Welcome to my Journey

Hello, and welcome to my Journey. Over the last few years I have been learning more about my personal journey, my Path and my Soul Purpose. The further I travel, the easier I find it to share my journey with others, and to learn from their journeys as well. The most recent evolution has caused me to expand my Universe and allow more people access to my travels, as well as allowing me access to more people, their travels and what they have learned as they walk their own paths. Feel free to share your journey here as we all have much to learn in our lives as Divine Beings having a Human experience.

Love and Light.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

October 30, 2012 Friends and lessons

I discovered today that sometimes, instead of struggling with a lesson, the best thing to do is ask for help.  Now, those who know me are aware that asking for help is one of the hardest things for me to do.  So by posting my frustration with my inability to get past people who push my buttons and how I allow them to make me react, I inadvertently asked for, and received help from friends who read this blog.  Not only did I get some great ideas for working past my issues, I actually learned a different lesson in the process!  Asking for help does not make one weaker, in fact, it makes you stronger because you get the benefit of a whole different perspective and other brains to help work through a problem and make it a challenge you can succeed at!  And the Universe strikes again!

At any rate, a friend suggested imagining throwing handfuls of heart shaped confetti at those who make me nuts, not only at the time of nutso making, but every time they come to mind for any reason.  I tried this with the two co-workers and lo and behold, I found myself being very cheerful, but carefully guarded with them today.  In fact, while walking by one's office, I offered a very cheerful "good morning!" and saw him almost choke on the sandwich he was eating.  I'm afraid I shocked him with my cheerfulness!  That, in and of itself is a major bonus!  So here's to tossing handfuls of heart shaped confetti on anything and anyone which causes me even the slightest amount of annoyance, aggravation or stress!  Because with imaginary heart shaped confetti, the stress evaporates in, well, a cloud of confetti! 

On another topic, I had just about made it to the end of the day without another text from the ex-contractor when I picked up my phone to make a call around 7PM and found that he had, indeed, not gotten the message when I refrained from answering his last text.  Although he "gave me until Monday to change my mind because he likes me", he has now waited yet another day to file for bankruptcy and is now offering to make a good faith payment of $2000 if only I will agree to get the state to unsuspend his license.  More heart shaped confetti was flung his way, even as I laughed at how, when he had the opportunity to make good, he didn't, and now that he's under the gun, it's my responsibility to fix things!  It reminds me of the issue with my daughter, Jenni which cost me a 30 year friendship because I refused to fix something I'd warned her against doing in the first place!  Maybe I'm cold and unfeeling to these people, but the choices they make are for the purpose of learning lessons.  It is NOT my place to deprive them of those lessons!  In fact, I would be doing them a serious disservice.  It reminds me of the story of the man who snipped off the top of a cocoon to help a butterfly emerge, only to find that the butterfly came out malformed because squeezing out of the cocoon in its own time was part of what was required for it to be a healthy, thriving butterfly. 

That is not to say that I would refuse to help someone who was truly in need.  But when someone gets themself into a fix which they could have prevented had they chosen differently, then expects others to bail them out, I have to politely decline the invitation.  And many people have learned, to their dismay, that badgering me is the worst way to gain my assistance.  No, it's the second worst, now that I think about it.  Lying to me is the worst!!!  Call me mean, but I just don't respond to hard sell salespeople, liars or whiners.  Be straight with me, and I'm loyal as the day is long.  Otherwise, I'm sorry, but I'm just not your girl!!

I will be the first to admit that I am not the easiest person to have around, but I guarantee that I will, at times, shake things up and make those around me think! 

At any rate, I've added another step up on learning the lesson of allowing others to help, of asking for that help.  I've gained some insight into how I might keep my cool in not so cool situations, and feel really good about sticking to my guns with regard to what's right.  I told my daughter tonight that, although I really want to get my money back, I won't do it at the expense of allowing a disreputable person to get away with not fulfilling their obligations.  The terms of the binding arbitration which we both agreed to were that he either paid me in full within the stated time, or his license is revoked.  He utilized all of the delays available to him, from delaying the hearing for a month to using the 60 days between the decision and the suspension date, and now he's used 60 of the 90 days they so generously gave him between suspension and revocation.  It is not my plan to thwart the due process.    However, I do wish him well, and hope that he is kinder and more honest with people after this.

One other thing I forgot to mention.  I learned tonight that one of the cousins I stopped hearing from after my Mom's death is fighting what may be her last fight of a 7 year battle with cancer.  She is 11 days older than I am.  My heart goes out to her and her family, her parents, her two sisters, her children and all of the extended family tonight.  I wish her a minimum of pain, and if at all possible, a complete recovery.  I wish I had known sooner and might have sent healing energy to her earlier.  I realize that what I send now may be too little, too late, but I hope that, if nothing else, it eases some of her pain.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for friends who recognize a request for help even when I, myself, don't even realize that's what I'm doing.
2. I am grateful for unique solutions to seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
3. I am grateful for my health.
4. I am grateful for a really great physical therapist who pushes me harder and harder every week!  I know that today's hurt will become a much faster healing than I could have had on my own!
5. I am grateful for so many opportunities to learn new lessons and master old ones.

Love and light.

Monday, October 29, 2012

October 29, 2012 Lessons revisited

Today I did something I keep swearing I won't allow myself to do again!  I allowed two difficult people to make me react.  I keep talking to myself and trying to be calm and listen, but these two people just seem to bring out the worst in me!  I know this is a lesson which keeps repeating because I need to learn from it, but despite my best intentions, I just blow it!  I allow them to frustrate me and exhaust me and drive me to distraction and frankly, neither of them is worth even a single breath of my time!  So why do I keep allowing this to happen?  I'm better than this!  Besides patience, I'm sure there is a lesson I'm supposed to be getting out of this, but I am either oblivious or just plain stupid when it comes to this particular lesson, and that infuriates me even more!!!  Granted, this time, I managed to actually make some valid points, but I still reacted first, and I am really tired of doing that!  But what to do to fix it continues to elude me!  What's even worse is that I couldn't even manage to meditate today as is my habit.  I just couldn't settle, and a mental rant wasn't enough to relax me into a nice, calming meditation.  I need to find another outlet before I just haul off and bop one of them in the shnoz!!

Thankfully, I came home to a quiet house and snuggly kitties, which calmed me down some, but I am still frustrated with myself and desperately want to do better.  I even try sending love and light to these people, but the trouble is, I can't manage to do it sincerely so it is, of course, ineffective.  I've even tried just keeping my door closed all day, but it's just not enough to avoid the negative energy, nor to keep me from exuding some of my own which further annoys me.  OK, so I'm allowing myself to get into a downward spiralling cycle, and only I can reverse it.  At the moment, having two days a week of morning Physical Therapy is a huge blessing as I get in a bit later in the day and have that many fewer hours in that environment.  I know I should do something to improve it.  Perhaps I should bring some flowers in tomorrow to cheer up my office? 

I am going to put some serious thought into reversing the pattern of negativity in my office.  I even left the house today thinking that it was going to be a wonderful day.  I guess that kept it from being completely horrible, so starting the day with positive thoughts sure doesn't hurt.  I just need to find a way to sustain them through any and all kinds of aggravation.

So for tonight, I will forgive myself, yet again, for reacting.  I will endeavor to hold positive thoughts, regardless of the provocation, and I will give my kitties some extra love tonight, just for being there.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for forgiveness as I find many occasions to forgive myself my transgressions.
2. I am grateful for kitty love that washes away even the worst days.
3. I am grateful for my Physical Therapist who is getting me past the temporary limitations.
4. I am grateful for the ability to write and get negative thoughts out of myself, leaving plenty of room for joy and goodness.
5. I am grateful for the abundance of positive energy being sent to the east coast to help protect people and animals from the worst of the hurricane.

Love and light.

October 28, 2012 Over doing it soooo good!

Between last night's dancing,and today's errands and weight lifting, courtesy of the 40 pound boxes of cat sand, my knee has definitely been happier, but even so, by the time I got back from a wonderful evening with friends and the Dukes of Doo Wop, I didn't even need to ice it!  Another sign that full recovery isn't far away!

At any rate, this will be extremely short as I'm exhausted (didn't even make up breakfast and lunch for tomorrow) and almost didn't get this written at all.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for new experiences.
2. I am grateful for completed chores.
3. I am grateful for sunny days and blue skies.
4. I am grateful for continued improvement in the healthy and fit department.
5. I am grateful for abundance and being able to do whatever I want to do.

Love and light.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

October 27, 2012 Life's a dance...

Oh my goodness!  What an amazing night of dancing!! And it was great fun dancing in a costume this year.  OK, so it was pretty much in character, it was still a costume!  So many creative people again this year!  We had a bullrider and her rodeo clown, complete with bull and barrel, a few pimps and Robin Hoods, the ugliest good fairy I have EVER seen who stood next to the dance floor guzzling beer from a pitcher, a couple of girls in poodle skirts, a spider and her fly, Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf, devils and vampires...oh I could go on and on!  Halloween is always so much fun at Borderline, and I always enjoy running around, taking pictures.  Of course, when the younger crowd starts coming in around 9:30, the amount of clothing worn diminishes rapidly!  I think a few of the older guys hang around just to see the show!!  Naughty nurses and schoolgirls seem to make old guys crazy! :) 

I manage about a 50 minute meditation this afternoon until Toby decided that I would make a good bed provided I also skritch him just so.  I focused, at the beginning on sending love and light to the ex contractor in hopes that he would stop texting me, thinking that I'd actually do anything to help him out of the predicament he got himself into by being unscrupulous.  On the good side, I had a very nice meditation with some interesting visuals.  But on the down side, the moron texted me again before I left for Borderline, but the real kicker was the ones I got after I got there.  After telling me earlier in the day that he would put my name on his bankruptcy (as well he should since I am, essentially, a creditor), he actually sent me a text telling me that, since he liked me, he was going to give me until Monday to change my mind about helping him out.  Seriously???? I'm becoming convinced that he left his brains in an ash tray back in the 60's!    But I realized that responding to his texts was just giving him false hope, so I have responded to his pleas for the last time.  I suspect that there will be some abuse before long when he realizes that he cannot manage to cajole me into forgetting about the lies he's been telling and the nonsense he's been pulling for over a year now.  I told him that he'd made his bed and should now lie in it like a man.  I won't tell him again.  I guess there are some people who learn from their mistakes and others who can't even admit to themselves that they erred.  Do they go through their life making the same mistakes over and over and just shifting the blame to someone else?  Do they ever learn the lesson or do they come back, lifetime after lifetime, repeating themselves for eternity?  Wouldn't it be kinder to just bring them back as a water buffalo for a change, and let them live a life of service, and of having the crap kicked out of them when they don't perform? 

I don't profess to understand all of the machinations of the Universe.  But I do know that love begets love and crap begets crap.  But if you don't recognize crap for what it is, how can you ever get away from it to find the love?  I refuse to believe that some souls are destined to always live with crap and never with love.  There had to be some point in their lives when they did something worth saving. 

I suppose the solution for me is to continue sending him love and light and hope that some of it finally gets through.  I can help him that way because I know that giving him what he thinks he wants right now would not help him at all because removing the consequence denies him the chance to learn the lesson and move on to something new and different.

Tonight's gratitudes are:
1. I am grateful that I am able to learn the lessons put before me.
2. I am grateful that I was given a sense of humor, albeit warped, with which to view life and it's twists and turns.
3. I am grateful for all of the loving that has come into my life, and will never, ever take it for granted!
4. I am grateful for another fun and long night of dancing.
5. I am grateful for my thin legs which remind my body of the fitness it is achieving, one day at a time.

Love and light.

Friday, October 26, 2012

October 26, 2012 Ghouls, Goblins and...Ghosts of Contractors Past????

Tonight I joined the kids and a couple of our friends for the annual Ghost Walk here in town.  It's a semi-spooky, semi-humorous walk through local history so we get amused, exercised and educated, in one, fell swoop!  The terrain is somewhat uneven as you walk dirt paths from one vignette to another, 13 in all (an appropriate number for All Hallow's Eve), and by the end, my knee was not as happy as it could have been, but I'm very glad I went as I hadn't gone in a few years and enjoyed the last visit immensely. 

Just before I left for dinner with the kids, I received a text message from someone who was not in my phone.  Upon reading the message, I knew exactly who it was from, and boy, was I surprised (though in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have been).  It was none other than the low-life, deadbeat contractor I fired almost a year ago, and who was supposed to have paid me back most of the unspent money I'd given him (or at least, unspent on ME!) by the end of July.  Of course, the CSLB gave him another 30 days after he failed to pay before they suspended his license, and another 90 days after that before they will revoke it.  Well, folks, that 90 day point is less than a month away, and I had not heard a thing from him until tonight, when he crawled out from under his rock to text me a tale of woe about how he'd tried to sell his house so he could pay me back, but the deal fell through so unless I agreed to take a payment plan AND get the State to reinstate his license so he could work, he'd have no choice but to file bankruptcy.  Not only that, he not so subtly implied that his inability to work and impending bankruptcy were somehow my fault!  After telling him quite clearly that I didn't trust him and that, frankly, he had balls asking me for yet another favor (of course I put it more delicately than that), he sent one more whiny text and finally went away.  Thinking about it later, I should have said, oh yeah,  sure, but I want the whole amount back instead of just what the arbitrator awarded me and, oh, by the way, I want 6% interest since last October when I gave him the money in the first place!  But the reality is, I was pretty much reconciled to the fact that I might never see the money, or would have to take another legal track to get it, but from my standpoint, it's far more important that he not be able to hurt anyone else with his sleazy, underhanded, dishonest behaviour.  The fight for the money is my lesson to be less trusting and more careful, but I also feel a responsibility for others who might be less able to bear a loss and less willing to fight back.  He can call me whatever he wants to at this point, but his accusations and nastiness fall on deaf ears.  As my dad used to say "screw me once, shame on you.  Screw me twice, shame on me."  Shame on you, Fritz, for thinking that you could continue to take advantage of my good nature. 

Whew!  I haven't had a good rant in awhile!  Just coming out of left field like that stirred up all sorts of pent up ranting!  I feel so....cleansed!  And after a nice stroll through historical buildings and scenes on a brisk autumn night with good friends and family, I am so ready for a busy and fun-filled weekend!!! 

I also spent some time on the phone and the internet today and managed to find good tires for my car for over $100 less apiece than the first ones I found.  Costco is definitely not the best place to buy tires!  I am so proud of myself for doing my research, finding what would be best for my car, and refusing to pay too much for the privilege! 

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my strength.
2. I am grateful for walking.
3. I am grateful that I found a better price on tires, and found what would work best on my car.
4. I am grateful for laughter.  It makes everything taste better!
5. I am grateful for a weekend filled with friends, music, dancing, laughter and fun.

Love and light.

October 25, 2012 Running amok!

As promised, the endorphins did their running amok dance tonight and were quite pleased with themselves for the amokness.  Although the evening lacked a few male dancer types, there was plenty of line dancing and chatting with friends.  Yet another altogether perfect night.

More changes are in the air.  I felt that "we're going to Disneyland tomorrow" feeling in the pit of my stomach today, and stopped for a second, like a dog sniffing the air, to see if I could figure out where the changes might be coming from.  Failing to locate the source, I simply gave gratitude for new things coming into my life.

There's been a lot of talk about love recently.  Love coming into our lives, loving ourselves, loving our connection with the Divine.  Not only love, but partnerships.  Coming together to make something bigger, better and stronger.  Partnerships with our humanity and our divinity.  Partnerships for a higher purpose.  If you ask me, the momentum which began awhile ago is gaining speed and soon you will either get on this fast moving bullet train of change or get the heck out of the way. 

But getting on the train is only half of it.  There won't be any who are merely passengers, along for the ride.  Everyone on this train will be an active participant.  Each will have an important role to play as this new era unfolds.  Some may know their roles long before the train reaches their station, but it really isn't necessary to know what it is right now.  When the moment comes, everyone will know what they need to and will simply do what needs to be done.

I found a couple of strange things when I got home tonight.  The door to the cupboard where I keep my dishes was ajar, which, in and of itself isn't strange as the door has to be closed just so, or it swings back open.  But on the third shelf, I have some old parfait glasses which belonged to my mom.  I found one of them on the floor in my entry hall, completely unharmed, but when I went to put it back in the cupboard, there was another empty space and when I looked down at the counter, there was another glass with the base snapped off.  I thought briefly that it might have been one of the cats, but I just can't see them jumping up to the third shelf and doing nothing but dislodging a couple of glasses.  Also, why did the one that hit the counter break while the one that hit the floor remained intact?   This was strange enough, but when I entered my den, I discovered a bunch of books on the floor.  Some had come from the shelf and others were piled on the counter and a bin.  Normally, I'd just attribute this to the cats as they love to knock books off of surfaces, but after finding the parfait glasses, I'm just not sure.   Could there have been a minor earthquake here today? 

Another strange thing that happened today was a weird grinding sound which seems to be coming from the glove compartment of my car, and which occurs when I start the car, goes on for a few seconds, then stops.  All in all, there have been a number of things today which just seemed to happen to attract my attention, and for no other apparent reason.  Perhaps my dreams will bring answers.

The Halloween costume I ordered came in today.  Having a lull in my workload, I decided to try it on and see what a couple of my co-workers thought.  It actually looks pretty good, though I need to do some serious ironing as it was packed into a little package which did nothing for it's overall look!  But it will be fun to dress up for a change, and it shouldn't be too bad to dance in as it's short and mostly cotton, and off the shoulder.  I will, however, need to wear shorts or dance pants under it as it will likely reveal more than I would like when I spin.  But what fun it will be do dance in a dress and petticoat again!!! 

The weekend is shaping up to be quite busy.  We were invited to join some friends at the Ghost Walk tomorrow night and want to hit the mall where some Halloween stuff is supposed to be going on.  Halloween dancing on Saturday night and a drive out to Burbank to see a friend's husbands band.  And somewhere in there, I need to go shopping and get new front tires for my car!  I will find enough hours in the day, but there will be no sleeping in for me this weekend, that's for sure!!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the continued healing of my knee, thanks in no small part to the healing energy from all of my dance friends and their good wishes.
2. I am grateful for new beginnings.
3. I am grateful for love.
4. I am grateful for ever-increasing abundance.
5. I am grateful for the lessons which teach me to be more patient, forgiving and understanding.

Love and light.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

October 24, 2012 Enlightening discoveries

I was having a rather trying morning today, and was really working myself up into a lather, but ultimately, it led to an interesting discovery.  When I sat down to meditate as is my habit during my lunch hour, I found myself mentally continuing my rant towards a couple of co-workers.  As I wound myself down, I found myself thinking, OK, now I've got that out of my system, I can forgive them for their actions and myself for reacting, send them love and let it all go.  And that is EXACTLY what I did!!!  In essence, I gave myself permission to release the anger,  frustration and annoyance and just move on.  I ended up having one of the most enervating meditations I'd had in quite awhile, emerging refreshed and in my joy once again.  What I learned from this experience is that we really do need to allow ourselves to vent at times, but after the venting, we need to regain our positive outlook through forgiveness and love, both for others and, most especially, for ourselves. 

Later in the day, I got a call offering me a class I had earlier discussed with another co-worker in which we both agreed that management would not be willing to expend the necessary funds for me to attend.  Not only was I offered the opportunity and asked if I was interested, but my opinion was sought as to who else might benefit, and what would be gained from the experience.  I truly believe that by putting my anger aside, I attracted good things.  What an epiphany that was! 

As I ponder my last sentence, I realize that I have been experiencing an awful lot of epiphanies lately!  Could it be connected with the conscious opening of my heart?  There's a thought I'll ponder for awhile as I work on getting my dinner made and some evening chores done. 

Thinking about it, I've been offered a lot of challenges lately, from which I have gained valuable lessons.  While some things continue to challenge me, I know that, whether I see it or not, I'm getting closer to mastering those lessons too.  So I get an amazing sense of accomplishment, even as a new challenge is placed before me.  I can congratulate myself on successfully learning, knowing all the while that the lessons will keep coming and meeting them head on makes me stronger, better and yes, happier.  I watch as friends begin clearing negativity and clutter from their lives and can clearly see the road I've traveled and how far I've come.  I know that I can handle whatever I'm given, and that learning gives me the tools to take another step up in my climb to the next level.  I am no longer afraid because I have exactly what I need to succeed and accomplish my next goal.  In so doing, even more tools will be acquired for my use in facing the new challenges which always come on the heels of another success.  Thus, my brain keeps expanding to accommodate all of the new knowledge! 

After releasing the negativity and focusing on love and forgiveness, I found myself imagining my life in 5 and 10 years, and what I saw made me smile hugely.  I saw myself healthy and fit, relaxing in my fully remodeled home, sipping a glass of wine with a friend while my cats were lounging around the room or in my lap, as is their habit.  My office was completely organized and I had several projects in process.  There was a feeling of enormous love and well-being.  I felt a huge sigh as I settled back into the sofa cushions and just enjoyed being me.  And I felt extremely grateful for the abundance in my life. 

And as I envision, so shall it be.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for challenges which lead to lessons.
2. I am grateful that I've learned to forgive and love.
3. I am grateful for quiet evenings at home to balance out the hours I spend working and playing.
4. I am grateful for pleasant surprises.
5. I am grateful for opportunities to learn and grow and become a better me.
and an extra one tonight: 
6. I am grateful for meditations which help me open my mind and heart to possibilities beyond anything I could have ever imagined.

Love and light.

October 23, 2012 Another late night!

Tonight rather got away from me.  I was late getting home as I had to stop at TJ's to get the salmon they were out of on Sunday.  And even though I started the laundry while dinner was cooking, somehow, it still managed to take longer than I'd planned.  Add to that some work I needed to get done, icing of the knee that had to happen after an extra hard physical therapy session this morning, and here it is, almost 1 AM!!!  I guess it's a good thing I don't have much to say tonight as I'd be here for another hour if I did!

The day was very quiet with only a couple of projects to finish off, at least the preliminaries.  Now to await the inevitable and needed comments from the rest of our newest addition, the Capture Team!  Never a dull moment in Corporate-land!  Here a project, there a crisis, everywhere a blah blah. :)  But it keeps life interesting.  Sure, I could do without the politics and the pettiness, but overall, there's always something to learn or a challenge to surmount, all of which keep the brain cells generating and the fountain of youth full to the brim!  Nobody ever said it had to be full of water, now, did they?  What about a fountain of knowledge?  Or better still, chocolate!  (although the knowledge is more likely to aid in youthfulness, I'm afraid!)

But the weeks continue to fly by and I will be getting some more things to fill up my Chanukah-mas suitcases with.  I don't know if I mentioned it, but every year, I stick the presents in the back of my closet until I can wrap them.  And every year, as we're unwrapping gifts, I suddenly say, "now where is such and such? I know I got it for you!"  which amuses the heck out of Heather, but she's come to expect it.  This year will be different, I'm filling up suitcases with my purchases so all I need to do is remember what is for who.  I started with a small rolling suitcase, but it's already full so I think I'll use my bigger one for the next round of shopping.  With luck, it will hold most of the rest.  As we had the wedding this year, I'm not planning on anything really big this time!  But there are certain traditions which must be upheld, and I've not even begun to fulfill them!  There's also a certain little boy and his dad who must be included this year, so it is shaping up to be a rather fun and unusual year!  My next ambitious task will have to be a thorough scrubbing of the house, with special attention paid to the floors!  I've been a shlump the last couple of weeks but the knee is healing fairly nicely so I have no further excuses for living like a piggy!  The mop and bucket are coming out this weekend and the cats will have to be corralled so I can get things clean!  I know Miss Patches will be less than amused to be shut up with my mischievous boys, but I'm sure she'll appreciate the clean smelling house that results. 

So this weekend, I have cleaning, tire shopping and resumption of the search for an asbestos tester and a structural engineer on my list of things to do.  Also, a birthday party and a concert!  And of course, dancing (as if I need to even mention it?  It is, after all, a given!)  Perhaps its time to make some lists to I can at least check off the things I manage to get accomplished?  Each check mark is a personal attaboy and will keep me motivated to get things done, I think!

So, tonight's gratitudes are:
1. I am grateful for a clean, fresh smelling house.
2. I am grateful for an expanded Christmas list.
3. I am grateful for increasing energy to accomplish my ever-growing list of tasks.
4. I am grateful for sleep which comes so readily these days.
5. I am grateful for a quiet work week.

Love and light.

Monday, October 22, 2012

October 22, 2012 Universal Headslaps are in abundance!

Boy, when the Universe decides I need to pay attention, it really doesn't skimp in the reminders.  It seems that partnerships and love are no longer just meandering into my path, but rather, galloping wildly in and woe be to her who tries to stop the forward momentum!!

On Saturday after my massage, I pulled the rune that looks like a big "X" and is known as "Gebo".  This rune means gift or partnership and is associated with skills, talents, abilities, love and partnerships which can also include partnerships with the Divine or Higher Self.  .  OK, so I have been trying to open my heart up more lately, and have also been looking at outlets for my talents, other pursuits and such.  So it fits.

This brings us to today when my message from the Universe via TUT is "Turning up the love turns on everything else.".  OK, I get it.  I am on the right track, but need to open my heart even further, both for my relationship with others and with Spirit.  Got it.  And I have been imaging an open heart with wings in my meditations the last couple of days. 

I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere today because, around 1 ish, I started feeling very nauseous and then I got sharp pains in my stomach.  I finally decided to just go home where I napped for about an hour (it would have been longer if Loki hadn't decided that Munchkin had snuggled with mom enough and gotten into a fight on top of me!), then got up and ate some chicken soup.  Stomach still bit back, so I tried coating it with some soy ice cream.  That kept it happy until about 10 PM when the pains started up again.  Not sure what's going on, but I think I'll pass on the Aleve tonight, just in case!    I have physical therapy in the morning so maybe it will knock whatever this is out of my system.  I haven't the time or the inclination to be sick!  Whoever these germs belong to can have them back!

At any rate, let's see if a good night's rest makes the pain go away!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for good health.
2. I am grateful for abundance.
3. I am grateful for friendship.
4. I am grateful for humor.
5. I am grateful for a warm, comfy bed filled with kitty love.

Love and light.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

October 21, 2012 Hi ho, hi ho...

Tonight is another one of those nights when I sit down at my computer feeling like I have nothing to say, so hold on.  It's likely to be a bumpy ride!

In the "best laid plans" department, Heather and I had planned to go to the gym today, but after wandering around the Thousand Oaks street fair for 3 or 4 hours, then getting our grocery shopping done (which took trips to two different Trader Joe's, and I still didn't get everything I wanted!), we were both wiped out!  In this case, it really was better to skip the workout today rather than risk injuring ourselves.  I can't believe I did that much walking after dancing three nights in a row, but I'm good, really, really good!  My left heel started to hurt but after doing some really strong toe pointies, it stopped, so the pain apparently came from the tendon or whatever it is that runs up the back of the calf.  The post-surgical knee held up admirably, and after an icing, it was up and ready to rock and roll again!  Whooppee!!  I truly believe that my brain was not programmed to believe there'd be a long recovery period, so my body listened to my brain. 

Well, the cost of living continues to go up, and even my massages had to keep up with inflation.  As my salary didn't, I'm looking at ways to cut my costs until my income again rises to the occasion (which, in my opinion, shouldn't be too long! )  Between tires and such for my car, food, paying off the rest of the wedding bills, and the holidays quickly approaching, I continue to envision always having enough.  I'm also not allowing it to stress me out when there's a balance on my credit card right now.  I know it's only temporary and that matters are already in the Universe's capable hands to open up new possibilities.  Of course, my daughter Jenni made it a bit easier by removing three people from my gift list (dare I say it, "again").  I would have had a blast shopping for Sera again this year, but will not be drawn into the game playing her mother so dearly loves.  Once again, I've politely (or maybe not quite so politely) declined her invitation.  I'm sure there will be enough players to make her game interesting anyway, and I tend to want to rewrite the rules every few turns. :) 

We saw some adorable things at the street fair and I did find one perfect gift for Heather, but passed on some other things for various reasons.  I think I should have gotten the bandana patterned collar and leash for my grandpuppy, Gwennie, but I have a feeling I'll run across them again in the next month or two. 

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend, and I look forward to seeing some things I've set in play coming to fruition.  I am also looking forward to my spaghetti squash being rescued from its current hostage situation.  I would have eaten some with my dinner tonight, but maybe it will arrive tomorrow in time to be paired with the salmon I'll be picking up from TJ's tomorrow night.  So I ended up eating more of the pumpkin coconut macaroons than I should have but they were sooooo good!!!  I have a feeling Heather crashed and burned when she got home from shopping since she had been going since early this morning, and both she and Mathom were dragging by the time she loaded her groceries in the car.  Gwennie was crashed out as well, having walked all over the base, then the street fair, and sniffed quite her share of other dogs' tushies. 

To say it was a beautiful fall day today is to understate the majesty of the partly cloudy, partly bright blue sky, the light breeze and the hint of rain in the air.  I am so glad the kids suggested we spend part of the day outside!

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I'm grateful for a day spent outside, enjoying our mild fall weather.
2. I'm grateful for my grandpuppy who is always happy to see me and to greet me with puppy kisses.
3. I am grateful that I'm already finding wonderful, unique gifts for the people I love.
4. I am grateful for so many wonderful holiday plans over the next three months (and yes, I include Halloween!)
5. I am grateful that, after 3 nights of dancing and several hours of walking, my knee is feeling strong and happy.  Bring it on!!!!

Love and light.

October 20, 2012 One step, two step, Cotton Eyed Joe...

I sit here now, a very happy girl, after dancing not one, not two, but THREE nights in a row!  Not only that, thanks to my friend, Bill, I broke the moratorium on two stepping last night, and thanks to sweet Loren, I two-stepped, waltzed and even did the Drifter tonight, with turns!  I was really nervous about it, but both gentlemen, being the wonderful dancers they are, took good care of me, and now I can truly say that two weeks after surgery, I was not only line dancing, I was two-stepping!  Our dance instructor, who had had both knees done at the same time, was absolutely amazed.  She can't believe my knee is hardly swollen and that I'm able to do all of the turns in the line dances.  I think I'm just stubborn and refuse to sit around and wait for everything to be 100%.  Besides, movement promotes healing, right?  And thanks also to the homeopathics, the fish oil and the glucosamine that I've been taking religiously, most of it since long before the surgery too!  I also think that being devoted to the exercises the Physical Therapist gave me is making a huge difference, despite the fact that the cats think that I put the mat on the floor and lay on it to make it easier for them to get attention! 

Toby continues to occupy my lap and chest whenever I sit down.  He assures me that he's sadly neglected and is trying to make up for lost time.  His purr was an even better meditation aid than the music I have programmed on Pandora.  Maybe I should just record the cats purring and loop it a million times.  It certainly puts me under in a shorter time than anything else, and at night, the purrs lull me to sleep.  With all of the recordings of whales and water, I am surprised that nobody ever recorded a cat's purr to aid in relaxation!  To me, it is the most soothing sound I know!

After all of the good things I did for myself this week, I did one not so good thing tonight, and something I have not done in a very long time.  After dancing, I stopped at Del Taco for a chicken quesadilla and a small chicken taco salad.  But I did stop myself from going for the chocolate bar afterwards!  As I almost never eat fast food any more, I can forgive myself this transgression.  I wonder if it will make for interesting dreams.  (although the ones I've been having lately are pretty bizarre, so I can't believe it would be any weirder!  Maybe it will make me have normal dreams!  Now THAT'S bizarre!) 

Another short blast tonight as it's late and I'm tired and the kitties are lurking around my chair.

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I'm grateful for friends who help me get past the nervousness of two-stepping again.
2. I'm grateful for the people who actually read my blog.
3. I'm grateful for continued improvement on my knee.
4. I'm grateful for another gym day tomorrow.
5. I'm grateful for epiphanies.

love and light.

Friday, October 19, 2012

October 19, 2012 Car repairs, weddings and dancing, oh my!

Busy day today after staying up way too late and only getting maybe 4 hours of sleep.  After dropping my car off for service, I put in about 4 hours of work, then picked up the car, ran errands and got ready to go to a wedding.  And it was really beautiful!  The kids wrote their own vows and it was sweet to see the groom get a little choked up as he said the ones he wrote for his beloved.  Like my kids, they definitely injected a note of humor in with the mush, but the sentiment was adorable!  Their sweet baby girl had trouble understanding that she couldn't be with mom and dad for a good part of the afternoon, but loving aunts, uncles, cousins and a doting grandpa helped fill the gap until she could have some time with mom and dad.  What a cutie pie she was in her ruby slippers and leopard patterned dress!  And her big brother was quite handsome in his western shirt, jeans and cowboy hat that matched his dad's.  A beautiful family! 

They did some folk dancing (I believe the family is Serbian) but as I stood with some Jewish friends we all agreed that the steps and the dances, and even some of the music were eerily reminiscent of Jewish weddings and bar mitzvahs!  It was fun to watch as the younger adults put so much energy into the dancing.  I do remember those days, pre-knee issues!  (not to mention a few pounds lighter!) 

I find myself marveling at the number of young people who are making these commitments lately.  After so many years hearing about people who are commit-maphobic, it's refreshing to see that a lot of these kids really are making an effort to make a life with another person, and making that life with someone who is also their best friend.  It warms my heart that the concept has not died, but instead, just lay dormant for awhile.

And to be honest, it's not just the younger generation any more.  I have seen quite a few people in my age bracket, falling in love again and making a new commitment.  I see the joy in their faces and know that the world is a better place because their love is in it.  I know it sounds kind of mushy, but it renews my hope for humanity when love and commitment appear to be on the rise again.  Like Noah and his ark, they're walking two by two and it is good!

Tonight's gratitudes are:
1. I am grateful for renewed hope.
2. I am grateful for love in all of its forms.
3. I am grateful that I can two step again.
4. I am grateful for a bright, hopeful energized future because those qualities are present in the here and now.
5. I am grateful for friendship.

Love and light.

October 18, 2012 Rah, rah, siss boom, bah!

My last day this week in the office went very quickly, as I was working on a project which had not been documented as well as I like (but then, there were a number of extenuating circumstances, and I'm doing my darndest to rectify the lapse) so I had to virtually reinvent the wheel, or the spreadsheet, as it were.  More of the same for tomorrow, but from home and only for half a day as I have a wedding to attend and a car to have serviced.  Then it's the weekend, and I get not two, but three nights of dancing this week!  Woo hoo!  Needless to say, I listened to my knee tonight and took off my boots when the pain became a bit insistent.  But the knee is now well iced and my daily exercises have been done, so all is well.

It seems my little epiphany about carving out time for oneself is gaining momentum.  One of my friends has been having a tough time with her mom in and out of the hospital and husband out of town.  She ended up coming out after work to do a little dancing and give herself a little break.  I was happy to see her infectious smile and a more relaxed look on her face by the time I left!  Strong is one thing, but even the strongest of us need a little break, a hug and a few minutes to just, well, not be strong.  It's like breathing in and breathing in and breathing in.  Eventually, you have to exhale.  And believe me, an hour or so of dancing in the midst of a life of chaos is definitely the exhale!  Sometimes, it's more like a WHHOOOOOSH!!!  

I really get a kick out of introducing a topic, then finding ways to incorporate it into my daily life.  I'm beginning to see how people like Marianne Williamson and others like her got their start.  You get really passionate about making positive changes and you become very aware of those little changes that have been made either by yourself or others around you.  As you start exploring those changes, talking about them with other people and watching the results, you can't help but get excited and passionate about them, and pretty soon you're sharing them with anyone who will listen.  I was about to say that the hard part is coming up with new topics on a regular basis, but the reality is, the topics are there for the picking in this marvelous game we call "Life", or more accurately "the Human Experience".  All it really takes is keen observation, a certain amount of objectivity and a lot of empathy.  In order to be passionate about a life change, you really have to have some experience, and heaven knows, we all have things we've changed as we've evolved, and as we've made those changes, we discover even more we'd like to make, but each has to be made in it's own time.  Granted, my changes won't be exactly like someone else's, but once I've observed, planned, acted, refined and started the process over, it becomes, not so much the change, but the process.  And the process is infinite. 

Just like setting goals for yourself, you set small ones first and as your achievements grow, you begin setting larger ones.  The same is true of change.  You start small with really manageable things, things which will show results quickly.  Now you have your reward so you find things which might take a bit more time and effort and once those have been achieved...well, you get the idea, but the fact is, the sky is truly the limit, and even that isn't high enough or far enough.  Our own imaginations are infinite, so why not what we can achieve if we just put our minds to it? 

I find that as I type at near warp speed tonight to try to keep up with the thoughts that are pouring out, I have to stop every so often to kind of regroup because what is also going through my head and not making it to the screen are new goals and changes and improvements I can add to the list called "Me, new and improved".  I'll stop for a moment and remind myself of how much I have accomplished, then look ahead and find that I can do so much more, one step at a time. 

At this point, I think I've progressed past baby steps as I don't need instant gratification to know that a change is for the better.  I'm not yet to giant steps, though, as I still need some indication, however small, that I'm on the right track.  But each of us is at a different stage of the game, some are mere beginners who could do with a cheerleader or two as they start down their path.  Others just need the occasional attaboy,. and still others are ready to be cheerleaders themselves.  But I think the most common of all is when we find ourselves in each of these roles, and everything in between at one time or another.  Because, the fact is, there's always something new to learn, and we will continue to grow as long as we don't stop learning.  To stop learning is to stagnate and as a stagnant pool breeds disease, stagnating is not a very good option as either the body, the soul or the mind (or all of the above) ultimately sickens and dies.  As a plant needs water, a human needs growth and challenges and lessons, and of course, successes.

Thus, I have, without even realizing it, taken my baby steps and my larger steps until, at least part of the time, I CAN be the cheerleader, the supporter, the coaxer and the listener.  At the same time, there are people out there who do the same for me.

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for all who support me as I make my way down new paths every day.
2. I am grateful for those who allow me to support them in their journies.
3. I am grateful for healing energy both given and received.
4. I am grateful for feedback as it inspires me to think and observe and learn.
5. I am grateful for a warm, comfortable bed on which to lay my pleasantly tired body and snuggle with my cats.

Love and light.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

October 17, 2012 Happiness runs in a circular motion

I definitely have my happy on!  I've gotten back into my good routines and range of motion is increasing by the day on my knee!  Breakfast and lunch are made for tomorrow, coffee pot is ready to go and the kitchen is put back to rights.  Even the cat's plates are clean and waiting for tomorrow's breakfast.  And, best of all, here I sit, writing again, and counting my many blessings.

Munchkin isn't quite as thrilled since my sitting down to write delays my becoming her soft, warm bed.  But what she doesn't yet realize is that by sitting down and writing before I go to bed, I settle down much faster so she doesn't get disturbed as much by my tossing and turning.  She is, however, sitting on the other chair, waiting somewhat patiently, or as patiently as a cat can wait! 

It's funny how, no matter how crazy my life has been over the years, I've managed to find ways to carve out "me time" and in those periods of time when I've failed to do so, I've found myself sinking into a very sad, depressed state.  I need not only solitude to read, write or just futz, but I also need the social activities like dancing and going to plays or concerts.  It all feeds the soul in its own way.  Talking to a co-worker who is the single mom of teenage girls, I see how the effort I made to carve out that time, despite the fact that it might have taken me away from my girls at times, was necessary and important.  My stress levels would have hit about DEFCON 5 had I not done so.  Yes, I remember times when I exploded or melted down.  What single parent hasn't at one time or another, overwhelmed by holding down a job, maintaining a home and finding enough time for the kids?  But it's all part of the circle and all part of the lessons. 

Sure, I look back and see that some of the things I did may have pushed one daughter or another into something I would rather she hadn't done, and in retrospect, I shouldn't have either.  But it's done and gone and I can't change it now.  Yet, there are still areas for which I need to forgive myself instead of feeling regret or shame.  I made the choices I did for a reason, and gained valuable lessons from them, and often painful ones, but they were lessons which helped me to grow and to realize that I had to learn to love and appreciate myself first.  The road had a lot of switchbacks because in some areas I'm a very slow learner.  But what a beautiful view I have now that I've mastered that lesson and reached the summit.  I love me and I don't need anyone's approval or validation.  It's not that I go out of my way to offend anyone, but frankly, if they don't like me, that's ok.  I'm not here to make anyone happy but myself.  If something I do out of my own happiness brings joy to another, that's wonderful, but it isn't my purpose. 

A friend told me a story recently about how she and her husband spent a day making small bouquets and dropping them off at people's houses.  It brought them great joy to do this small thing, and the joy it brought to others was the bonus. 

If I pay someone a compliment and it makes them smile, I'm happy that it made them smile, but I pay the compliment because it feels good to me.  Their smile is a delightful bonus.  But if they just took the compliment and shrugged it off, that would be ok too. 

This may all sound very selfish, and perhaps, in a way, it is, but the reality is, we have to make ourselves happy first.  Out of that happiness comes positive energy which affects everything around us, but false happiness does not create that energy.  Only the real deal can affect the world around us. 

So my mission for this week is to find my happiness more often and to spread it around like honey on bread.  I will complain less and find the good more, no matter how frustrating a situation I may find myself in.  I will do everything in my power to take a step back and find something good in every situation, every encounter, every challenge I meet this week.  And may it soon become yet another new habit.

My gratitudes for tonight are:

1. I am grateful for happiness and joy.
2. I am grateful for continued improvement and a full dance schedule.
3. I am grateful for my job and all of the extra work that is coming my way.
4. I am grateful that the life I envision for myself is even better than my visions!
5. I am grateful for friends who allow me to share in the positivity they practice.

Love and light.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

October 16, 2012 Why am I so tired???

It's barely 9:30 and I was falling asleep on the sofa!  I finally dragged my butt up, cleaned up the kitchen and did my exercises from the physical therapist. 

When I got home tonight all of the clocks were flashing so it appears that the power went out sometime today.  Could that be why I'm drained of energy?  It's still hard to work an entire day, and the tight muscles in my arms are not helping matters any.  My knee continues to improve, though I found out the hard way that I don't want to try to kneel on it!  Youchie!!!  And my arms are telling me in no uncertain terms that the workout I gave them on Sunday was more than they really wanted.  The little whiners!  No pain, no gain!!!  I want to get another workout in this week, but need to check with the PT to see if I can do leg stuff and, if so, how much.  Otherwise, I'll do another upper body day.  My arms will LOVE that!!!

And of course, in the middle of my recovery, the printer in my office decides to give up the ghost so I have to walk down the hall to pick up my print jobs until the new one arrives.  I guess the Universe has decided that I will recuperate faster if I get up every few minutes and walk!  <sigh> 

At any rate, before I pass out on the keyboard, here are tonight's gratitudes:

1. I am grateful for extra workouts to make my knee heal faster.
2. I am grateful for a sense of humor, especially when it comes to the completely ridiculous.
3. I am grateful for the return of my big soup pot.
4. I am grateful that the junker will soon be out of my driveway.
5. I am grateful for friends who share their special moments of love and blessings and brighten my day!

Love and light.

Monday, October 15, 2012

October 15, 2012 Accept, forgive, move on.

Today I started Physical Therapy.  It didn't seem too bad, but tonight, my knee is less than happy.  I'm not sure if it was the bending and stretching and muscle work, or if I just sat with my feet on the ground for too many hours without elevation or ice.  One thing is for certain, I WILL remember my ice tomorrow, and I WILL elevate every couple of hours, no matter what!  I will also get up and walk around to keep things from stiffening up.  The therapist was quite surprised when I told her I'd been dancing and cleaning cat boxes already.  Once again, nobody told me that I couldn't do these things as soon as I felt up to it, so I saw no reason not to! 

While I do miss working from home with my darling furrballs, it was nice to get back out into the world again. 

I admit, I was, at one point, a bit short-tempered with my little prima donna as I just expected her to insist that what she wanted was more important than anything.  I must work on my patience in that area much more diligently.

More good news:  I was able to sleep through the entire night without having to go into the living room to elevate and ice my knee.  I no longer have positions that are uncomfortable to sleep in either.  There is truly noticeable, daily improvement now.   I might even be two-stepping again by that two week point!  Too much fun!!!!

I talked to Heather for awhile tonight about stuff and nonsense and our latest family mini drama.  We are both much better, much quicker this time.  It's really sad that there are people who think they must drag others down to make themselves happy, and who invent their own reality.  But it reminds me, once again, that I must accept their right to make those choices, but politely decline an invitation to their drama/pity party.  If I irritate the crap out of them because of it, that, too, is their choice.  They can certainly, like me, choose not to be irritated.

My gratitudes for tonight are:

1. I am grateful for daily significant improvement in my knee.
2. I am grateful for lessons and challenges which give me the opportunity to grow and be a better person.
3. I am grateful for friends who give me inspiration and show me ways to be a better person.
4. I am grateful that returning to the good habits I set over the last couple of months has been amazingly easy.
5. I am grateful for energy and visions of a beautiful, clutter-free home.

Love and light.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

October 15, 2012 I'm so excited!

I have so much to be excited about and grateful for today!

In the last month, I've logged over 200 hits to my blog.  Thank you so much to all who take the time to read this!

Last night, I was able to do pretty much any line dance I wanted to with minimal discomfort to my knee.  Why is this so exciting, you ask?  It was only 8 days ago that I had surgery on my right knee!  8 days, and I'm dancing even the hardest line dances!  Granted, I'm avoiding those with excessive twisting, but I'm not avoiding hops, skips, or spins!  I don't know if anyone is more surprised than I am, myself! 

Today's plans to go to the gym suffered a bit of a delay, though.  I wandered out to the living room around 7:30 (much later than normal) to ice my knee as it had started to ache.  Heather texted me around 8:30 and I asked for more sleep time.  The trouble is, more sleep time ended up going until 11AM!  Yikes!  Way to late to sleep on a Sunday!  But we did get our workout in, followed by the weekly trek to Trader Joe's for healthy fare for the week's lunches and dinners.  We did notice an increased crankiness in some of our fellow shoppers.  Could the wind and increased temperatures have something to do with it?  Looks like our lovely Santa Ana, fire winds are back!  Let's hope the fire bugs lay dormant this year.

My excuse for the extended sleep was a series of very odd dreams!  My friend Dezi was driving a vintage car and turned out to be an FBI agent in search of a guy posing as a specialty mechanic (and yes, she got her man!).  My son-in-law came home early from Reserves to tell us that he'd gotten a full-time job on the base, and my daughter was granted her fondest desire in a weird specialty shop, but they just gave her a bunch more stuff to fill up her already overflowing apartment.  They also took me aside and gave me something that was supposed to help me get my book written!  Now that, I'm sure was some kind of sign!  I was very grateful for the gift and, in some odd way, it made sense in the dream, though it doesn't in the light of day.  It was a little, brocade covered book and a small magnifying glass.  I guess I'll figure it out someday.  But it made me start rethinking what I was writing, so all I can say is, whatever it takes!  Later in the dream, Mathom had cleaned out Heather's room, but it looked like he'd taken everything, and some of the stuff was mine.  I then discovered another bedroom in my house which I had never seen before.  He'd put a bunch of bags in there, but had still taken some of my stuff back to the apartment which Heather would have to sort through and return at some point (nothing all that important as it had been buried for a few months already!).  We then moved to my office where there were tiles on the floor , but many were cut into small odd-shaped pieces instead of just using whole tiles except where the space was too small, then cutting them to fit.  The small pieces were coming up and it appeared that there was no mastic on the floor to keep them in place.  And even more odd, the seams were scalloped rather than straight!  Heather was pulling up the old floor while a friend was apparently laying down the new tiles.  In this case, my office seemed to be about twice it's actual size.  I sense a lot of wishful thinking going on in this dream sequence! 

I find it very interesting tonight, how people can fabricate an excuse to be angry with someone.  It seems to me an awful waste of energy in the first place, but to go back two months and decide to be angry because of where you were seated for a wedding reception???  Seriously???  That reeks of having way too much time on your hands, and if you ask me, would be better served by volunteering for something.  But to call and rip into someone for such a ludicrous slight simply baffles me and is completely beyond my comprehension.  Thank goodness, even in real life, people can be voted off the island for stupidity! :)  It also reminds me how lucky I am to be surrounded by positive, uplifting involved people!  (I haven't been very involved in anything helpful lately, and hope to correct that soon, so I will be looking for a cause or two to support soon!)

Tonight's gratitudes are:
1. I am so grateful that, when ugliness and pettiness try to visit my life, I can politely say, "No, thank you.  I don't want to join your party as the party I'm at is much more enjoyable and uplifting.".  It is unfortunate when I have to do this with family members, but they really are no different than anyone else in the Universe.  Their negativity and ugliness must reside with those of like mind. 
2. I am grateful for positive, uplifting friends who truly care about righting wrongs and curing ills rather than making them!
3. I am grateful for a "vote them off the island" button.
4. I am grateful for people who truly understand the meaning of "unconditional love" and practice it.
5. I am grateful for the ability to vent and a place to do so, rather than holding onto something that serves no useful purpose.  Once again, I go back to Accept, Acknowledge, Release all negative thoughts, feelings and actions.

Love and light.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

October 12, 2012 And another crazy day winds down.

What a day!  I worked from home again, and it's a good thing my knee is healing nicely, because I didn't really have a chance to put it up and ice it.  I was lucky to get about a 30 minute break for lunch!  And it was one of those days when other people were absolutely certain that all I was doing was sitting her waiting for them to give me another urgent task.  I really need a copy of that sign with the laughing blobs that says "lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine".  But seriously, as adults, we are all conscious of when certain things need to be completed, and by now, should be able to manage our own work loads.  It absolutely floors me when someone who used to come to me to prioritize their tasks believes that they know better than I do how to prioritize mine! 

What I am learning from this experience is that I cannot change what other people perceive and how they act upon their perceptions.  I can only change how I react or, I can change my position to remove their ability to act in my direction!  At the moment, I am working on the first, but the second is becoming more desirable by the moment!  Many possible scenarios are percolating through my brain, but none have come to the top as a viable option, but I know that now that I've opened my mind to possibilities, it is only a matter of time before the right one will set off my radar and cause all sorts of excitement to occur.  Until then, I will work on refusing to react, and that, like patience, is a tough one for me, which is probably why I am presented with so many opportunities to learn the lesson!  Gotta love those Universal headslaps!

The day ended nicely though.  My daughter came by and brought me flowers, greek frozen yogurt and sorbet, and although the kids both looked exhausted, it was nice to see them for a few minutes.  Nicer still, knowing they didn't have far to go before they were home and could either collapse or go sit in the jacuzzi for a bit. 

Last night's very short, gentle attempt at line dancing had a very pleasant result today.  My knee felt better than ever, although now, as it's getting later, I'm again feeling some pain in the original spot, but my nightly dose of Glucosamine, Aleve and Fish Oil should help along with some ice and homeopathics.  And I informed my disapproving son-in-law that I have every intention of doing some dancing tomorrow night.  I am definitely listening to my body and right now it is saying "I can dance, dammit, so stop being such a lazy wuss, and give me what I want!"  Who am I to argue?

Tonight's gratitudes are:

1. I am grateful that I can start dancing a little already (a week earlier than expected!)
2. I am grateful for a very positive relationship with my daughter and son-in-law who love me even when I get cranky.
3. I am grateful that I could work from home on a day when others would have set me off and challenged my learning process in not allowing their actions to make me react.
4. I am grateful for many new and wonderful opportunities to learn, grow and expand my world.
5. I am grateful for my new, exciting and rewarding career and life path.

Love and light.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

October 11, 2012 Back out into the world of the living

Today was the day I got out of the house to have my first checkup since the surgery.  Thankfully, Frankenstein's knee had reverted to only about 200% of it's normal size, and the colorfulness which horrified me on Monday had abated, leaving only a half-dollar sized bit of purple as a fading memory. 

I gave Mathom a break and decided to drive myself the 1/2 mile or so to the doctor's office.  After learning that I was healing very well, and scheduling PT sessions for next week, I rewarded myself with a trip to the vitamin store for more homeopathics and a yummy, delicious pumpkin smash jamba juice.

But the day's rewards had only just begun.  The kids made sure I got to Borderline for some much needed socialization.  Of course, Mathom nearly strangled me when I got up to do one simple line dance, and not even on the dance floor!  I did it on the carpet next to the dance floor with absolutely NO twists, turns or tweaks, while he hurled dire threats at me and my friend Dezi gave me the stink eye!  Well, pooh on you both because my knee feels better than ever tonight!  (but stop and go traffic is still not something I want to experience for another couple of days, thank-you-very-much, as the repeated pressure on my knee is painful even on a good day!) 

So I work from home for one more day, have physical therapy appointments on Monday and Wednesday and expect to be doing some real gentle line dancing ON the dance floor by Thursday!  I am very good about listening to my body and I really, truly will not do more than I should, but no dancing makes me cranky, though tonight's visit with my friends certainly helped!  Not to mention the lovely rainstorm and rainbow which graced the day!  I love the smell and feel and sounds of the rain, and the added bonus of thunder and lightening made it all so very perfect! 

As of tonight, I am no longer confined to quarters, although I plan to keep my travels short for the time being.  I can at least go out and get my own candy corn if the craving comes back, though I think I'm good.  It really doesn't take much sticky, sweet stuff to send me back to my veggies!

Tonight's gratitudes are:

1. I'm grateful for rainstorms that come and wash the world and make it brand new again.
2. I'm grateful for mobility.
3. I'm grateful for independence.
4. I'm grateful for healing energy and potions.
5. I'm grateful that I can start taking my fish oil again.

Love and light.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

October 10, 2012 Gettin' better, just a little better every day

I've got to admit it's getting better....you know the rest. 

I'm sitting here, freshly showered, hair washed, and a bit worn out from standing in the shower long enough to get everything clean, and also enjoying a brief respite from the dreaded compression stocking.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow both anxiously and with a bit of trepidation as I see the doctor for the first time since the surgery.  The stitches are supposed to come out and I'll find out if I'm improving as expected.  If you ask me, I've made a lot of progress in the last few days, but who knows what the doctors expect?  I'm able to stand for short periods, I can put full weight on my leg when walking around the house, I can put weight on it getting up from a chair and even stand for short periods of time, like making breakfast and coffee!  My knee still feels a little unsteady, though, and at times feels like it might hyperextend, so I'm being very careful.  I'm also finding it harder to get comfortable while sitting or laying down for long periods of time, and usually end up on the couch for part of the night just to get some extra elevation in.  But I walk out to the living room, I don't limp, so that's a very good thing!

I'm looking forward to being able to drive again, to being able to do a real workout, and of course, to dance again, but I can feel right now that I have to give it time so I don't injure myself again.  It really hurts to admit that, but I know I'll be grateful for the caution in the years to come when I'm dancing as much as I want to again! 

The kitties are being great nurses, although they are having a tough time understanding that I need to work during the day, even though I'm home.  But it's been so beautiful and cool this week, that I open the window in my office so they take turns sitting in the window, staring at the birds in the tree in my front yard. 

Today I saw a picture of candy corn on Facebook.  Normally, I am not interested in something that sweet, but it really made me salivate.  Luckily, Heather had a bag with her so she stopped by and let me eat a few.  It really didn't take many to satisfy the craving, and now I can move on, but I'm so glad she had them or I might have bought a whole bag and just eaten it all over the next few days which is not a good thing!

My gratitudes for tonight are:

1. I'm grateful that the kids are living just up the street from me now.
2. I'm grateful for the visits from my kids and granddaughter.
3. I'm grateful that my confinement is almost over.
4. I'm grateful for showers.
5. I'm grateful for being able to work from home so I can keep up with things and save my vacation time for something fun.

Love and light.

Monday, October 8, 2012

October 8, 2012 A real shower!

Day 3 of recuperation from surgery (not counting the actual day) and I was finally able to take off the bandages and compression stocking to take a real shower!  Of course, the stocking and the ace bandage had to go back on and the kitties got a real giggle out of that one, I'm sure, but at least it came off for a bit.  My poor knee looks like it's been through a war, all bruised and battered and swollen.  The three incisions don't look bad, although one has started to ache this evening.  I'll look it over tomorrow to make sure it looks ok.

My appetite is still pretty weak and I am tiring very easily, but, thanks to Mathom, the sandboxes are emptied and the trash cans are out by the curb for pickup tomorrow (I did that part myself!) and I cleaned up the kitchen today.  I just couldn't make myself unload the dishwasher the last couple of days, but now that I'm able to actually walk on my sore leg, I was able to get things put away and clean up from my 2 1/2 days of slovenliness.  But now, I'm exhausted.  I tried to take a nap this afternoon, but Toby was suddenly very needy and he couldn't just curl up in my lap like a normal cat!  He had to walk this way and that way, wash my face with his sandpaper tongue and then dance around some more.  Then it was time to have his face skritched and he had to show me exactly how he wanted it done.  Needless to say, I gave up on the nap, but now, at barely 9:30, I'm wiped out and ready to sleep!

So my gratitudes for tonight are:

1. I'm grateful for showers.
2. I'm grateful for healing.
3. I'm grateful for helpers.
4. I'm grateful for love, it comes in all shapes, sizes and colors.
5. I'm grateful for laughter.  It makes even the toughest times seem better.

Love and light.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

October 7, 2012 Starting to feel human again!

Day 2 after surgery, and I'm starting to feel more human again.  Granted, aside from a trip to Trader Joe's for groceries which, by the way, was unexpectedly exhausting, I've done little more than sit on my butt or sleep since Friday afternoon.  I've also noticed a major decrease in appetite which, considering my sedentary circumstances is not such a bad thing.  I've also experienced a bit of nausea which may be attributable to the pain pills I finally gave in and took once yesterday and again today.  But today, when I woke up from my last nap, I noticed that I had more strength in my leg, was able to straighten it more and walk on it without much of a limp.  And tomorrow, I get to take off the bandages and compression stocking and take a real shower!  I cannot wait!!!  Of course, the stocking and ace bandage have to go back on afterwards, but the thick wads of cotton stuff don't so I'll have more range of motion.  It's been almost like having a diaper on my knee that limited my movement.  Thank goodness for the Eeyore pillow pet Heather got me for Christmas as it's the perfect size for resting my knee. 

At any rate, I skipped last night's entry as I was pretty cranky and didn't feel it necessary to share that with the world!! 

Tonight's gratitudes are:

1. I am extremely grateful that the pain in my knee has abated.
2. I am grateful for the love and caring energy that is flowing to me in an amazingly steady stream.
3. I am grateful that I will be dancing again soon and won't be so worried about my knee popping out of place.
4. I am grateful for all of the rest I've been able to get.
5. I am grateful for my daughter and son-in-law who have been doing their best to make things easy on me, in spite of their recent move.

Love and light.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

October 5, 2012 Let the healing begin!

I made it through the surgery and so far, am experiencing minimal pain or discomfort.  I am also sporting a dubiously attractive compression stocking and massive bandage which, I'm told, must remain undisturbed until Monday.  Yikes!  Guess it's sponge baths for me! 

Getting around is a bit challenging as my knee is essentially welded in a semi straight position.  Walking is ok but putting on a pair of shorts was rather interesting, to say the least.  It involves sort of aiming the leg of the shorts at my right foot and hoping for the best.  Needless to say, it took me a couple of tries to make it work!  But what's life without a challenge or two?

My throat feels a little raw now, but they said that might happen as they used a tube for breathing during the anesthetic.  Up until an hour or so ago, I thought I'd been spared, but now it is beginning to feel a bit swollen.  As I'm going to sleep soon, I'm hoping it will be back to normal by morning, and I'll just sleep through the worst of it.

Heather and Mathom made sure I had a yummy dinner of seared ahi, steamed asparagus and twice baked potato (or half of one, actually).  I was very surprised to find that my appetite, after nearly 24 hours without food, was drastically reduced, but given my more sedentary than normal lifestyle for the next few days, that's not a bad thing.  However, if I continue to experience the lack of pain I have right now, the kids will drag me with them to Borderline so I can at least get out of the house for a bit. 

I have been proclaimed the worst patient ever by my son-in-law, not because I am demanding or cranky but because I won't stay put and let anyone wait on me.  I've never been very good at letting people do for me, and am unable to let something as minor as knee surgery change that.  As it is, they are going out of their way for me and I appreciate the heck out of it as I know they have lots to do to finish their move.  But boy, did he get annoyed when I wouldn't wait for him to help me get out of the car!  The truth is, it really didn't even occur to me.  I just automatically opened the door and hoisted myself out!  I let him carry the food!  (but maneuvering packages, my purse and my crutches is way beyond my capabilities!

Not being able to drive and having to depend on the kids for the next few days is going to make me nuts, but I am very grateful that it's only for a few days!  It certainly could be far worse! 

But all in all, I know this will be an easy time for me.  I have a really good doctor and the anesthesiologist actually listened to me when I said that I was a lightweight when it comes to drugs and gave me a lighter dose.  I came out of it only slightly disoriented as I was in a different room and it wasn't familiar, but the wooziness wore off fairly quickly, probably aided, in no small part by the lovely soy latte my wonderful son-in-law brought me when he came to take me home!  I'm sure all of the good thoughts, prayers and well wishes didn't hurt either.  I got a couple of texts just before I went in and lots of good thoughts on FB.  With that much healing energy, I'll be up, moving and better than new in no time!!!

Tonight's gratitudes are:

1. I am grateful that my surgery went smoothly.
2. I am grateful for my son-in-law who made sure that I got to and from, filled up my gas tank, brought me coffee and made me dinner!
3. I am grateful for all of the healing energy my friends are sending me.  It's working!!!
4. I am grateful for better than expected mobility.
5. I am grateful for the taller toilet the kids installed in my powder room this summer.  (it's a lot easier to get on and off of with an unbendable leg!)

Love and light.

Friday, October 5, 2012

October 4, 2012 The day is finally here!

After weeks of babying my knee and anticipation, the day has almost arrived when I will have said knee repaired and will finally be able to get back to my normal dancing routine (after a reasonable recuperation period, of course!).  I will be able to dance at least 3 or 4 nights a week again, and I won't have to pass on the fast two-steps!  I'm so excited, I could plotz!

I got all girly tonight, washed my hair and shaved my legs because I realized that I didn't want the doctor working on a hairy leg!  Ewwww!  And I did some thinking and realized that I'm less concerned about the cutting of three holes in my knee and poking around than I am about them knocking me out for the procedure.  I have just never been fond of general anesthesia, especially after the wisdom tooth saga in which I emerged from the anesthetic very disoriented and distraught.  Face it, my body just doesn't respond well to drugs of any kind!  But I will not psych myself out over this.  I will, instead, focus on the nice latte that I'm having Mathom bring me afterwards.  Nothing like a jolt of caffeine to clear the cobwebs of a drug induced sleep!  I only hope I don't embarrass myself by drooling!  That would be incredibly unattractive!

I was talking to a co-worker today about setting intentions and writing regularly (he shared a rather eerie story he wrote with me).  I told him that the last thing I do before I go to bed is write in my blog, and have now passed the 30 day point.  I realized that now, I couldn't go to bed without at least a short post if I wanted to.  I have come to really look forward to my evening one sided chat.  I also realized that I've been sleeping much better since I reinstated my nightly post, and as I talked to my friend, put two and two together and saw that by writing just before bedtime, I clear out my head so I can settle down to sleep.  He said that sometimes he tells himself a story to put himself to sleep and I realized that, until I started my nightly post, I often did the same thing!  Whether writing or concocting a story, the effect is the same.  The brain is occupied elsewhere and can allow sleep to come!  And once again, establishing a new habit has many wonderful and delicious side effects!

I was going to try to stay up really late so I wouldn't miss my morning caffeine too badly, but my body seems to be programmed to fade by midnight, and so it has.

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I'm grateful that I'm finally having my knee fixed.
2. I'm grateful for a week of working from home.
3. I'm grateful for loving friends who I know will be with me through this little challenge.
4. I'm grateful for coffee!
5. I'm grateful for my daughter who offered to come over tomorrow and cook dinner for me (and who took me out for a wonderful sushi dinner last night!).

Love and light.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

October 3, 2012 Little storm clouds bring cool, nourishing rain.

I had a rough couple of days with my back out of whack, but today, after another little adjustment, I'm feelin' all right!!  Now I can refocus all of my healing energies on my knee!  I am so blessed to have such warm, thoughtful, caring friends who have been giving me tons of moral support as I prepare myself for this procedure which will allow me to keep on dancing!  Tomorrow will be my last night of the frivolity for a couple of weeks, and I intend to make the most of it!  I have to get 2 weeks worth of dancing into the one night, and boy, will I!  There's a new dance to learn, friends to visit with and a birthday to celebrate, so it'll be a wonderful send off!! 

Toby is practicing his nursing skills every evening, and I know he'll do an excellent job.  Dylan is, of course, already an expert nurturer as is Munchkin.  Loki, of course, things it's all about her!

Heather treated us to a wonderful sushi dinner tonight after work!  We are definitely not the neatest, most clever sushi eaters, but we enjoyed ourselves immensely!  In fact, I'd say we nearly ate ourselves into a sushi stupor, topped off by green tea tempura ice cream.  Heather and I shared one, but let Mathom have a whole one to himself to try to calm his raging sweet tooth.  But when I saw him after his class,, he said he was going home to eat more ice cream!  Silly man!

I've been experiencing some tummy churning the last couple of nights and I'm hoping I'm not giving into anxiety about my knee.  I know everything is going to be fine and I intend to follow the doctor's orders to the letter!  Fortunately, the churning passes, so I guess it's nothing really worrisome.

Tonight's gratitudes are:

1. I'm grateful that my dancing will only suffer a temporary hiatus.
2. I'm grateful for evenings spent with my kids.
3. I'm grateful for kitty nurses.
4. I'm grateful for loving, caring, supportive friends.
5. I'm grateful for wonderful opportunities to learn which continue to present themselves.

Love and light.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

October 2, 2012 Feelin' all right!!

Today things worked in reverse.  I woke up with my back feeling ok, but the longer I was up and moving, the worse it felt.  Driving was especially uncomfortable, despite the use of my heated seat.  But by the time I got to work, it was somewhat tolerable and a walk around 11:00 seemed to help as well.  I've come to the conclusion that it is, in part, due to too much sitting in the evenings so maybe this was my wakeup call to start working on the daily workouts.  My body, via the Universal headslap is essentially telling me that I'd better use it or lose it.  Although this will distress Toby, who has become accustomed to long cuddles in my lap in the evening, he'll be happier with a mom who can still get around to give him those cuddles but also to empty his litter box and keep his food bowl filled.

Meanwhile, I'm feeling a lot of empathy for a friend who, until recently, spent her life with constant back pain. 

Thanks to a little more moving around today, my back is feeling much better this evening!  I had my pre op visit, got a call from the surgical center while I was there.  Jake proudly proclaimed that he has a tool which calculates what portion of the procedure the insurance won't pay so they can ask me for it up front (just as the doctor's office did).  What the heck happened to doing the work, billing the insurance company, writing off the excess and billing the patient for the rest?  It makes me wonder how many failures these doctors have which makes them so anxious to get their money up front.  What a racket.  I told Jake that I was very happy he had a tool, but I think it's rather rude of them to be expecting to be paid before they do any work!!!  Once again, I'm in the wrong business!  My clients and employers expect me to work first!!  Go figure!

But I plan on making the most of the next two days of being fully mobile.  Another visit to the chiropractor tomorrow and sushi with the kids tomorrow night, courtesy of Miss Heather who is getting a nice commission check this week, then dancing and a birthday party on Thursday.  I may even stay out a little later since I have to be at the surgical center at 9:20 so I may just sleep in a bit, considering I have to go without water, caffeine or anything after midnight!  The doctor says I'll be able to put my full weight on my leg right after surgery, but I'll wait and see.  And depending on the amount of swelling, I may or may not need PT.  Of course, my dancing future demands that I follow doctor's orders to the letter!  As the swelling never really went away since the tear first made itself known, chances are some will remain after the repair, or, should I say, removal of the damaged portion of my meniscus.  I was actually hoping that any PT would start while I'm working from home, but I guess they want to wait a week to see how it heals.  Probably best to do that and not add any stress until the stitches come out. 

So today I made a list of files I need to bring home so I can work on some things next week.  I want to make sure I can get a lot done while I have the luxury of several days of peace and quiet...and kitty love!

Today's gratitudes are:

1. I am grateful that I have one more night of dancing before my surgery.
2. I am grateful for nurse kitties who are ready, willing and able to supervise my recovery.
3. I am grateful that my back started feeling better so I could get laundry going.
4. I am grateful that my house is air conditioned since it looks like it's going to stay hot for at least a few more days.
5. I am grateful for friends and family who are there when I need them, even if I don't always realize it or show how much I appreciate it.

Love and light.

Monday, October 1, 2012

October 1, 2012 I'd much rather have a little wine than a little whine!

After two days of waking up unable to straighten out my back for the first 30-45 minutes, I went to see my chiropractor after work today.  He told me that my pain was caused by a rib that was out of place.  After much popping, pressing, stretching and such, he was able to pop the rib back into place (and I'm hoping there aren't any more!) but I think it's a lot like a dislocated shoulder.  Putting it back into place hurts more than it did when it was out!  But a little heat and a lot of icing has made it tolerable, so I'm hoping a good night's sleep will take me that much closer to normal.  Now don't get me wrong.  I'm grateful for the aches and pains that remind me I'm alive, but this was a little more than even my relatively high tolerance for pain could manage. 

So tonight, I passed on lugging heavy sandboxes out to the trash can in favor of less pain tomorrow.  The kitties will survive another day or two as long as I keep things scooped out, and my back will be eternally grateful for the respite.  The pain did get me down on the floor for a stretch today, which I've been neglecting of late, so that's a good thing too.  And on Friday I'll have pain meds for my knee that may end up doing double duty for awhile as the timing only leaves me with one more chiro appointment for the next couple of weeks.  I feel bad enough having to have Mathom shlep me back and forth to the doctor.  I can hardly ask him to run me around next week for errands and chiro appointments too!  And besides, I think a whole body relaxation session is in order and that should put things right like nothing else can! 

So much for explaining why tonight's entry will be relatively short.

Tonight's gratitudes are:

1. I'm grateful for the aches and pains that remind me I'm still able to smell the daisies instead of pushing them up.
2. I'm grateful for my kitties who just hung out with me on the sofa tonight (now if I could just teach them to cook and clean up the kitchen!)
3. I am grateful for my daughter and son-in-law who are there when I need them, and who can usually make me laugh.
4. I am grateful for the successful adoption of several new, good habits.
5. I am grateful for air conditioning in my home, car and office as it looks like another heat wave is upon us.

Love and light.