cat curled up beside you and a bottle of water close by.  Birds are chasing each other through the branches of the tree, occasionally stopping to scold me and my companion for invading their world.  But in time, they realize that we're just there to enjoy the day ourselves, quietly and with no interest in disturbing their peace.

Of course, I move between seeing the world through someone else's eyes and creating a world for someone else to travel, using my perspective as a compass.  Either way, it's peaceful, civilized, and it harms none (which brings to mind the credo of Witches and other spell casters who understand that whatever you send out comes back to you times three.)

Speaking of things coming back to you, I don't think that only applies to magic and spell casting.  It is far more all encompassing.  This is evidenced by the increasing popularity of things like "Random Acts of Kindness" and "Paying it Forward".  (I am embarrassed to admit that I was pretty rude to a couple of people on the phone yesterday, though my excuse was that I was lied to and misled.  Still, though I eventually got what I wanted, at least in one case, the person on the other end of the phone wasn't the one who misled me in the first place.  Lesson noted) 

Being a good person doesn't mean waiting for someone to be good to you first.  It means that we practice being good and kind and considerate all the time, regardless of any perceived, hoped for, or expected reward.  The kindness should be, in and of itself, the reward. 

Think about it.  You're driving down the freeway.  Cars are closer together than they should be as the road is crowded.  Someone next to you signals their intention to change lanes.  You have two choices.   You can either speed up so they have to wait for someone else who's willing to let them in, or you can take the high road, slow down a bit, if necessary, and let them merge.  Typically, these days, I'll do the latter.   I feel good about it, and I've found that most of the time now, someone does the same kindness for me!  Or what about when you're entering or exiting a store?  Do you yank the door open and let it slam shut behind you without consideration for someone who might be trying to enter or exit themselves?  I like to believe that most of us do the right thing, but I have, on more than one occasion, run across someone who is either uncaring or simply not paying attention, and let's a door slam in my face.  I do try to give most of them the benefit of the doubt, as we all get absorbed and kind of tune out everything around us at times.  Again, most of the time, someone will, indeed, hold the door if they see me coming.

Recognizing that we don't always do the right thing is certainly a good way to remind ourselves to pay attention the next time, and I think that in the long run, it has made me more aware.  I think that being kind to customer service people after I've been treated poorly is going to take some doing, despite the fact that I know better than to "shoot the messenger".  Kindness under duress, along with patience, are definitely my hardest lessons.  I have faith that I will eventually master both, though.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the return of my motivation.
2. I am grateful for completed tasks.
3. I am grateful for things which remind me that I still have a ways to go on some of my lessons.
4. I am grateful for the kindnesses which are now coming naturally.
5. I am grateful for the skill to take others on a journey.

Love and light.

May 19, 2014 What is it about Mondays?

Despite the fact that my weeks don't really have particular days like they did when I worked for someone else, I still seem to be susceptible to the Monday syndrome on occasion.  Wouldn't you know, the last two have been, shall we say, challenging?

Last week, I spent half the day on the phone with Blue Shield.  By the time I finished, I thought I was...finished, that is.  But Dave was supposed to get back to me when the problem was fixed, and aside for one call at the end of the day on Monday to say he was still working on it, I haven't heard a peep.

So today, I called again and said I wasn't going to waste my time with any more gate keepers, but wanted to speak directly to a manager.  And this time, instead of finding three accounts for me, they found...NONE!!!  Good grief!!!  Tomorrow I email the lady at Covered California asking for assistance...again!!!

Meanwhile, I had to call on a friend to help me at least get a work around so I could print again (forget scanning or anything else!  That's over until I buy a new printer!) because HP couldn't be bothered to get back to me once they had charged my credit card!  When I called, the complete and total moron I spoke to on Friday whose only claim to fame was the two hours he spent futzing around on my computer, doing everything I'd already done, had somehow messed up my phone number and the request to send the problem up the ladder because they couldn't even find it in the system by my phone number.  The claim number finally brought up the ticket, but nobody seemed to know what to do, so instead of getting me to the refund department, they kept kicking me back into their automated system.  Needless to say, the last guy who got me (who was equally useless as he kept patronizing me by saying "I'm so sorry you're having a bad day".) got someone whose patience had died three transfers earlier.  At one point, I did tell him that my day was fine until I had to speak to HP (and refrained from adding "in freaking India!")  I think companies put their customer service and tech support departments there on purpose to discourage people from calling.  Just having to listen to someone sing-songing "I'm so sorry you're having trouble.  Let me see what I can do to help you."  followed by having to spell things out because their English is only so good...  Anyway, if you have ever had the delightful opportunity to speak to an American company's support people via India, I don't need to go into any more detail. 

But enough ranting.  I get frustrated when I don't accomplish anything, and it's because I have to deal with other humans who just don't think the way I do!  (Gad, I sound like Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory"!)  At any rate, tomorrow I will go to the gym, fill my car with gas and that will be the end of any contact with humans for the rest of the day!  Ah, bliss!

The day wasn't a complete loss, though.  Around 10 PM I realized that I'd better get the cat boxes emptied and the trash out.  I got a sudden burst of energy, vacuumed the whole house, traumatizing every indoor cat in the process, emptied the bags of cat food into my storage bins and cleaned up the kitchen.  I'm feeling much better about a day that, otherwise, seems to have been completely wasted.  I always feel better if I can knock some things off of the incredible, growing To Do List.

For now, Dylan is back on my desk, having forgiven me for disturbing his peace, and I'm feeling motivation and ambition work themselves back into my brain.  Life is good!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for successful resolution of issues.
2. I am grateful for the return of my motivation.
3. I am grateful for days when I don't have to interact with humans.
4. I am grateful for gym days as they make my body feel happy.
5. I am grateful that days like today are rare.

Love and light.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

May 18, 2014 Only the echoes of my mind

As I went through the mundane tasks I set for myself today and cooked a couple of healthy meals, enjoying cooking meditations which I saw suggested somewhere, my mind was allowed to wander where it might, and,  as usual, it took advantage of the situation.

The first place it wandered was into the realm of jobs and how people approach them.  I have some friends who have been extremely dedicated, working when they were sick, putting in long hours, missing holidays with family, all for a job with few rewards and which they professed to hate.  While I admire their sense of responsibility, (and at one time, but only for a few years, I was there as well) I have to wonder why someone who is so focused, so responsible, so dedicated, wastes the better part of their lives working at a job they hate, for a company that couldn't give a rat's hind end about them, and a far lesser rate of pay than they could expect if they just bit the bullet and went elsewhere.  Sure, there could be the issue of security, but as many of these friends work (or worked) for a company which was dependent upon government funding, security just doesn't exist.  One such friend, having survived the last few rounds of layoffs, knows that in the next round, her number could still come up. 

While another friend was speaking a little enviously about my seemingly irresponsible, easy-going lifestyle, I had to point out to her that she gets a regular paycheck while I don't.  To many, maybe most, that little factor is enough to keep them in a company they despise, doing work they detest. 

One thing I'm finding right now while I'm being more cautious about my outflow until the inflow increases again is that all of the times I went out for a meal weren't all that satisfying.  All of the food I ended up throwing away because I ate out too often and it went bad embarrasses me, at the very least.  Standing in the kitchen, chopping veggies or cooking something on the stove has become incredibly satisfying.  I can chat with the cats or listen to music while I prepare something for myself which is healthy and tasty.  I can buy those veggies that just came out of the field because I know that by the end of the day, I will have prepared something healthy and delicious, and I'll have leftovers for those days when I'm less inclined to take my time preparing a meal. 

For the last few weeks, I've been buying fresh veggies and making up a big bowl of gazpacho.  The first week, it was gone in a few days as it was pretty much all I ate.  The second batch lasted about a week.  The current batch is going on two weeks, but I've found that I mix it up and eat other things, or I use it as a side dish if I don't feel like putting together a salad.  But by Wednesday, when I do my grocery shopping after going to the gym, I'll probably be ready to build another batch.  Meanwhile, I have leftover turkey taco meat from tonight, and the fixin's for a lovely stir fry which I'll probably put together tomorrow.  By then, I'll have enough leftovers to take care of lunches and dinners for a week or better. 

This long, drawn-out ramble, simply stated, is me finding that a slower pace to life which allows me to enjoy some of the simpler things is incredibly satisfying.  While I haven't attended a single concert and what I'm doing for the kids right now is minimal, I don't believe anyone feels slighted. 

Although I'm seriously considering putting in a vegetable garden, I need to do something about the yard right now before I commit to taking care of more stuff.  I have weeds to pull, trees to trim and sprinklers to fix before I take on something as time consuming as a vegetable garden.  Fortunately, I live in an area which has almost a year-round growing season, so whenever I'm ready, I can put something in. 

I had also been beating myself up a bit over what I'm not getting done.  Sure, I only found myself actually working on my book twice this week, but it's twice more than I did last week or the week before.  In the meantime, my kitchen remains tidy, the laundry is getting done every week, I'm eating regular, healthy meals and I'm getting to the gym, if not my hoped for 3 times a week, at least twice!  My bed is made every day, and my blog is updated almost every day (I missed one day in the last 17 or so), and unless I'm busy the whole day, I manage to get at least an hour of meditating in daily as well.

Sure, it's not the life of a mega successful person like Bill Gates or Warren Buffet.  It's the life of someone who has tired of the corporate games, and of working hard so someone else has a healthy retirement.  Yes, it's also not being the one to take the risks that owning and operating a business require. 

But it's also not one which has me dragging myself out of bed each day to go do something I hate.  It's not one which has me asking  "Is it Friday yet???".  In fact, half the time, I have no idea what day it is, nor do I really care.  I do whatever I want or need to, regardless of the day of the week, unless I have something scheduled which is dependent on someone else's time.  If I want to read all day and work on chores until midnight or 2 AM, I do.  If I want to go to bed at 10 so I can start my day earlier, I'll do that too. 

I've also found that I watch less TV, as it no longer holds my interest.  I take time to look things up when I hear something which sounds intriguing.  I think a lot and follow those thoughts, wherever they might take me.  I'm happy and relaxed and able to allow just about anything to roll off of me.  Negativity just doesn't stick, in the rare event that it even tries to visit. 

***WARNING**** Complete change of topic coming.

After waking from a dream about a single dad and his daughter this morning, I found myself thinking:  "Was I always oblivious to the attentions of the male of the species, or did something trigger it?"  OK, it wasn't just the dream, but a conversation I had with a friend last night.  We were talking about going to the gym, and she mentioned that an old guy was hitting on her when she was there.  I responded with my usual: "I'm so oblivious, if someone was hitting on me, I wouldn't even notice! I go to the gym to get my workout in.  I put my headphones in my ears and focus on what I'm doing.  My social outlet is dancing, not going to the gym."  But I did have a man approach me last week while doing ball squats.  I didn't think anything of it, just spoke to him for a couple of minutes about it, then went  on with my day.  But now, I wonder.  Did I miss something?

As for when it started, I was able to remember an event which might have caused me to close myself off.  My freshman year in high school, there was a guy who showed an interest in me (a senior!!!) and, for awhile I enjoyed his company.  I remember one occasion when we went to see "Planet of the Apes" and his best friend joined us (sorry, but his name no longer remains in my memory banks).  Later that year, I somehow got the idea that he'd invited me to prom, and my mom took me to buy a dress.  (I even remember the dress. It was full length, pale blue with an empire waist.  There was a band of embroidered flowers on it and it had short sleeves.)  Long story short, I must have misunderstood as I didn't go to his prom and, as far as I remember, I never wore the dress.  Thankfully, I also don't recall my mom saying anything about buying a dress for nothing.  At any rate, I think that's when I unconsciously turned off my radar.  I no longer saw anything more than casual conversation in a man paying attention to me.  In some ways, it's been just as well, because I still, to this day, get all tongue tied and stupid if I find a man more than casually attractive. 

At any rate, I didn't blame the boy for the miscommunication then, and I certainly don't now.  In so many interpersonal relationships, one party or another simply hears what they want to hear, and that's likely what happened.  He certainly wasn't the type to do something hurtful.  It just wasn't his nature.  Heaven knows, I've been the one refusing to recognize the obvious on more than one occasion! 

Actually, as I think about it, this might make a good story!  I'll have to put it in my collection of story ideas!  Awkward teenageness becomes even more awkward adultness. :)  A story about learning to just love yourself and to heck with all of the other nonsense!

Coming back around to the beginning of this post, I am grateful that I learned that I don't have to keep going to a job that doesn't fulfill me, even if I have to give up the security of a regular paycheck.  When I make myself happy, the means will come.  I just have to keep looking at the sticky on top of my monitor which says "FAITH" and keep holding onto it.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for life's lessons.
2. I am even more grateful for learning further lessons from my life lessons.
3. I am grateful for a life that I love, even when I find myself a little bored.
4. I am grateful for things (like boredom) which help me refocus on what's important.
5. I am grateful to be out of the rat race!

Love and light.

May 17, 2014 Shifting energies

As I sit her tonight, trying to figure out how to put my thoughts into words, the cats are hanging really close.  My two big boys have been on my desk since I got home.  Munchkin holds court from the other chair in the room and Snowball lays sprawled on the floor.

They clearly feel the twisty, turny energy that's flowing on and around me right now.  I felt it when I went dancing tonight.  It was just a shade less than truly uncomfortable for awhile.  I had to make several attempts to seal my field, but once I did, I felt calmer.   But still, I felt like a had a flashing neon sign over my head when I was on the dance floor.  I felt a lot of energy flowing towards me, though, whether it was actually directed at me or at someone who was near me, I don't really know. 

For the last few days, I have been singularly unmotivated to either work on my book, my copywriting class or my accounting.  I will, no matter what, make sure that my clients, at least, are taken care of within the next couple of days, though! 

I've played puzzle games on the computer (and, of course, fought with said computer unsuccessfully), read a couple of books, done chores and accomplished other tasks, but since about Wednesday, my motivation has been in the toilet!  This is especially frustrating as the week started out well.   I got a couple of issues off of my To Do list and got some editing done on my book.  But as the week stretched out, my motivation seemed to just peter out.  I found myself thinking today that I would like some guidance to get back on my path before I lose sight of where that path might be! 

I've had a little bad news, or at least, it seems that way for the moment.  I found it interesting that one of the newsletters I subscribe to has a caution about taking things personally, and when I first received the news, I remember cautioning myself to remember that it wasn't personal. 

This post is a good example of how scattered and unsettled I feel right now.  I know Dylan feels it as he has barely left my side for the last few days, and when I go out, he's waiting at the door when I come back, acting concerned about my being out of his sight.  He's even taken to crawling into my lap when I'm sitting on the couch, which is out of character for him. 

There has been a lot more chatter than normal as well.  Both Snowball and Munchkin are talking to me a lot lately.  Toby is quiet, but demands attention frequently, and as soon as I go to bed, Patches climbs all over me, and it takes awhile to settle her down.

The only reasonable explanation I can find is that the moon is very close to the Earth right now, and I've found that I am strongly influenced by the moon and its cycles. 

As if he knows what I'm typing, Dylan just increased the volume on his purr.  He knows it calms and relaxes me because I tell him all the time.  And I do feel a bit less tightly wound as I focus on his purr.  Sometimes, I will even tune out my meditation music and listen to his purr instead. 

I'm also hearing someone telling me that I am, again, trying to control things too much, and that's what has me so wound up.  It seems I've lost sight of the need to just allow.  But I know more changes are coming, and I want to know what they are now, despite the fact that I know I'm being kept in the dark for a reason (like maybe, I'd cause a logjam while trying to direct things?), and that I'll be brought into the loop when there's no longer a danger of my controlling nature knocking things out of whack.

So now that I've rambled all over the map, I'll share my gratitudes and hope that at least some of what I typed tonight makes even a little bit of sense.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for friends who just let me be.
2. I am grateful for my continued adherence to the 30 day squat challenge.  I am loving the fact that my balance is getting better when I use the half ball.
3. I am grateful for the things I am accomplishing, even if, for now, they seem rather mundane.
4. I am grateful for the changes that are coming, and know they will be for the best.
5. I am grateful for my sensitivity, even when, like now, it makes me feel all twisty and out of whack.

Love and light

Friday, May 16, 2014

May 15, 2014 My subconscious is baffling me

Lately, I've begun having what I've come to think of as a recurring dream theme.  In fact, I've come to think of it as the "Thanksgiving Dream".  The basic idea behind the dream involves me having a house full of people and suddenly realizing that I haven't even started cooking yet.

In the last one, people kept arriving at the house with dishes, but I really had no idea how many were actually coming.  Somehow, I felt sure, however, that the one turkey I had was going to be sufficient, no matter how many people came.  Around 10 AM, I realized that I hadn't started the turkey, but felt no real worry as the electric dutch oven I now use cooks the turkey pretty quickly.

Last night's dream followed a somewhat different pattern, though the theme was the same.  Again, I had a house full of people, though, this time, the numbers were static.  Around noon, I realized that I hadn't started the turkey, and it seemed that I hadn't done anything ahead of time, though this wasn't clear.  The turkey, however, was still in the freezer, and when the dream ended, I was trying to figure out how to defrost it quickly.

Just like stories, dreams have a crisis point, and this one was no different.  I found that my kitchen was infested with flying ants.  At first I thought they were crawlers until I tried to pick them up with a paper towel and they became air born.  As I am not a fan of ants, I was freaking out and somewhat oblivious to the rest of the chaos occurring around me, thinking only of exterminators and getting rid of the ants.

It puzzles me that my subconscious is hashing and rehashing impossible scenarios for Thanksgiving this early in the year.  Though ours are always chaotic, but in a fun way, and I'm freakish about getting certain things done ahead of time (especially defrosting the turkey!), my subconscious worries are unfounded. We even decided that though the kids have moved to San Diego, they would be back for Thanksgiving, Heather for sure, though it looks like Mathom will be somewhere at sea, cooking dinner for about 6,000 people this Thanksgiving.

For now, I'll just keep documenting the dreams as there may be something I can use in one of my stories!

Although I ended up spending  more time talking than dancing tonight, by the time I left, I was, once again, feeling somewhat disconnected.  Driving home, I saw the big, beautiful just-past-full moon in the sky and that was where I did feel connected.  For some reason right now (and it could be just because of the full moon), my Spirit seems to want to commune with the mysteries and feminine energy the moon evokes rather than with my fellow humans.

I suspect that my connection will shift again as the Moon wanes. I was going to include a picture of the Moon card from my Spiral Tarot deck, but am having communication issues between my printer/scanner and my computer.  I'm sure there's a message in this too, but I will have to wait to see what it might be.

Meanwhile, my gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I can dredge up some patience when I need it.
2. I am grateful for synchronicities.
3. I am grateful for change as it keeps me sharp.
4. I am grateful that I know when to give in and call the cavalry.
5. I am grateful that I don't have to be up any earlier than I choose to.

Love and light.