Welcome to my Journey

Hello, and welcome to my Journey. Over the last few years I have been learning more about my personal journey, my Path and my Soul Purpose. The further I travel, the easier I find it to share my journey with others, and to learn from their journeys as well. The most recent evolution has caused me to expand my Universe and allow more people access to my travels, as well as allowing me access to more people, their travels and what they have learned as they walk their own paths. Feel free to share your journey here as we all have much to learn in our lives as Divine Beings having a Human experience.

Love and Light.

Friday, November 30, 2012

November 30, 2012 While visions of confetti dance in my head.

While not 100% effective today, my visions of heart shaped confetti have proven quite effective in counteracting my negative knee jerk reactions to certain people.  As a result, issues have been resolved much more favorably for all concerned.

I have noticed, though, that communication has been a real struggle, not only for me but for others around me.  We all seem to need to reword things several times in order for our explanations to be clear to others.  Thankfully, everyone has been especially patient today while we all struggle to put things into words which make sense to our listeners.  I've read on astrological sites that this is a symptom typical to Mercury going retrograde, but it seems to me I read that it went back in the right direction a couple of days ago.  So, is this a delayed reaction, or do some of us just communicate better when things are backasswards?

If it were just me, I'd chalk it up to simple contrariness, but it seems to be everyone around me and it's so apparent that we've all commented on how hard it is to find a way to put things so our listeners will understand.  And before you ask, it really isn't the listeners' fault.  Just difficulty in finding a common language with which to communicate something we, ourselves might know like the back of our hand, but which is a foreign concept for our listeners who really do need to "get it".  

Maybe this crazy mixed up day really started when I overslept while giving Toby snuggles this morning.  My big, snuggly boy draped himself across my chest around 7 AM and insisted that he needed my full attention and both hands petting and skritching his humongous self.  Who am I to deny him this simple pleasure, and he rewards me with such a nice, rumbly purr and kitty kisses. 

As I was digging around in what the girls and I christened "the little room", which formally housed my ex's outdoor, smoke friendly office and is now storage, I realized that I needed to do some serious shifting in order to begin my annual wrapping frenzy.  As the year went by and I strove to make it easier to access the contents of the room when needed, all of the wrapping materials were buried under piles of more recently used items.  But that will change this weekend as I unearth said materials and lug them into my living room for my annual wrap and Christmas movie party.  It is definitely easier now that I'm living alone because I don't have to worry about having a bunch of unwrapped stuff scattered around me while I work.  I don't think I have as much to do this year, but knowing me, the plethora of "little stuff" will soon make my eyes cross!  And of course, I need to come up with my annual creative wrapping jobs!  (which reminded me of a couple of things I must pick up!)

Tonight's gratitudes are:

1. I am grateful for a quiet weekend.
2. I am grateful for an evening with friends and dancing.
3. I am grateful for a quiet Friday night with kitty cuddles and books.
4. I am grateful for abundant opportunities.
5. I am grateful for abundant health.

Love and light.

November 29, 2012 The more we know ourselves, the more we learn.

An enjoyable night of dancing with friends and family.  I really needed the exercise, and though I'm not getting the couples dancing in that I was becoming accustomed to, I am enjoying the time I get to spend talking to my dance friends, so it all works out for the best.  I don't know if it's the holidays or familiarity or something else, but the hugs seem to be getting warmer and more frequent lately.  I love it!!!  I found myself, for just a moment, remember my Cowboy Palace years when I'd walk through the door and hug and be hugged all around.  At that point, I realized that what I have now is so much better!  The hugs are warmer and more sincere,, the circle of friends is ever growing.  I am so grateful to be where I am now.

That is not to say that I don't have scads of room for improvement.  I realized today that there are some people with whom I interact for whom I have a tendency to turn negative seemingly without provocation.  Clearly, this impacts any interaction we have and not for the better!  I have set myself a goal to release my negativity towards these people.  This is not an easy task as, in my mind, I have plenty of reason to be negative, but I also realize that my negativity will not make the situation better.  In fact, it likely makes it worse.  While there is no guarantee that turning my thoughts to positive things when dealing with these people will improve the situation, it will improve things for me, and that's really what matters.  So I will be ordering large quantities of imaginary heart shaped confetti to assist me in accomplishing the latest in my ever growing series of goals for self improvement. 

I have learned that while positivity may not always attract positivity, it will at least attract something in the neutral range.  Negativity, however, is likely to attract more negativity and as my goal is to increase the level of positive energy in the world, negative thoughts, words and deeds are simply not an option!

Another of my goals which needs reiterating at the moment is to do well by this body I am currently inhabiting.  I need to give more focus to allowing it to find good health, to establish good habits with regard to exercise, stretching and eating and to keep my thoughts focused on good health and fitness. 

Once again, I am setting intentions.  I know that I don't always get there the first time, but as time goes on and I set and reset intentions, goals are met, some are redefined and others are expanded to encompass new goals. 

Today during my meditation, I had a brief glimpse of myself working from a home office with windows all around and an amazing view.  I had another office in my house which was used by another individual, but I am not yet clear as to what their function was.  I also had a mini epiphany in which I saw my book being written from the point of view of a story as opposed to yet another self-help tome.  I will have to toss down a few lines this weekend and see if I can get it to flow better in that format. 

So, for all its seeming uneventfulness, today was full of new insights into reaching goals and improving myself.  I'd say it was a day well spent.

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for being able to look at my actions objectively and recognize areas which need improvement.
2. I am grateful for warm, sincere hugs.
3. I am grateful for good health and a sharp mind.
4. I am grateful for abundant opportunities.
5. I am grateful for a new and improved direction for my writing.

Love and light.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

November 28, 2012 Cycles of life

As I was leaving for work this morning, I had that very common feeling that I was forgetting something.  It wasn't until I was halfway to work that I realized what it was; my Clearasil.  Bad enough that I needed it after all these years, but to have to suffer the moon crater sized zit all day was just too much!

Now I ask you, is it too much to ask for a woman who has survived the PMS years, pregnancy, raising two girls, becoming a grandmother, suffering years of hot flashes to finally get to the other side of menopause, that the zits be a thing of the past along with periods and other lovely things?  In a fair world, hot flashes would burn fat and zits would cease at the very least, after menopause.  But nooooo!  That would be too good!  Instead, hot flashes make fat burning harder and zits apparently go on forever! 

It just goes to show that if there really IS a Divine Creator, it is surely male because a woman would not put such burdens on other women!!!  If a woman had created our species, men would bear a lot more of the burden.  They'd know periods, menopause and water retention!  They'd freak when their faces broke out into a million pocks and not find it so easy to keep their girlish figures! 

At any rate, I came home and slathered my lovely green face mask all over said zit and followed up with a liberal application of the forgotten Clearasil, so said zit is soon to be a thing of the past.  I have to admit it's been a long time since I had one quite so magnificent.  But frankly, I could have gone longer  without complaint!  And it made me miss a dance night because I just couldn't go out with Mt. Vesuvius blooming on my cheek!  Bad enough that guys talk to women's chests, but this thing was big enough to distract even from that!  <sigh> 

I will make up for it tomorrow night.  I will sleep the sleep of the good because my kitchen is clean, breakfast and lunch are ready for tomorrow and coffee is ready to be brewed.  Not only that, after a day spent at home yesterday because everything ached, I am amazingly ache-free tonight.  Even my knee isn't doing as much snap-crackle-popping as it has been!  My back feels good, I'm getting up and down from chairs without using my arms to push me up and my energy is high.  Just let me at that dance floor tomorrow night!

And now, this cycle we call a day must draw to a close so I can get a few hours of sleep before the work cycle starts again.

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for Clearsil; it even works for the over 50 crowd!
2. I am grateful for putting things in order.  It makes me feel less scattered.
3. I am grateful for my ability to earn an income and support myself comfortably.
4. I am grateful for massages which put me back in balance when life tosses me around.
5. I am grateful for my health and fitness and for abundant resources and opportunities.

love and light.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

November 27, 2012 Keepin' on keepin' on

Finally made some time to just sit and read, although my vehicle of choice this time was the ipad onto which I'd dowloaded a couple of books.  In some ways, it's a lot easier because a. I can make the print as large as I need to  b. it has it's own light source  c. It stands up by itself and d. Toby can't eat the pages.

It was nice to just have complete quiet in the house for a change as I had neither tv or radio going while I read.  I did put my ambient music station on while I meditated and napped, but while having a weird dream about being given a key and the travels it took me on, the music started to intrude on my dream as it drowned out people speaking and caused me to look frantically for the source.

But back to the dream as I think there's some significance buried in the weirdness.  I received a key which opened a locker-like enclosure.  Inside the enclosure were several objects and another key.  I had to navigate through a kind of maze-like structure where I found another bank of these lockers.  I had to find the one which fit my key and when I did, I again found some objects and another key.  This went on for several iterations until I found the last key opened a structure in a remote town.  Once I had completed the task, I retraced my steps, replacing the keys in the proper lockers.  I then took the original key back to a man who was supposedly my father saying I'd completed the task and telling him what I'd found.  At this point we were in a room with rows of chairs, listening to someone at the front of the room speaking, but the music was intruding and I wasn't able to hear what was being said.  But the jist of it was that there was significance to what I'd found and, for some reason, I was the first to be able to get all the way through to find the town, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do with this knowledge. 

As I think about it, though, I've seen the town in dreams before, and it always seems to take some doing to get to it.  It's almost like it's a gated community with a very complicated series of streets which must be traversed in order to reach the area.  Sometimes, it appears in my dreams as just a housing tract, and other times as a full-blown town.  But either way, there are obstacles I have to overcome in order to reach it.  In this case, it was a series of mazes, some on the ground and others a series of suspended, aerial paths.  In others, it's just road blocks and huge potholes.  But whatever form it takes, I'm sure there's something within the convolutions that is a message to me.  I only wish I could remember the what was going on in my life the last time I dreamed of this town.  But at least, this time, I'll have a record. 

I was very happy to have an extremely quiet day, and Toby was thrilled to be able to sit in my lap almost to his heart's content.  That boy has turned into one major lover!  He requires a significant amount of attention and has no bones about demanding it if it is not offered freely.  And he believes that paying attention to him should be my only occupation.  We eventually compromised and he let me read and even, on occasion, eat.  But it took a lot of convincing to get him to believe that just because I was reading didn't mean I couldn't skritch him at the same time.  But when he curls his head into my chest, he is just too adorable to resist...and he knows it!

I'm happy to report that I'm back to my usual routine.  I put my kitchen back in order after all of the cooking this weekend, and got all of my breakfast and lunch pieces put together and stacked them neatly in the refrigerator to grab and go in the morning.  I was a little off for the last two days, but having clutter in my kitchen was a major contributor.  Now that I keep it relatively neat, I get demotivated when I have slacked off!  And I still need to find the rest of the motivation to finish decluttering my office!  Thankfully, I will never run out of things to do! 

My gratitudes tonight are:

1 I am grateful for endless projects.
2. I am grateful for unconditional love.
3. I am grateful that I know myself and accept my imperfections.
4. I am grateful for wonderful, new opportunities.
5. I am grateful for unconditional friendship.

Love and light.

Monday, November 26, 2012

November 26, 2012 A little change up is a good thing

Tonight I changed up my routine a bit.  Instead of coming home and eating dinner in front of the tv, I downloaded a couple of books to my ipad and read instead.  The lack of aural stimuli was a welcome change.  In fact, after the insights of the last few days, I rather needed time for quiet introspection.

I realized something today.  While I've been concerned about keeping people at arm's length because my heart isn't open enough, I realized that might not be the case at all.  I'm simply more selective than most about who I allow past a certain point.  It's not so much an issue of trust, but more a matter of selective sharing.  I think that, while it may make it harder to find people to share with, as friends or more, the right ones will get past my reticence and, in fact, over the years some have.  Although I watch the ones who travel in packs with a bit of envy, I really am not that person anyway.  I need my nights of quiet alone time on a regular basis just as I need my dance nights and my wild and crazy nights.  My balance is not the same as another person's balance and while it can be found in many ways, I don't have to be part of a group to find it.  Yes, I would like to be a little more involved outside of dancing, but I trust it will come at the proper time.  I just need to remain open to the possibilities.

Someone commented on "membership" in various cliques at Borderline.  Frankly, I don't really see most of them as cliques, but as groups of people who have shared interests outside of dancing.  As I continue to chat with the people around me, those shared interests will surface.  But for now, I'm ok as I am, even those times when I feel a bit on the outside or lonely.  There is a purpose for wherever I might be, and it's all part of the path which leads to the next place I will be. 

It has been awhile since I've meditated on "acceptance" and rarely do I think about accepting myself, but here it is.  Right in front of me.  An opportunity to accept myself as I am and allow myself to grow into whatever I will be. There are no wrong paths, only lessons.  But for those lessons, I'd just be a carbon copy of everyone else. 

As I was talking to my daughter while we both drove home, she was complaining about how people were rude and inconsiderate and wouldn't allow her to change lanes when she signaled her intention to move over.  I thought about it and realized that, for the most part, people are very generous to me during my commute.  I've even had someone change lanes, let me in, then change lanes again and wait for me to merge.  That is not to say that I don't see people who run up on the bumper of the guy in front of them to prevent anyone from getting in front of them, but I accept that some folks are just in more of a hurry than others, and that I can wait for one of the less hurried, less harried people who will allow me the space to move to where I need to be.  I think, in her impatience, as with many drivers, she attracts more impatience.  In my acceptance and patience, that is what I attract.  Once again, I see very clear evidence that the Laws of Attraction work. 

As I am falling asleep at the keyboard and this would end up a long and rambling post with no real cohesiveness between topics, I'm going to bring tonight's post to a close.

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for opportunities to learn new lessons.
2. I am grateful for the ability to accept myself as I am now, and as I will be further down the line.
3. I am grateful for quiet nights alone with the kitties.
4. I am grateful for the occasional early night to rejuvenate and restore.
5. I am grateful for kindness:  in myself and in others.

Love and light.

November 25, 2012 The long weekend comes to an end.

The end of a very pleasant four day weekend is drawing to a close.  The days were filled with family, food and fun, but soon it will be time to return to my responsibilities.  Sure, I did a lot of cleaning and cleaning up, cooking, shopping and such, but I still got to sleep as late as I felt like it and didn't have to leave the house if I didn't want to (although I really only stayed home one full day, and was making soup while I did so).  We never did manage to get out to see Rise of the Guardians, but there will be other days. 

I did get plenty of exercise, cooking, cleaning and walking.  With all of our shopping jaunts the last couple of days, I'm sure I put a few miles on my feet!  My legs and hips were sure telling a tale of their woes, so I guess I overdid it a bit, but what's a little pain when you get hours of fun with your kids?  It's all worth it, and the dancing last night was stupendous as well! 

I have my healthy lunch and breakfast ready to go in the refrigerator and the coffee pot ready to fill with hot water.  All is right with my world.  Or is it?

I raised an issue yesterday and gained some amazing insight from three ladies in particular who I love and respect.  But the real epiphany came from me.  I realized that I don't have a single really close girlfriend right now.  I have several who I talk to and feel close to, but we only see each other on occasion and are busy with our own lives.  I watch people at Borderline and hear about their activities with each other outside of the club.  Other than my daughter and son-in-law and one of their friends, I can count on one hand the times I've socialized with any of my Borderline friends, and still have fingers left over.  This all leads up to my epiphany with regard to my daughter's perception of my, let's call it, datability.  If I cannot connect with people in friendship, how can I expect to connect with someone special? 

That isn't to say that I don't talk to people, remember things about them, and look forward to seeing them.  I've exchanged phone numbers and facebook accounts, but I have yet to really connect with any of them.  It appears that what I think is me being caring and open is simply a step on my path towards that point, but I haven't really gotten there yet.  I admit, I'm envious of the people who are always posting pictures of a group who seems to go everywhere together.  I would like at least one girlfriend I could call, or who could call me and say, hey, let's go do such and such tonight. 

The problem, in part, is that so many of my friends are part of a couple, and I'm not.  I know, no matter what people might say, that this can pose a problem.  Either they have to plan an evening away from their husbands or boyfriends, or I'm a fifth wheel and I sure don't want to be the one to make anyone feel uncomfortable!  I would love to find a friend or two or three with whom I could go to a play or a comedy club or something once in awhile, or even go further afield to dance on occasion.  I'm afraid I've gotten myself into a rut and am, contrary to what I'd like to believe, stuck in my comfort zone.  And it appears that my comfort zone houses somewhat of a loner. 

You'd think I'd get enough alone time, coming home to a house empty of other humans, but I really do like the time I spend alone.  I would also enjoy getting out and doing different things with other humans so I don't loaf on the couch or in front of the computer quite so often. 

So it appears I'm at a crossroads where I need to find that path which leads out of my comfort zone and into the place where the magic happens!  As I grab my staff and my pack, the destination is vague.  It's the journey which is important.  Tally Ho!

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for friends who help me work out puzzles.
2. I am grateful for new horizons.
3. I am grateful for Aha moments.
4. I am grateful for new, wonderful, inspiring friendships.
5. I am grateful for adventures which lead to lessons which lead to more adventures.

Love and light.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

November 24, 2012 Finding good examples in surprising places.

Over the last few months, I've mentioned, repeatedly, that there are lessons I have to work on constantly.  These include patience, forgiveness and, last but not least, kindness.  It occurred to me today that one of the best examples of kindness is one to whom I never give credit; my daughter, Heather.  How she came to be so kind, I don't really know, but in hindsight, she was always the one to befriend a new kid, stick up for the underdog and be blissfully ignorant of what others would call "differences".  One of my favorite memories is when she was trying to describe one of her friends to me so I could follow the story she was telling.  She said " you know her mom.  She's the one with a darker tan than me."  She didn't mention that the girl walked with a limp because of a disease from which she suffered.  The only distinguishing feature she saw, and, in fact, admired was that she had a better tan! 

As she's grown up, despite suffering cruelties from others, she never allowed it to change her.  She's the one who is the first to volunteer to help someone in need, to ensure that if someone is a guest for a holiday, they have at least one present to open, or who encourages me to do something to help feed those less fortunate.  She is a shining example of true kindness and I am very proud to call her my daughter.  I am also very proud to have her as a living example of what I'm striving for, one of many these days, but the one closest to my heart, and most often overlooked. 

Dancing tonight was amazing, although I kind of had the table to myself.  The people on either side of me were overflowing onto my table as they both had lots of guests tonight, but that just made it more of a party.  I was like the bridge between the two groups, and had a great time socializing with both.  One friend was such a sweetie, worrying that I was lonely.  I guess someone who is used to being surrounded by friends and family doesn't realize that some of us do quite well alone, and don't usually feel lonely at all.  I enjoyed watching the interactions of the people around me, the dancers on the floor, the friends on either side of me, the couple sitting at the rail and how the little gestures made it apparent that he cherished the woman he was with.  All of these things made me smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  And now I'm home, petting those who are warm and fuzzy on the outside!  I'm pretty sure I worked off at least a little of the Thanksgiving feast, but even if I didn't, I had a good time, got some good cardio in, and worked out my legs, which need all of the exercise they can get!  I got to spend several hours visiting with some truly delightful people, and sharing our love of the music and dancing.  How could I be lonely in the midst of all of that love and joy?  That isn't to say that I didn't, at times, retreat into myself, but there are times when I just need to hold the joy of dancing close to my heart and set my aura aglow. 

Tonight was a night when I felt my mood shifting rapidly, from outgoing and rowdy to introverted and blissful and a lot of things in between, all good.  It's as if I was on a journey tonight, and traveled to several foreign lands, stopping for a bit to interact with the residents, then gathering what I'd learned and moving on to the next one.  The travel between places was my time to review what I'd learned and allow it to help me grow before I added more stimuli to my journey. 

I sit here now, feeling happy, fulfilled, content.  My journey today took me to many new places and it will take awhile to sift through what I learned along the way. 

I have been getting more and more comments about what I'm writing here lately, and I just want to say that I take them all very much to heart, and appreciate the fact that, not only do people take the time to read what I'm writing, but they take the time to share their perspectives as well.  I cannot tell you how grateful I am for everyone who takes the time to read this blog.  My heart has swollen to five times its size!  Thank you so much.

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am everlastingly grateful for my readers.
2. I am grateful for caring friends who want to make sure I'm doing all right.
3. I am grateful for dancing which fills my soul with joy and my heart with friendship.
4. I am grateful for beautiful November days spent with my kids.
5. I am grateful for the most Joyful year I have ever had, and look forward to ever-increasing Joy from now on.

Love and light.

Friday, November 23, 2012

November 23, 2012 Black Friday and Soup

Here I sit, in front of the computer, enjoying Black Friday from the comfort of my own home with the smell of turkey soup permeating the house.  By the end of the day, I'll have an enormous pot of turkey, vegetable, wild rice soup which I plan to enjoy with a glass or two of the wine we never opened yesterday.  I have found that, despite the somewhat fattening array of foods we present on Thanksgiving, the part I appreciate more is the healthy fare I create from the leftovers.  Whether it's my famous pot of soup or a turkey omelet, it is very possible to get great, healthy meals out of the leftovers.  As I make my own cranberry sauce, I use less sugar and add things like tangerines and cinnamon to the mix.  It's still somewhat fattening, but far less than what I would get at the store!

Despite all of the help from the kids, my back told me last night that I had still overdone it a bit, but it was nothing a night in my very comfortable bed, surrounded by my furry kids couldn't make right.  I'm being more careful today, however, and taking breaks after standing for an hour or so in the kitchen.  And I'll probably prevail upon my son-in-law to lift the pan out of the dutch oven that we left to soak last night.

I was really surprised that the cats were no trouble at all yesterday.  Dylan came out and visited for a bit, but as he hates anything except his dry food and some fruit, he was not an issue when it came to keeping him out of the food.  The rest were happy just to lounge on my bed all day with occasional visits from one human or another.  They're also quite pleased that after my cleaning frenzy on Wednesday, I moved one of their trees away from the wall and in front of the window.  Now they have another vantage point for watching the world go by.  I even opened the blinds today so they could see the neighbors better!

And it is a beautiful day in the neighborhood!  My sinuses told me long before my ears did that the wind was back, but it's blown away the clouds without bringing a lot of heat.  It has me opening windows and letting the fresh air in, much to the delight of the furballs who love sitting in front of an open window, letting the wind blow through their fur.  I may well make good on my promise to go sit on the newly cleaned off patio furniture (thanks to the afore-mentioned son-in-law) and just waste away the day as the song goes.

As I sit here watching " Pretty Woman"  for the umpteenth time a conversation from last night pops back into my mind and leaves me feeling a little sad. The conversation was instigated by a preview for a movie about two kids whose parents started dating. The question was posed about whether any of us would find it weird to be dating the parent of our kid's boy/girlfriend.  I immediately answered that I'd find it weird to be dating my daughter's boyfriend's father. My daughter's response was that she could never even see me dating again. That is what made me sad. That my own daughter sees me as a dried up old prune who either wouldn't ever let a man near or, worse, who couldn't attract one if she tried. Have I really sent that message out so clearly?  Does everyone I meet see the same thing?  Are my walls really so high that the idea of them coming down or of anyone being brave enough to scale them is inconceivable?

What makes this so hard for me to fathom is that I've put a lot of time and effort into lowering those walls and opening my heart to possibilities.  Has it all been for naught?  Am I still the same ice cold, isolated, locked up woman I was?  If so, I'd really like to know what I need to do to flush that image away. That is not the person I want to be any more. The woman I want to be is loving and open and giving and, ultimately, cherished.

It's very frustrating to discover that for all of your effort at growing and expanding, you really haven't gone very far at all. Of course, there is another possibility. My daughter has gotten so used to seeing the closed in, self protective me I was while she was growing up that she is unable to see me any differently?

So I have a new focus for the next however long it takes. I will be focusing on being more open and accessible .  I also need to pay closer attention to people who already are so.  It seems I have a great deal yet to learn. 

On another, lighter topic, my annual turkey soup, or should I say, turkey stew, turned out very well, in fact, my daughter commented on how it's never the same way twice,  but always interesting and yummy.  Son-in-law was practically licking his bowl and promised to bring over a container to relieve me of some of the bounty. :)   I realized as I was chopping vegetables that between cooking and cleaning, I've spent more time on my feet in the last 3 days than I have for quite awhile.  The funny thing is, it isn't my knees which are hurting from all of the abuse, but my back and calves.  I definitely need some serious stretching, but the kids haven't had a chance to help me for the last couple of days.  I will do what I can on my own, but prevail upon them to help me out tomorrow. 

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful that my knees are, once again, becoming accustomed to standing.
2. I am grateful for soup that came out yummy and in quantities vast enough to share.
3. I am grateful for my daughter's honesty as it helps me see what I might otherwise miss.
4. I am grateful for another opportunity to learn and grow.
5. I am grateful for endless opportunities to turn my otherwise negative thoughts into something more powerful and productive.

Love and light

November 22, 2012 And everyone is stuffed!

What a marvelous day we had today!  I have so much to be grateful for!  The kids got here early and Mathom made breakfast while Heather and I did our annual stuffing preparation.  We really have it down these days!  We've been using our recipe for so long that we both just grab the things we need and start chopping so the job is done in no time!  We've come a long way from the days when I did most of it, but was teaching the girls how to prepare the ingredients.  And what would Thanksgiving be without a forgotten dish or two?  I forgot the veggies and Mathom forgot the yams he wanted to make!  He fits in more and more each day! 

It was a lovely day with family and friends.  My sister seemed very relaxed in our crazy company, and Caleb and his box of Legos entertained us all!  Heather was brilliant in making sure he had something to play with.  Not that he isn't a good kid anyway, but it was a long day for him to not have something to play with.  Although, a couple of times, I found him in my room with the cats. 

The cats were surprisingly good today.  I didn't need to lock them in as they spent most of the day loafing on my bed.  And Arthur hid behind the couch until his parents were long gone so he'd get another sleep-over at Grandma's!  Silly boy!  He finally came out to get some skritches, but decided that he was going to hiss, then ask for more.  My daughter has very weird animals!!!

But the food turned out great, the gluten free flour for the gravy worked out well, nobody left hungry and I distributed the leftovers around so everyone will have a little something for the next couple of days.  ( and I don't have a refrigerator full of fattening stuff!)   I'd say it was a perfect day! 

Heather and I did some more shopping online, and I have some Kohl's cash I can play with next week, not to mention the ebates I earned.  I'm still waiting for the Kohl's ones to post, but the others are already credited to my account.  I'm enjoying picking up a little cash for doing shopping I was going to do anyway.

But I'm feeling too satisfied and lazy to be very profound tonight.  The house smells wonderfully of the soup I started from the turkey carcass.  It will cool tonight so I can strain it and add all of the veggies tomorrow.   I suspect it, too, will be the best ever.  I'm adding fresh green beans and spinach to this batch!  Of course, the weather is supposed to be warm for the next couple of days, but I will still enjoy my soup!!!

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for family and friends who spent a nice, relaxing day eating, visiting and chatting.

2. I am grateful for cooking frenzies with my daughter and now, my son-in-law too.
3. I am grateful for being able to distribute the leftovers so they all get eaten and I don't overeat.
4. I am grateful for a 4 day weekend in which to shop, cook and relax.
5. I am grateful that I am able to recognize and acknowledge so many blessings in my life!

Love and light.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

November 21, 2012 Thanksgiving Eve

Despite the fact that the kids have their own place with a working stove now, the annual Thanksgiving bake-fest still took place at my house.  Mathom had gathered almost all of the ingredients so Heather just came by and took over my kitchen.  (thankfully, I'd already washed the floor by the time she got there).  While she was creating, I was moving furniture and scrubbing the floor in the living room, taking a break between doing the dining room and the rest of the living room as my back was not used to such serious scrubbing!!!  But it looks pretty good if you ask me, despite it being half black mastic and half ugly 1960's era tile!  Being clean really helps! 

As usual, I sent off my Thanksgiving eve online orders, although I did a lot less damage this year.  I guess that makes sense considering the fact that we had the wedding this year, so I really should spend a lot less on Christmas. 

We have so much to be grateful for this year.  The kids got married and found a better apartment on my end of town.  Heather and I both have decent jobs.  The animals are all healthy and spoiled rotten.  I've put the remodel fiasco behind me.
We've reconnected with my sister and she'll be joining us for Thanksgiving.  Our circle of friends is expanding.  My knee is healing well from the surgery and my physical limitations are disappearing by the day!  I have connected with some amazing and inspiring women who make me think, write and grow.

All in all, this has been a most spectacular year, and I'm looking forward to seeing it out with a bang, and with my favorite people in the whole world.  But for now, we celebrate Thanksgiving and remember what it's really about.  Our family traditions continue, expanding to include Mathom and his ideas which, while sometimes offbeat are never boring!  We open our door to a few more people this year, and I hope that this will only be the beginning and that we will, once again, have a table that is bountiful not only in food but in people and good spirits and Joy.

May everyone experience as much joy as my family and me are this holiday season.

My gratitudes are:

1. I am grateful that I'm able to share my holiday feast with friends and family.
2. I am grateful that I was able to scrub floors today with little lasting effects on my body.
3. I am grateful that our holiday traditions continue and that we add new things each year.
4. I am grateful that our holidays, while busy, will be peaceful.
5. I am grateful for my friends and acquaintances who share their holiday joys.

Love and light.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

November 20, 2012 New habits can be...habit forming!

Now that the kids are coming over in the evening to help me continue the great stretching I got from the physical therapist, I got inspired to do something new last night. (well, maybe not exactly new, but new by virtue of the timing).  After writing and before sleeping, I got off my lazy rear and did several of the exercises I had done with the therapist.  I was a little concerned that raising my heart rate just before bed would impair my sleep but one way or another, I really need to continue the exercises on a regular basis.  I was pleasantly surprised to discover that, not only did I fall asleep quickly, I didn't have to get up more than once in the middle of the night.  I woke feeling well rested and ready to jump into my day!  And the kitties were especially pleased that their nighttime nap was less disturbed than usual!  So, day 1 of my new exercise routine begins!  Only 29 more before it becomes a habit!!

Dreams were a bit goofy and more memorable again.  I won't go into detail but there seemed to be an underlying theme last night.  I would drive somewhere for a specific purpose and end up coming away with something entirely different.  For example, in one scene, I went to get a quote from a plumber and ended up buying a car in a very bizarre transaction.  We still brought the plumber to the house so he could give us a quote, but that became secondary to the plot line.

I'm thinking that the Universe is trying to tell me "whatever your plans or expectations might be, I have something better in mind, so stay loose and open minded.".    This is really good advice given a lot of things which are changing around me right now.  And frankly, I have no problem with expecting the unexpected.  It definitely keeps life interesting!

Fortunately, this did not affect my plans for this evening so the cornbread and cranberry sauce did get made.  The cranberry sauce may be a bit heavy on the cinnamon, however, as I forgot that the bottle did not have a shaker top and turned it over too fast, but I'm sure I'll get no complaints out of Heather.

I'm thinking it's a good thing I got some writing done earlier today as my brain is mush again, and I'm sitting here, staring at the computer and yawning.  Dylan thinks that's fine as it means I take my fingers off of the keyboard and pay attention to him!

My daughter is really a wonderful cheering section.  We were discussing some plans I have for myself and I told her that I give it at least 6 months.  She assures me that I'll see results soon after the first of the year.  It is so great to have someone believe in me like that!!  I'm so very blessed!

I guess my mini cooking frenzy caused my brain, or whatever feeds me the words of wisdom to close up shop early today, so there won't be any great epiphanies tonight.  Perhaps there will be two tomorrow to make up for today's lack.

My gratitudes tonight are:

.1. I am grateful for completed tasks.
2. I am grateful that I can put my plans into the Universe's hands and know that, whatever happens, I'll be pleased with the results.
3. I am grateful that my friends and family all have someplace to spend the holiday where it will be filled with love, good food and joy.
4. I am grateful for my health and for the people who have encouraged me to keep going when I wasn't 100%.
5. I am grateful for a four day weekend.

Love and light.

Monday, November 19, 2012

November 19, 2012 Is it real, or is it Memorex?

More and more often these days, when I sit down to write, convinced that my mind is empty of thoughts worthy of sharing, I suddenly find a whole idea pouring out, as if it was a bathtub full of water, just waiting for someone to pull the plug to drain the contents.  This no longer unique process has led me to consider looking into Channeling as I'm certain these wonderful insights couldn't possibly be coming from my mind, but are rather being fed through it!  How could I possibly have no thoughts one minute, and be filled with insight the next?  The mind simply boggles at the concept! 

I do know that my day is no longer complete unless I sit down to write at least once a day.  My mind simply pulsates with energy that has to come out one way or another!  Once in awhile, the energy even translates to my body and I'm able to accomplish amazing things!  Tonight, however, was not one of those nights.  Yes, I got the trash out and the sandboxes scooped, and yes, I fixed dinner and cleaned up afterwards, but other than a little pre-black friday shopping while I sat in front of the TV, that's the sum total of today's accomplishments.

As I mentioned before, I've been reading a couple of chapters a night in one of the Laws of Attraction books, and yesterday I read the part about allowing your body to release the extra weight.  It must have struck a nerve (along with the tighter fit of the pants I wore today) because I noticed a major reduction in my appetite!  I'm thinking I need to read that chapter every day, sort of like a refresher course so my tummy will remain less inclined to eat overmuch.  We all need little reminders as we power through our days, kind of like the gratitudes, or maybe, EXACTLY like the gratitudes.  How many times do I forget to be grateful for this healthy body which carries me from place to place, gives my brain the fingers to type words that come from nowhere, feet to do the dance steps I've learned and a mouth to stick my foot in at times?

So tonight I must wax eloquent on the virtues of my wonderful, healthy, increasingly limber, often imperfect body.  In our pursuit of miracles, it is so easy to overlook the ones which are right under our noses, quite literally.  When we get out of bed in the morning, do we take time to think of all of the little electrical impulses at work to get us to shut off the alarm and lift ourselves up and out of our beds, to showers, coffee making, teeth brushing, cat feeding life?  I know I don't usually give it much thought, but really, don't these miracles of engineering and efficiency deserve just a little bit of credit now and then?  Do we only appreciate what we have when something gives out and we bemoan our misfortune at what we can't do?  That hardly seems fair.  This is the body that weathered the scrapes and bruises we gave it in our rush to grow up.  The same body which suffered through our efforts to learn to roller skate or do somersaults or cartwheels.  The one which came out a little the worse for wear when we fell off our bike or our horse, or the front steps?  Yet, each time, it healed it's hurts, be they scrapes and bruises or breaks and tears, it continues to support us, regardless of the abuse we heap upon it.  It tolerates too much coffee and not enough food, skipped meals, or poor excuses for them, insufficient exercise and sleep deprivation.  For some of us, it handled bloat, gas and additional loads put on it as we carried our babies.  While a Timex may take a licking and keep on ticking, this body of ours, takes a beating and keeps repeating, even enthusiastically, whatever we might throw at it.

So the least we can do is allow it to find its healthy self, it's optimum efficiency, its streamlined, high performance, maximum horsepower self.    And to do so is to allow.  I love Abraham's example of a canoe on a stream.  When we paddle upstream, we work our bodies, minds and spirits much harder than necessary, and have little to show for the effort.   When we try to paddle upstream, we're really attempting to go back the way we came.  Why?  We've already seen what's there, so there are no more surprises.  We can't change what's there as it's already happened.  So why wallow in it?  Especially when we can tuck the oars inside the canoe and let the current take us with no energy expended on our part.  This is true whether we're trying to right the world's wrongs, or just let our body be the healthy self it wants to be.

In exercises I've performed from time to time, I was directed to find my "happy place".  This place could vary from a hilltop under an old oak tree, to a boat floating on a peaceful current.  I think, in my own, convoluted way, I always knew that the real key to happiness was in letting that boat drift where it would.  I knew, deep down, that until I let go and stopped trying to control every intimate detail, I wouldn't find the true happiness I sought.

Well, Universe, I have finally figured it out!  This is me, drifting along without a care in the world!  That isn't to say that I won't, at times, revert to my old, control-freak ways, but there will be an increasing number of times when I just say "ok, this is me drifting.  We're going wherever the river rolls today."

Using today as an example, I'm going to continue to focus on health and vitality for my body, on giving it what it wants in the first place, and refraining from fighting with it over what it really wants and how it needs to get there.

Today, I just Allow.

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for a body which takes my abuse, yet continues to drift towards perfect health.
2. I am grateful for friends and family for Thanksgiving, and giving thanks.
3. I am grateful for a job which allows me to share a meal with friends and family.
4. I am grateful for coming conclusions to the dead car in my driveway and my construction project.
5. I am grateful for the kitty love I come home to every night which comes with no expectations, no judgements and all the love in the world!

Love and light.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

November 18, 2012 Gratitude for what was accomplished

This weekend, I set myself some pretty ambitious goals.  I am not ashamed to admit that I didn't achieve them all because I achieved some of them and that's quite impressive, if you ask me! 

What I didn't accomplish:  I did not get to the gym.  I did not get the entire house vacuumed and floors scrubbed. 

What I did accomplish:  I got all of the grocery shopping done for the week and for Thanksgiving.  I cleaned out the refrigerator (which wasn't even on the list!).  I vacuumed my office, the hall, the entry and both bathrooms and mopped the bathroom floors.  I emptied the cat sand boxes.  I got my breakfast and lunch ready for tomorrow.  I attended an amazing 25th anniversary party and renewal of vows.  I saw a beautiful rainbow.  I snuggled with my kitties.  I spent some quality time with my daughter and son-in-law.  I started decluttering my office and can already see significant results.

Have you noticed that the list of accomplishments is much longer than the list of things I didn't make?  Have you noticed that the "did nots" are all big things while the "dids" encompass all size and manner  of tasks?  There's a reason for that.  We make our lists of things to do at the top level.  If we were to applaud ourselves only at the top level, we'd wait much longer to give ourselves credit, and that's a poor choice, in my mind.  Every little attaboy makes us strive to accomplish more.  Every bit of praise we give ourselves makes us give a little more to the next task at hand.  While every criticism we give ourselves makes it harder to pick ourselves up for the next task, and makes that next task all the more daunting. 

Many years ago, on my first visit to Sedona, I had my Tarot cards read.  At the end of the reading, the woman told me "be kinder to yourself".  Although I've lost sight of her advice at times, I always find my way back to it and realize that as long as I make sure I'm kind to myself, I'm closer to my Joy, and when I'm closer to my Joy, I'm kinder to the world in general.  And isn't that what it's all about? 

There is more than enough anger, distrust, and downright meanness in the world already.  You can't fight those emotions.  The only way to lessen their impact is to flood them with love, kindness and compassion.  If you fight them, you're simply giving them emotional support, even if the energy is negative.  Those emotions thrive on negative energy, and grow stronger as a result.  Just as an abundance of negative energy can suck the life out of a room, an abundance of positive energy can suck the life out of those destructive emotions, causing them to wither and die, yet without expending energy in their direction. 

In an old sci-fi movie, there were aliens who sucked up electrical energy and grew stronger and larger.  They were defeated when the current was cut.  It's the same with destructive emotions.  Fight them, be reviled by them, protest them, and they grow stronger.  Love them, accept them, have compassion for them, even ignore them and they shrivel up and die.  You've taken away their food, nay, their life blood 

I am as guilty as the next person of reacting and feeding into someone's need to control through chaos.  I am also guilty of beating myself up afterwards, which only exacerbates the problem.  In the last few months, it has really hit home that I need to practice my kindness and understanding at home, inside of myself, because that is the most difficult place to master the concept.  If I can master it within myself, I can face any challenge, no matter how difficult. 

So tonight, I'm giving myself a huge hug of appreciation for a job well done, saying "I love you" with all of the sincerity in my heart and forgiving myself for any perceived lack.  This is the gift I give to the world for tomorrow and the days to follow.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for a wonderful start to the final phase of decluttering my house.
2. I am grateful for a short work week, and a long family and friends week.
3. I am grateful for remembering to be kind to myself.
4. I am grateful to my daughter for understanding that I need help stretching my legs to reach full recovery, and for taking it upon herself to help me get there.
5. I am grateful for the examples set by friends who have been married for over 25 years and are still very much in love. 

Love and light.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

November 17, 2012 Post number 2 aka Shall we write again?

Had a wonderful time today watching my friends renew their vows after 25 years of marriage.  The music, the ceremony, the happy couple were absolutely beautiful!!!  And of course, the party at Borderline afterwards was delightful.  So delightful, in fact, that I danced my knee into the pain zone.  This, too shall pass, but I realized I really need the deep stretch the therapist was giving me, so the kids volunteered to take turns helping me with that.  Do I have great kids or what?  I am so very blessed!

It is Thanksgiving week and the shopping frenzy which precedes the cooking frenzy begins.  Although I actually managed to get some decluttering done today in that black hole I call an office, I still have some serious cleaning to do tomorrow.  But now I can see the floor well enough to include it in my vacuuming and scrubbing campaign!  What fun!  (yeah, right!)  But I refuse to have guests in a dirty house, so I will clean. 

Last year, we had to make about 6 trips up to Von's on Thanksgiving for things we'd forgotten.  This year, I'm going to make a list by dish to ensure that we don't miss something this time.  Mathom has said that he doesn't mind running back and forth, but I'd really rather not put that on him.  Remembering some of what was forgotten last year, I already picked up the buttermilk and corn meal for the stuffing last weekend.  But there are still lots of things to buy and a refrigerator to clean out in preparation.  I did, however, remember to pull the bird out of the freezer because I've found that if they say it will defrost in 5 days, it's better to give it 6 or 7! 

As I feared when I was so prolific this morning, I am pretty much out of words of wisdom tonight.  My mind keeps wandering back to the wonderful evening I had with the kids and visiting with my friends, in between dancing too much for my knee's sanity.  But hey, I had to make up for missing this Thursday due to the holiday.  I might just have to make the stuffing and cranberry sauce on Tuesday night so I can dance on Wednesday.  I can't afford to get rusty by missing a day, now, can I? 

So, off I go and, on the advice of a friend, I'll ask the Universe to give me dreams that are so unbelievable, crazy and convoluted that I'll wake up with a smile on my face from the sheer absurdity of it all!

Love and light.

November 17, 2012 Clarification, my happy hiney!

Last night when I lay down to sleep, I asked the Universe for clarifying dreams.  I needed more information in order to understand the message I'd received the night before.  What I got was anything but, as far as I'm concerned!

The dream which stands out most in my mind involved me going to my massage therapist's for my monthly massage.  Understand, first that her studio and the area around her house are always meticulously tended with thriving plants, manicured lawn and a total air of order and peace. 

In the dream, everything was overgrown with grass growing high in the planters.  There was chaos everywhere with brides walking around fully dressed and ready for their big day, her calendar all confused as to who had an appointment when, to the point that, although I was certain I'd booked a 9:00 appointment, I was suddenly unsure as to whether I shouldn't have been there until 11:00.  Apparently, I wasn't alone as there were several clients hanging around, also unsure as to when they were scheduled. 

It didn't seem to matter though, as we went into the back yard and sat at a heavily laden table and started talking.  She was raving about the amazing pizza her partner was making as a result of being disappointed with restaurant fare.  They showed me the pizza but ate it without offering me or anyone else some.  She did offer me a stack of thin chocolates saying that they were only 35 calories.  When I asked if she meant the whole stack, I was told that that was only for one.  I took one and tried hard to eat and enjoy it, but it was hard as a rock.  It was, it seemed, supposed to be similar to a Heath bar, but much harder, and I finally gave up trying.  I thought to myself, if the thing was only 35 calories, I used up more than that just trying to eat it!!! 

At one point during the night, I was dreaming that my knee was aching, then woke to find that it was.  I got up, changed positions and woke later with it feeling better.  I also dreamt that I had a screaming headache, woke slightly to find that I did, but fell asleep again, and awoke to find it was gone.  Of course, by then, I had kitties piled on top of me wanting to know why I wasn't awake yet as it had been light out for HOURS!!! 

The overall theme I'm getting from this is confusion, which is singularly unhelpful as I was already confused!!!  It feels like the Universe is having yet another of its belly laughs at my expense.  It's as if they're saying "sorry kiddo, but you're going to have to figure this one out yourself, and we're going to enjoy the heck out of watching the process.  Hope it takes awhile as the longer it takes, the more amusing you become!"

So much for Universal high fives.  I think we're back to headslaps!

This has certainly been a year of challenges for me.  The challenge of finding closure for my venture into the remodeling world.  The challenge to find a way to actually make the remodel happen, even if I have to do it in pieces.  The challenge of planning my daughter's wedding.  The challenge of my job (and there isn't enough room here to go into that!).  The challenge of adapting to my first full year of living alone in about 30 years (which wasn't that hard to adapt to, aside from having all of the chores to myself!). 

And that doesn't even include the challenges I've set for myself.  The challenge to write every day until I finally get back to my book (or a book for that matter!).  The challenge to get myself healthy and fit.  The challenge to overcome my tendency towards reactiveness.  The challenge to find my true path and give something back to the world. 

I'm happy to say that, for the most part, I've overcome the challenges I've set, or at least set out on the path to overcoming them.  I suspect that as I do resolve each one, I will replace them with others as each successful challenge yields valuable lessons.  I certainly don't feel as overwhelmed as I did earlier this year.  I've decluttered and cleared and cleaned.  I still have a long way to go, but I have made significant progress and I'm very proud of myself for that! 

And let us not forget that I got my knee fixed and am well on the way to a complete recovery!  I am immensely grateful for that! 

As I'm sitting here writing this at 9:00 in the morning, I have a feeling that it could be setting a precedent, not only for writing much earlier in the day, but possibly writing more than once a day!   Wouldn't that be a hoot after struggling for so long to write something, anything, once a day!  And I can't really give up my nightly writing because I've found that it really helps me sleep better!  Could it be that my next challenge is creating itself?  Could it be that getting back to the book writing will involve additional discipline with regards to my regular writing?  Will I suddenly find myself writing in every spare moment of the day until I'm able to just write all day long and not worry about mundane matters like jobs, meetings and getting out of my pajamas if the muse strikes early in the morning?  Will I once again find myself at a desk, littered with coffee cups, remnants of quickly grabbed meals and notes jotted down so I wouldn't forget them in the midst of my writing frenzy? 

A strange excitement is brewing in me after typing the last paragraph.  It is as if this is where I'm headed, in my two steps forward, one step back kind of way.  Is the slow progress necessary for me to achieve the desired results?  Are some of the frustrations I've been faced with part of what will make my writing more solid, more believable, more, dare I say it, marketable?  I have to pause to think on that.

Just for grins, I checked my average word count for the last few posts and found that it ranged from 600-900 words.  This post (without gratitudes, even) has already exceeded 1000!  If nothing else, my tendency to say things in 10,000 words or more is returning in force!  I can't say I'm sorry that it's back.  In fact, I really have to welcome it with open arms after sitting here some nights, looking at a blank screen, trying to drag a single coherent thought out of my brain.

I had a conversation with my massage therapist at my last appointment about the series Laws of Attraction.  I was surprised to learn that she had only just discovered it as she is extremely well read in all things Spiritual.  But it reminded me that I have two more books in the series which I had barely touched, and which have been sitting on my shelf for over a year.  After our conversation, I picked up the one dealing with emotions and started reading.  I found that I was unable to sit still and read for very long, so I put the book beside my bed, and read a couple of chapters every night.  I think this is actually a better way to read them than just blowing straight through as it gives me the opportunity to mull over what I've read.  The recurring concept so far has been one of being in a canoe and trying to paddle upstream.  Everything you want or need is downstream, and all you need to do is allow yourself to ride the current.  But we so often try to paddle upstream as if we think there is something we missed behind us.  It is like we're trying to recapture the past instead of embracing the present and the future.  No matter how hard we try, we cannot rewrite what has already occurred.  The only real influence it has is that it has helped to form what we are today, and gave us the lessons on which we continue to build.  But it's over, done, kaput.  There are no "do overs" in life.  Better to thank the Universe for the lessons, stand up and say very firmly, "NEXT!!" and step off the next cliff like the Fool on the Hill.

Life is a journey.  It is entirely up to you whether it will be boring or exciting.  Boring is easy and safe, but limits growth and expansion.  Exciting has its perils, but frankly, I rather like roller coasters, especially the ones with hidden surprises!

My gratitudes this morning are:

1. I am grateful for roller coasters.
2. I am grateful for challenges which, once overcome are replaced with newer, tougher ones.
3. I am grateful for Saturday mornings when I don't have to be anywhere and can go wherever the muse takes me.
4. I am grateful for inspiration which comes, more often than not, from the amazing women in my life.
5. I am grateful for shakups in my routine which continue to make my life interesting and unique.

Love and light.

Friday, November 16, 2012

November 16, 2012 Convoluted thoughts and dreams.

I woke up at about 2:30 AM from a very strange and disturbing dream.  I wouldn't exactly call it a nightmare because, despite the nature of the dream, I didn't ever really have a feeling of terror.  I did think to myself after looking at the clock "is that all it is?" because, had it been a few hours later, I would have just stayed awake.

In the dream, I was transported to a large warehouse in a big, military style helicopter.  Although there were other people with me, they seemed to be sort of on the periphery.  Inside the warehouse, I found myself shooting at what turned out to be dead people who kept reanimating and coming after me, trying to shoot me as well.  One of them dropped a gun because he couldn't get the bullets into it.  When I picked it up, I found that the bullets had a special piece on the back which had to be turned the right way in order for the bullets to load into the gun.  I also remember yelling "Don't do it, Lucy!" though I have no idea who this Lucy person might have been.  At one point, I ran out of the warehouse and was talking to some kind of law enforcement official, explaining that I got there in a helicopter, but the helicopter was nowhere to be found, and the feeling I got was that it had been blown up.

What is even more odd about this dream is that I am typing this about 15 hours after it woke me up, and still remember a lot of the details.  My experience has been that when I remember a dream vividly hours later, there is some kind of message I'm supposed to be getting from it.  As of this moment, I am absolutely stumped as to what kind of message this crazy dream was carrying.

Whenever I have these vivid, thought provoking dreams, a song from my childhood will pop into my head.  Although the song was written in about 1950 by Ed McCurdy, the version I remember was sung by Simon and Garfunkle.   The words are: 
Last night I had the strangest dream I ever had before. 
I dreamed the world had all agreed to put an end to war. 
I dreamed I saw a mighty room filled with women and men
And the paper they were signing said they'd never fight again.
And when the paper was all signed and a million copies made.
They all joined hands and bowed their heads and a million prayers were prayed.
And the people in the streets below were dancing 'round and 'round.
And guns and swords and uniforms were scattered on the ground.
Last night I had the strangest dream I'd never dreamed before.
I dreamed the world had all agreed to put an end to war.

While watching tv last night, I caught a couple of snippets about fighting between the Palestinians and Israel in Gaza again, and the internet contained more stories today.  I had also been talking to a friend about the Twilight movies which featuring the undead vampires.  Did my brain twist these two unrelated stories into one, oddly disjointed dream? 

It could be something not as easily related too.  I have noticed over the last few days that with the issue I'm trying to resolve, I seem to be attracting negative energy again, but now it is VERY uncomfortable!  It isn't necessarily getting inside my personal bubble.  Instead, it is just lingering around me and, vampire-like,  sucking the life out of my surroundings.  When I got home tonight, I think Dylan was very aware of it because he jumped up on the desk, put his nose up to my ear and cooed at me until I stopped what I was doing and just gave him my full attention.  Even now, he's rubbing against my legs and trying to distract me. 

Whatever is upsetting my personal continuum is really throwing me out of whack.  I couldn't really get into my dancing last night as I'm used to, and ended up leaving a little earlier than normal.  I feel almost like an old LP with the phonograph needle stuck in a scratch on my surface. 

When I sat down to meditate this afternoon, I was unable to call up images at will, but I did visualize a huge eye in the center of which was a section which kept changing shapes, first a heart, then an animal of some kind, then something else.  Staring into that eye, I sank further into my meditation and don't remember any other visualizations until I came out of it about 30 minutes later.

As usual, I am going to have to draw upon that patience which loves to elude me and just wait for more information before I figure this latest message out. 

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for Fridays!
2. I am grateful that so many people are reading my blog (over 2000 hits now!)
3. I am grateful for puzzles which make me open my mind to new lessongs.
4. I am grateful for the return of positive energy.
5. I am grateful for the holidays which give me a chance to fill my house with joy and laughter (and make me do some serious cleaning, much to the disgust of the resident furballs!)

Love and light.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

November 15, 2012 Lessons, lessons everywhere, but not a drop to drink! There must be rum!

As I looked at the pictures of the latest AHS reunion, the first I'd actually missed, it led me to thoughts of why I didn't make a bigger effort to attend.  Those thoughts led me back to the man who'd introduced the dishonest contractor into my life, and I started feeling some ugly thoughts when, suddenly, it occurred to me that both men were put into my life to help me learn a lesson, and suddenly, everything snapped into perspective!  (that is not to say that I don't still want my money back, and not just what I was awarded, but ALL of it, but I understand that what I lose is part of the lesson.)  What a discovery after a year of being aggravated!  Think of all the time I've wasted, but then, I'm sure the aggravation was part of the lesson too.  I know that, over the last week or so, I've begun approaching things much more calmly and even, in some cases, systematically.  I'm not allowing myself to stress out over the small stuff, and even some of the larger ones.  I am doing my best to maintain a demeanor, not only of calm, but of gratitude.

So now I'm wondering if some of the changes I've been feeling have to do with an almost emergence from the cocoon kind of thing.  I've been the stressed out, cranky, overreactive person.  I've gone through years of being borderline depressed.  I've managed frustration, both badly and well.  Is it coming time for me to take the lessons I've learned and teach?  Am I now to be the voice of reason, the shelter in a sea of chaos, the one who helps put things into perspective and makes everything "small stuff"?

One thing I do know is that I feel much better when I respond calmly rather than reacting.  Instead of needing to forgive myself, I can be grateful for having handled a difficult situation well instead of badly.  I do realize that this new state will continue to require practice, and I won't always get it right, but the fact that I'm getting it right more often now is, to me, a HUGE step!

Questions are now coming at me rapidly.  One of them that is resonating loudly right now has to do with the fact that I'm letting go of negative energy.  Will this allow me to focus on generating and utilizing healing energy more effectively  now?  When I rub my hands together, will I feel the heat that healing energy raises?    And if I am, indeed, becoming a better conduit for healing energy, will I be able to use it for emotional as well as physical healing?  That I even think of it makes be believe that it is all very possible.  I don't think the thought would occur to me otherwise.  And these thoughts are leaving me very excited a the idea of limitless possibilities.  And as my mantra right now is "believing is seeing", as I believe, it must be!

Now, instead of a headslap, I feel like I've just gotten a Universal high five!  Awesome!!!

Dancing was short and sweet tonight.  I just didn't feel the energy I normally do so I left a bit early.  I came home to find that I had the solution to the car parked in my driveway.  The city very kindly offered me a way to get it removed, especially since it was offending their sensibilities.  I will call tomorrow and encourage them to remove it. :)  Things do have a way of working themselves out.  I have even greater hopes for the future of my remodel too!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for problem resolutions which arrive in unexpected manners.
2. I am grateful for shared laughter with friends.
3. I am grateful for cold, rainy weather.
4. I am grateful for Fridays.
5. I am grateful for my warm bed piled high with kitties waiting to snuggle.

Love and light.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

November 14, 2012 Struggling

I'm really struggling to motivate myself to do a lot of things lately.  Work, cleaning, even fixing my next day's breakfast and lunch.  I'm so demotivated that when I sit down to write in the evenings, it is not uncommon to find myself with a blank mind and not a coherent thought in sight.  Is this a new challenge in a long list scattered none-too-sparsely along my chosen path?  Am I being forced, like an actor, to study my motivation?  What is there to study when my motivation...isn't? 

In a search for my passion, I'm left petting the cat and staring off into nothingness.  When I try to let go and locate the dream I should want to follow, they all slip away like smoke in the wind.  The only thing I truly know right now is that I have no idea!  It's not that my chips are down, so I haven't hit a true low point.  It's simply that I suddenly find myself drifting with no direction, nobody steering, and the crew has jumped ship and is laying on the beach sipping fruity drinks with umbrellas in them.  I could look at it as the vacation before the real work begins, and just enjoy the lull, but lack of motivation really isn't my favorite place to be.  I don't take vacations well and frankly, I perform best under pressure.  When I'm getting close to the wire, I become a crazy person, rushing around, overdoing it and getting things done.  This time, I'd like to be prepared, but before I can do that, I need to have some clue, some inkling as to what I want to be prepared for! 

I find myself standing at a door, admitting to myself that I really don't want to walk through it, but my sense of responsibility wins and I do what I'm supposed to.  Maybe that's the problem.  I want to do something irresponsible and unnecessary right now, but don't know what that is either.  Meditations lately are restful but not overly informative.  I'm sleeping so well at night that I only remember bits and pieces of dreams, and even those are gone before I know it.  It's been awhile since anything just resonated and made me sit up and say "wow!".

That is not to say that I'm miserable, or unhappy, or anywhere close.  I'm enjoying my dancing and chatting with friends, spending time with my daughter and son-in-law and gearing up for the holidays.  But I'm like a balloon that's only half filled with air.  I kind of bounce around but I don't fly.  I want something that will make me fly, but have absolutely no idea what that might be.  .

Granted, I am starting to make some more changes in my life, and maybe I'm at that in between, hair is too short to pull back, but too long to hang in my face kind of stage.  I've stepped into the doorway but have yet to start exploring the whole house, and, in fact, I'm a bit nervous about what I'll find, and how it will change me.  I know the changes will be good, but I'm having a tough time letting go of what I know so I am completely free to allow what is to be.  What I lack is Trust. 

On a conscious level, I know that the Universe has my back and the path I've chosen is the right one for me right now.  It's my wimpy little subconscious that is the problem and the darn thing is masking some very important stuff!  I need a feather duster capable of just brushing that subconscious and all of its petty fears out of my way!  To some degree, my subconscious has regressed back to a 5-year-old who is still afraid of the dark and thunder storms. 

So my task for this week is to tell my subconscious to either get on the bullet train or get out of the way because this train stops for nobody, and eats wimps for breakfast!

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for clean laundry.
2. I am grateful for being able to look at a problem and brainstorm solutions.
3. I am grateful for the coming rain.
4. I am grateful for friends who help me pull away from limiting factors.
5. I am grateful for my intelligence.  It may sometimes get me into trouble, but it never gets boring!

Love and light.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

November 13, 2012 A little exhaustion, a bit of ennui

Between the tensions at work over the layoffs and driving home in the dark after work these days, my motor seems to be slowing down earlier and earlier.  On the plus side, I seem to be getting going earlier in the morning because the sun shines down on my face earlier as well. 

Motivating myself to eat healthy meals is getting easier, but motivating myself to get up and exercise is still not happening, except for dancing.  I am managing to do at least part of the exercises for my leg, no thanks to the kitties who think that mom laying on the floor means one of two things:  Time for attention or time to use her as a jungle gym!  Neither of which is conducive to getting my exercises done. 

But as one habit is now deeply ingrained, here I sit, an hour or so earlier than is my norm, diligently writing another post. 

I realized yesterday that I really do have to face reality and know that there are some things I just can't change as they are beyond my control, so the only thing I really can change is whether or not I choose to accept those things I can't change.  I have a lot of soul searching to do in the days ahead as well as a great deal of research in order to come to an intelligent and workable decision.  In the meantime, there are just going to be days I have to slog through, but at least I have dancing to look forward to, Thanksgiving to plan for, my house to clean before the big day, and a wedding vow renewal and party to participate in this weekend.  So my focus until I do reach some kind of decision will be on all of the wonderful people and things in my life!

I am so glad my manicurist has known me for a while and doesn't even flinch when I come up with something many would find weird.  I saw her tonight and told her that I already knew what color I wanted for my nail tips this week, because it had come to me a couple of days ago.  As this has never happened before, she had every right to look at me askance!  But I really did envision my nails in gold this week.  I don't know why other than that gold is a powerful light color like white.  Is there really some significance to the color I chose (or which chose me) this week?  Is it related to the white light I saw while Barb was giving my knee some healing energy?  These questions and more will be explored over the next few days, though it's anyone's guess as to whether answers will follow.  It is just a likely that the exploration will simply raise more questions. 

Never one to shrink from a challenge, I look forward to being able to figure this out, or, that proving fruitless, figure something else out instead.  Either way, I experience that high from having solved another puzzle. 

My mind is wandering all over the place tonight (in case that little fact wasn't already quite obvious) and I'm having a difficult time just grabbing a topic from the maelstrom and pursuing it before 12 more come flying by, turning my brain into a kaleidoscope of madly whirling thoughts and ideas.    Unfortunately, even my rapidly typing fingers are unable to untangle even a marginally coherent version of any of those thoughts enough to put them down on....computer screen.

Now that I've amused the cats by trying to do some of the exercises the physical therapist gave me, maybe the psychedelic brain show will settle down a little; if not enough to get something coherent written here tonight, perhaps at least enough to allow the monkey mind to take a break for sleep.

After hearing that there was an accident on my regular route this morning, I decided to take one of my alternate routes, part of which takes me through an undeveloped and rather wildly beautiful area.  Driving through there this morning, I was very grateful that I'd decided to take that route as the beauty of it really lifted my mood.  I found myself just basking in the beauty of the blue sky, the rolling hills and the dry grass waving as I drove by.  Avoiding the freeway gave me some food for my soul which was especially welcome!  I can see me taking this route more often in the weeks to come as I need additional help in working through ideas, weighing options and reaching decisions.  I have always done better with a little help from nature, so why should this time be any different?

But before I catch another tangent, here are my gratitudes for tonight?
1. I am grateful for roads less traveled.
2. I am grateful for options.
3. I am grateful that, sometimes, I can just step back and laugh at myself.
4. I am grateful for quiet evenings at home with my kitties.
5. I am grateful for opportunities which come flying hard and fast, too quick to dodge, and to insistent to avoid.

Love and light.

Monday, November 12, 2012

November 12, 2012 Surprises!!!

Universal headslaps continue to push me into spreading my wings and stepping out of my comfort zone.  Many little reminders today that I just need to take the first step and the rest will take care of itself, so I stepped onto a new path today.  Stay tuned for how that turns out.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I walked in to my house this evening to find my wonderful, marvelous, amazing son-in-law slaving over a hot stove!  And my sneaky daughter didn't say a thing when I called her on my way home.  Mathom even parked his car around the corner so I wouldn't know he was there until I walked in (now that it gets dark early, I leave a light on when I leave in the morning, so the light from the window didn't clue me in)  We had a very yummy roast turkey breast with mashed potatoes, asparagus, pumpkin soup and homemade rice pudding!  Yummy!  (but I'm going to have to get on these exercises and dance more this week!  That's for sure!)  I am so very blessed to have kids who come up with such wonderful surprises.  And it's barely the beginning of "surprise season" in our neck of the woods, so I suspect that the holidays will be filled with silliness and surprises! 

Lots of tension at the office in light of recent layoffs.  People are really on edge right now and I know I'm being challenged to keep my cool.  I did a good job of it today when one lady didn't like the correction I asked her to make and came into my office to yell at me about it.  I'm proud to say that I remained calm and polite in spite of her rudeness.  I am very proud of myself after the backsliding I did last week, but as with everything else, it's one day at a time.  But I'd much rather be able to pat myself on the back than to once again need to forgive myself for my humanity.  Attaboys are a lot more fun than headslaps!  And heaven knows, the Universe delights in giving me the latter! 

Continuing with the holiday traditions, tonight's is our traditional Jewish Christmas Eve dinner of Chinese food (although this year, after really horrible service at our regular place, we've decided to try some different Asian fare and go out for Japanese food instead!) 

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my crazy, thoughtful kids.
2. I am grateful for peaceful, uneventful days.
3. I am grateful for continued opportunities for change and growth.
4. I am grateful for healing energy.
5. I am grateful for the continued flow of extra income.

Love and light.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

November 11, 2012. Fa la la la la

Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, the grocery stores are working overtime keeping turkeys, hams, cranberries and pumpkins on the shelves and... WHAT???  Lifetime has already started airing its annual Christmas movies!!!  Not that I don't enjoy a few feel good movies but now I feel like I should already have all of my shopping done and ready to wrap. Oh, the stress of it all!    Not really, but a few dramatic, Christmas feel good movies has brought out my melodramatic side.

I'm still struggling with my motivation to get to the gym twice a week. In fact, aside from getting out for a couple of hours to grocery shop and run errands, I've been pretty lazy today in a very cat-like kind of way and the fur balls totally approve. I did manage to get the kitchen straightened up and clean the shmutz off of one of the shelves. I've found that if I clean a shelf or drawer before putting new groceries in every week, I eventually get all of the shelves clean.  Fortunately, the task is not as onerous as painting the Golden Gate Bridge so it  shouldn't take a whole year and have me starting over as soon as I finish!

And it seems that Scooby has started a new pattern with my blog posts. I have Munchkin snuggled up next to me and Toby trying to make biscuits on my belly tonight.   It seems that they want some say as to what I write these days.   In fact, Loki would like to put her two cents in too.

But back to the holidays. I love how the joy and silliness I started when my girls were small is perpetuated by my daughter Heather and is growing in her husband (it still feels weird to call him that, by the way!). The secret telling has begun, our brains are working overtime to come up with surprises that will make each other smile, laugh and even groan. The kids got me good last year so the search is on to even the score. As I type this I look up and see the Prince Charming doll who was addressed to me from my fairy godmother last year.   In fact, as I changed the toilet paper roll today I actually stopped before throwing the empty away as I wondered if I should start saving wrapping material already.   Whatever am I going to come up with to top the last couple of years?  Time to kick the old imagination into high gear!

I like to think that every family has their traditions and each new generation adds to those traditions. But I've found that there are people out there who really don't come up with fun little ideas year after year to make the holidays more joyful. In my myopic and totally human way, I just assumed that other families, no matter how big or small, had unique traditions to make their holidays and the whole year more joyful. Since reality has proven me wrong, I thought that I'd share a few of ours in hopes that others might also share their family traditions as a way to inspire those without fun family traditions.  So here we go with a few of my family traditions.

1.  Every year I buy hard cover books and inscribe a personal message and the year into the front of the book. I started when the girls were very small with children's books like "charlottes web" and in later years, moved on to classics like "20,000 leagues under the sea". A major part of the joy is finding something special for the people I love.
2.  Everyone gets fun, warm pajamas for Christmas.  Lately, we've been leaning towards silly prints and feeties.
3.  Socks and underwear are wrapped in unique ways ( like inside empty wrapping paper, paper towel or toilet paper rolls) and the recipient might find a Ferraro Roche or a Lindt  truffle wrapped inside as well.

I look forward to hearing some of the traditions my readers!

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for family traditions, old, new and yet to be made.
2. I am grateful for lazy catnapping days
3. I am grateful for my family who gives me a reason to perpetuate old and create new traditions
4. I am grateful for the roof over my head, the clothes on my back and the food on my table
5,  I am grateful that I'm able to work, play, dance, run errands and take care of myself and my cats when there are so many out there who can't.

Love and light

November 10, 2012 Opening up to new possibilities

Although I always have someone nearby, tonight is the first time I'm actually writing with a cat in my lap.  Mr. Scoobymas has decided that I need help getting words onto the page tonight, so here he sits with his tush on one arm, pushing his face into the other hand.  I'm sure his influence will positively affect whatever comes out of my fingers tonight.

It was an interesting and productive day today, full of lots of really good feeling moments!  My cleaning and decluttering  continued as I woke fairly early and had time before my massage (more on that later).  Tomorrow I should be able to get the books which are scattered around my office on to a shelf as a result.  I'll then be able to tackle my sadly neglected floors.  What fun!  After my massage I ran some errands, though my quest for the 30 pound turkey was unsuccessful.  But I still have a week or so to achieve the success I (or to be honest, Heather, the turkey piggie) so richly deserve.  Victory will be mine!  I will find the enormous turkey which will have to be hoisted in and out of the pan by two strong men!  Perseverence will conquer all obstacles!

The massage, though, left me with some interesting revelations, not to mention some of the visualizations!  A hippopotamus nose?  Really???  I have had a spot on the right side of my back which, despite efforts from both chiropractor and massage therapist, never seems to untense.  This week, though, it was more than just tense, it was painful and catching.  So I asked my massage therapist to see what she could do.  What a surprise to find that the problem was actually radiating from my hips and legs!  The tightness in my back was, in fact, the symptom, not the cause as I had originally suspected.  Needless to say, I am much more comfortable tonight, despite a tweak to my knee while trying to avoid two women who were taking up more than their share of the dance floor, and happened to have me sandwiched between them!  But all is well tonight, and I'm sure that is in no small part due to the healing energy my knee received today.  As it was being administered, I saw a bright, white light with a lot of smaller lights radiating out from it like slender fingers.  I felt the light flowing into my system where it continued to work its magic.  Even now, if I unfocus my eyes, I can see the light wrapping itself around my knee.  Normally, when I envision healing energy, I see a green light, so this is much more than mere healing, and fits right in with the rune I drew today, "opening". 

I find it interesting that the rune I draw almost always fits right in with what is going on in my life at the time, but this one was uncanny because it fit into what I've been writing about the last couple of days.  I truly am opening myself up to new things and new people.  The divine light which has insinuated itself into my being is just one more step in my process of allowing.  The light serves many functions, but the ones I think are most important right now are to protect me from harm and to cause my own inner light to shine even brighter, the better to attract the wonderful abundance I have already begun to experience. 

When I went dancing tonight, I began to feel more of a connection with the people I see every week.  I can't really explain it well, but I just felt like I was drawing closer to the people I enjoy every week, and that the casual friendships were getting ready to become more.  As people left, a group of us moved closer together, sharing a couple of tables and some conversation.   There was such a rightness to it, even though I was the only one who was not a couple.  I'm sure a large part of that was just the people I was with who are all very warm, giving, loving people.  But there was a different energy for me tonight.  I enjoyed being on the dance floor, but I also felt very warm and happy just sitting there, talking. 

I'm sitting here now, literally scratching my head as I puzzle over the change.  I have to remind myself, as I do while enjoying the meditative state during a massage, or during my regular meditations, to accept the visions and not try to analyze them.  (case in point, the hippo's nose!).  Friendships develop outside of the rules of logic just as the visions appear to me.  Sure, they are there for a reason, but we don't always really need to know what that is.  Better to just accept and enjoy! 

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for friendship.
2. I am grateful for healing energy that is so much more!
3. I am grateful for being able to understand when I'm overanalyzing.
4. I am grateful for the 30 pound turkey (or something close) which I'll find before Thanksgiving.
5. I am grateful for love in all of its many forms.

Love and light.

Friday, November 9, 2012

November 9, 2012 And the wheel turns

This week started out rough and only got rougher as it progressed, but tonight made it all worth it and then some!  Had a quick dinner at Souplantation including a well-deserved dish of chocolate lava cake followed by an amazing performance of Seussical the Musical.  The professionalism this venue exhibits regardless of the show never ceases to amaze me.  And the talented singers, dancers and actors always knock my socks off.  Tonight was no exception, in fact, I think it was the best show I've seen so far!  And some of the performers couldn't have been more than 5 years old!!!  But what stage presence!  What voices!  What talent!!!  And the Cat was an absolute riot!!!  Horton made you laugh, made you cry and made you go "Awwwwww".  The birds fluttered, the monkeys caused mayhem as monkeys do.  I just can't say enough about the performance!  Thank you, High Street Theatre, for keeping the arts alive in Ventura County!!!  You do an amazing job and I, for one, will continue to support and promote you! 

I have to say, I'm as amped up after that performance as I am from a night of dancing, and don't see myself settling down to sleep for quite awhile.  And so, dear readers, brace yourselves for what may be one of my longest posts in awhile! 

Tonight I also congratulate myself for two days of keeping my cool with difficult people and a difficult situation.  For accepting that there are things I can't change, releasing my anger and frustration, and allowing other options to formulate.  I realized this week that it's not only my thoughts that I can manage this way, but also my actions and, even better, my RE actions!  There will always be difficult people in my life, but it's entirely up to me whether or not to allow them to affect my behaviour.

And speaking of difficult people, my wonderful son-in-law rescued my giant soup and potato pot from my darling, but ornery daughter.  When he went to retrieve it, she told him that she'd planned to keep it because she felt I was being petty.  We had a good laugh over that one!  She then offered Mathom her condolences for having to do mine and Heather's "dirty work".  Silly girl!  Mathom and I get along very well, and he loves my daughter to the moon and back!!!  Sadly, he also adores my granddaughter who adores him right back, but he, being the sensible sort he is, won't allow her mother to use her as a pawn, any more than I will.  Only the years ahead will determine how our relationships with Sera will evolve.  I am just very grateful that Jenni's boyfriend is in her life because he really does seem to want what's best for her, and gives her the love, affection and boundaries a real dad should.

That leads me to an interesting thought.  I've heard that the best love is the one with no boundaries, but I disagree.  I think that boundaries are necessary as part of our promise to protect each others' hearts.  Boundaries do not mean that the love isn't unconditional, they simply give us the opportunity to respect aspects of our loved ones which, whether we understand them or not, could prove hurtful if crossed.  Boundaries are understanding that despite the fact that our love binds us together, we are still individuals who need space to be individual.  We are not joined at the hip, nor should we be.  The paths we walk must sometimes be walked on our own, and other times, walked with others; people we love, people who mentor us and people for whom we are the mentor.  As we expand ourselves, we must be prepared to perform many roles because in each is a lesson which moves us further along our path, and sometimes, many lessons.

When my daughter was dating another young man a few years ago, she had to split herself between us because he and I didn't get along all that well, and he resented the attention she paid to anyone but him.  The man she married, on the other hand, is very sensitive to her need for "mom time" and as a result, we tend to include him more often than not, because he is comfortable to be with, has no trouble sharing her and carries no resentment.  He is comfortable with his place in her heart and has no need for her to keep proving it by ignoring others for his sake.  So in some cases, the boundaries may be blurred, but they are still there and must be respected for the love to thrive.  Respect is such a huge part of the equation too.  Sure, the boundaries are there, and it is up to us to be aware of them and appreciate them.  But respecting not only the boundaries but all aspects of another person takes us to a whole new level.

So my new focus will be to be aware of what my boundaries are because I can't expect anyone to respect them if I'm not clear as to what they are.  I am also going to try to be more aware of the boundaries of others, and to respect them as well.  But the other side of that is to be aware of when there are no boundaries, and to allow myself to get closer, and to allow others to do the same.

I will also be focusing more on loving and respecting not only those close to me, but those who are more challenging.  Respecting and loving the ones who are harder to respect and love offers me some really powerful lessons!

Finally, now that I have made a habit of writing in my blog, to the extent that I literally cannot go to sleep without posting at least a few sentences and my five gratitudes, it is time to start working on getting to the gym on a regular basis.  It is time to create another habit!  Wish me luck!

My gratitudes are:.
1. I am grateful for having established a habit which I have now honored religiously for nearly 3 months and over 900 blog hits!  Woo hoo!
2. I am grateful that I have progressed much more quickly than expected after knee surgery.
3. I am grateful for new and exciting opportunities.
4. I am grateful for the chance to establish more habits which will make me a better person and give inspiration to others as well.
5. I am grateful that tomorrow is massage day!

Love and light.