Welcome to my Journey

Hello, and welcome to my Journey. Over the last few years I have been learning more about my personal journey, my Path and my Soul Purpose. The further I travel, the easier I find it to share my journey with others, and to learn from their journeys as well. The most recent evolution has caused me to expand my Universe and allow more people access to my travels, as well as allowing me access to more people, their travels and what they have learned as they walk their own paths. Feel free to share your journey here as we all have much to learn in our lives as Divine Beings having a Human experience.

Love and Light.

Friday, January 31, 2014

January 31, 2014 Talkin' 'bout Gratitude!

I was talking to my daughter today about our upcoming celebration dinner at the Melting Pot and, once again, the subject came up about people who always expect her to do things, but after awhile, it just gets old.    As she told me that one person in particular had, once again, abused the privilege, I jokingly called her a meanie, to which she responded "says the woman who wouldn't do something like that!".

She followed up my remark that they were always doing stuff for me (asked or unasked, I might add!), to which she replied:  "Yes, but you appreciate and don't expect."

Wow!  The lightbulb went off for me on that one!  I'm always talking about gratitude when it comes to the Universe and how we attract more when we are grateful, whether it's for green lights, sunny days, or abundance of any kind.  But take it down to the purely human level, and it is just as effective! 

We, as humans, want, nay, need to be appreciated.  If we try and try, but all we get is negative responses, we're going to eventually take our efforts elsewhere.  But if what we do is appreciated, then, boy, are we going to be there to earn more of that appreciation!

It's the little things, too, that add up.  Just this week, I had a cashier at Trader Joe's thank me for understanding that the store has no control over what the warehouse does or does not send them.  From where I sit, that just goes without saying, but clearly, customers complain loudly to them when they're out of something.

Tonight, our waiter was apologizing for what he apparently felt was slower than normal service.  When we told him we weren't in a hurry and that everything was perfect, he, too, expressed gratitude and said that he had a table on the other side of the wall which was complaining about every, little thing,  He even wrote a really sweet note on the receipt!    But it was us who felt really good about being able to appreciate the job he was doing, rather than looking for fault, and being appreciated for that! 

Are you seeing where I'm going here?  Gratitude has a snowball effect!  We appreciate someone's efforts, they appreciate our appreciation, and we appreciate being appreciated...and so on and so on.  Wouldn't the world be an amazing, abundant, joyful place if everyone figured this out???

So, I don't think it matters whether you "Pay it Forward", perform "random acts of kindness", or just appreciate every, single, little thing around you!  All that matters is that we stop taking our world for granted, and see what a beautiful place it is, and what we can do to make it even more beautiful. 

Surely, being gracious, patient and kind isn't too much to ask.  While it's easy to take your bad day out on some random stranger, does it really make you feel better, or do you just get crankier?   What if, instead of snarling at someone, you put your crankiness aside and smiled instead?  Wouldn't the answering smile be more likely to lighten your mood? 

Like begets like.  We've seen that enough through the Laws of Attraction.  So let's replace that 100 bottles of beer on the wall with 100 smiles.  Take one down, pass it around, and you know what?  Now you have 101 smiles on the wall!!!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for so many opportunities to give people smiles.
2. I am grateful for a wonderful, celebratory dinner at our favorite restaurant with my kids.  (all 3 hours of it!)
3. I am grateful for a warm house filled with furry children who keep me company while I work, meditate, sleep, read, or just be.
4. I am grateful for the evolution of my life, and the dreams I now live.
5. I am grateful for a better pace in which to live and love my life.

Love and light.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

January 30, 2014 Energy, Energy, where for art thou, Energy

After a full day's work, I headed off with my usual high level of excitement for a dance night, my reward for getting things done.  I danced for a while, yakked for awhile, goofed off some...when I realized that I couldn't find the wonderful energy I'd been experiencing lately.  In fact, the whole place felt flat.

I tried sealing my field, but couldn't even manage to grab the energy to do that properly!  Someone suggested that the cloudy day had sapped her, but I think it was more than that.  Almost from the moment I got there, I felt detached as if I was walking around in a protective bubble which shielded me from everyone and everything. 

Sure, I could talk to people and interact, but there was no connection, no melding of energies...at all! 

When I tried to check the energy updates my teacher posts, the site was down for maintenance.  Is the Universe trying to tell me something again, and I'm oblivious...again???

Even so, I stayed almost as long as I have been lately, not feeling like it was time to go until around my usual time.  I just felt like I'd left part of myself behind.  When I arrived home, the cats were waiting for me at the door, so maybe they sensed something too.

Guess I'll just sleep on it and hope my energy returns in the morning! :)

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for friends.
2. I am grateful for thought provoking conversations.
3. I am grateful for dancing, even on the less perfect nights.
4. I am grateful for healthy eating, healthy habits, and camaraderie while following the habits.
5. I am grateful for inspiration and laughter which my friends so readily provide.

Love and life

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

January 29, 2014 Nothing much to say (which is always an invitation for the floodgates to open!)

I realize it's out of character, but I really haven't had a lot to say the last couple of days.  Aside from going to the gym with my daughter, a dance lesson and a couple of errands, I've pretty much been playing hermit.

After my last ART class, it became apparent that I needed to put some time into doing research into the Kabbalah, so, one of yesterday's errands was to stop at the local book store and pick up a couple of books.

The first one I've been reading seems to be taking a more Christian viewpoint, but does have some good information into the history and the basic tenets.  I read it first because I had a feeling it was going to raise more questions than it answered, and because there was something about it I disliked from the beginning, and as a result, I knew I had to get through it.  By reading it first, the other two books I bought become my reward for sticking it  out. 

Have you ever done that?  Taken a task or a book or something which you knew you weren't really into but somehow felt you needed to get out of the way before you got to the really good stuff?  Were you glad you took the time to get the job done or did you feel like it was really a waste? 

Life gives us many opportunities to learn, and many of them are not what I would call enjoyable experiences.  Even so, the lessons we take away are valuable, no matter what we had to go through to learn them, and, for me anyway, the harder they were to get through, the more pain they caused, the deeper the imprint they left on my psyche, the better I remembered the lesson.

Maybe that's why I have so much trouble with patience.  Sure, I've gotten slapped down for my impatience, but most of the lessons I've received on the subject have been relatively benign.  Not that I'm asking for a painful, memorable lesson in patience!  Trust me!  I know it's something I need to learn, and am constantly working on learning it.  So, save the pain for something I am not actively trying to learn. 

As I become more social, I'm seeing my friends going through their own versions of life's lessons, and I see quiet strength manifest itself in a variety of ways.  I find that I am constantly impressed by how one or another of them rises to the occasion when life pushes them into a wall. 

That isn't to say that I don't bite my tongue at times, when it seems to me that they could be heading for more hurt.  If I've learned nothing else in the last few years, it's that people need to make their own choices, and unsolicited advice is seldom welcome.  Besides, there's a pretty good chance that I'm wrong anyway, if for no other reason than that I am not privy to all of the pertinent details. 

Even more, everyone has the right to learn what they need to in their own way, and my well-meaning attempt to spare them harm might actually do more harm rather than less! 

Thankfully, for me, age has brought some wisdom, though I'd hardly call myself wise.  But I have learned that there is definitely a time to keep my thoughts to myself and just be loving and supportive, and to fill myself with positive energy and visions of the most beautiful outcome possible for the people I know and love, and for those I am learning to know and love.

Above all, I am grateful that I am perfect in my imperfectness for this moment in time.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the people who help me learn new things, whether or not they are even aware of their part in my education.
2. I am grateful for all of the new examples of qualities I want to learn.
3. I am grateful for the feedback I've been getting lately from people I both respect and admire.
4. I am grateful for the changes in my life, the manifestations I'm enjoying and the knowledge that I will always have exactly what I need, and at least a few of the things I want as well.
5. I am grateful for the opportunity to get to know new people who are already enriching my life.

Love and light.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

January 26, 2014 Thoughts on aging

I've become more aware, in the last few days, of what we are guaranteed by the aging process, and what we are not.  I'm not talking about those little aches and pains we get or disease or any of those things.

I'm looking more at those things which people seem to just assume happen, when, in reality, there is no magic wand, and all require effort on the part of the individual.

First, let me say that increased age only really guarantees one thing:  that you are getting closer to that time when the body you're in will have outlived its usefulness, and it will be time to let it go so you can move on to the next life...and the next set of lessons (assuming you've actually learned the ones you came into this life to learn.  I am convinced that there truly are people who come back several times before they grasp this concept.)

That being said, I've discovered that increased age does not automatically mean increased wisdom.  Wisdom is acquired through the lessons we actually learn, and typically, it takes more than a single lifetime to even reach the bottom rung of the wisdom ladder.

I've also discovered that people do not automatically mature as they age.  I'm not talking about things like taking care of themselves, holding down a job and obeying most of their area's laws.  What I mean is learning to treat others with respect, even if you don't agree with what they're doing.  Or accepting someone's choices, despite the fact that they are as far from what you would do as they can be.  It is understanding that nobody (and I do mean nobody, including drug addicts, terrorists, criminals and others we might consider unsavory) makes a wrong choice.  We all come here to learn lessons, and we make choices which put us exactly where we need to be to learn those lessons (hopefully!). 

One of the hardest things I've had to learn is to accept the choices of people I love, despite the fact that, from my perspective, they were hurting themselves or going down a path which was only going to be self-destructive.  Learning that sometimes, all I can do for them is to love them from afar, and send them good thoughts and energy was not an easy lesson, nor one which came naturally! 

Getting older does not guarantee that you're getting smarter!  Some of us occupying the older generations have made the same mistakes repeatedly before we finally figured it out (and some are STILL making the same mistakes!  Insanity, anyone?), while there are "kids" in their 20's and 30's who are so together and aware, it's scary! 

And finally, getting older is not guaranteed!  Some of us have chosen a life which was meant to be long and, hopefully, fruitful.  Others are here for only a speck of time, perhaps to learn just a couple of lessons of their own, or, in some cases, to help others learn a lesson from their brief life, and even from their passing. 

Admittedly, it has taken me longer than it might have to figure some of this out, but, as I stopped myself from typing "should have", I realized that, in reality, it took me as long as it needed to.  That's another thing I've learned as I walk the new path which is continually opening up to me.  Wherever I am and whatever I'm doing, is exactly where I should be!  That, alone, has been quite liberating!

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for opportunities to assess how far I've come, and to be proud of my accomplishments, however small.
2. I am grateful for opportunities to do things better, be kinder and practice what I've learned.
3. I am grateful for quiet mornings with coffee and my kitties.
4. I am grateful for the little things in life.
5. I am grateful for my daughter and son-in-law who have taught me far more than I could ever have learned on my own!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

January 22, 2014 In humble apology

I would like to take a moment to express my humblest apologies to my readers who might have experienced the results of an innocent mistake on my part these last couple of days.

To explain, last year, I participated in the Ultimate Blog Challenge which required me to read and post comments to other peoples' blogs.  It was an amazing experience for me and I am grateful to the many people I met and continue to interact with.  However, for some of those blogs, I had to sign up with Disqus in order to post a comment. 

What I didn't realize at the time, but have discovered, to my deep regret, is that Disqus overrides the settings on Google with regard to comments.  While I believed that I had moderation enabled, since the default setting on Disqus was to allow all to post immediately, some rather ugly comments got through yesterday and today. 

I want to assure you that the problem is fixed and should not happen again, but please accept my humblest apologies, dear readers, if you had the misfortune of reading any of the hate spewing posts before they were taken down.  Rest assured that they do not reflect the tone of this blog and especially my age old rule, "attack the post, not the poster." 

I appreciate dissenting views as I have learned more from people who disagree with me, but hate is hate, and not welcome here.  There might have been a valuable lesson to be learned, but I, for one, learn little from being attacked, and a great deal from the calm, respectful presentation of alternative facts. 

Please join me in sending love and light to those who have not yet learned that people will listen to you if you speak softly, but will turn away if you feel the need to scream at them.

The Universe does not make mistakes, however, and these sad people, filled with self-loathing, are being brought into my life for a reason, perhaps as a reminder that loving ourselves is extremely important as it shades every other part of our lives, and every relationship we enter into.

Please take a moment to offer understanding, forgiveness and love to those people who make it challenging to be in close proximity to them, or as a good friend put it, that you need to love from afar.  For me, at least, they remind me how fortunate I am to have learned to love myself.

I'd also like to set the record straight on something for which I've been attacked extensively (thank goodness for multiple block options which I recently discovered!).  There were two women joining us for Thanksgiving who required the assistance of a walker.  One of them made the best of her situation, joined in on the fun and challenges the day brought, and was a complete joy to be around, in spite of the limitations she had.  The other didn't.  'nuff said.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for another wonderful night of dancing, and the additional stamina I'm gaining from my gym workouts.
2. I am grateful for loving and understanding friends who "get" that people who don't respect our boundaries need to be loved from afar.
3. I am grateful for the time I'm getting to spend with my daughter now that our work situations have changed.
4. I am grateful for productivity and opportunities.
5. I am grateful for learning the lessons of peaceful interaction and compassion, even when my compassion is tested

Love and light

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

January 21, 2013 Thoughts on lessons

There are a lot of things running through my head tonight, but nothing is staying put long enough for me to turn it into words.  I try to offer a number of things here:  Inspiration, Affirmation, Humor, and, when all else fails, little snippets of my life in which the Universe is having a particularly good time.

The last two days have been productive, but from the logical, analytical side of me, and perhaps that's why getting back into the creative side is a bit of a struggle.  I'm getting a lot of images, lately of rescues and protection, but rather than it being me as the rescuer/protector, it is someone else doing it for me, whether I think I need it or not.

Those of you who have carved a life out by yourselves, either as a single person on their own, or a single parent, probably understand how easy it is to get used to just handling things yourself rather than asking for help. 

I think my best rationalization during the years of working two jobs, raising two daughters and trying to give enough time to their school activities was "other people have just as much on their plates as I do, maybe more, so how could I ask them to help me??" 

It took me a lot of years and my daughters reaching adulthood to realize that people need to be needed.  Asking for help is still a fine line between asking now and then with gratitude and asking, or worse, expecting, all the time, as if it is your just desserts.  I saw too much of the latter over the years, and this made me especially sensitive to the possibility of taking advantage of others.  Unfortunately, I took it to the other extreme. 

But you can teach an old dog new tricks so I now know to look for opportunities to ask for assistance without taking advantage, and to express gratitude before, during and after.  It does help to have that attitude of gratitude as a part of my daily life, and in fact, I really do appreciate it when someone takes the time to give me a hand or an ear or whatever it might be. 

I'm still working on being more kind, but I think I need to practice patience first.  I still get frustrated when I think someone is moving too slow, instead of taking a step back and exploring the possibility that they're moving slowly for a reason (except the other day at Jamba Juice when whoever did the scheduling for a holiday Monday didn't give much consideration to the two young people who were doing their darndest to accommodate the deluge of customers while trying to keep up with clearing the area of dirty blenders and filling the bins with ingredients.  Special thanks to the young lady who continued to be pleasant and actually apologize for the delay when we could all see that they were buried!  Kudos also to the patrons who were all patient while the employees did their best to keep things moving.)

I was recently given a suggestion when I'm trying to fill my heart with love while doing healing to imagine Dylan and the feeling I get when he walks in and rubs his face against mine.  I think I will use the experience at Jamba Juice to remind me to be patient when I think I need to be in a hurry (but really, do we ever really need to be in a hurry unless it's a life or death situation?) 

Having a person or animal or situation with which to help us visualize a better state of mind seems to me to be a marvelous idea when we are driven by our baser instincts to be less than patient, kind, loving or encouraging. 

My biggest challenge, however, will always be when I'm expected to be or do something.  I have, since early childhood, rebelled against others' expectations.  My mother worked very hard to break me of this, to no avail. 

Now that I have come to the realization that I cannot control other people (nor they, me) but I (and everyone else) can control how I (or they) react to other people's words or actions, I find that life is a lot more peaceful.  And that works for me!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful to have learned to accept myself as I am.
2. I am grateful to have learned that allowing the words or actions of other people to affect me is also a choice.
3. I am grateful for the lessons I've learned, and even more, for those I still have to work on.
4. I am grateful for busy, productive days which will allow me to have days to be creative.
5. I am grateful for all of the people in my life who have brought with them important lessons which make me a better me.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

January 19, 2014 Loneliness

Sitting here, alone in the house with the cats checking in on me every so often, the barrage of posts on Facebook having died down as people end their evening so they can be up early to go to jobs or send their kids off to school, it dawns on me that the dream I had last night triggered something unexpected in me.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself these last couple of years, and most especially, the last few months, opening old wounds, healing some, accepting others.  I've addressed my struggles with intimacy, on its many levels, but I've never admitted to being lonely...until now.

Oh, it isn't all the time, and it certainly isn't debilitating, but there are times when it just hits me. 

The dream last night involved a group of us visiting some kind of Irish religious facility to participate in some kind of celebration.  We were met at the door by a woman who a couple of people in our group knew, and who was a member of this organization.  She was, apparently, supposed to serve as our guide as they didn't like strangers wandering around unescorted. 

Somehow, I got disconnected from the group, and found myself wandering around the building, quietly opening doors until I found the right one.  The woman who was our escort sat with us at one of those round, banquet tables with the white linen cloth and napkins as we waited for some kind of ceremony to begin.  It seemed we were also there to make contact with someone because she suddenly said "He's already introduced himself." as a man at another table rose and crossed the room to join us.  I was just taking my seat when he grabbed my hand, sliced my palm with a knife, then sliced his own, putting our hands together to merge the blood that was oozing from our twin wounds.  To my horror, he proclaimed "we are now hand fasted!" 

Pulling my hand out of his, I did something which caused his blood to be burned out of my body, and quickly healed the wound.  Just as the wound was closing, another man burst through the door, very upset because he'd arrived too late to protect me. 

Thanks to my cat, Toby, and his little helper, Snowball, I woke before I learned what the whole thing was about, and why this other man seemed to think he was supposed to protect me.

As is my wont, I believe that this dream has something significant to tell me because I remember it in such detail over 15 hours later.  What that is, I'm not sure, but this feeling of loneliness seems to be tied to the dream, somehow. 

I know this wave of loneliness will pass, and after today's practice session, believe that, to some degree, it has to do with losses in my past lives as well as the string of poor choices I've made in this one which led me to just put aside the idea of having a deep, personal relationship at all, these last 10 years or so. 

But something inside me is opening up and realizing that I'm missing something important.  For the moment, it calls the missing thing "loneliness", but in time, it may reveal itself to be something quite different. 

Until then, I share this because I know that everyone experiences this feeling in one form or another, at some point in their lives, and, if it is good for nothing else, it reminds me that, in truth, I'm not alone.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the revelations I received today.
2. I am grateful for the way things start falling into place as I begin to understand why I am the way I am, and what lessons I'm still trying to learn.
3. I am grateful for changing dynamics which cause me to continue to move out of my comfort zone and into new territory.
4. I am grateful for the unconditional love of my cats which gives me a touchstone when I need a solid source of love to draw upon.
5. I am grateful for work which continues to support me while I follow my dream.

Love and light.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

January 18, 2014. This is the week that was

This has been an interesting week for me, filled with synchronicities, boundaries and aha moments!  I think it started with that crazy, powerful, full moon and just escalated.

I was gratified to find that by choosing to release the drama surrounding one part of my life, I found that my boundaries were being honored.  If it was done a little unwillingly, but out of necessity in order to receive what was needed, that's ok. It's a start. It can certainly grow into something healthy and productive for us both

Changes I have been making internally over the last couple of years are starting to manifest In surprising ways.  I looked at the paint patches on my walls which have been there since I first started working on my remodel and found myself thinking "yuk!  I hate those colors!  They're so boring!"

One, in particular reminded me of baby poop yellow!  I'm so grateful that I came to my senses before putting it on entire walls instead of just a brush stroke on the wall next to my coffee pot. I can't even imagine having to look at that, day in and day out!   It's really a good thing for me that those prayers went unanswered!

I've also been in my head a lot lately, and visualizations have arrived, unbidden with both increasing regularity and increasing clarity ( the unravelling bowling ball notwithstanding)

What I haven't been seeing, apparently, is the drama surrounding a couple of breakups which occurred recently between some dance friends.  I guess when I cleared the drama from one area, I cleared it from them all.

Works for me!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my drama free life.
2. I am grateful for a fabulous night of dancing that ended with sore feet and rubber legs.
3. I am grateful that I recognized that if I find it difficult to talk to someone, they're not going to be "the one".
4.I am grateful for the many intentions I've been setting, and how they have all been working out, much better than I could have planned.
5. I am grateful for the warmth, love and positive energy I receive from all of my dance friends.  Dance on!!!

Love and light.

Friday, January 17, 2014

January 17, 2014 Best laid plans

Today, I had planned to do several things, and most of them didn't happen.  But as I see it, the most important ones did.

I started my day with the trip to the gym I had planned with my daughter, and though we both forgot to work the abs today, I think we had a pretty good workout, overall.  Heather suggested a little Greek place for lunch, where we ordered our lunch (between my doing some trouble shooting for a client who managed to miss our gym time by just a skotch), and enjoyed our lunch on the little strip of sidewalk outside the restaurant.

Returning home, I took care of a couple of things, then decided it was time for my meditation.

Visuals during the meditation were so odd that it rather messed up my brain for the other things I wanted to spend the day doing. 

I saw myself in an odd sort of bowling alley with people I don't recognize, but apparently, knew.  Getting a glass of water was a major undertaking, especially with a little, grey kitten in my arms, bent on escaping (which she did at one point). 

Back on the lanes, I proceeded to take a practice shot and the old bowling ball from my childhood, which I was attempting to use, had several different sets of finger holes, and suddenly just shredded itself in my hands. 

Thus ensued a search for an alley ball, but they were organized in a most unusual fashion.  Many were in boxes by brand, and there was a card with a key as to what the numbering sequences meant for the various brands, in terms of weight.  As I took one ball out of it's box, it had a weird, flat spot on it until a friend pointed out that it was in yet another, mostly round,  box. 

Finally, returning to our lane, one of the women on the other team was becoming quite belligerent about the wait, but every time I tried to bowl, someone on one side or the other would start forward too (a serious breach of bowling courtesy.)

My meditation came to an end as I reached the boiling point, frustration-wise, and I no longer felt relaxed.

Since then, I've spent the rest of the day a little sick to my stomach, eating my last container of chicken soup for dinner, in hopes of settling it. 

The stomach may have settled, but I'm feeling decidedly unsettled, and am wondering if the effects of the full moon the other night are still upon me?  I know that a series of emails over the last couple of days has certainly created a bit of a stir for me, not to mention, the requirement for a day or two of work next week as well.  (not a bad thing)

I have neglected my book for a couple of days as well, and hope that I can find the muse to write another couple of chapters soon.  January is drawing to a close, and I don't want to break the promise I made to myself!

But as I look around my recently organized office (if you discount the books piled high, and not entirely neatly, on the shelves), I feel a sense of accomplishment and know that things are definitely moving forward, even if it's not as quickly as I might like.

My gratitude tonight are:
1. I am grateful for being able to cross things off my To Do list.
2. I am grateful for Day 3 of gym with my daughter.
3. I am grateful for unsettled days which make me appreciate those which are more productive and settled.
4. I am grateful for my Dylan-man who has been seriously attentive lately, in spite of our visitor who seems to require an extraordinary amount of attention.
5. I am grateful for the new life I'm making for myself, and the realization that a partner will come into my life when we are both ready.

Love and light.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

January 15-16, 2014 Getting serious about living my Truth.

...but best of all, getting serious about getting up and moving more!

I started using My Fitness Pal again to track my food intake and exercise, because I remember that when I was using it before, I lost about 30 pounds and kept it off for at least a little while.  There is definitely something to be said for accountability.

Five days ago, I began holding myself accountable, and today, I'm down almost two pounds!  Not only that, the decluttering project I started in December but had put off (though it glared at me daily from my To Do List) finally got done yesterday!  Sure, it took nearly three hours, but oh, the calories I burned, and how much lighter I feel with all of the junk no longer piled up on the shelf under my window!

Sadly, my poor, neglected felines no longer have things to randomly knock to the floor, but they now have a clear, clean place from which to watch the birds frolic in the tree outside the window while I work to earn their daily kibble.

I didn't get around to finishing this post yesterday, so I'm going to continue with it today.

Interesting how synchronicity slips into our lives.  Today, I was working on my homework, and one of the questions led straight to the post I'd written on intimacy earlier this month.  Clearly, there is a reason I wrote the post, a reason a friend asked me to expand on a previous post, and a reason this issue is coming up for me now.

Part of the homework also involved using meditation to, essentially, poll body parts where we might be experiencing pain, so I focused, while doing homework, on a chronic tension spot in my back, and during my regular meditation, on what at first began as my left knee, but as I followed it further, originated in my left hip.

As I followed the pain backwards in time, I found what had come up to some degree in practice sessions I'd had this month.

When I was young, I had  case of measles which necessitated my staying in bed 100% of the time, even to using a bed pan for my bodily functions.  Ultimately, my mother had to do physical therapy exercises with me as a result of the confinement as I ended up with a hip spasm from lack of movement.  The issue plagued me for many years and caused limitations in my physical movement as a result.

As I meditated on the spot, I re-experienced the sense of humiliation from lack of privacy for my bodily functions, my frustration and not being allowed out of bed for two weeks (as I was, maybe 6 or 7 at the time, this was a misery far and above the misery of being sick!), and finally, the pain of the physical therapy which my mother finally ceased before the recommended time period.  In retrospect, I realized that she chose the lesser of two evils between helping heal me from the hip spasm and causing me pain.

In the meditation, I forgave her for making a choice which resulted in pain which lasted into my 20's, and thanked her for loving me enough to make a difficult choice.

I'd like to say that the pain in my hip was miraculously gone, but I know it is going to take some work to get through all of the emotions which are associated with this period of time in my life.  The truth is, I've brushed the surface and made a good start, but this is only one part of the convoluted feelings I carry towards my childhood in general and my mother in particular.  But recognizing an issue is the first step towards healing it, and in the last couple of weeks, I've acknowledged several pieces of my personal pie.

Both by myself and with the help of my teacher and classmates, I feel confident that I will heal this part of my personal past and continue moving closer to my own truth.

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the opportunity to sift back through the things which made me who I am, and to take the lessons while leaving the pain behind.
2. I am grateful for insights which come when I least expect them.
3. I am grateful to be learning to be compassionate towards myself because, only when I've learned that will I be able to fully extend that compassion to others.
4. I am grateful for the people I am now attracting who bring love, insight and humor into my life.
5. I am grateful for the opening of my heart, despite the fact that it is bringing more than a little trepidation into the mix right now.

Love and light.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

January 14, 2014 Suns, Moons, and Stars, Oh, My!

With a full moon in the forecast tomorrow, and, according to people who predict such things, it is supposed to be a very powerful, eclipse like one at that, I am inclined to experiment.

It was suggested that if we want to release something from our life which no longer serves us, we should write it on a piece of paper and either burn it or bury it today, then hang on tight for tomorrow's events.  Since there's always something in my life that I could stand to release, I figured, what do I have to lose?  I wrote a couple of words on a cute little sticky note which had my name on it as well as flowers and butterflies.  Using a ceramic bowl my daughter had made me a few years ago, I put the piece of paper into the bowl and lit it with one of those butane fire starters.  It burned for a bit, then went out.  This went on for several more tries (and this was only about a 2" by 2" piece of paper!) until I overheated the fire starter.  Digging through my junk drawer, I found another, and decided to put a piece of wax from the candleholders I'd unearthed by finishing the office decluttering I'd started last month, into the bowl.  I'm not sure whether or not that did the trick, but the last bit of paper burned very nicely.

Whatever happens, I feel lighter, so maybe it's all about believing?  It doesn't hurt that I had a very nice healing session with a classmate yesterday in which I released a bunch of old, cranky energy which hadn't served me well in...well, ever!  It could also be the fact that I finally packed up all of the Encyclopedia Brittanica, leaving room on the shelves for books that had been scattered around my office.  In the process, I also cleaned off the top of the bookshelves under my office window for the first time in recorded history.  Of course, it wasn't clear for very long, as the cats found the open window, the cleared space and the birds chirping in the tree outside, irresistable! 

It's a funny thing about decluttering.  Once you start, it's hard to stop!  I don't mean that I find myself cleaning something every day, but I now see many opportunities for getting rid of things I will never use again, nor have I needed in eons! 

But I do need to throttle back a bit so I can complete some other projects which have been on my desk for a month or so, and really need to be wound up soon.  One of those projects is the first draft of my book.  I've promised myself it would be completed by the end of January, and I'm starting to run short of time.  Fortunately, I'm really close to the end, knowing that it will undergo major revisions once I have that first pass down on computer.  At nearly 64,000 words, I'm still holding to my estimate that it will be between 70,000 and 75,000 upon completion of the draft.  I doubt I'll be far off! 

For now, I'll buckle my seat belt until I see what tomorrow's new moon might bring, and whether it's a full on, pyrotechnic display or a fizzle and a pop, I have plenty on my plate to keep me busy either way.

So tell me, do you do anything special for these extra powerful full moons, or double new moons or any of the other planetary contra dances occurring throughout the year?  Or do you plead complete ignorance and, by the way, who cares?  I'm curious as to what my readers think, and how they go about acting upon things which could alter, strengthen or blow up their chosen path.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for opportunities to try things, whether or not  they might yield results.  Experimentation eventually leads to some kind of discovery.
2. I am grateful for the desire that has arisen in me to clear out my space.
3. I am grateful for the patience my cats have had with all of the commotion, not to mention dust, I've been raising lately.
4. I am grateful for the first dance night of the week coming up tomorrow.
5. I am grateful for happy endings and new beginnings.

Love and light.

Monday, January 13, 2014

January 13, 2014 Improvements

I got up early today, didn't walk into anything an poured myself a normal sized cup of coffee.

To most people, the above statement wouldn't generate more than a "So?", but for those of us blessed with the klutz gene,  who almost daily find new mystery bruises on their body, who for no particular reason find themselves continuing to pour coffee, despite the fact that the cup is overflowing onto the counter, this is a banner day!

Yes, I have always been a klutz.  At her wit's end over my inability to cross a room without tripping or crashing into something, my mother enrolled me in a dance class at the age of 5.   Unbeknownst to her, the traits which drove her to distraction were so deeply ingrained in me, that no amount of instruction in grace and poise would ever change the fact that I'm a klutz.  Instead, she gave me a passion for dance which has followed me through my life, a gift I am constantly grateful for.  Had it not been for behaviour which embarrassed her, I might never have discovered one of my passions, so this klutziness definitely has its positive side! 

Is this mysterious gene inherited, you might ask, or is it simply a mutation.  If my daughters are any proof, it is definitely passed down, at least from mother to daughter. We spent their formative years comparing those mystery bruises. 

It may be connected to our ADHD because, otherwise, how do you explain acquiring these sometimes large, painful bruises without being aware of when you get them?  In the case of the coffee incident, I know for a fact that my mind was wandering (as when does it not?) and just lost track of how much coffee was already in the cup. 

These days, I spend more time thinking about the latest crazy dream, where my book is going next, or the next story idea than I do those mundane tasks like walking safely from room to room or doing those every day, mindless chores.  I mean, seriously, how much thought do you need to put into throwing a load of laundry into the machine or putting away dishes you've put away a thousand times? 

Life gives me so many moments to just let my imagination wander.  Why shouldn't I take advantage of them?  OK, so I missed my offramp....five miles back.  Yes, I went to the store and came back with at least four things missing.  Yes, I have had the same piece of paper on my desk for a month (and also on my To Do List) and I still haven't taken care of it.  It'll get done....eventually.

It is probably tied to what my mind finds important, and by important, I mean interesting.  It's a lot like the people I gravitate to these days.  They're typically smart, funny, thinking types whose minds make me sit up and say "Yeah!".  They may have strong ideas and beliefs, but are open to those of others, whether or not they might agree with them.  Oftentimes, they are beautiful examples of what I'm aspiring to be.  Most of all, they're creative in some way! 

More and more as my days as a freelancer stretch out, I realize that the most powerful driving force behind my ability to take this leap of faith is that I was bored out of my mind!  Nowadays, that is rarely an issue.  I can play a game if that's my desire, take a walk, work on some client stuff, write some more of my book, blog, do a tarot reading, meditate....even clean if that's what frosts my cupcake at the moment!  In short, no more boredom!  And now that my daughter is also free to make her own schedule, we'll be going to the gym regularly and working on getting healthier physically too.

It all boils down to this:  I love my life and I love the me I'm finally able to become!

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for how things always turn out for the best.
2. I am grateful for always having enough.
3. I am grateful for being so in love with my life that I don't want to sleep it away.
4. I am grateful for a schedule that's both full and flexible.
5. I am grateful for all of the people in my life who challenge me, push me, make me laugh, frustrate me until I make necessary changes and love me for the crazy, klutzy, nonconformist I am.

Love and light

Friday, January 10, 2014

January 10, 2014 Stealing an idea from Doreen Virtue: 2014 at a glance

After watching Doreen Virtue's 2014 Tarot reading and finding so much that I resonated with, I decided to do a personal one of my own.  I might add that I pulled the cards twice as, the first time, I had failed to light a candle, which I felt was important to the reading (don't ask me why, I just did).  Of course, it involved chasing the little cat I'm cat sitting off the desk as he didn't have the sense to leave the candle alone, like my own cats do. 

I'll just comment on the first pull because it probably had some significance which I chose to ignore for now.  It contained an extraordinary number of Major Arcana cards, which the one I chose to document did not. 

But without further ado, here's my version of 2014:

Personal 12 month Tarot Reading
Deck:  Spiral
Draw Date: January 10, 2014

January:  Nine of Wands  :  January sees me standing on my own with a great deal of energy and drive, though I’m perceiving that I need to pull back into myself, protecting what is mine.  I must be cautious to avoid pulling back too far or I might miss opportunities.  This will be a very productive month both work-wise and creatively as I’m focused and inclined towards reclusiveness to some degree.   The key areas of importance here are to guard against being unduly defensive and protective.
February:  Princess of Cups:  February sees me in a deeply introspective state, continuing the relative reclusiveness of January while bringing my heart to the forefront of my thoughts.  Creativity is still very much a part of my time and efforts, but matters of my heart become increasingly important if, as yet, unsatisfied.  I may find that I’m, as yet, unaware of growing attachments as I reside deeply within myself and my own, personal energies.
March:  Justice:  March will see me looking closely at all areas of my life and making some difficult decisions as to what I must keep and what I must let go if I’m to continue to grow and evolve.  It could also involve the editing of my book, when I’ll need to make some seemingly brutal cuts and changes to ensure continuity and readability of my first published work.  I could also see a drastic alteration in the path I set in motion last November, and implemented in early December.  It may become clear that some of what I took upon myself is not, ultimately in support of my greater good, and I’ll need to either change how I’m handling some things, or give them up in as professional and considerate a manner as possible.
April:  Seven of Swords:  In April, there will be definite differences of opinion as to what I should keep and what should be left behind.  Whether this applies to my book or to my accounting work, I will be inclined to guard what is near and dear to me, perhaps losing sight of what is truly best for me in the long run.  I will be inclined to want it all, but will know that isn’t possible.  I see this, in part, as a continuation of the editing and culling process which begins in March.  All in all, it is important that I weigh my choices carefully, listen to input from others and be willing to let go of things I’d rather not, for the good of my career, my personal life and my book.
May:  Knight of Pentacles:  Input from an unexpected but welcome source with fresh ideas will help me get things into perspective and help me make decisions which will positively impact my financial health.  I have laid the groundwork well, but mustn’t overlook the caring and feeding process of my ideas and the responsibilities I’ve taken on.  New ideas will have been planted as well, and I will be moving forward with some of them while continue to cultivate those already growing and thriving.   Accept advice and refrain from becoming defensive when my work is criticized.
June:  Ten of Pentacles :  June sees all of my efforts enjoying unprecedented success.  My accounting side business is thriving and taking up just the right amount of time.  My book is published and selling while work progresses smoothly on subsequent books.  It’s even possible that another of the books I have in progress has been completed, edited and published.  Beware that the pace with which things are happening leads to overindulgence or lack of personal care as I ride the waves of success, both financial and personal.  Goals are certainly met, but there is much work ahead if I’m going to stay at the top of my game.  More decisions may need to be made regarding how to effectively manage my work load.
July:  Queen of Wands:  Indications that a woman who is a “mover and shaker” will be at the forefront of my life in July.  This could be myself, a friend who has been encouraging me to follow my dream, or maybe even an editor or publisher who is interested in further promoting my work.  This woman holds a lot of power, though she wields it with grace.  She has the midas touch when it comes to creative endeavors and it seems that everything in which she has a hand thrives and grows, bringing nourishment and enlightenment to many.  She is a loving and giving soul, though she can be tough and decisive when the situation requires it.
August:  The Fool:  August will be a case of “be careful what you wish for”.  I’ll be stepping off the precipice into the realities of the choices I made months before, diving into a world which moves a great deal faster than I might have imagined.  It could be a month of book tours, or editorial meetings for one of my new projects.  It could be that my remodeling project finds new life, or that I find myself moving to someplace more suited to the new lifestyle I’ve acquired.  Whatever it might be, it will be in my best interests to be a little naïve and trusting, especially of the Universe and its plans for my future.  A new me is about to be born, and the crazy, wild horse stampede pace of the year will only increase from this point forward.
September:  Eight of Pentacles :  As I’ve sown, so shall I reap.  This isn’t a time to cease the hard work I’ve initiated this year.  In fact, the month may call for an even greater increase in effort and dedication to my craft.  Responsibilities continue to mount, delegation may be required and the number of projects on my plate continue to grow…and I am thriving as never before!  I’m so in love with the work I do that it’s hardly work at all, but purpose and love and sheer joy!
October:  Ace of Wands:  As if there wasn’t already enough on my plate, October shows yet another creative endeavor beginning.  Like the others, this one will progress quickly, burning up the path as it moves forward.  Divine connections will be easily recognized and utilized in this new project which looks to be for the Greater Good.  I will be guided to expend more effort towards helping others and supporting the causes which are most important to me.
November:  Three of Cups:  Celebrating with friends and family and those who have been instrumental in bringing about my many successes will be the keynote of November.  It will be a time to show my gratitude to all who have pushed, prodded, supported, encouraged and applauded me along the way.  I will be guided towards new and beautiful ways to express my gratitude, both privately and publicly.
December:  Ten of Swords:  There will be a sense of being overwhelmed, of having too many responsibilities and too many demands being made upon me, only exacerbated by the frenetic, holiday season.  It is important for me to realize that many of those demands are being made by myself, and to practice kindness to me, first, taking a few things off of my plate, some permanently, and some until after the holidays when social engagements diminish and preparations for family and friends are complete.  Once again, it could require me to delegate and to take time away from my writing to address my other responsibilities.

Overall, this reading is fairly evenly spread between the four suits and carries celebrations, successes and hard work in fairly equal measure.  There are certainly some pitfalls I must overcome, but in the end, it will be a truly amazing year!  (and what is success without some frustration and a few challenges to overcome?)

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful to last night's DJ who played a dance called "Deja Vu" when my spirits were rather low due to some weird signals I had been receiving from a client all day.  The dance is one of my favorites, and lifted my spirits amazingly!
2. I am grateful to the Universe which never fails to have my best interests at heart, and lately, has been making it clear sooner rather than later.
3. I am grateful for gratitudes which are very effective in pulling me out of a negative thought state.
4. I am grateful for my new morning routine of jumping out of bed, eager to meet the day's joys, challenges, responsibilities and surprises.
5. I am grateful to my daughter who bought us Lion King tickets for Chanukah, for tonight's show!  Hakuna Matata!!!

Love and Light

Thursday, January 9, 2014

January 9, 2014 Intimacy

After yesterday's post, I was asked to clarify what I mean by intimacy.  I'm going to begin by simply posting the definition from Random House Kernerman Webster's College dictionary:

in•ti•ma•cy (ˈɪn tə mə si)

n., pl. -cies.
1. the state of being intimate.
2. a close, familiar, and affectionate personal relationship.
3. a close association with or deep understanding of a place, subject, etc.
4. an act or expression serving as a token of familiarity or affection: the intimacy of using first names.
5. a sexual liberty.
6. privacy, esp. as suitable to the telling of a secret: in the intimacy of his studio.
And as it is, in the first definition, described as "the state of being intimate" (I do hate when they just refer back to another word!)  here, too, is that definition:
in•ti•mate1 (ˈɪn tə mɪt)

1. associated in close personal relations: an intimate friend.
2. characterized by or involving warm friendship or a familiar association or feeling: an intimate greeting.
3. private; closely personal: one's intimate affairs.
4. characterized by or suggesting privacy or intimacy; cozy: an intimate café.
5. (of an association, knowledge, understanding, etc.) arising from close personal connection or familiar experience.
6. engaging in or characterized by sexual relations.
7. (of apparel) worn next to the skin.
8. showing a close union or combination of particles or elements: an intimate mixture.
9. inmost; personal: intimate secrets.
10. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of the inmost or essential nature: the intimate structure of an organism.
11. an intimate friend or associate. 
As I briefly explained to my friend, my struggles are on several levels, probably beginning with the first definition of "intimate".  For whatever reason, issues from my past, ancestral issues, early childhood development or something else, I struggle to develop close, open bonds with other people.  In some ways, it probably relates to times when my trust was betrayed, but in others, it was something that was missing in my upbringing.  But whatever the cause, I trust that, in this lifetime, it is for me to figure it out and work through it.  
I may not actually find the root of the problem, and that will be fine, so long as I find a way past the blockage to where I can be completely open with other individuals, allowing them to see the real me without benefit of any of the walls I've erected over the years.  
One or two times during this lifetime, I've allowed someone to get close enough to me, to know me so well that they could finish my sentences, and I, theirs'.  At the moment, the only person in my life who is that close to me is my daughter, Heather.  I have reached a place in my life where I realize that is not enough, and that my daughter has a life of her own to live, and friends of her own to have this closeness with.  Essentially, I need to get out and make my own friends of this nature.  
I know that part of my block is deeply rooted in my own trust issues.  I have put far too much importance on the times my trust has been betrayed, and far too little into the lessons I learned from the experience.  Now it's time for me to put things in perspective and allow myself to grow.
I also find it difficult to engage in the intimacy of physical touch.  I've learned to offer loving, sincere hugs, but am still reticent to offer them unless I'm reasonably sure the intended recipient is receptive.  My ultimate goal is to offer them regardless of how they might be received or even rejected.  
I also find that during my lessons in healing, I am having to put more effort into healing touch, and as a result, I'm intentionally choosing that route because it is more difficult for me.  Talking, testing with the pendulum, visualizing, all come fairly easily to me so I need to stretch my kinesthetic abilities which are still in their infancy.  They will probably never be at the level of some of my classmates, and that's ok as I have other gifts they currently don't, but I would like to develop them as far as possible.
Finally, and the most difficult for me to discuss, is my intimacy issues with regard to a romantic partner.  For most of my life, and I have no idea where it comes from right now, I have associated sexual intimacy with at the very least, the suggestion of abuse.  It might be bondage or humiliation or subordination.  But regardless, I know in my heart that it isn't right.  As I become more conscious of how distorted my concept of physical intimacy is, and how far removed it is from true romantic intimacy, I am faced with a broken bridge which cannot be crossed until it is repaired.  
I know I'm changing, evolving, because dreams I used to have depicting my distorted viewpoints or betrayals have ceased.  My heart and my mind are seeking to bridge the gaps, heal the hurts and take only the lessons away, but, like an onion, there are many layers which brought me to where I am today.  
My goal, right now, is to slowly heal and remove those layers until, finally, I reach what I want the most:  an open heart, able to easily give and receive intimacy on any and all levels available.

I hope this will not be perceived as over sharing.  I try, in this blog, to speak directly and, when asked, to address a subject as openly and honestly as possible.  As always, all comments, suggestions and personal experiences are welcome.

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for friends who encourage me to step outside of my comfort zone.
2. I am grateful for being able to process and release a lot of the layers under which I have been hiding.
3. I am grateful for the strength to step outside of my comfort zone more and more.
4. I am grateful for the words which come to me when I need them.
5. I am grateful for the levels of intimacy I have been able to achieve so far as they give me hope for further development as I travel my path.

Love and light


Wednesday, January 8, 2014

January 8, 2014 Serendipty

I was journaling for my ART class this morning and realized that what I was writing should also be a blog post, so here it is!

As this month has been one of transformation for me, I have not followed a lot of my normal practices, but have allowed things to evolve as they would.  

For the first three weeks, I simply allowed myself to enjoy the holiday preparations.  I did my shopping, leisurely wrapped packages, did some decluttering, put up the tree (though it never got decorated), went to the gym when I felt like it, danced a lot, and did a lot of self-healing. 
As the New Year approached, I honored some work related commitments and continued to work on my book which passed the 60,000 word mark by early January.  

During one self-healing session, I was experiencing an upset stomach which was going to interfere with a movie day with my kids.  I tried a couple of things, but finally just imagined water flushing whatever toxins were upsetting my stomach away, and went on to enjoy a fun movie and froyo with the kids.

But I realized that I hadn’t gotten to the root of the problem, which became especially apparent when I started working on this month’s homework.  

And here, I will digress a bit.  I’ve discovered that the homework keeps increasing in intensity and, as a result, I can only manage to work on it for a couple of hours at a time before I need to take a break.  Although  I might be tempted to pick it up again, my Higher Self and Guides turn me away, letting me know that I need to allow what I’ve done to settle before moving on.

Back to the topic at hand (for my non-ADHD readers who might find my rapid topic changes slightly unsettling):  While going through the first couple of chapters and associated questions, it became brutally apparent that the issue I’ve been struggling with, and which is directly associated with the second chakra which I’ve been working to clear for the last 6 months or so (rather successfully, I might add), is intimacy.  

I’ve shown resistance to intimacy in many ways, but am, only now, becoming aware of the interrelationship between them.  

First, I have a really hard time making close friends, not because people aren’t out there who would be easy to connect with, but because I am still shy of letting anyone get too close.  I have, in the last couple of years, been blessed with many wonderful, amazing, caring, positively charged women in my life.  Though I have certainly opened myself up to friendships, I am not yet, for some reason, at a point where I can form the really close bonds I see they all have with at least one other woman.  

And here, I must digress again, because December saw me having to end a relationship too.  The kids and I had made a lot of effort to include her in holidays and such, despite the fact that it meant a great deal of driving to pick her up, bring her here, then return her to her home again.  On Thanksgiving, she was given a time frame for pickup, yet needed to make numerous phone calls when the earlier time had passed.  Unbeknownst to her, we were wrestling with a power problem and were not near our phones at the time.  

Upon her arrival where the festivities were well underway, with everyone cheerfully adjusting to the temporary arrangements we had to make to get dinner finished, she brought a blast of negative energy in the form of her obvious annoyance.  She promptly sat on the couch and expected everyone to serve her instead of getting up and using her walker to take her the 8 feet or so to the dining room table where the buffet was set up (I should note that she had no problem taking care of herself the year before, and frankly, I’d think she’d prefer to do as much as possible for herself!).  

She expressed annoyance at the silliness which was going on around her, and when it was time to take her home, complained about it to my son-in-law the entire way home.  

My kids subsequently expressed a lack of desire to repeat the process for Christmas (which as it turns out, was a good thing, when my daughter insisted we all unwrap our first presents from her, and a Nerf gun fight erupted in my living room!)  Thus, we gave her no time for pickup and sent her a Christmas gift which began arriving well before the Day.  

The day before Christmas, she wanted to know when to expect Mathom, and I let her know we weren’t including her for this one as she was not comfortable with my adopted grandson.  To make a long story short (and because I’m tired of the negative energy this discussion is exuding) she posted some pretty vituperative remarks publicly on Facebook which resulted in my unfriending her.  I didn’t realize at the time that she could still private message me until her anger erupted into my private message box.  At that point, I found that I could also block her and have done so.  

Although I am saddened to have to take such a strong stand, I realize that this was a test of my boundaries, and the fact that I needed to re-establish them with her.  She takes no responsibility for the fact that she has pushed her son and most of her friends away (by her own admission, friends used to come help her but rarely do any more) and now, my kids and I as well, by her constant complaining and expectations that the world should stop when she’s around and focus on her.    I wish her the best and hope she sees what she’s doing before it’s too late.  My thoughts for her involve a great deal of imaginary, heart-shaped confetti these days, love and light, and all of the blessings that are hers for the seeking.  

I don’t know if extending myself to her, only to find that the ugliness was still within her has been a setback to resolving my own intimacy issues.  It has certainly reminded me that those issues are not new to me, and certainly have something to do with the lack of intimacy in my youth, the subsequent choices I made which continued to “look for love in all the wrong places” as the song says, and the closing off I’ve done for the past 15 years or better. 

But whatever is behind it, as this is a year of putting my comfort zone behind me, I’m looking for ways to continue the process.  I’m reinstating my attendance at the Wednesday night 2-step classes for starters.  I’m doing my best to reach out to friends and family in a more loving, caring way which includes lowering my own walls still further.  And I’m opening myself up to the possibility, the very real possibility that I could meet someone and actually start dating again.    I felt a certain lightness after I typed that, and even heaved a sigh of relief, so I’m sure that by putting it out there like this, I’ve given the Universe the permission it needed, let it know that I’m ready to allow a kind of attention I’ve shied away from for a long time.

And all of this is why I have to take my homework in small bites.  When I work on homework, or re-evaluate the personal healing sessions I do, it’s exhausting!  I need time to refresh and regroup before moving on.

And speaking of healing sessions:  I had my monthly massage with Barb and told her I’d hit a block on my book.  I told her what I’ve already mentioned to others about how the latest chapter just wasn’t coming together.  I felt like I was missing an important part.  I’m so glad I did!  During the session, after she did a chelation and made a beeline for my left hip which had been hurting (and gave it a really good working out in the process!), I found myself drifting to the sticky part of the book, and suddenly, I had exactly what I needed to go on!  At first, I was worried that I’d forget by the time I got home to write it down, then realized that all I needed to do was to sit at the computer and allow.  The rest would happen without any effort on my part, because, in truth, the answer was in my subconscious mind all the time!!!

After running a number of errands (as I’m now working from home, I seem to have a preference for bundling things together so I have full days when I don’t leave the house), I came home and put the words down on screen while munching on a sandwich and soup I’d picked up at the market.  The relief at putting an end to my writer’s frustration (this was more than a mere block!) was immense!!

At the risk of writing something so long that nobody will want to take the time to read this, I'll end it here with my gratitudes and maybe write some more in another post tonight.)

1. I am grateful for lessons.
2. I am grateful for reminders that only I can set and maintain my boundaries.
3. I am grateful for the enlightenment I am receiving through homework and practice sessions.
4. I am grateful for the loving examples I have around me which will enable me to achieve the levels of intimacy I desire.
5. I am grateful for the additional energy I'm experiencing in this new life I've given myself.

Love and light (and heart shaped confetti where it's wanted or needed)