Welcome to my Journey

Hello, and welcome to my Journey. Over the last few years I have been learning more about my personal journey, my Path and my Soul Purpose. The further I travel, the easier I find it to share my journey with others, and to learn from their journeys as well. The most recent evolution has caused me to expand my Universe and allow more people access to my travels, as well as allowing me access to more people, their travels and what they have learned as they walk their own paths. Feel free to share your journey here as we all have much to learn in our lives as Divine Beings having a Human experience.

Love and Light.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

April 30, 2011 Sweat ceremony tonight!

Tonight I get to see an old friend from high school and participate in a sweat ceremony.  I'm very excited about seeing the old friend, and both excited and nervous about the sweat ceremony because, although I've done some reading, I don't entirely know what to expect.  I suspect that my practice with meditation will allow me to get more out of the ceremony because I've learned to let go and allow Universal Mind to guide me, so in that regard, I'm very excited.  Now, how I'm going to handle sitting on the ground for long periods in a very hot enclosure remains to be seen. (but thankfully, all of the extreme body temperature fluctuations of menopause are behind me now!)  Last night, I made a big bowl of gazpacho as my contribution to the evening, fortunately remembering in time to go to the farmer's market for fresh tomatoes and some of the other veggies I needed.  I had to get the rest at Whole Foods (which is probably almost as fresh, though not quite right out of the fields!) for some things but the basil and the tomatoes were from the farmer's market so all's good.  I only hope that heeding Heather's advice and using nearly 1/4 cup of basil instead of the two teaspoons isn't going to overpower the brew!  Granted, I always overdo the garlic and, in truth, probably use more veggies than the original recipe requires, so it'll probably be fine. 

Naturally, because it's Saturday and I wanted to sleep in a bit, Toby had to practice his musical skills around 6 AM.  I tried really hard to convince him to come snuggle, but his interests lay elsewhere, and as a result, so did he and his little partner in crime, Loki, when they found themselves on the dark side of my closed bedroom door!  Thankfully, Mr. Dylan was curled up on the floor and was quite happy to climb up on the pile of pillows for some one-on-one Mama lovin's.  Just as he jumps up on my desk as soon as I sit down at the computer.  In a way, I think he's participating in this writing process, so it's going to be interesting doing it without him while I'm in Sedona. 

Card of the Day:  Three of cups.  (another repeater!)
I see:  Three women dressed in gowns of gold raise their chalices in celebration  as they dance in a field of ripe pumpkins.  They are united by many factors, not the least of which is the harvest, but there is clearly a strong kinship between them which is deep rooted and the product of many years.
I feel:  Strong bonds extend beyond mere human lifetimes and draw souls together time and again, to learn lessons, strengthen bonds and accomplish tasks set by the Universe.  At times, the souls meet to resolve old issues, and at others, to carry out some sort of mission which may span many lifetimes to be fully accomplished.  At others, they simply meet because they are parts of a whole. 
I think:  Lately, I have been reconnecting with people from my past who bring back fond memories of simpler times.  Tonight I see an old friend with whom I spent many hours hiking, talking and just being a kid learning the world.  Next weekend, I get to see another old friend who I remember most for her beautiful singing voice in French class.  Thinking of both of these women who have now made wonderful lives for themselves instantly brings a smile to my face.  But the one I'll see tonight, as I have been following snippets of her life via Facebook, makes me think "Earth Mother".  She is very in tune with Mother Earth, growing her own food, keeping chickens for their eggs, holding sweat ceremonies on her ranch, and otherwise, positively influencing others.  She is a teacher in the true sense of the word, and not just because she has "Phd" after her name.  I welcome the opportunity to learn from her as well. 

I can see that what has been on my mind the last couple of days, or really longer, is seeing Bea and participating in the sweat ceremony tonight.  Although I'd never have embarked upon this, left to my own devices, the kids' Anthropology project is giving me an amazing opportunity.  Although a lot of the meditation techniques I've experienced are based on Indian influences as in the country, India, there are definitely other cultures who utilize meditation in other forms to the same purpose, and the Native Americans are certainly one which is heavily connected to Universe and to the Earth. 

As I sit here in my messy office, I look around at all of the things I want to clear out in order to get ready for the changes coming to my life.  I want to clear more clutter, organize what remains and just clean everything up.  I remember listening to a speaker saying that after taking her classes, you wouldn't watch tv any more.  I think that my viewing time has already decreased by doing my own thing, and there will definitely come a point where it's very low on my list of priorities, although, frankly, I will always appreciate a little down time, be it watching tv, reading a book or just snuggling with my cats (although both of the prior activities are usually done with a cat or three nearby, much as my writing almost always includes Dylan on my desk, if not someone else in the room as well) 

But I need to get on with my day so that we can be on the road when I'd planned to be.   Still debating whether or not to take the laptop (knowing me, I probably will as I'm sure I'll have thoughts I want to get down tonight or tomorrow morning that I don't want to wait until I've made the 2 hour drive home to record!)

Love and Light.

Friday, April 29, 2011

April 28, 2011 Connecting with others who share my experiences.

Card of the Day:  Four of Wands  A card of celebration
I see:  A couple standing under a bower of flowers held up by four posts (almost like a chupa except for the church in the background) exchanging their vows on a beautiful, clear day.  A child plays in the background, watched over by two women who are waving to her.  Flower petals litter the ground at the couples' feet and the hillside behind them is healthy and green.
I feel:  Another sign of new beginnings.  What is more obvious than a couple embarking on a life together?  The cycle of life, birth, marriage, birth again, and finally, the human part dies, releasing the soul to go to another life, learn more lessons, increasing the Universal mind even more.  Everything we learn causes Universal mind to grow, even though someone else may have learned the same thing before.  All knowledge is there for the taking, but when someone utilizes that knowledge and in utilizing it, makes something out of it, the world as we know it continues to expand, endlessly.
I think:  This is just another reminder that my new beginning is going to be successful and influential and meaningful.  There is some kind of pairing involved, perhaps just my humanness with my divineness, but the pairing is important and will strengthen both parts which are joined.

Interesting how my daily cards are very positive and empowering lately.  I can feel myself growing and connecting more strongly with the Universe every day.  My heart fills with joy as I think about all that is coming into my life simply by opening myself to the Universe and listening to what it wants me to know.

As today went on, it really started hitting home that a week from tomorrow, I'll be in Sedona and truly embarking on the next phase of my life.  I'll be making more spiritual connections, but above all, I'll be starting my book!  My passion for this project increases daily, but I know that at some point, I need to connect with other people who have lost immediate family members in this truly devastating way.  I need to talk to them about what they felt and more, how they dealt with those feelings, if they found closure and comfort, or if they still struggle to understand and to forgive themselves for something which was beyond their control.  So I need to find a way to connect with those people and ask them to share their stories with me.  That is the part a. to my purpose right now.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

April 27, 2011 Better late than never

Because I have been in proposal hell for the last 3 days, this post is coming out quite late in the day, but it is still being written.

So I was trying to describe how my arm has been tingling lately to my Chiro, and I compared it to the energy transfer thing Barb does with my massages.  He says, "Oh, you're into that too?  I wasn't sure, but now that I know, I can incorporate the energy transfer and some other healing things into your treatments".  I can understand how he would be cautious about mentioning a more spiritual approach to healing unless he's sure a patient is receptive.  Some people would consider it very weird, run out the door and look for another practitioner.  I am very lucky in that I'm really not going to lose anything I would consider important by being open about my beliefs these days.  Granted, there were a lot of years where that wasn't the case, and the fact that more and more people are getting away from the monotheistic, male dominated religions which make a more open and less dogmatic viewpoint more accepted makes it easier on a lot of us.  But I can't see a CPA, a doctor or a lawyer being too open with clients until they were sure that the clients were either receptive or at least nonjudgemental.   So in a lot of ways, my career path has allowed me to do and be things I would otherwise have had to suppress.  But as a result, I've found that if I feel an ache or pain or a bit of discomfort, I remind my body that it's natural state is one of wellness and to stop whining and be well!  If nothing else it makes me smile and the joyfulness makes the pain go away, so it's all good.

Card of the Day:  King of Wands (ok, this is the third time for this guy!  I'm beginning to think that the Universe is trying very hard to tell me something!)
I see:  A bearded man crowned in gold, garbed in reds and golds holds a staff in his right hand and a seedling in his left.  His arm rests on his tame dragon who tries very hard to look ferocious.  Red and yellow flowers grow in wild abandon over his right shoulder as he gazes outward.
I feel:  First and foremost, this guy is coming up a LOT lately, so there's clearly some significance.  Either his characteristics are somehow indicative of where I'm going, or there is a man coming into my life, or, for that matter, already in my life who shares his qualities and who will have a major impact on the next few months.  According to one of the Tarot lesson sites I've used, the characteristics include charismatic, creative, inspiring, bold and forceful.  I'm definitely inclined to believe this is an indication of someone coming into my life, but it could also be indicative of the creative endeavor I am launching in another week.  If nothing else, these are definitely qualities I value both in others and in myself.
I think: The neon sign has lots of bulbs in it now.  If there were any doubts that I was on the right track, they should all be dispelled after the third occurrence of this card.  And interestingly, it means something a little different each time I see it.  Which, I believe, is part of the point of this card of the day exercise.  To see different things in the cards, and to be able to read the different stories that they can tell.  I am reminded of a dream I had recently where a man just looked at 8 cards and was able to weave an entire scenario out of them.  I was awestruck, but also determined to be able to ultimately do the same.  And that will only come with practice, and doing a card of the day and really getting to know the cards is the route I must travel. 

Heather wants to move out by the end of the summer, and has already looked into rooms to rent and alternative car insurance.  I want to tell her that she's making a huge mistake and that her part time job will not support her, but I also know that she has to figure some things out for herself.  I did ask her to pare back her plans for work on the house, and although it upset her, I trust she'll abide by my decision.  She doesn't need to tie up her entire summer working on a house she won't even be living in to enjoy the fruits of her labor.  I don't think she really realizes what a big job tearing out brick and painting is going to be.  And she needs to have some time this summer to just play.  In the meantime, having the house completely to myself and the furballs will give me more time to focus on writing my book, I suppose.  And I do want to make sure I do some writing every day, even if I end up trashing half of what I put down.  The habit of writing every day is very important to me right now, and allowing myself to miss a day will only make it harder to keep going until the book is complete.  As it is, my life is filling up with commitments so I need to make those early and late alone times very special and filled with writing.  I find that if I sit down, I'll usually come up with a few things to say, even if many of them are just inanities.  Soon, more of what I write will be something worth reading, and worth publishing too.

Love and light.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

April 26, 2011 The gifts of the Universe give me the strength and ability to fulfill my Soul Purpose.

Just as it was an "Aha moment" which made me aware that I had to write a book about my experiences with suicide, it is the same source which keeps me moving forward, setting goals for myself, dropping pithy paragraphs into my brain which I rush to add to my growing (if somewhat disjointed) list of paragraphs which will ultimately find their way into the finished product.  The road I am on is running downhill and is getting steeper as the days go by, to the point where I couldn't get off this road if I wanted to right now.  I can see, way in the distance, that it eventually levels out, but I have a long way to go before that happens. 

Card of the Day:  Three of Wands (a new one, but we continue with the wand theme which is indicative of action and new endeavors)
I see:  A well dressed woman stands in a hilltop gazing out across a large body of water.  She holds onto a vine draped post with two others standing behind her.  The ground at her feet is well-tilled and alive with plants flowering in preparation for bearing fruit.  The day is clear with just a scattering of wispy clouds in the distance, and boats are visible in the water, perhaps fishing boats? 
I feel:  Fruitfulness is evident but that doesn't mean that one should not continue to look to the future for additional opportunities for growth and expansion.  When initial endeavors are thriving, new challenges will only make the fruits of our current labors sweeter.  We set goals and before they are fully achieved, we move the bar so that we constantly strive for a higher place.  And the Universe places those opportunities far enough out of reach that we need to exert some effort, yet close enough that we don't get discouraged by the amount of effort required to achieve our goals.
I think:  I am currently juggling several opportunities, but none is taking up too much of my time to the exclusion of the others.  In some ways, in fact, one may provide insight into another, so the multiple goals make achieving each one easier for the knowledge obtained while working each one.  Also, some of those goals will provide the financial freedom I need to work on others which won't actually produce for awhile yet.  Reducing my concerns over financial requirements will allow the creative side to proceed without concern over more mundane matters.

Yes, I'm on the right track.  I wake each day, excited to do some writing, and each day, the ideas flow more and more freely.  I am consistently grateful for the fact that my typing skills are up to the task, as the ideas are flowing so quickly right now that, if it weren't for my ability to type almost as fast as I think, I'd have to certainly resort to a tape recorder, and I find it much easier to type what I want to say, than to try to verbalize it clearly enough to put it on tape.  Was the Universe at work years ago when it put bbs'ing in my life where I learned to type very quickly while letting my brain focus on multiple ideas, tasks and conversations?  Was that just practice for what would come later in my life?  It does make me wonder, but then, life is full of wonder if your eyes, mind and heart are open to receiving it.  I drive to work every day, and am filled with wonder with the beauty unfolding on the hillsides along the freeway.  More and more flowers and various kinds of plants are visible each day.  I particularly enjoy the random patches of yellow from wild mustard as it picks a spot and spreads out.  It's like a patch of sunshine in a field of green. 

I'm looking at my tarot decks, trying to decide which one(s) will go with me to Sedona.  I know I'll take the newer Spiral deck but I think Sedona will be a great opportunity to start using one or more of the other decks too.

And a long, productive day working from home (after working until 2am this morning, I was NOT going into the office!).  Finally finished up around 8 so the rest of the night is MINE!  Dylan enjoyed parking on my desk while I worked.  I could almost hear him thinking "Mom, this works for me.  You should do this every day!"  But I'd need to figure in some getting up, getting out and moving time, because I'm too liable to sit at my desk all day and just be productive.  I know!  Set aside 10-12 for gym time!  Yessir, that would work for me!  Now I just have to make it happen!  Hear that, Universe?  Work from home, 2 hours of gym each day, this works!  OK, so the idea has been cast!

Love and light.

Monday, April 25, 2011

April 25, 2011 I am one with the Universe. All is as it should be.

Today I'm exploring and experiencing the concept of being one with the Universe.  On the largest scale, this means that I am never alone.  All I need do is connect to Source.  And to connect to Source, all I need do is let go and be.  It's that simple.  As humans, we tend to complicate things, and from our complications, learn more about letting it go.  Some people would say, "let go, let G-d".  But as that concept doesn't feel comfortable to me, I refer to the Universe instead.  It's not so much disbelieving as not feeling comfortable with a single, male-like deity.  To me, the Universe is souls and souls do not have gender.  Gender is merely a human condition (or animal, as the case may be).  Our Divine selves have human experiences in both genders over the eons.  Our souls are not anthropomorphic.  They only experience human characteristics when in human form, but never actually take them on.

Ok, enough of they heavy duty spirituality.  Time for today's card of the day.

Card of the Day:  King of Wands (another repeater!)
I see: A crowned man garbed in robes of reds and golds sits up very straight as he observes his world.  in his right hand, he holds a staff and in his left, a seedling.  His right arm rests on the back of a small dragon who is restrained by a leash though he doesn't really seem to require restraint as he stands by this man of his own free will.  Red and gold flowers bloom in abundance behind him and a river flows past on which a longboat sails. 
I feel: A sense of abundance, of being safe and protected.  A sense of community.  This man leads his people with compassion and encouragement to do and be whatever they dream.  Whatever and whoever he touches thrives.
I think:  This is the Universe.  If we become one with it, we are safe and protected and we thrive.  there are no limits on what we can achieve.  Once we begin, our ideas and our efforts are fertile and bear much fruit.  We cannot fail as long as we maintain our connection to Higher Mind.

Guess I can't fight with the Universe.  It wants me to connect today and won't take "no" for an answer!

I just zoned out, reliving our wonderful dinner last night of grilled Ahi, artichokes and potatoes.  Mega yum!  And I didn't even have to cook!  Heather did a great job along with her able assistant.  Scooby wanted to assist too, and got himself locked in the bathroom for his trouble.  Silly cat!

I really had to talk myself into leaving the house this morning.  First, I woke up a bit queasy which isn't really all that unusual.  So I reminded myself that I'd feel better after a shower.  Then I put my contacts in and my eyes kept burning.  Again, I reminded myself that they would settle down soon.  So I did finally get myself out the door, much to Loki's and Munchkin's dismay.  Neither of them could understand why I didn't just stay home and pay attention to their ever-so-worthy selves!  It's a tossup lately as to who is louder and more insistent.  Of course, in Loki's case, her yammering is mostly about how much we're starving her, which is especially hard to believe when she's just inhaled half a can of food with Toby's help.  And it does no good to remind them all that if I don't go to work, they might just starve as they are not inexpensive to feed, clothe and otherwise support.

I'm really getting excited about starting my book and can hardly hold myself back now, but just as I write every day, the starting of my book has been given a point in time and I intend to stick to it as, in the long run, I believe that it will have a really solid beginning by doing it according to my schedule.  Granted, I keep jotting things down which will ultimately become part of the book, and I believe I have my opening paragraphs, but to actually sit down, set up the page format, and begin to write needs the start I am giving myself.  I see it as an enormous gift, the trip to Sedona to meditate, hike and write.  It's not that I don't do little things for myself, but to me, this is huge.

Heather texted me this morning to tell me they'd filled the vacant manager's position with someone from outside of Petsmart entirely.  It means that there won't be any promotions for the current staff and I feel bad for them all, but sometimes, no, usually, there's a reason things fall as they do, and in the long run, everyone will be better off.  But when you're down in the trenches, it's not always possible to see that.  But as one with the Universe, the grander plan is being followed, and though Heather isn't there right now, I know that she will go with the flow and everything will work out for her soon.  One can only hope that the new manager is better at scheduling and will pay attention to everyone's availability!  If anything, the guy who did it last week did a worse job than Louie!

Got my first migraine since I'd been seeing the new chiro.  Why, you ask?  I'm not particularly stressed.  And then it hit me.  I ate two plastic eggs full of jelly beans from the easter basket Heather gave me!  The sugar clearly did NOT agree with me!  Won't be doing THAT again any time soon.  Thankfully, had an appointment with the chiro today who did some pressure things along with my adjustment so I'm much better this afternoon, but I guess dancing is out tonight, for that and because I'll be working late on some stuff that isn't going to happen today while I wait for someone else's piece of the number crunching puzzle to arrive.  One thing for certain, life is never dull.  And I'm reminded of a small piece of a dream last night in which someone was instructing me to just breathe deeply and slowly.  Could it have been a precursor to what I would need to do today?  Whether or no, I'm remembering now and just keep breathing! 

And I've decided that me and my bright red car must be invisible today as people keep getting in my path as if I'm not there.  Or maybe there's some sort of magnetic attraction because I'm more conscious of my oneness with all that is, all that was and all that will be?  It's sure making me ultra aware of what's around me today, though!  I'd rather not be quite that one with some of these people!!!

And after all of this was written, one of my staff brought up the concept of the single deity which she, too, finds hard to believe.  She mentioned being in line at Chipotle listening to an English girl saying that the trouble with Americans is that they want to put G-d into everything.  How true!  But, the good thing about being an American is that even though our beliefs aren't mainstream, we don't have to hide out to follow them, discuss them, or otherwise live our own experiences in accordance with what feels right inside ourselves.  For example, I really love country music but when they started doing church-y songs on the Girls Night Out special, it didn't matter how wonderful the singer was, I exercised my right to change the channel.  They are entitled to their beliefs and they're entitled to sing songs about them, but I'm entitled to turn them off when they do and listen to something (or nothing) else.

Love and light.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

April 24, 2011 Easter for some, just another Sunday for me :) and feeling very empowered! I am woman, hear me ROAR!

Woke up this morning to Loki insisting that she was being starved and abused, very, very loudly!  She looks like a Norwegian Forest Cat but I'd swear she has some Siamese in her, with that voice!  As she'd already been warned that I was going to sleep in this morning, she found her noisy self outside my bedroom door immediately thereafter.  No worries, she went and annoyed Heather instead!  Even the vet says she looks as healthy if not healthier than most cats he sees!  She needs to work on her story as she lacks credibility with the one she's telling.  Meanwhile, Dylan and Patches were quite happy to have her out of the way because it meant more attention for them!  It seems that it's a day for animals all over to feel neglected.

Card of the Day:  Knight of Cups
I see:  A young man gazes deeply into a chalice from which rays of light are emitted.  He wears a purple cloak and a sword at his hip in a scabbard of blue decorated with red roses.  He stands at the edge of a lake in which he is reflected.  His horse stands behind him, drinking from the lake and both are flanked by two yellow flowered bushes and two heavily leaved trees.  A frog sits on a lily pad next to an as yet unopened flower and one in full bloom.  The man is dressed in chain mail as if he is about to leave for battle.
I feel:  The man knows that he must leave someone special behind, but the battle he is fighting is of utmost importance to him and to his kingdom.  Both he and his horse are well-trained and ready to do what must be done but he seeks to improve the odds of returning safely with whatever is contained in the chalice, love and light, perhaps?  He will also take the peacefulness of this place with him as a reminder of what he fights to preserve.
I think:  Some things are simply worth fighting for.  We try, whenever possible, to resolve issues peacefully and harmoniously, but not everyone sees the world as we do, realizing that, just by asking the Universe, everything you want and need will be there for you.  Instead, they feel that they need to take what others have, thinking that it will be what they want and need when the reality is, each of us has what WE want and need, not what will be a good fit for anyone else.  So there are people who keep taking from others and are never satisfied with what they get, while those who have things taken can see that if it was taken from them, it was because they didn't really need it any more and can move on to what is more important now.  A kind of cosmic decluttering, maybe?  However, there is a time and a place to take a stand and protect what is not only ours, but our family's, our community's, our Earth's.

A night of very interesting, bizarre dreams.  But at one point, I dreamt that I had laid out eight tarot cards in two rows of four and was trying to interpret them.  A man came along and read things in the cards which were very detailed and specific.  I was amazed and wondered how he was able to see what he saw in that spread of cards.  I assumed that he had spent years training and practicing to reach the level of proficiency he'd achieved, and vowed to do the same.  Although I don't remember what he said, I do remember that some of it was disturbing to me.  The dream segued into one in which a man in a police officer's uniform stopped me and wouldn't let me pass, although others traveling the same road were continuing on, unobstructed.  We ended up inside a building with many doors and mechanical devices.  He told me that if I could get out of the building before he caught me, he'd let me go.  But none of the doors led to the outside, and many did not open.  When he caught up with me, I slugged him in the stomach, dead center of his blue plaid shirt, and ran away.  I saw a lot of people coming and going, and somehow realized that in order to escape, I had to change my mindset.  So I imagined myself as a tourist who had come to visit this place but had a life, a job and responsibilities to get to, and suddenly, I was part of a crowd of people walking through amusement park-style gates.    The building appeared to be the basement of a large corporation which was completely out of tune with anything which didn't fit in with their image of the world.  When told that one of their people had gone missing, they insisted that it couldn't possibly be so, and transferred callers to inappropriate people, like the VP of new business who had a huge tank in his office with an octopus and crocodiles living together.  (I never claimed that this would make sense!)  At one point, he was suddenly inside the tank and the octopus ate him.  Then his wife came looking for him, shot the octopus in the head and cut her husband out of the octopus' belly, only to have the crocodile come after them both.  Fortunately, I didn't stay around to observe the outcome of that little tete a tete.

I feel that there is a lot of imagery in this dream sequence and will probably see more as the day goes on, as I see things in the dream somehow relating to my life.  I look forward to unwinding this one.

So Sunday breakfast and grocery shopping are behind me, and I have the rest of the day to work on a project for a friend/business associate, and get the garage ready for my rat hunters. 

And I'm so jazzed!  My rat "friends" will soon be history.  Cinders and Hailey will be coming to live with us as soon as they have their rabies shots, and I hear they are hunters extraordinaire!  Best find safer quarters, rats!

I had to add on to this because I just got a lot done to ready the garage for the cats (although, where in the name of all that's holy I put the screws for the shop vac is anyone's guess!).  I would have done more, but Heather decided to do some decluttering of her own this week and filled up the trash can before I could get to it.  But I can't help feeling that all of this decluttering is not only clearing out a lot of things we don't need any more, but it's also empowering to actually let go of things I once thought I might need someday.  I can look at my garage now and think that I know where I'm going to put the cage for the cats until they get used to the idea that this is their new home, where I'm going to store all of the things I buy in bulk that were so scattered I didn't even know what I had (ok, so I have about 12 boxes of kleenex right now!  at least I know not to buy any more!)  As soon as the trash cans are free again, I'll get rid of shampoo I'll never use again, canned goods that are way past their expiration date (and thanks to the new cabinet Heather not only went and got for me, but assembled AND strapped to the wall, I can organize, find things AND keep them away from my furry little scavengers (a moment of silence for the soon to be eaten!).  Hmmm, looked at the clock at 1:11 and now, 5:55.  Wonder if there's any significance there?  5's in tarot tend to be times of challenge which will be overcome and 1's, well, new beginnings is the name of my world for 2011!) 
Love and Light.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

April 23, 2011 Another day, another sunrise, a new beginning.

How can a day be bad when it includes one of Barb's amazing massages?  It just can't!  It's beautiful here in the neighborhood, a few clouds but they're so pretty!  Met a woman at Barb's who'd written a book herself and we spoke for a few minutes, after her ahhhhhhh meditation and before mine.  Synchronicity at it's finest!  She confirmed that I'm on the right track in establishing a routine of writing every day, no matter how little or how much.  She also recommended a book I'll have to look for, although she said it sounds like I'm already beyond what it might teach me.  But there are always little gems to be picked up, so I'll find The Artist's Way and give it a read!  Maybe on the plane?

Card of the Day:  Ten of Pentacles (again) 
I see: A husband, wife and three small children with previous generations spread out behind them.  They are surrounded by pentacles/coins and pomegranate trees as signs of their abundance and prosperity.  Distant past generations are shown as being faded and surrounded by stars instead of pomegranate trees, and a spiral indicates a continuous path which can keep growing endlessly.
I feel:  I am a link to the past as much as I am a link to the future.  Where I come from is just as important as where I'm going.  In carving out my future, I need to understand those who came before me, where they came from and what made them the people they came to be.  But more, I need to understand how the souls I connect with in each lifetime are there by design, not by coincidence, and to understand why we weave ourselves in and out of each others' many lifetimes.
I think:  In writing my book, it is likely that I will have to look back at prior generations to get a better feel for what made my parents tick, and what led them to some of the choices they made.  I also need to be aware that those souls will be met again at some point in the future.

Once again, this card literally jumped out of the deck.  I find it very interesting that in a very short span of time, I'm seeing cards come up multiple times.  I believe if I look back that this is the third card to come up at least twice.  The Universe seems to have given up on subtlety and is just whacking me over the head.  The neon signs are bigger, brighter and more obvious than ever before.  I already see myself sitting on the balcony of my hotel room in Sedona typing for long periods of time.  It occurred to me today that I might want to get a bigger keyboard to attach to my laptop to make my hours of typing a little more comfortable.  This will be one of my errands for the next week or so.  As Dylan jumps up on my desk, I realize that it will be the first time I'm writing without one of my furry friends on the desk or chair beside me while I conjure.  I suppose I might find a stand in while I'm there, as I have on so many occasions while traveling, but it won't be my babies.  They have a special bond with me that a stranger won't.  But the comfort factor would still be there.  I really would take Dylan if I didn't think the trip would be too stressful for him, as he'd probably be happier staying by my side than being left behind. 

OK, I've hit a road block or a brain block, whatever the case may be and my fingers are no longer flying across the keyboard.  I want to do a meditation before I go out dancing tonight, so I guess this is the time to do it (not that I didn't hit the zone while I was having my massage, but it's a lot different when I just go off into that world with no outside influences, aside from the cats who think they need to be involved in everything I do these days! 

Love and light.

Friday, April 22, 2011

April 22, 2011 I can see clearly now, the pain is gone! Oops, spoke too soon!

Woke up this morning and my shoulder is feeling wonderful!  I don't know if time just healed all wounds, or if the Turmeric is really doing a good job!  Either way, it's nice to be out of pain once again, although my sleep was restless last night.  I talked to a couple of the dance crowd last night about using meditation to calm "Monkey Mind".  I think mine was sneaky and was way down deep in my subconscious so I wasn't aware it was still swinging from the trees.  But I got off work at noon, ran a couple of errands and treated myself to sushi, so after I finish writing, I think I'll give Munchkin a treat, lay down on the bed and meditate for an hour or so. 

Card of the day:  Eight of cups.  (this draw was interesting because I was actually cutting further down the deck and this one just sort of forced me to cut where it lay)
I see:  A woman in a flowing nightdress stands beneath what appears to be a pomegranate bush, gazing out a window at the night sky.  Seven chalices are stacked one upon another behind her, while an eighth seems to hover in midair, just above the window ledge.  She glances over her shoulder into the room, though what she's looking at, or looking for, is unclear.  A full moon hangs amidst a nest of stars in the night sky. Tendrils of the pomegranate bush curl around her neck and shoulders, in an almost protective fashion.
I feel:  There is a point of indecision.  Am I doing the right thing?  Am I not?  In choosing this cup to drink from, am I missing something important in one of the others?  Is this the time to take a step from innocence to wisdom?  Or is it not wisdom at all, but a lesson to be learned coupled with some pain? 
I think:  I'm standing on the threshhold of something new, something different, something that will change my life in a significant way.  I'm not sure that the choices I'm making are the right ones, but I do know that no choice would be the wrong one.  Whatever happens, I need to choose an option and take the first step forward.  What happens next is yet to be determined. 

Again, a slow start, but when the words started flowing, it was an avalanche.  And I found myself thinking today that when I go to sedona I'll need to take one of my tarot card decks so I can continue this blog even while I'm working on my book.  Although part of the purpose of the blog is just to get me into the habit of writing something every day, however small (though lately, I guess my fingers and brain aren't really into "small") so that writing is just a habit, a part of my daily activity like brushing my teeth or taking my vitamins.  And I think I've accomplished what I set out to do as I feel cheated if I don't get at least a little bit of writing and my ACIM lesson in every day.  And I have a very vivid picture of myself sitting on the balcony of my room in Sedona, laptop in front of me, typing away.  I can almost feel the breeze teasing my hair as I lose myself in the story.  I believe I have my opening paragraphs, but I'll have to put them in place and see how it flows.  I've also decided that it will be a good idea to take my thumb drive along to back things up as I go.  Maybe because I got an email from a friend saying she'd dropped her laptop and, fortunately, had a backup of it from just a few days before the catastrophe.  And memo to self, do not store the flash drive in the laptop case.  It's sort of like backing up your computer system in case of fire, then storing the backup disks next to the computer.  Kind of pointless as if one goes, they both go! 

Well, the Universe is really knocking me around this week.  Shoulder, rash on my leg, then review and small raise, waking up with shoulder and leg feeling better, short but busy work day, found something to wear for the sweat ceremony...feeling good, right?  And now, I don't know whether to cry or puke, so I'm doing some cleaning, and will likely be up very late tonight (or early tomorrow as the case may be).  After being told that she was failing the Physics class she was taking for the third time, I told my daughter that she'd have to pay rent as of June 1 as the free ride was over, since I didn't feel she was really applying herself to her classes.  I also told her to go see a counselor and reassess her goals towards something she might actually put the effort into to succeed.  Her reaction was to spend the last two nights at her boyfriend's house (with his mother and sister).  She came by a couple of times while I was at work to do some cleaning, and then today to tell me that she was considering moving out because she felt that it was time to behave like an adult.  I pointed out that that was why I told her she'd pay a nominal, yet, in my mind, affordable rent to me.  She thinks moving into her boyfriend's mother's house would be more adult.  On the one hand, I'd be able to spend more of my paycheck on myself as I wouldn't be buying her clothes and food, taking her out to various concerts and other functions and uncountable incidentals, on the other hand, my car insurance would go up a bit, and I'd have full responsibility for the cats, the trash and everything else around the house.  But the fact is, if she chooses this option, I'm going to really miss her.  I love her and she is usually a pretty good roommate, and I've gotten used to having her here.  I'd expected her to be here for at least another 3 or 4 years.  And of course, I'm going to have to deal with Scooby's depression because he is not going to be happy not having her here.  He's already moping some as she hasn't been here for him to sleep with at night.  Having her gone permanently and only visiting is going to wreck him.  She is his person, and that will never change.  He's been curling up on my bed with Munchkin when I leave for work, but it's just not the same for him.  I guess we'll get each other through this.  And hey, the house will stay cleaner with just me and the cats.  I'll be working on getting it to something like what I want to live with over the next few weeks.  We've both started decluttering, so it's just a matter of continuing with the process.  I sure hope I can opt for crying and cleaning because I don't want to think about bringing up the sushi I had for lunch!  That won't be pretty at all!  But the worst of it is, now I truly am alone.  Sad to say, my daughter was the only real friend I had.  I guess I'm just good at pissing people off and driving them away.  But there is a higher purpose to this, I'm sure.  I just need to find out what it is, and get myself on the path to that purpose.  Wallowing isn't going to do anyone any good (although cleaning will be a good thing, and if the energy continues, my garden may well be immaculate as well!).

I did a little research into the symbolism of the pomegranate and found that (which should have been obvious due to all of its seeds) it is, in most cultures, a symbol of fruitfulness and prosperity.  So, despite all of the emotional angst right now, there's apparently, abundance in the works.  A book sale, perhaps? :)

Anyway, thank you, Universe, for saving me from ennui.  I'm on an emotional roller coaster right now, but definitely not bored!

Love and light

Thursday, April 21, 2011

April 21, 2011 Finding my bliss

As I watched Munchkin indulging in her favorite morning pastime, kneading my body pillow, I realized that the look of sheer bliss she gets on her face while doing so is exactly what I'm striving for.  Cats get that without having to go through a whole lot of angst to get there.  Give them a human who gives them pets, cuddles, a warm place to sleep and plenty of food and water, and they're good.  Dylan has taken up a new practice lately as well.  He waits until I'm sitting down, then walks up my chest and just rubs his head and face all over my face, purring the whole time.  He, too, finds his bliss in simple things.  And therein lies the key.  It's not the big house or the fancy car, the designer clothes or the expensive jewelry.  It's the simple things.  A comfy chair, warm friendships, family, a beautiful day.  And here is where I struggle.  At this stage in my life, I have no really close friendships, one daughter is estranged, the other is annoyed with me because I am choosing to stop enabling her.  The rest of my extended family went away either after Mom died, or, those hardy souls who remained, after Dad died.  So, in those rare moments when I indulge in self-pity (wretched as that indulgence is!) I find myself wondering if anyone would even notice (aside from my cats) if I just disappeared?   So maybe I need to edit my list of "simple things on the road to bliss"?  How about this:  A library full of books, a lounge chair in a quiet place, a warm day with a slight breeze, my cats frolicking in the yard or laying on the warm ground at my feet, a laptop to capture the literary gems flowing freely from my brain.  Yes, that definitely brings a smile to my face!

Card of the day:  Ten of Pentacles (What an interesting pick after my little tirade above as this is the card of family and community)
I see a man, his wife and three young children behind whom stand his parents with he and his brother when they were young, behind whom stand the previous generation, slightly faded, and the impression that, if the card were larger, there would be past generations extending back a long ways.  The current family is surrounded by verdant green rose bushes, full of bright red blooms.  His parents' bushes are faded and the blooms are pink, and as it goes back through the generations, the rose bushes become stars.  In the corner is a spiral, a symbol of the endlessness, a beginning, but no end, as the spiral continues to grow.
I feel:  Not only are we a product of what came before us, but we are also the future, what will come after.  The souls of our ancestors are always with us, guiding, teaching, protecting.  Even when we feel alone in the world, we need only pause for a moment and allow those ancestors to share with us their wisdom. I matter because I am part of the cycle and without me, the direction of the cycle would be entirely different.
I think: That despite the aloneness I feel right now, I really just need to go within to find that sense of belonging, of community that I am lacking at the moment.  It's always been there, it always will be there because, unlike our human forms, it doesn't die off and disappear.  Universal mind is always there but too often, we tune it out and don't give it a chance to give us a message we need.

With all of the negative energy I was attracting this morning, I was able to turn it around and have a pretty decent day.  By the time I left work to go dancing, I got green lights all the way, and even though I wasn't able to do as much dancing as I'd have liked, I visited with the regulars and did have a good time.  Arm and shoulder are still hurting some but I got over to Whole Foods and got some more Turmeric and it seems to be helping.  A little extra sleep won't hurt either, and I only have to work until 12 tomorrow, and then I can come home and do some cleaning.  Looks like I may get my ferals this weekend so the rats aren't long for this world.  I was in the garage this evening and heard one scampering around, and I'm still not sure that I'm not harboring kangaroos!  Talk about stomping around on very large feet!  No wonder they laugh at the traps.  They're not big enough!  

And, despite what I was feeling this morning, I am connecting with people.  It just takes time to build relationships and I have time to work on it.  Meanwhile, I have a bunch of things to accomplish this weekend, so sleep is definitely the first order of business.  A little bit shorter post today, but I have to save all of my good stuff for my writing marathon in a couple of weeks!

Love and light.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

April 20, 2011 Peace and good will to all

In re-reading last night's post it suddenly dawned on me that for a lot of the people who are now in my past, although I don't feel anything for them, per se, what I do feel is that I wish them well, whatever they're doing and wherever they are.  I don't wish them to come back into my life, at least unless they're supposed to for some purpose, but, maybe, as the song says, I wish them love.  Of course, there are some I'm still working on forgiving by forgiving myself my part in the interaction which resulted in some kind of negative emotion, be it hurt, anger, disappointment, insult, or anything else which does not need to continue to be carried.  But they are the ones who I have to keep reminding myself, when a negative thought comes up, to just send love and light to them on their own journey.  Even those who have passed on, shed their human experience for the moment.  Their journey continues and love and light will follow their spirit until they take on another human identity, and as such, they are probably more receptive to the love and light I send, as they are not bound by the constraints and perceptions we humans carry with us.  And I wonder, by sending that love and light to those who've passed, if I become more open to messages they might want/need me to receive?  Perhaps that is even part of why, at this time, I have decided to use my writing skills to share some of my experiences and the lessons I've learned, how I've learned them, and maybe even why.  And once again, my ACIM lesson is affecting my perceptions for today.  There truly is holiness in everything I see, be it with my eyes or with my spirit.  And that holiness is so big and all encompassing that it must be shared in how we interact with people, the things we say, how we treat the world as a whole, every creature, every life of any kind.

As the day wears on, I'm struggling to find the holiness in everything around me.  My daughter is, yet again, failing one of her classes, despite her assurance all semester that she was doing "fine" and she doesn't see how this is a lie.  My arm is still going numb with no apparent justification, aside from the injury I did my shoulder trying to put my weight on my arms to get out of a chair.  Pain in the shoulder has eased, but the arm still goes numb, though not weak.  I've also noticed that I'm feeling what I can only describe as "twitchy", as if I've had too much caffeine when, in fact, I've had about a half of cup of green tea all day, along with 3 bottles of water.  So, I set some ultimatums today, which I really don't like doing, was late to my Chiro appointment because my review ran long, and didn't feel that he was able to spend his usual amount of time with me as a result (of course, I was the one who was late, so I really can't blame him.  At least he still got me in!).

To sum up the afternoon:  Restless, twitchy, disappointed, tired and ready to go home and just lie on the bed with Dylan.

In hindsight, I should have known when not one, but two unhappy souls refused to let me merge on the freeway this morning that the day would have its challenges.  To try to clear out the muck, I'll do my card of the day here, then just post what I have and get ready for sleep.  My shoulder is aching more this evening, though the numbness in my arm has abated.  I guess I have one or the other.

Card of the day:  The Moon  (again!)
I see:  A wolf gazes adoringly at the Mother who holds a large white egg reverently.  Behind her sits the Crone with her head covered by a shawl and a torch in her hand.  Overlooking them both is the maiden wearing a gossamer robe which is open in front.  They are all framed by a large orb which is light on their right and dark on their left.  A group of vines surrounds the Mother's feet, bearing small, round, white flowers.  Within these vines sits a crab with it's claws lifted up towards the three women.  The astrological symbol for Pisces perches atop the Tree of Life while a Hebrew letter which resembles the letter "P" fills the upper left corner. The Crone's hand clutching the torch is an almost surreal, ghost-like white in contrast to the Mother and Maiden whose skin has a healthy, rosy glow.
I feel:  I am receiving suggestions to go further into myself at this time.  Introspection will be more valuable to me than socializing and sharing.  There is something within myself which needs to be brought to the surface, but it must be done slowly to ensure that it comes through intact.  My intuition will be invaluable right now, and I need to trust it to lead me in the right direction.
I think:  I am not alone right now but have womankind working with me to bring forth a secret which is ready to be told.  Although I am experiencing a certain amount of trepidation, when the moment is ripe, the fruit will be ready to be picked and cooked into the pie I am preparing to create.  The ingredients for this pie will come from many sources, but when combined together into one luscious dessert, will feed and satisfy all.

I'll have to pull up the interpretations I have done for this card and compare them one of these days.  I'm certain that they will all be quite different, despite the basic traits of the card which cannot be changed.  But for now, I see a bag of frozen corn laying on my shoulder. :)

Love and light.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

April 19, 2011 Passover

Interesting day although I overslept and thus, didn't get to do my ACIM lesson or write in my blog until now (11PM ish).  First, I got off the fence and booked the rest of my trip to Sedona.  Yay!  I'm looking forward to meditating, hiking and, above all, writing.

Second, Heather and I attended a Community Seder.  I haven't participated in a Seder in more years than I remember but this one, because of it's casualness and hominess, was really reminiscent of the ones my dad's family used to have.  I really liked how the seder itself had been re-written to encompass more recent events like the Holocaust and other cases of persecution and man's inhumanity to man.  There were a lot of correlations to the concepts of gratitude and compassion which I've been so aware of in the last few years.  Again, the Universe is opening my eyes to what has always been before me, but took me awhile to actually see.  On the way home, we were discussing the Seder and the concept of being a Divine Being having a Human Experience.  Heather said she'd heard that exact phrase in connection with Buddhism.  I'm sure it's common to several different belief systems, though.  It's just so basic to me, at least now.

Still having trouble with the shoulder I abused, and OTC pain meds are pretty much useless.  At dinner, Heather mentioned needing to take some turmeric for her knee and the little lightbulb went off in my head.  Took two when I got home and, Voila!  My shoulder feels much better!  The pain was bad enough, but when the arm and hand went numb, I was a bit concerned.  Will talk to the Chiro about it tomorrow.

Sitting here thinking about what to type next, and looked at the clock on the task bar to find that, once again, it's 11:11.  OK, Universe, you don't have to beat me over the head.  I get it.  Really!  Stomach is nervous but I think that all of the new endeavors are giving me a jumpy tummy.  It'll pass, if nothing else, by the time I board that plane!  I haven't been back to AZ since I ended things with Bill,and I honestly don't remember what year that was!  It wasn't important enough for me to remember dates, and heaven only knows, I don't remember the faces of any of the players any more.  Definitely a case where I walked away and, after a short time, didn't feel the need to look back any more.  I took the lesson and left the feelings behind.  Something I try to do in so many aspects of my life.  In some cases, it's really easy and in others, I need to put a little more effort and time into it.  Interestingly, it's a similar blank spot to the one I have for the girls' father.  I know the time happened, but it isn't even a memory any more.  It's just a spot in my life, like a dot on a map which doesn't even resolve itself into something tangible.  Funny how that works.  I know there was some pain at the time, and a lot of anger, but now, none of whatever was there seems to even be worth the bother.   Just a blip on the radar, like so many parts of my life that were painful at the time. 

I realize, though, that I've never really been in love yet.  That's not to say that it can't happen, merely that it hasn't.  Oh, I thought, in a case or two, and for an instant, that I might have been, but seriously, if I had been, they wouldn't be blank spots now.  There'd be some kind of fond memory, even if there'd been hurt.  I really have never given my heart to anyone, with no restrictions.  More to the point, I've never met anyone with whom I felt I really wanted to do so.  Maybe that's the whole "finding your soulmate" thing.  Once that occurs, you don't really think about whether or not you will, you just do.  To me, it would be like putting on an old, soft pair of jeans or a well broken in pair of shoes.  It's just comfortable and right and you don't analyze the rightness of it.  You just relax and enjoy the feeling.  Like a warm, soft bed after a long day.  You lay down, sink in, and your whole mind and body elicit an AHHHHHHHHH.  That's what I expect to find. 

Love and light.

Monday, April 18, 2011

April 18, 2011

Tax day for some.  I'm glad mine are done and gone.

Card of the Day:  Three of cups. (As I turned over this card, a smile lit up my face.  this is truly a card of celebration)
I see:  Three women standing in a pumpkin patch, arms linked and chalices raised.  They celebrate a bountiful harvest for which they are equally responsible.  Their gowns reflect the oranges, reds and yellows of their harvest.
I feel:  Bountiful joy and a feeling of shared success.  Combined efforts have yielded tremendous results which could not have been achieved had each worked independently.
I think:  Although we may feel that we work alone, everything we do, everything we touch is impacted by someone else, and can either be made better or worse, depending on how the others perceive the tasks at hand.  Community brings a lot to the table when combined efforts are needed to accomplish a larger task.

Although this is a joyful card, and brought out that reaction in me, I don't seem to find a lot to say about it.  Maybe my mind is just a bit sluggish this morning, despite being up for awhile.  This morning is rather overcast, and might be the cause.  I tend to function better when I wake up to a sunny day, even though, like most days, I want that five more minutes to curl up under the covers with my cats.

My mornings have changed a lot lately.  On the mornings when Heather has an 8 o'clock class, we usually actually have a few minutes to exchange a few words, share what our day entails and such.  It used to be that I'd get up and get ready, she'd sleep until the very last moment, then rush off to class.  And, admittedly, I'd sleep until the last moment too.  This morning writing is benefiting me in ways I'd have never imagined!  I truly appreciate my morning exchanges with my daughter.

Driving to work today, a dream I had last night/this morning was still thrumming through my brain which usually indicates that there's some significance, so I figured I'd better get it down as best I could.
The dream started with me living in a large house with some other women.  A man was stalking one of the women with the intention of killing her so we set a trap and caught him instead.  Upon being caught, he wanted to know how we'd managed to hide her, and someone said that all of the rooms in the house were very large and that the one we were in was one of the smallest.  (I'm not sure of the significance here, but as the comment is sticking in my brain, the only way I see to get it out is to write it down!)
In the second part of the dream, I was taking a dance lesson.  The lesson seemed to be some kind of couples' dance, and did not involve changing partners.  I was taking the lesson with a man who, in the beginning kept clutching the back of my coral colored blouse.  I finally told him that my shirt was not a handle and that he was throwing me off balance.  He then started leading correctly.  But a couple of things stand out from this dream.  The first is that one of the moves they were teaching us would not, as far as I can see, be possible to do as a couple as it involved putting one toe behind you and doing a 180, but as a couple so the woman started in the front and ended in the front.  I could see doing it and reversing positions, but not as it was being taught in the dream.  We were struggling with the move when they called a break.  I was about to ask one of the instructors for assistance when my partner suddenly realized that I was not the woman he'd spoken to the night before and decided he needed to leave.  I asked him how he could have confused us since she was taller than me, almost his height.  I also asked how he'd confused us if he'd been dancing with her and he said she'd refused to dance with him.  I then pointed out that she was almost eye to eye with him when they were talking.  He had no answer to that except to look embarrassed, and then he left although he did look kind of apologetic.  At this point the alarm was going off and the cats were demanding attention but it's odd that something like this would just stick with me, hours later.  I may be making something out of nothing, but have learned to pay attention when details of a dream won't go away.  Maybe now that I've written it down, the moment will pass. :)

So, I spent the evening at a dance class.  Maybe that's why dancing was part of my dream.  Who knows?  I got there early and there were only a few people there, mostly guys.  The place was dark, there was nobody at the door.  The only people there were Jen, the bartender, Trish, the waitress and Joan, the bookkeeper (also an amazing dancer!  If I could only move as fluidly as she does!)  There wasn't any music playing so the guys were standing in groups, talking.  I walked up to one group and told they reminded me of a high school dance where the boys stood on one side, the girls on the other, and the girls finally just started dancing with each other (which would have been tough as there were maybe 3 of us at that moment).  Needless to say, I got more dancing in than normal for me on a WCS night, as I started earlier!  Also got a Nightclub 2-step in that was a blast, if a bit fast.

I'm sitting here munching on a late night snack of apple, brie and gluten free crackers and letting my mind wander.  The trouble is, I let it wander too far and forgot what I was going to say!  Oh, yes, there's that silly thought!  Sedona.  I'm very close now.  I actually put together an itinerary on Expedia with flights and a rental car.  The only thing left to do is press the "book it" button and give them my credit card number!  All of my cheerleaders are saying "just do it!".  Heather has even offered to drive me to and from the airport. All of the signs I'm getting from the Universe say "go".  I know I'm using Dylan as an excuse but something I can't identify is still holding me back.  But I have to book no later than this Friday or the fares will get ridiculous.  I don't know if it's just the thought of committing myself to a weekend of solitude and writing (the hotel I'm staying at doesn't even have internet!)  or if I'm afraid I'm not ready to begin.  I just don't know.  I do know that I'll miss the kitties terribly, but it's only for a couple of days.  Could it be that my last experience with AZ is still giving me grief in some way?  I'm not going anywhere near where I'd been back then, other than the layovers in Sky Harbor, and the likelihood I'd run into anyone from that time in the airport is virtually nonexistent, especially since I just don't attract the same kind of people any more.    So, the question remains, what is holding me back???  I'm just going to have to do some serious meditating on the subject to get to the root of my problem, and then move on!  The question is, when?  Heather and I are going to a Passover Seder tomorrow night, I'd planned to go to the 2-step lesson on Wednesday, and I need to get the project done for Elisa as well.  Of course, I do NOT give up my Thursday night dancing for love or money!  But I will be home on Friday, but that's too late to make the decision.   I really want this resolved no later than Wednesday so I'll just have to make time! 

Enough babbling for tonight.  Time to go mull.

Love and light.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

April 17, 2011

I'm getting into a pattern lately.  I do my ACIM (and today's lesson is amazing!  "I could see peace instead of this" and will carry me through the day.  I plan to keep this in the front of my mind to alleviate even the pettiest of aggravations.) then come here and do my card of the day.  Afterwards, the words seem to flow pretty freely, as I'm averaging about 1300 words a day now!  Imagine what I could do if I was writing more hours a day!

Card of the Day:  Princess of Cups (This is the card I always think of as Heather's card)
I see:  A young girl or perhaps, a mermaid, sits on a seashell in the middle of the sea holding a large pearl. She has a far-away look on her face, and looks a little sad.  Her lyre floats, forgotten in front of her as a pair of dolphins cavorts behind her, her royal guards.
I feel: The sadness comes from a desire to do something which, at the moment is prevented, either by circumstances or parental decree.  She knows that if she waits it out, eventually, if she even still wants it, her desire will come to pass.  But it still saddens her that she is being thwarted, despite any valid reasons for it.
I think:  This, if indeed, it's Heather, could apply to so many things right now.  Finishing school and starting her career, moving into her own place, getting a promotion at work.  She has so many incredible things in front of her, but also, things which have to be accomplished first and I know, at her age, that it can be very frustrating to be unable to be where you want to be right now.  She also has dozens of projects she wants to be doing, and can only do so many things at a time.  Not the least of her challenges is her typical (and I hope she learns to get past it) month before finals stress out.  I know that, this semester, she's been studying long hours, going to peer tutoring to get each area where she doesn't feel 100% sure ironed out, having Mathom quiz her, and basically, doing all the right things, so I have no doubt that she'll do great on the finals, as long as she doesn't freeze up.  But she seems so much more positive about her classes this semester than I've ever seen her!  Like me, she's her own worst critic and her own worst enemy when it comes to succeeding, but between me and Mathom, this semester, for a change, she has her own corps of cheerleaders!  Go, Team Heather!!!!  I know that in a few years, she will be making enormous contributions to the field she's loved since childhood.

I guess Heather and her challenges was on my mind this morning, as the card was really all about her, although, I am at least peripherally involved. :)  She wants to accomplish so much, and sometimes, it's all about reigning her in to focus on less so she can be blazingly successful at all that she's taken on.  She has that wonderful youthfulness of wanting to do it all.  I also wish I could protect her from disappointments, yet, I know that the reality is that her disappointments as well as her successes mold her character and make her who she is.  They also teach her, along the way, just as mine taught me, that we don't always have to react to things which aren't as we think they should be.  And when all else fails, come home and cuddle with your cat.

Which is a great segue into an interesting dream last night.  I traveled to a foreign, perhaps Arabic, country with a man who, at first, seemed like he was going to kill off his siblings.  When we got there, we had to watch his two brothers who were in some kind of army, lying on the ground, dying of some unexplained ailment.  This prompted him to look around the small settlement trying to determine who was responsible.  There was some kind of martial law there, and if you didn't have a government issued tattoo on your arm, your movements were very limited.  He had a box containing various tokens and trinkets which allowed him access to places including the police station.  As I was a complete stranger to the country, I could only go where he went, otherwise, I was forced to remain in the town's center, and whenever I ventured out, armed guards forced me back.  Just at the edge of town was a building which was used to breed cats.  I was constantly drawn to this building and several cats were usually out on the grounds, and proved to be very friendly (could this have had something to do with Dylan sleeping on my head, Munchkin snuggled beside me and Loki walking across my body?).  Whenever I could, I would sneak away to just visit with the cats, and that always made me feel better.  At one point, my companion left the settlement to go in search of more information, leaving me there alone, thus, limiting my movements even further.  Sitting on a bench in the town's center, I had time to really look at my surroundings.  There were a series of bungalows on which was printed the building number (the one I recall most clearly was "Building 2") which had several doors leading into either rooms or full apartments.  I wasn't able to tell.  But each door was also numbered.  My companion eventually returned and I told him I hated him for leaving me there alone.  His trip had been successful, though, and he was able to identify the woman in the settlement who had killed his brothers.  At that point, Loki managed to turn my clock radio on to a rap station (don't ask me how!) and I woke up so I never learned the rest of the details.

As I sit here typing, Dylan is in his place on the desk, as he always is when I'm in here.  Loki, never one to be excluded, has actually settled down on the other chair.  I guess her tummy is finally full, though it took her share of a half can of wet food and another few minutes at the dry food bowl (from which she chased Dylan away with just a look!) before her round little tummy was finally satisfied.  Again I say, this is supposed to be a sick cat???  We need to talk to the vet about whether keeping her on the Azodyl is really doing anything any more. If not, why keep shoving pills down her throat?  We could just give her the potassium and be done with it.  I swear, she's going to outlive us all.  Of course, if what Dr. Stirewalt confirmed was true, she's the youngest of our current brood.  Dr. Barnes seems to think she's considerably older.  Who knows?  I certainly don't know how to tell the age of an adult cat.

I'm still mulling over the question "to Sedona or not to Sedona", but I think I'm leaning more towards going, which means that I'd best book my flight soon, before it goes up, as they tend to do lately.  I'm already mentally packing anyway, putting everything I'll need electronically in my laptop bag, including the gps and it's various pieces and parts from my car.  May as well give myself every advantage, eh?  

Love and Light.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

April 16, 2011

Card of the Day: King of Wands
I see:  A strong man robed in reds, oranges and yellows.  He holds a staff in his right hand and a seedling in his left.A dragon crouches at his side, muzzled so as not to inadvertently flame anything. A large bush is in full bloom behind him.  His gaze is not serene, but is, instead, expectant.  His grip on the staff is tight as if he expects to have to use it in some fashion soon.
I feel:  This is a man who would as easily do battle to right a wrong as he would soothe a fretful child.  His choice of companion is unusual, yet suited to his tendency to go to extremes.  He is a man who is always in motion be it mentally, physically or both.
I think:  We're entering a time of extremes, a time where people will either act or be left behind in the dust.  Choices will be made and inaction may be one of those choices.  None of the choices will be right or wrong, they will just be choices.  We will find ourselves, at times, with unusual companions but those companions will be suited to the situation at hand.  They may stay with us for the long term, or for a single battle and then move on.  We will, repeatedly, be called upon to take a stand, even if it is just to stay put.  One of the issues on which we will be called is the protection, healing and nurturing of the Earth.  Hundreds of years have been spent taking from her, and she will cease to care for us, be unable to care for us, if we don't give something back, heal the wounds we've inflicted and learn to stop inflicting those wounds.

Somewhat busy day today, so I'm not getting back to writing until after dancing, but I'm glad I am, as I was talking to a friend tonight who asked if I had decided whether I was going to make the trip to Sedona or not.  I told her that I hadn't decided, then realized I'd gotten another neon sign from the Universe.  We've been fighting with Simi Valley Hospital over a bill I was certain I'd already paid.  Today, I got a check from them for the exact amount of the bill saying that an audit had determined that we'd overpaid them.  The amount of the check was slightly more than the cost of the hotel room I booked.  Not that paying for it was an issue as I'd figured I could use part of my tax refund, but it is interesting that suddenly, the money for the hotel room is just there.  To me, this is a pretty good indication that I should go.  And yes, I'm still vascillating because I just don't like being away from home and my cats for very long, but I suppose I should start practicing for when I go on that book signing tour!

Heather and I found some really cute dresses for Serenity today, but the outing was marred when she called Jenni to see if she could bring her the dresses, and was told that the wake for a man who'd been like an uncle to the girls was today.  He passed a year ago, but his wife wasn't ready to deal with letting go until now.  But as she has a new man in her life now, I guess it was time.  Heather was very hurt that she wasn't invited, and I didn't want to say too much to her as she was upset, but the fact is, after they treated her like an outsider the last time she was there, while they treated Jenni like part of the family, she hasn't been inclined to go visit.  It's a safe assumption that they just didn't think about inviting her.  Out of sight, out of mind.  At first, I was angry that they'd been so thoughtless and hurtful to her, but after giving it some thought, I really don't think any malice was intended.  Everyone has simply gotten on with their lives, going in different directions than before.  Heather will learn to roll with the punches more as she gets older, and frankly, has gotten much better about it in the last couple of years.  But some things just hurt more than others.  I think that when she finds her closure, she'll find it easier to let go, but she's not there yet.  For me, I am relieved to have let go of yet another negative person from my life.  The people I'm around now are happy, healthy, love their lives, their family, their friends, joke around with each other because nothing is all that serious, and just basically live instead of merely existing. 

I was talking to one of my staff about the concept of friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime, and truly, for a long time, the people in my life saw the glass as half empty.  When I outgrew that mentality, I couldn't expect everyone to change with me, so I had to leave a lot of people behind (or they left me, but it really doesn't matter, as the result is the same.).  I'm in an odd place right now where I don't really have any close friends, but I think I'm simply transitioning, and will, ultimately, make connections again.  I talk to a lot of people when I'm out dancing, and I think I'm perceived as friendly and open, so it's only a matter of time before I make new, deep friendships.  Again, part of my own evolution.  I certainly don't want to go through the rest of my life alone.  Much as I like to declare "I hate people", or "I'm not a freakin' people person", there are a lot of people out there I find quite delightful, intelligent, fun, and wouldn't mind calling them "friend" rather than their current status as "acquaintance".  And just as I'm open, now, to the possibility of a relationship at some point, I'm even more open to developing close friendships with people who share my positive outlook and lack of desire to see the negative side of things. 

A former dance team member was at Borderline tonight and he was making comments about a guy who couldn't really dance properly, and I just kept countering with, essentially "so what" kinds of comments.  He said it bothered him and I told him not to watch.  He said he couldn't help but notice so I told him to close his eyes.  He finally realized that I wasn't going to sympathize with him on this one and we talked about something else.  Just as what other people think of me is none of my business, what other people are doing or how they're doing it really isn't either.  If they guy was crashing into people and showing no dance floor etiquette, it might bother me, but he just asks girls to dance and does his thing.  We're a social club, not a competitive one.  The competition dancers do come in now and then, but they have to share the floor with the rest of us, regardless of our ability or our technique.  Sometimes, I just enjoy watching the floor for a bit, to see the different levels out there.  There are always a couple of them who you want to say "bless their hearts.  They're trying so hard!"  The main thing is, dancing is supposed to be fun, so if they're looking totally uncoordinated, but they're smiling, they have the right idea!

Looking back at my card of the day today, often in Tarot, when a king or knight card is pulled, it can  indicate that a man fitting the characteristics of the card is coming into one's life and will have a major influence.  Having someone with the King of Wands characteristics come into my life at this time would certainly not be a bad thing.  The emphasis would be on creating and beginning new endeavors, then running with them, and that falls right in with what I'm trying to do, so yes, I think I would like to meet and get to know this King of Wands, and will appreciate any help he wants to give me in realizing my dreams.

And with that, I think I will go indulge in a few of those dreams while stretched horizontally, or as close to it as the cats will allow, on my nice, soft bed.

Love and light.

Friday, April 15, 2011

April 15, 2011

Surprise again!
Card of the day:  Princess of Pentacles
I see: A young girl kneeling in a field of flowers, a ring of daffodils surrounding her.  The yoke of her dress is a layering of leaves, and a circlet of daisies holds back her hair.  Her gaze is serious as she contemplates the large coin containing a pentagram which she holds aloft in her right hand.  There is a certain regalness and maturity despite her youth.
I feel:  This contradiction, serious yet youthful and curious, feels a lot like my inner self, struggling between honoring responsibilities and expectations, but yet, wanting to come out and play, to walk barefoot through a field of flowers, to enjoy life's simple pleasures.
I think:  Although I try to keep my life in balance, the responsible side is taking up most of my time.  This seems to be confirmed by dreams of leaving jobs, accepting other ones, making less money or receiving large sums which don't track with what I thought I would be seeing.  My focus is too much on money and not enough on things which are more important in life.  The fact that the coin in the card is larger than the girl's head seems to make it more important than it's real value when compared to friendship, compassion, experiencing the beauty of nature's bounty and so many other things which pass through our lives, sometimes going unnoticed because our focus is elsewhere.  I've seen so often that if you do what you love, the money to take care of your needs and wants will come.  The focus, though, must be on doing what you love, not on the pursuit of the almighty dollar.  And to focus on what you love, the child must be allowed to come out and play.

Funny, I had to sit her for a bit when I go to the think part.  I looked at the card again asking myself "what DO I think?"  But once I got started, it just seemed to put itself together, a lot like my writing has felt lately.  It's not so much what or how much I will write, but just getting the engine moving forward, then it seems to take care of itself.  I have a lot to say, but sometimes, I just have to dislodge some small obstacle before I can actually put into words what is going around in my brain or maybe, in my heart.  Is this what's meant by "writer's block"?

As usual, I do some of my best thinking while commuting.  As I was mulling over today's ACIM lesson I realized that the concept was clear to me as a teenager, in slightly different words.  Instead of  "I have invented the world that I see", we used to declare "You are a figment (or fig newton if we were being silly) of my imagination".  It is surely true that wisdom belongs to the very old and the very young, both of whom see the world without blinders or expectations.

And another sign from the Universe as I was driving to work.  I've booked my hotel for Sedona on Mother's Day weekend, but I'm still on the fence as to whether I'll really go or not, so I haven't booked a flight or a rental car.  As I was driving to work, the song "There Ain't no Arizona" came on.  For those unfamiliar with the song, there's a line which says "there ain't no....painted desert, no Sedona".  Now, the question is, is this a sign that I SHOULD or SHOULD NOT go???  Sometimes these neon signs are missing a few bulbs!

I'm seeing a lot of examples of synchronicity today.  It could be something simple like green lights all the way to work or a co-worker telling the Universe that she needs furniture for her new place, and someone driving up with a truck load of things they no longer want, a quote from the Secret about gratitude bringing you everything you want and need, tying today's ACIM lesson into an experience from my youth, all the way up to something major like a chapter of my book writing itself (ok, so that one is yet to come!)  My point is that the more I ask for signs, and am exceedingly grateful for those signs, the more I am getting!  Another thing I'm noticing is that the people around me are a lot mellower these days.  Tension and stress levels seem to be abating and everyone is accomplishing what they need to AND enjoying life!   In short, I'm surrounded by an endless supply of positive energy!   I'm hoping I can pour some more on Heather who is starting to get tense about finals  (she seems to do this every semester, about a month before finals week, despite the fact that she's keeping up with her classes and doing well on the tests.)  I'm happy that she's gotten into the niche where she's excited about where all of these "boring" classes are going to take her, but, my Mom-self worries about her making herself sick stressing over the tests.  I know she will do amazingly well because she's been giving me lessons in all of this science stuff since she was about 6!  She even loves the bane of my Psychology existence, Mendel's peas!  And heaven knows, they go much more in depth in a Biology class!  She's using words that were not part of my educational experience.  I smile and nod and pretend I understand until she explains it to me in smaller words.  (I'm hoping that I'm helping her study by letting her explain this stuff to me, and even, on occasion, asking her a semi-intelligent questions)

I just noticed something interesting.  When I first started blogging, I had to turn off the music so I wasn't distracted.  Now, I forgot to turn it off, and my mind is racing along anyway.  I tune it out when I need to, and flow with it when I don't.  I guess, when putting my thoughts on paper (or screen, in this case) was not coming easily, I had to adjust my environment accordingly, but as things just start to flow and, in fact, I have only my lightening fast typing to thank for being able to keep up with the changes in topic (and the edit function to fix my typos and weird words later), things just don't distract me any more, and, in fact, small brain re-directions just give everything a chance to percolate before moving on to something else.  Not that anyone would notice, but I've also changed my blogging methodology.  I get up early (most mornings) and do my ACIM lesson, then post a little into a new blog, I don't publish it.  Then, throughout the day, I add things to it as they come to me until I finally hit the "Publish Post" button when I feel I've exhausted my day's thoughts and ramblings.   I like doing it this way because I don't feel obligated to get everything down in a small span of time, but can let thoughts flow into each other, sometimes just by re-reading what I've already written, until all sorts of ideas and thought bubbles are born.

I'm reminded of a line from a Brad Paisley song asking a woman if she thought he should end his song, then saying "me neither".  But in this case, I will end this post so I'll have something to say tomorrow.

Love and light.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

April 14, 2011

Surprise, surprise, I'm going to start this one with the Card of the Day!

The Moon
I see: Maiden, Mother and Crone framed by a large orb, bright white on the left, and in partial darkness on the right.  Mother holds a large egg-shaped orb in her hands, displaying it proudly.  Crone holds a lighted staff and Maiden stands, naked and open, silhouetted by the moon.  A wolf sits at Mother's feet, gazing up at her adoringly. Plants with what appear to be cotton balls grow around Mother and Crone, and a crab hides in their midst. A Hebrew letter which looks something like a "P" is on the left of the moon, while what I believe is an astrological sign, resembling two "C's" placed back to back is on the right. Mother's gown is dusted with stars, as if the fabric is actually a piece of the night sky.  There is a deep feeling of serenity in the scene.
I feel:  Serene, introspective, all is as it should be.  The cycle of life continues, unbroken, as it has for eons.  There are safeguards in place which, unless needed, look very tame and harmless, but should the need arise, they would deal with any threat quickly and efficiently, then return to their gentle state.
I think:  This is a period of introspection, a time of following instinct and being exactly what the core self decrees.  Allowing the ebb and flow of life, nurturing the dreams and letting go of those which no longer serve.

So again, today, I went out to the garage en route to my paying job, checked the dish of coke whose purpose is to give Earl a dose of "death by cola", and found it completely empty.  I think to myself, "it won't be long now!  That pest will be gone and my soon-to-be hunting family members will just have to keep the rest of the tribe out." when, to my dismay, I look through the windshield to see hundreds of tiny footprints up and down my windshield.  In the first place, there are far too many for Earl to have worked by himself, and in the second place, that darn rat and, apparently, his whole family, are now mocking me!  This means war!!!!  I need to get the fearless hunters acclimated to their new home sooner rather than later!  Whether Earl and his clan merely vacate the premises or meet an untidy end is no longer material.  They just need to be gone!  As far as I'm concerned, being meals on wheels for my new furry children will suit me just fine!  Especially since my darling daughter, who would adopt anything with fur or scales given half a chance has to call and tell me how cute one of Earl's progeny looked, just sitting on the rafter staring down at her!  I had to remind her that what she's calling "cute" is full of disease and, oh, yes, by the way, did $400 damage to my new car, and I was darned lucky that's all the harm they caused!  Not only that, when I was in the garage last night, I heard a lot of thumping and bumping around which leads me to believe that I'm housing a freaking kangaroo!!!  That rat and his family either have the biggest feet ever seen on a rat, or they are eating way too well!  Although I do question the nutritional value of a rubber water hose!  And I am definitely contemplating pulling out my 22 rifle and going rat hunting!  Nothing like a slug between the eyes to change his ratty outlook!    I'm truly not a violent person and was willing to live and let live, but this guy is pushing his luck way beyond anything healthy!  I was hoping death by coke and leaving the hood up on my car would get my inhospitable point across but his stubbornness is quite amazing!  (Reminds me a bit of my ex-husband who also missed subtle hints and had to literally be thrown out after pushing my good nature beyond it's limits!)

OK, taking a nice, deep, yoga breath here and getting back to a calm and serene demeanor.  As the writing seems to be starting to really flow (although only parts of it, right now, are truly book related), I'm seriously considering an extended weekend in Sedona to really connect with my energies and do some major writing and relaxing.  In bringing it up, I have a couple of people who actually expressed interest in joining me, although it could just be an "I wish I could go with you" kind of thing.  I'll give it a few days to percolate before actually making plans, but I can already picture myself sitting on a balcony overlooking a red rock canyon, pecking away on my laptop and looking up every now and then for inspiration.  I can also feel the energy as I sit on a friendly rock near one of the vortices, meditating.  Yes, I really think I need to take this trip!  The last time I was in Sedona, I promised myself that I would return.  It's been a long time coming, but I think that I will get a lot more out of the trip this time than I did when I was last there.  Not that it wasn't a worthwhile trip the last time.  I needed a complete break and that is exactly what I got.  I needed time alone, and, again, that is what I got.  This time, my needs are different, but the location is truly well suited to fulfilling the changed needs.  So I made a reservation at the hotel recommended by a friend in the area.  I'm not fully committed yet, as I can still cancel the reservation, but at least I took the first step.  The place is truly gorgeous with amazing views, set up above Sedona proper, so I know that the inspiration I need will be there.  It's only for me to open up to it and let the ideas flow!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

April 13, 2011

They say that it takes a certain amount of time to create a habit, and I sure thought it was a month or so, but getting in the habit of going to bed earlier so I can get up early and write is tougher than I thought!  Once again, I finally turned the lights off at around 1 AM so, really, can I be expected to be up by 6:30?  I realize I'm only thwarting myself, and need to be more responsive to my own needs, but sleep is a need, isn't it?  Is it possible that turning a night owl into a morning person is more than a habit, but a major, earth shaking, Universe rocking life change?

So I made it to lesson 30 of ACIM today, and, as I should have suspected having gone to see Marianne Williamson speak (and boy, can she do a good job of preaching!), it is starting to lean very much towards the sole deity, creator stuff that I've always found to be about as comfortable as a pair of jeans 2 sizes too small after eating a large, Thanksgiving-style meal.  But as I read through it, I realize that the concept Tony uses all the time, that we are Divine beings having a Human experience, is really the basis for the lessons.  As such, I find it more comfortable to substitute "Universe" or "Divinity" and go about my business.  Because what I am seeing, and finding it easier every day to do so, is that each and every person, place and thing is imbued with layer upon layer of Divinity (and for those who are starting to drool, I don't mean the gooey, sugary, chocolaty kind).  As I was driving to work this morning, I came upon a smaller car, maybe a Geo or a Kia, going rather slower than my Lexus wanted to go.  My first thought was "Oh, the little bump can't do much better".  Then I realized that, outward appearances and performance aside, that little bump had just as much divinity as a Rolls Royce because every component used to put it together was Divinely created and every person who touched it in the process of creating it was a Divine being, and every tool or machine used in it's creation was also filled with Divinity.  So my thoughts turned, instead, to the grassy hillside at the freeway interchange, and at how wonderful it would be to just take off my shoes and run through the grass.  Now *that's* Divine!

Other thoughts running through my brain today and last night focused on the fact that, in re-reading what I'd written over the last couple of days, I found a lot of it to be somewhat boring.  Not that I'm really here with my main intention being to entertain people, but I don't want to put them to sleep!  Ultimately, I want to give something to think about, and to start discussions which also cause me to think.

I saw another of my "neon signs" today.  One of my FB friends posted a "like" for a Suicide Prevention site.    I really think I want to go to the 60th ACIM lesson though.  For one thing, the last 10 are reviews of the first 50 lessons and I think, in tying everything together like that, it's a good jumping off point.  However, I think the research will begin in earnest this week, as I'm starting to have whole paragraphs come to me, albeit in a very disjointed fashion.  They do tend to come to me at very inconvenient times, though.  In fact, I seem to do my best thinking while commuting.  I may need to invest in a small tape recorder to ensure that I don't lose these little gems.  The other place I get my brainstorms (or tempests in teapots, as it were) is when I'm lying in bed, already later than it should be, trying to fall asleep.  I forced myself to stay and not write down one of my gems the other night, assuring myself that it was so good I'd remember it in the morning, and woke up to a handful of dust.  Again, the tape recorder would have saved me.

I'm still contemplating a jaunt to Sedona on Mother's Day weekend when I've scheduled a couple of days off.  With the price of gas, though, I'm thinking about flying into Flagstaff, renting a car and driving into Sedona from there.  Here's how I figure it might be better, not counting the time savings.  Approximately 522 miles each way, so, including a bit of driving around, let's say, 1200 miles round trip.  Divide that by, say 25 mpg gets me 48 gallons of gas for the trip (and it will probably be more as 89A from Flagstaff into Sedona is a windy mountain road which will cut down on my mpg).  As gas for my little beauty is up around 4.50 a gallon or so, (give or take 20 cents), that's over $200 just in gas, not to mention wear and tear on her.  When I checked last night, I could get airfare and a rental car for around 300 or so, and save myself hours on the road.  Sounds like a good tradeoff to me.  Of course, if I was traveling WITH someone, the whole dynamic would change, but for now, I anticipate a solo trip, just me and my laptop so I can get some writing in as inspiration strikes.  It also appears to be the off season for Sedona, so I might get a really nice deal on one of their Spa type hotels as well.  And I really do deserve a nice, relaxing vacation!

Card of the day (You never know when or even if this little segment is going to appear in my posts now, do you?)  Four of Cups:
I see:  A young woman sitting on a chaise in the garden, contemplating three golden chalices on a table before her.  A fourth chalice floats in the air, just beyond her vision.  She seems less than excited about the three she is pondering, yet fails to notice that she has another choice.  A honeysuckle vine blooms riotously behind her, but even the scent of the blooms cannot arouse her from her ennui.  Her dress is a paler version of the deep, clear blue sky above and behind her.
I feel:  There is a time and a place to contemplate the choices you have and to feel that there really should be more.  This is the time to allow the Universe to take the lead and start dropping hints as to what opportunities exist outside of anything you've contemplated or considered. 
I think:  We all need to do more letting go to allow for the "Ah ha" moments to get past our minds which can so easily get locked into patterns of expectation and worry.  I've heard it described as "can't see the forest for the trees" or "getting stuck in the weeds".  But however it's described, it's really our own minds getting stuck in an endless loop from which they don't know how to extricate themselves.  The key is not to keep picking at the knots, but to just let go and allow them to release themselves as soon as there is no longer tension on the rope. 

It occurs to me that what so many call their comfort zone is really little more than a self-imposed prison where they can avoid anything new or different, but in the process, they don't really learn, live, hurt, find joy, trip and fall, rise and shine or really get to know how infinite the choices are, and what it's like to actually live life!

Most of us, in our own way, are guilty of falling into this trap.  I know that my lack of desire to travel keeps me from some amazing experiences.  It's not that I don't like to visit new places, it's more that I just don't like being away from home for very long stretches.  Three or four days and I'm itching to get back to my bed, my stuff, and more importantly, my furry children.  I've proven that I sleep much better with them snuggled around me, and frankly, when I'm away, like any good mother, I worry about them.  And then there's Dylan who actually mopes if I'm gone more than a day or two.  Am I using him as an excuse?  Probably.  But like anything else, when I'm ready to see the world, I'll figure it out.  It's not like a phobia or anything.  Admittedly, some of it is just cheapness.  I look at people spending thousands on a vacation and I just can't bring myself to do it!  But ask me to spend thousands on a sick cat and I won't hesitate for a second.  It's all about priorities!  Each of us has them, and for us, our priorities are exactly right. 

It gets back to acceptance.  We all make choices based on  the best information we have available.  It is not for anyone else to agree, or for that matter, disagree, with the choices we make.  It is only for us to accept that the choices others make are made for reasons known only to them, and serve some purpose on their own life path.  So it is for us to accept and respect the choices others make, refrain from passing judgement, and concentrate on the choices we need to make for ourselves.  If we get caught up in passing judgement on what others are doing, we're going to miss out on a whole lot of things we could be doing ourselves.  That just doesn't make sense to me! (and yes, I've spent way too much time looking at what others do and saying "now why would they do something so stupid!")  The key is not to be this perfect little Divine/Human being, but to recognize our foibles at some point and to learn from them.  I can honestly say that I probably do at least a dozen dumb things every day, but if I learn even one lesson, I'm that much richer for it. 

When I look at the choices my parents made, it's really easy to pass judgement, especially as there is no tangible proof of a lesson learned.  But the truth is, while the human self might be gone, the Divine self learns from each and every experience, and each and every human lifetime.  Their Higher Selves had some say in the decisions made, the lives lived, and the determination that the human forms they held were no longer capable of taking them to the next level in their evolution.  In my small human mind, I am incapable of truly understanding the magnitude of decisions they made, but I am capable of accepting that those decisions were for their overall good, and that realization has led me to this point where I'm ready to write about it and share my responses, my feelings and my actions since, the choices I've made and the mistakes I've made that have gotten me to now.

Love and light.