I admit it! I logged in a couple of times just to do a quick check on those messages in the little bubble. You know the ones. They say things like "2" or "25" or, in my case today, "35" and notify you of messages on things you wrote or are following.
I didn't stay long enough to look at all of the wonderful, inspiring things I'm used to seeing every day, but I did log on. In fact, once at about 10:30 last night, because I was afraid a friend might not have seen my off grid message (she did), and once this afternoon.
I can't believe how disconnected I feel!
However, I also didn't spend two hours playing Bubble Genius and blow off the gym! So far, I haven't gotten much done, but at least, I'm not farting around on Facebook, right? And I've been doing a lot of thinking, which really is a good thing!
8:22 PM. I caved. I think it would have been easier if I had some kind of social interaction the day, but going to the gym with headphones in my ears, and one phone call from a friend/client are just not enough for this girl! I guess I lied. I really AM a people person. I'm just picky about who the people are.
However, it was an interesting experiment, and maybe I just need to close it down when I go to bed at night, and not log in until I've accomplished a few tasks each day? I appreciate the fact that I could learn something about my habits and go about making some positive changes, even if they're not as drastic as I had planned. I am seeing, however, that the feeling of being connected or disconnected is largely in my head as I'm not saying much or reading much right now. But just being back is enough for now. Clearly, logging off was, in fact, counterproductive to managing my time (with the single exception of not sitting here all morning and getting to the gym!)
I also realized that I need to go back to my late night writing, and will see if that helps my sleeplessness, crazy dreams and lack of progress. I feel like a scientist, setting up and running experiments, even if mine have a limited population and virtually no controls. :)
If nothing else, I had a day to re-look at some of the things I'm doing, and to realize that I need to re-instill some structure into my days because without a little bit of structure, I'm inclined to just let the day drift by without accomplishing much of what I need to.
At any rate, I believe that I'm guided to do things which may or may not seem logical at the time, but ultimately, they teach me something!
Although the intent of the experiment failed, I truly believe that the experiment itself was a rousing success. Glass half full, I suppose.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for opportunities to test theories and learn new things.
2. I am grateful for turning my brain back to it's happier, more productive self.
3. I am grateful for my supportive, amazing friends, who are there, regardless of how goofy I might be behaving.
4. I am grateful for the constant supervision by my cats. They seem to think I am not safe in a room alone, and that's just fine with me.
5. I am grateful for opportunities to help others, no matter how big or small.
Love and light.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Sunday, March 30, 2014
March 30, 2014 Disconnecting so I can reconnect.
Today, after a bit of emotional upheaval, I decided that I need to disconnect from social media, at least for a few days. (who knows? If I'm enjoying it enough, it might be longer!)
As I tried to meditate, and instead, just did some thinking, I pictured myself completely alone with my thoughts and my writing...and it was good!
I'm finding that my dreams continue to be vivid, and, in some ways, disturbing, but they're making me think. Although I will continue documenting those which remain with me most vividly, I'm switching to doing so in private as what I realize that what might be interesting and thought provoking to me just makes my readers yawn.
Yes, I started this blog for myself, but I have to admit, my ego really likes the strokes it gets when I learn that people are actually reading. As such, I am trying to get away from purely personal, "why would anyone care about that?" kind of writing, and am redirecting my efforts towards things which might, perhaps, generate a few "hmmm's" and "aha's" from my readers.
Like many people out there, I find myself hanging out with our demanding friend, Social Media, far too often, and allow it to feed my procrastination habit. It's not that I'm getting nothing done. But I know I could be a lot more productive if I wasn't poking, chatting, posting my thoughts and playing Bubble Wizard all day. I'm just hoping that the withdrawal symptoms won't be too painful!
Those friends who really need to connect with me can still use those old fashioned mediums known as "the telephone" or "email". I'm not leaving the electronic world entirely, heaven forbid!
In a way, this is an experiment, as it means I won't know what's going on with everyone on a day to day basis. I won't be able to share the joys and sorrows, join circles to send healing energy, or know when someone sets up some sort of impromptu gathering. And as a self-proclaimed hermit, there's a possibility that it will push me further into my cave.
But there's the other possibility that, without so much information input, I will make more effort to make those connections myself. Again, not a bad thing.
The next few days will be interesting, and I will post progress, but only if I believe it warrants sharing. (Things like. "Day 1: I'm fighting the urge to connect with Facebook. Nobody is calling or emailing..." are not going to appear here. Not only is that a given, but it's also not progress.)
I will, however, be interested in seeing how much more work I get done on my book, how much further I get on my copywriting course, and how many times I get to the gym!
But for now, stay tuned as I play my own guinea pig!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the strength and self-knowledge that enable me to detach when I need to.
2. I am grateful for several social engagements (in addition to dancing) which will get me out of my self-imposed hermit-dom in the coming weeks.
3. I am grateful for continuing efforts to improve my social skills.
4. I am grateful for the abundance of love among my friends, and the fact that it is ever-growing, ever-expanding.
5. I am grateful for outlets for my creativity and imagination, both conscious and subconscious.
Love and light.
As I tried to meditate, and instead, just did some thinking, I pictured myself completely alone with my thoughts and my writing...and it was good!
I'm finding that my dreams continue to be vivid, and, in some ways, disturbing, but they're making me think. Although I will continue documenting those which remain with me most vividly, I'm switching to doing so in private as what I realize that what might be interesting and thought provoking to me just makes my readers yawn.
Yes, I started this blog for myself, but I have to admit, my ego really likes the strokes it gets when I learn that people are actually reading. As such, I am trying to get away from purely personal, "why would anyone care about that?" kind of writing, and am redirecting my efforts towards things which might, perhaps, generate a few "hmmm's" and "aha's" from my readers.
Like many people out there, I find myself hanging out with our demanding friend, Social Media, far too often, and allow it to feed my procrastination habit. It's not that I'm getting nothing done. But I know I could be a lot more productive if I wasn't poking, chatting, posting my thoughts and playing Bubble Wizard all day. I'm just hoping that the withdrawal symptoms won't be too painful!
Those friends who really need to connect with me can still use those old fashioned mediums known as "the telephone" or "email". I'm not leaving the electronic world entirely, heaven forbid!
In a way, this is an experiment, as it means I won't know what's going on with everyone on a day to day basis. I won't be able to share the joys and sorrows, join circles to send healing energy, or know when someone sets up some sort of impromptu gathering. And as a self-proclaimed hermit, there's a possibility that it will push me further into my cave.
But there's the other possibility that, without so much information input, I will make more effort to make those connections myself. Again, not a bad thing.
The next few days will be interesting, and I will post progress, but only if I believe it warrants sharing. (Things like. "Day 1: I'm fighting the urge to connect with Facebook. Nobody is calling or emailing..." are not going to appear here. Not only is that a given, but it's also not progress.)
I will, however, be interested in seeing how much more work I get done on my book, how much further I get on my copywriting course, and how many times I get to the gym!
But for now, stay tuned as I play my own guinea pig!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the strength and self-knowledge that enable me to detach when I need to.
2. I am grateful for several social engagements (in addition to dancing) which will get me out of my self-imposed hermit-dom in the coming weeks.
3. I am grateful for continuing efforts to improve my social skills.
4. I am grateful for the abundance of love among my friends, and the fact that it is ever-growing, ever-expanding.
5. I am grateful for outlets for my creativity and imagination, both conscious and subconscious.
Love and light.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
March 29, 2014 The amazing meditations continue!
What can I say? I've apparently found the groove when it comes to mind blowing meditations! The best part is, the love and crazy positive energy is flowing right out into the rest of my life! The last couple of dance nights, I've come home hoarse from talking so much to so many people, yet I've also danced my behind off! How can that be???
I do have to say that spending so much time alone these days really makes me appreciate the time I get to spend with friends a whole lot more! But then, I'm rarely in the presence of cranky people or those who are so busy with their own agenda that they don't treat others as well as they should.
The best thing about going dancing when you're a veritable lightning rod of energy is that the glow you put off attracts more energy! Quite often tonight, I felt the energy from some of the spectators feeding mine and making me burn that much brighter. It's not the same as having that special person watching you while you dance, filling you with love and affection, but it is definitely a close second! I hope that all of the strangers who fed me energy tonight go home feeling just a little happier than they did when they came into the club. Not only that, despite being on the floor for long periods of time, and sweating my brains out, not once did I feel out of breath! It's like my stamina went through the roof with all of the energy it was getting! (wish I could say the same for my feet! They're calling me all sorts of unkind names tonight!)
I did learn, today, that it is a good thing to check in with your chakras periodically. I was experiencing discomfort in my stomach and figured that it had something to do with my solar plexus chakra. Starting with the root chakra, I checked energy and filled each chakra with bright, white light. When I reached the solar plexus, there was a lot of mud and dirt around and inside it. Realizing that it was getting too much help from my root chakra, I backed some of the energy off before cleaning out the debris. Though it was a slow process, it was worth the effort as I then found that it wasn't getting enough support from my heart chakra.
Long story short, by the time I'd cleared and balanced all of my chakras, I found myself, once again, in that elevated vibrational state which radiated pure love and ecstasy. I'm also no longer finding myself nodding off when I meditate, but rather, I've become an active, lucid participant in the process.
I don't really know why things have suddenly changed, but I'm certainly not going to questions something so amazing and energizing. I find myself wanting only to radiate love wherever I go, and that it's easier to turn my negative thoughts quickly, even when faced with people who may have been unkind. I find understanding and compassion are right at my fingertips, and am just a lot more tolerant. If nothing else, this is proving to be an amazing improvement in the person I know as me.
I keep reading and hearing that the way to change the world is to change yourself. I guess it finally sank in, and I'm doing my best to make my contribution.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for positive changes which occur seemingly without my knowledge or input.
2. I am grateful for all of the amazing and wonderful people who are in my life.
3. I am grateful for the abundance we all have at our fingertips, like an enormous meal laid out on a buffet.
4. I am grateful that all we want or need is there, simply for the asking.
5. I am grateful for evolution.
Love and light.
I do have to say that spending so much time alone these days really makes me appreciate the time I get to spend with friends a whole lot more! But then, I'm rarely in the presence of cranky people or those who are so busy with their own agenda that they don't treat others as well as they should.
The best thing about going dancing when you're a veritable lightning rod of energy is that the glow you put off attracts more energy! Quite often tonight, I felt the energy from some of the spectators feeding mine and making me burn that much brighter. It's not the same as having that special person watching you while you dance, filling you with love and affection, but it is definitely a close second! I hope that all of the strangers who fed me energy tonight go home feeling just a little happier than they did when they came into the club. Not only that, despite being on the floor for long periods of time, and sweating my brains out, not once did I feel out of breath! It's like my stamina went through the roof with all of the energy it was getting! (wish I could say the same for my feet! They're calling me all sorts of unkind names tonight!)
I did learn, today, that it is a good thing to check in with your chakras periodically. I was experiencing discomfort in my stomach and figured that it had something to do with my solar plexus chakra. Starting with the root chakra, I checked energy and filled each chakra with bright, white light. When I reached the solar plexus, there was a lot of mud and dirt around and inside it. Realizing that it was getting too much help from my root chakra, I backed some of the energy off before cleaning out the debris. Though it was a slow process, it was worth the effort as I then found that it wasn't getting enough support from my heart chakra.
Long story short, by the time I'd cleared and balanced all of my chakras, I found myself, once again, in that elevated vibrational state which radiated pure love and ecstasy. I'm also no longer finding myself nodding off when I meditate, but rather, I've become an active, lucid participant in the process.
I don't really know why things have suddenly changed, but I'm certainly not going to questions something so amazing and energizing. I find myself wanting only to radiate love wherever I go, and that it's easier to turn my negative thoughts quickly, even when faced with people who may have been unkind. I find understanding and compassion are right at my fingertips, and am just a lot more tolerant. If nothing else, this is proving to be an amazing improvement in the person I know as me.
I keep reading and hearing that the way to change the world is to change yourself. I guess it finally sank in, and I'm doing my best to make my contribution.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for positive changes which occur seemingly without my knowledge or input.
2. I am grateful for all of the amazing and wonderful people who are in my life.
3. I am grateful for the abundance we all have at our fingertips, like an enormous meal laid out on a buffet.
4. I am grateful that all we want or need is there, simply for the asking.
5. I am grateful for evolution.
Love and light.
Friday, March 28, 2014
March 28, 2014 Restless minds sometimes make for amazing meditations!
After studying for several hours, I sat down for my daily meditation, and got a very nice surprise. No, a mind blowing surprise! I discovered that there is at least one level past "joy", and it is "ecstasy", though "bliss" might have been in there somewhere, and another level which sounded like "rapture" might still be to come. For this meditation, I was completely lucid as I saw my Divine self floating above me. But the best was yet to come!
I saw a bright, white light settle into my first chakra, which then began to glow so brightly that it was impossible to look directly at it. The Divine light initiated a vibration in my first chakra which caused the light and the vibration to move up to the second, third, fourth and so on until all were illuminated and vibrating. I was then prompted to hum for a few seconds. I realized that my hum couldn't get close to my actual vibration at this point, but it was necessary to allow myself to be the hum, though at a much higher frequency.
Coming out of the meditation, I felt unspeakable gratitude and the pure joy of having everything I want and need, laid out in front of me like a buffet, for me to pick and choose as I please. I saw myself sending checks to various charitable organizations and designing a house with an interior courtyard which would allow the cats to go outside and play safely.
I felt great love and friendship emanating from all directions, and sent out waves of love and friendship myself.
Later this evening, we had what felt like a very small earthquake here, but was actually a 5.3, centered quite a ways from here. I sure hope my waves of energy didn't get the Earth all excited! :)
Also tonight, I found that I was unable to settle. I tried watching TV but got bored. I tried a meditation, but my mind wanted to make up stories instead. I tried playing a game on my computer, but couldn't focus. And the cats wouldn't let me out of their sight! It's almost like that waiting-for-something-to-happen kind of feeling when you're excited and can't sit still waiting for it to come! (Disneyland syndrome, anyone?)
So after fiddling around, doing this and that for the past 4 or 5 hours, I've come to the conclusion that the only place I belong at this moment is supine, surrounded by my over protective kitties!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for mind blowing meditations.
2. I am grateful for the progress I made on my online course.
3. I am grateful for peace and quiet.
4. I am grateful that I'll be dancing with my friends tomorrow.
5. I am grateful for levels above plain, old, ordinary joy. Who'd have known???
Love and light
I saw a bright, white light settle into my first chakra, which then began to glow so brightly that it was impossible to look directly at it. The Divine light initiated a vibration in my first chakra which caused the light and the vibration to move up to the second, third, fourth and so on until all were illuminated and vibrating. I was then prompted to hum for a few seconds. I realized that my hum couldn't get close to my actual vibration at this point, but it was necessary to allow myself to be the hum, though at a much higher frequency.
Coming out of the meditation, I felt unspeakable gratitude and the pure joy of having everything I want and need, laid out in front of me like a buffet, for me to pick and choose as I please. I saw myself sending checks to various charitable organizations and designing a house with an interior courtyard which would allow the cats to go outside and play safely.
I felt great love and friendship emanating from all directions, and sent out waves of love and friendship myself.
Later this evening, we had what felt like a very small earthquake here, but was actually a 5.3, centered quite a ways from here. I sure hope my waves of energy didn't get the Earth all excited! :)
Also tonight, I found that I was unable to settle. I tried watching TV but got bored. I tried a meditation, but my mind wanted to make up stories instead. I tried playing a game on my computer, but couldn't focus. And the cats wouldn't let me out of their sight! It's almost like that waiting-for-something-to-happen kind of feeling when you're excited and can't sit still waiting for it to come! (Disneyland syndrome, anyone?)
So after fiddling around, doing this and that for the past 4 or 5 hours, I've come to the conclusion that the only place I belong at this moment is supine, surrounded by my over protective kitties!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for mind blowing meditations.
2. I am grateful for the progress I made on my online course.
3. I am grateful for peace and quiet.
4. I am grateful that I'll be dancing with my friends tomorrow.
5. I am grateful for levels above plain, old, ordinary joy. Who'd have known???
Love and light
Thursday, March 27, 2014
March 27, 2014 Is it really all about money?
As I'm working my way through the online copy writing course, and listening to some, supposedly motivational webinars in between, I am really astounded at how often the subject of money is mentioned. It seems that everyone out there believes that the hook they need to reel people in and get them to purchase classes, sessions, recordings, etc., is to promise that their product will enable the reader to make buckets of money.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am more than happy to acquire more of the tool we call "money" because it will let me do that much more of what I love to do, whether it is stuff for my house, or philanthropic activities, or helping my kids. It doesn't matter. Money is a tool that can make stuff happen. (in fact, one of the webinars recommended creating my imaginary "Money Honey". The idea so amused me that I did just that!)
But as far as I'm concerned, it is hardly the ultimate reward. The joy of seeing my name in print, or of having people read what I write, to comment and to think. Those things mean more to me! Tools which enable me to better market my book, to reach more people and bring more enjoyment. That's what's important to me. The fact is, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I'm doing what brings me the most joy, the money will come, but the money is the bonus, not the motivator.
I guess I'm in the minority, though, because everything I have read or listened to in the last few days has a repetitive message about how much money a particular product or service will bring me.
In fact, I listened to part of a webinar with Jack Canfield a month or so ago, and was so turned off by his 30 minutes (of a 90 minute webinar) spent bragging about how many millions he had, the houses he owned, the beautiful trophy wife he had and how much he continued to make...that not only did I stop listening to the webinar, but I vowed to never purchase another of his books. Clearly, those who buy his books, attend his seminars or purchase his motivational crap are nothing but dollar signs to him.
I hope that I never treat anyone like that! Though my current number of readers is relatively small, I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to read what I write. I will continue to appreciate every one who reads my blog, buys my books, visits my web page, or reads something I wrote for someone else. Without you, I'd spend a lot of time just talking to myself, and would have no reason to share my stories.
It seems that people find it easy to lose sight of those who helped them to get where they are, and to acquire all of the stuff they now brag about. Sadly, it negates all of the good they might be doing, as far as I'm concerned.
I know that no matter what happens, I will always have enough. But does that give me the right to lord it over those who don't? Do I really get to tell them "oh, you poor, miserable wretch. I know that you have nothing and are struggling to make ends meet. Just give me some of your hard earned dollars and I'll teach you to be just like me." I don't think so! We all have our challenges and we all have things which motivate us to strive for more, but if all that "more" is is cold, hard cash, it's no wonder the world's economy is in such a mess!
My motivation is to be able to give more back. It's as simple as that. Sure, I'd like to be remembered in a good way, but I don't need to be idolized. Maybe that "more" is simply a smile for someone who might have felt invisible. Maybe it's a dish of food for a hungry dog or cat. I don't know, really. I just want to know in my heart that somewhere, somehow, I made a difference for someone. Not that I made money off of them and turned my back to find the next poor schmuck who I could part from his coin.
The latest course I'm working on would save itself a lot of time and me a lot of reading if it just cut out all of the promises that I can earn "six figures, just like Joe Shmo over there!" Trust me, if that were the only benefit this course offered, I wouldn't have wasted my money!
Give me, instead, some insight into this new world I'm stepping into, and I'll consider the money well spent. Give me the skills to support myself through creativity rather than number crunching, and I'll be thrilled to pieces. Teach me how to catch the eye of prospective customers. Now that's something I can use! But don't insult me by assuming that the only reason I took your course was because you promised me buckets full of money. That's as irresponsible as Canfield's assurance that we can all become wealthy, highly successful writers like him.
When I left my job in December, I took a leap of faith. I felt certain that if I followed my heart and did what I loved, everything would work out perfectly. I didn't need to know how or why, I just needed to believe, and to accept the challenges which were placed before me.
The online copy writing course is, I believe, one of those challenges. It is something I can work at and make my own, and maybe even do a little good somewhere along the line. My joy comes from writing. I write about whatever comes into my head, and when I'm not sure of the details, I do a little net cruising to find the answers. This is what makes me happy. Happy is a higher vibration. That higher vibration does good things for the world. Being able to just keep a handful of small accounting clients while spending the rest of my time writing also makes me happy. So I'm certainly not going to scoff at being compensated for writing. But please, don't even give me your wildest guess as to how much money the time spent finding my joy will bring in because, frankly, you have no freakin' idea!
Anyway, I know that writing will support me because it brings me joy. It raises my vibration and I attract whatever I need. That's all I really need to know!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I'm able to find my joy doing what I love, and know that everything will fall into place exactly as it's supposed to.
2. I am grateful for the people who take the time to read what I write, and even more, to let me know and to share their thoughts.
3. I am grateful that I am motivated by something far more valuable than cash.
4. I am grateful for the love and friendship I've discovered, especially when I come home from a night of dancing and find that my voice is hoarse from all of the time I spent talking to those who share my joy.
5. I am grateful for forgiveness. It opens the heart and frees us. Everyone is put into our lives for a reason. Some of those are meant to teach us something, but it is only by forgiving that we really get the lesson we were meant to learn.
Love and light.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am more than happy to acquire more of the tool we call "money" because it will let me do that much more of what I love to do, whether it is stuff for my house, or philanthropic activities, or helping my kids. It doesn't matter. Money is a tool that can make stuff happen. (in fact, one of the webinars recommended creating my imaginary "Money Honey". The idea so amused me that I did just that!)
But as far as I'm concerned, it is hardly the ultimate reward. The joy of seeing my name in print, or of having people read what I write, to comment and to think. Those things mean more to me! Tools which enable me to better market my book, to reach more people and bring more enjoyment. That's what's important to me. The fact is, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I'm doing what brings me the most joy, the money will come, but the money is the bonus, not the motivator.
I guess I'm in the minority, though, because everything I have read or listened to in the last few days has a repetitive message about how much money a particular product or service will bring me.
In fact, I listened to part of a webinar with Jack Canfield a month or so ago, and was so turned off by his 30 minutes (of a 90 minute webinar) spent bragging about how many millions he had, the houses he owned, the beautiful trophy wife he had and how much he continued to make...that not only did I stop listening to the webinar, but I vowed to never purchase another of his books. Clearly, those who buy his books, attend his seminars or purchase his motivational crap are nothing but dollar signs to him.
I hope that I never treat anyone like that! Though my current number of readers is relatively small, I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to read what I write. I will continue to appreciate every one who reads my blog, buys my books, visits my web page, or reads something I wrote for someone else. Without you, I'd spend a lot of time just talking to myself, and would have no reason to share my stories.
It seems that people find it easy to lose sight of those who helped them to get where they are, and to acquire all of the stuff they now brag about. Sadly, it negates all of the good they might be doing, as far as I'm concerned.
I know that no matter what happens, I will always have enough. But does that give me the right to lord it over those who don't? Do I really get to tell them "oh, you poor, miserable wretch. I know that you have nothing and are struggling to make ends meet. Just give me some of your hard earned dollars and I'll teach you to be just like me." I don't think so! We all have our challenges and we all have things which motivate us to strive for more, but if all that "more" is is cold, hard cash, it's no wonder the world's economy is in such a mess!
My motivation is to be able to give more back. It's as simple as that. Sure, I'd like to be remembered in a good way, but I don't need to be idolized. Maybe that "more" is simply a smile for someone who might have felt invisible. Maybe it's a dish of food for a hungry dog or cat. I don't know, really. I just want to know in my heart that somewhere, somehow, I made a difference for someone. Not that I made money off of them and turned my back to find the next poor schmuck who I could part from his coin.
The latest course I'm working on would save itself a lot of time and me a lot of reading if it just cut out all of the promises that I can earn "six figures, just like Joe Shmo over there!" Trust me, if that were the only benefit this course offered, I wouldn't have wasted my money!
Give me, instead, some insight into this new world I'm stepping into, and I'll consider the money well spent. Give me the skills to support myself through creativity rather than number crunching, and I'll be thrilled to pieces. Teach me how to catch the eye of prospective customers. Now that's something I can use! But don't insult me by assuming that the only reason I took your course was because you promised me buckets full of money. That's as irresponsible as Canfield's assurance that we can all become wealthy, highly successful writers like him.
When I left my job in December, I took a leap of faith. I felt certain that if I followed my heart and did what I loved, everything would work out perfectly. I didn't need to know how or why, I just needed to believe, and to accept the challenges which were placed before me.
The online copy writing course is, I believe, one of those challenges. It is something I can work at and make my own, and maybe even do a little good somewhere along the line. My joy comes from writing. I write about whatever comes into my head, and when I'm not sure of the details, I do a little net cruising to find the answers. This is what makes me happy. Happy is a higher vibration. That higher vibration does good things for the world. Being able to just keep a handful of small accounting clients while spending the rest of my time writing also makes me happy. So I'm certainly not going to scoff at being compensated for writing. But please, don't even give me your wildest guess as to how much money the time spent finding my joy will bring in because, frankly, you have no freakin' idea!
Anyway, I know that writing will support me because it brings me joy. It raises my vibration and I attract whatever I need. That's all I really need to know!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I'm able to find my joy doing what I love, and know that everything will fall into place exactly as it's supposed to.
2. I am grateful for the people who take the time to read what I write, and even more, to let me know and to share their thoughts.
3. I am grateful that I am motivated by something far more valuable than cash.
4. I am grateful for the love and friendship I've discovered, especially when I come home from a night of dancing and find that my voice is hoarse from all of the time I spent talking to those who share my joy.
5. I am grateful for forgiveness. It opens the heart and frees us. Everyone is put into our lives for a reason. Some of those are meant to teach us something, but it is only by forgiving that we really get the lesson we were meant to learn.
Love and light.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
March 26, 2014 Could it be....Poltergeists???
All day yesterday, I would think I was hearing voices, but it always came from whichever part of the house I wasn't in. As I had recently smudged the house with sage, I ruled out anything dark or malicious.
Fast forward to last night. I woke sometime in the very dark hours from a decidedly nasty nightmare. I must point out that it has been quite awhile since I've had a nightmare at all, much less, one like this which made me nervous about going back to sleep.
I moved to the living room, thinking a change of venue might help redirect my subconscious, with my protector, Dylan, hot on my heels. He wasn't about to let me brave this alone, and took up sentry duty on the back of the sofa.
After trying a couple of different positions, I was able to sleep again, and though the dreams bore some similarity to the nightmare, both in location and strangeness, they were basically benign.
The only thing that really makes sense to me is that I fell asleep wrestling with some mixed messages I'd been receiving from my guides, the Universe, or my own, twisted subconscious for the last couple of days. It occurs to me that the dream was a message that I was headed off in the wrong direction. For now, that's how I'm going to play it, and, as I've taken on another project, continuing to chew on that particular issue is easily released.
I also figured out something new today during my daily meditation. For the last week or so, I would "wake" from my meditation, and figure that I was done and go about my business. Today, I stayed put for a little bit, just to see what might happen, and found that I slipped back into the meditative trance for awhile longer. In puzzling over it, I determined that it's a lot like when I go for a massage and my therapist keeps me just this side of asleep. My mind felt me falling past the trance into sleep, and gave me a bit of a jolt, to bring me back to the meditation instead of sleep. I thought it was pretty cool that my mind, or guides or something can do that for me, so I get the full benefit of the meditation instead of just a mid-afternoon nap.
I signed up for a class in copy writing which, if I can turn what I learned into connections who want to buy what I create, will give me a source of income which will not only make me happier, but give me plenty of freedom to finish my current book and start working on the next, while doing all of that marketing stuff I'm learning is absolutely necessary as well. (and might even teach me a thing or three about the marketing in the process!) I'm already finding that it's clearly not a "skate" class and requires a lot of focus and just, plain work. I've also discovered that I can only focus on it for maybe an hour and a half at a time, so I'm not going to get through it in just a few days. This is fine, as I want to actually assimilate what I'm reading and writing. Some of it really sets my teeth on edge as the first example was one of those sales letters which I wouldn't even bother to read past the first sentence or two. I have little patience for things which try to reel people in with assurances that by buying a product they are joining some kind of elite group.
OK, I'm just not into that elitist mentality. But the second example, while completely outside my own experiences, is fun, witty and interesting. I'm guessing that I'll see a mix of things over the next few weeks, and simply gravitate towards the ones which fit my particular style. If nothing else, it's a much more productive use of my time between bouts of editing and bouts of frustration when I just know I can make a particular chapter better, but have to step back from it for a couple of days to figure out just how I'm going to do that!
And, on the big plus side, it means I'm doing more writing, more learning and more reading. All add up to more experience and ideas for doing what makes me happiest anyway.
In a roundabout way, it's simply a manifestation of something I put out to the Universe last week. I asked, and it presented me with an answer. It isn't just handing me things, but, instead it's showing me opportunities to continue improving my craft so that I will ultimately get what I'm asking for.
It's as if I'm traveling a road and am not sure where to go next, but have an image in my mind of where I want to end up. So I ask directions and someone points me to a road that may not even be on the map, but is the best route to the place I'm envisioning. They make it clear that it isn't the smoothest of roads and will require some effort and commitment on my part, but that the rewards will be beyond my imagination. Hell, yes, I'm going to take that road! I never said I was looking for handouts or easy anyway. I want the journey to be as exciting and interesting as I know the destination will be!
So the voices have stopped, but the energy in my house seems to be highly charged right now. The cats are alternately very active, resting for the next adventure, and extremely snuggly. I know they're feeling the charge in the air too, and tend to move closer whenever the charge changes again.
As I continue the practice of sealing my field, I've had to kind of throw the seal out and ask that it mold itself to my field, because, most of the time now, I can't even see where it ends. It certainly fills my whole house, and goes deep beneath it as well. But it extends far beyond my line of sight, both physical and energetic. I can only guess, at this point that my personal. Human Energy Field (HEF for short) is directly connected to the Universal Energy Field (UEF) most of the time. Granted, one could assume that we always are, just by definition, but I have felt that I isolated myself most of the time, putting up a barrier and opening it only when I needed something that wasn't in my own HEF.
But at this point, I'm finding it necessary to maintain that connection and to keep that flow of give and take going pretty much constantly. I'm guessing that's why I feel a buzzing in the air around me all the time now. It will take a little getting used to, but in its own way, it's almost as comforting as my cats' purrs.
All in all, I'm feeling like I really am going in the right direction for me. The only time I had those gut deep responses which alert me to the fact that I'm about to take a wrong turn was when I thought about a seminar I was supposed to go to tonight regarding drawing in more accounting business. Even typing the words makes my stomach roll. Clearly, the energies are against that particular path and know both that I only want to go there as a means to an end, and that where I want to go is diametrically opposite. In fact, those energies have been prodding me for years to stop just approaching my life as a means to an end (and frankly, there's only one guaranteed end, here!), start living it as the exciting, scary, creative, world shaking life I was meant to live!
So hear I am, almost four months into that new life, and I'm still enjoying the heck out of myself! What's so wrong about that?
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my inner compass, even when it kicks me in the chin.
2. I am grateful for opportunities to learn and do new things.
3. I am grateful for the webinar I listened to tonight which taught me to let go of old images of money and embrace a new one with the image of a lover. (I have my girlfriends to thank for what that should look like!)
4. I am grateful for the time and the drive to follow my passion.
5. I am grateful that I'm learning I can have multiple passions, yet be true to them all.
Love and light.
Fast forward to last night. I woke sometime in the very dark hours from a decidedly nasty nightmare. I must point out that it has been quite awhile since I've had a nightmare at all, much less, one like this which made me nervous about going back to sleep.
I moved to the living room, thinking a change of venue might help redirect my subconscious, with my protector, Dylan, hot on my heels. He wasn't about to let me brave this alone, and took up sentry duty on the back of the sofa.
After trying a couple of different positions, I was able to sleep again, and though the dreams bore some similarity to the nightmare, both in location and strangeness, they were basically benign.
The only thing that really makes sense to me is that I fell asleep wrestling with some mixed messages I'd been receiving from my guides, the Universe, or my own, twisted subconscious for the last couple of days. It occurs to me that the dream was a message that I was headed off in the wrong direction. For now, that's how I'm going to play it, and, as I've taken on another project, continuing to chew on that particular issue is easily released.
I also figured out something new today during my daily meditation. For the last week or so, I would "wake" from my meditation, and figure that I was done and go about my business. Today, I stayed put for a little bit, just to see what might happen, and found that I slipped back into the meditative trance for awhile longer. In puzzling over it, I determined that it's a lot like when I go for a massage and my therapist keeps me just this side of asleep. My mind felt me falling past the trance into sleep, and gave me a bit of a jolt, to bring me back to the meditation instead of sleep. I thought it was pretty cool that my mind, or guides or something can do that for me, so I get the full benefit of the meditation instead of just a mid-afternoon nap.
I signed up for a class in copy writing which, if I can turn what I learned into connections who want to buy what I create, will give me a source of income which will not only make me happier, but give me plenty of freedom to finish my current book and start working on the next, while doing all of that marketing stuff I'm learning is absolutely necessary as well. (and might even teach me a thing or three about the marketing in the process!) I'm already finding that it's clearly not a "skate" class and requires a lot of focus and just, plain work. I've also discovered that I can only focus on it for maybe an hour and a half at a time, so I'm not going to get through it in just a few days. This is fine, as I want to actually assimilate what I'm reading and writing. Some of it really sets my teeth on edge as the first example was one of those sales letters which I wouldn't even bother to read past the first sentence or two. I have little patience for things which try to reel people in with assurances that by buying a product they are joining some kind of elite group.
OK, I'm just not into that elitist mentality. But the second example, while completely outside my own experiences, is fun, witty and interesting. I'm guessing that I'll see a mix of things over the next few weeks, and simply gravitate towards the ones which fit my particular style. If nothing else, it's a much more productive use of my time between bouts of editing and bouts of frustration when I just know I can make a particular chapter better, but have to step back from it for a couple of days to figure out just how I'm going to do that!
And, on the big plus side, it means I'm doing more writing, more learning and more reading. All add up to more experience and ideas for doing what makes me happiest anyway.
In a roundabout way, it's simply a manifestation of something I put out to the Universe last week. I asked, and it presented me with an answer. It isn't just handing me things, but, instead it's showing me opportunities to continue improving my craft so that I will ultimately get what I'm asking for.
It's as if I'm traveling a road and am not sure where to go next, but have an image in my mind of where I want to end up. So I ask directions and someone points me to a road that may not even be on the map, but is the best route to the place I'm envisioning. They make it clear that it isn't the smoothest of roads and will require some effort and commitment on my part, but that the rewards will be beyond my imagination. Hell, yes, I'm going to take that road! I never said I was looking for handouts or easy anyway. I want the journey to be as exciting and interesting as I know the destination will be!
So the voices have stopped, but the energy in my house seems to be highly charged right now. The cats are alternately very active, resting for the next adventure, and extremely snuggly. I know they're feeling the charge in the air too, and tend to move closer whenever the charge changes again.
As I continue the practice of sealing my field, I've had to kind of throw the seal out and ask that it mold itself to my field, because, most of the time now, I can't even see where it ends. It certainly fills my whole house, and goes deep beneath it as well. But it extends far beyond my line of sight, both physical and energetic. I can only guess, at this point that my personal. Human Energy Field (HEF for short) is directly connected to the Universal Energy Field (UEF) most of the time. Granted, one could assume that we always are, just by definition, but I have felt that I isolated myself most of the time, putting up a barrier and opening it only when I needed something that wasn't in my own HEF.
But at this point, I'm finding it necessary to maintain that connection and to keep that flow of give and take going pretty much constantly. I'm guessing that's why I feel a buzzing in the air around me all the time now. It will take a little getting used to, but in its own way, it's almost as comforting as my cats' purrs.
All in all, I'm feeling like I really am going in the right direction for me. The only time I had those gut deep responses which alert me to the fact that I'm about to take a wrong turn was when I thought about a seminar I was supposed to go to tonight regarding drawing in more accounting business. Even typing the words makes my stomach roll. Clearly, the energies are against that particular path and know both that I only want to go there as a means to an end, and that where I want to go is diametrically opposite. In fact, those energies have been prodding me for years to stop just approaching my life as a means to an end (and frankly, there's only one guaranteed end, here!), start living it as the exciting, scary, creative, world shaking life I was meant to live!
So hear I am, almost four months into that new life, and I'm still enjoying the heck out of myself! What's so wrong about that?
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my inner compass, even when it kicks me in the chin.
2. I am grateful for opportunities to learn and do new things.
3. I am grateful for the webinar I listened to tonight which taught me to let go of old images of money and embrace a new one with the image of a lover. (I have my girlfriends to thank for what that should look like!)
4. I am grateful for the time and the drive to follow my passion.
5. I am grateful that I'm learning I can have multiple passions, yet be true to them all.
Love and light.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
March 25, 2014 Yet another twist on the windy road of my journey
I have asked the Universe for a few more things over the last week or so, and, of course, instead of direct answers, it sends me more questions, and suggestions and opens new roads. It's a lot like having a conversation with Confucius where you get information, but must work out the final answer for yourself. I suppose the proverb for this would be something like: "If you continually spoon feed a child, you will end with an entitled adult."
As I've never been entitled, I'm getting my information the old fashioned way: in doses which require me to engage my brain and figure out what I'm being guided to do!
In this case, it was two-fold. First, I signed up for a course in copy writing and how to actually make it pay. But signing up for the course also guided me to send a message to my marketing guru/cheerleader/friend from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back to get her advice on the value of this slight veer in my path. What I got was a whole lot more than I'd bargained for, a delightful 2 hour conversation about so many things, and more information for me to chew on until I figure it out!
It seems that the whole purpose of this particular day was to give me things to think about which I will ultimately act upon, and which, eventually, will take me further along the path to my passion. (or, as I'm quickly discovering, multiple passions. You really can't have just one!)
As I anxiously await validation on the site which has the copy writing course, I find myself dipping my toe into various puddles, seeking more knowledge, guidance, opinions and ideas. As it has been for most of my life, and especially, since December 7, 2013 ( a day that will live on as the first day of my new life), the more I learn, the more I realize I need to learn! It's a little like editing my novel. The more I go back, re-read and edit, the more I could go back, re-read and edit, but if I keep doing that, the darn thing will be 1,000,000 words long and it will be more like the Never Ending Story, so I am trying very hard to make myself keep pressing forward, or as one of my newer friends would say "KIMF, Keep it moving forward". Excellent advice, really!
Through it all, Dylan is my shadow, following me from room to room, purring me to sleep at night and including himself in my daily meditations. In some ways, he is my muse, if only because I know that I'm never completely alone. Someone is always here beside me, encouraging me to do what I love. While the other cats snooze on the bed, occasionally wandering in with a head bump or paws on my leg to let me know they need a skritch, Dylan is a trooper. He truly is following me through this journey and will deserve a bucketful of his favorite treats when my book is finally in the hands of the public!
Messages concerning my writing career aren't the only ones which are coming to me in the midst of confusion. I've been getting images of individuals who I don't see as part of my life causing me to move closer to hear their words, or in rooms with doors which I am unable to close to keep them out. The message I'm getting seems to be that while my conscious self doesn't see that they have a place in my life other than from a distance, or as someone purely superficial, the Universe seems to think they do have a place, but it's up to me to figure out what that might be.
So, tonight, I have lots of things to ponder, but I don't expect to have all of the answers. Some may come in the next few days, but some are clearly meant to come in the form of an AHA moment somewhere in the foggy future. Meanwhile, I'll keep busy, painting pretty word pictures for my future readers, and walking through latest doors which have opened, inviting me to explore new frontiers.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the people who believe in me, encourage me and add fuel to the fire of my passions.
2. I am grateful for new ideas and twists on old ones.
3. I am grateful for opportunities to explore and learn new places and things.
4. I am grateful that I am comfortable spending a lot of time in my own company.
5. I am grateful that, as difficult as it might be at times, I'm given opportunities to step ever further outside of my comfort zone.
Love and light.
As I've never been entitled, I'm getting my information the old fashioned way: in doses which require me to engage my brain and figure out what I'm being guided to do!
In this case, it was two-fold. First, I signed up for a course in copy writing and how to actually make it pay. But signing up for the course also guided me to send a message to my marketing guru/cheerleader/friend from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back to get her advice on the value of this slight veer in my path. What I got was a whole lot more than I'd bargained for, a delightful 2 hour conversation about so many things, and more information for me to chew on until I figure it out!
It seems that the whole purpose of this particular day was to give me things to think about which I will ultimately act upon, and which, eventually, will take me further along the path to my passion. (or, as I'm quickly discovering, multiple passions. You really can't have just one!)
As I anxiously await validation on the site which has the copy writing course, I find myself dipping my toe into various puddles, seeking more knowledge, guidance, opinions and ideas. As it has been for most of my life, and especially, since December 7, 2013 ( a day that will live on as the first day of my new life), the more I learn, the more I realize I need to learn! It's a little like editing my novel. The more I go back, re-read and edit, the more I could go back, re-read and edit, but if I keep doing that, the darn thing will be 1,000,000 words long and it will be more like the Never Ending Story, so I am trying very hard to make myself keep pressing forward, or as one of my newer friends would say "KIMF, Keep it moving forward". Excellent advice, really!
Through it all, Dylan is my shadow, following me from room to room, purring me to sleep at night and including himself in my daily meditations. In some ways, he is my muse, if only because I know that I'm never completely alone. Someone is always here beside me, encouraging me to do what I love. While the other cats snooze on the bed, occasionally wandering in with a head bump or paws on my leg to let me know they need a skritch, Dylan is a trooper. He truly is following me through this journey and will deserve a bucketful of his favorite treats when my book is finally in the hands of the public!
Messages concerning my writing career aren't the only ones which are coming to me in the midst of confusion. I've been getting images of individuals who I don't see as part of my life causing me to move closer to hear their words, or in rooms with doors which I am unable to close to keep them out. The message I'm getting seems to be that while my conscious self doesn't see that they have a place in my life other than from a distance, or as someone purely superficial, the Universe seems to think they do have a place, but it's up to me to figure out what that might be.
So, tonight, I have lots of things to ponder, but I don't expect to have all of the answers. Some may come in the next few days, but some are clearly meant to come in the form of an AHA moment somewhere in the foggy future. Meanwhile, I'll keep busy, painting pretty word pictures for my future readers, and walking through latest doors which have opened, inviting me to explore new frontiers.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the people who believe in me, encourage me and add fuel to the fire of my passions.
2. I am grateful for new ideas and twists on old ones.
3. I am grateful for opportunities to explore and learn new places and things.
4. I am grateful that I am comfortable spending a lot of time in my own company.
5. I am grateful that, as difficult as it might be at times, I'm given opportunities to step ever further outside of my comfort zone.
Love and light.
Monday, March 24, 2014
March 24, 2014 Using positive energy positively
Yesterday, I made the declaration that this was going to be an awesome week. That's it. I just declared it to be so.
Today, I woke up feeling good, though I stayed in bed longer than I should have because Toby was being a brat (again). But as this is going to be an awesome week, I got up, got my pre-gym yogurt and coffee and got moving. Then I tried an experiment.
Walking into the gym, I allowed myself to be in complete joy, letting it radiate out from me in all directions. First of all, I felt great, and walked upright, exhibiting complete confidence, regardless of unflattering (but comfy!) gym wear and a body which, by gym rat standards, is far from perfect. But for me, it is the perfect body and, like everything else in my life, is simply a work in process as I embrace my Divinity while having a Human Experience.
I also noticed that a lot of people made eye contact and smiled (something which never happened before because I go to the gym and stay in my own space, mentally, physically and energetically). I also noticed that there were a few double takes which I took to be from people who were more sensitive energetically and must have been seeing how my energetic self was radiating.
But even more interesting was the fact that, aside from one mishap when I used the wrong muscles and cramped up my trapezius muscles for a few seconds, I felt like I was in complete accord with my body and that I had the best workout I'd ever had! (I must have, as my shirt was soaked in places it usually doesn't get sweaty!).
The moral of this story is, for a great workout, go in with an attitude of gratitude and joy, radiating confidence and loving your body, no matter what shape it's in!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for new discoveries.
2. I am grateful for a joyous attitude.
3. I am grateful to be fitting into smaller clothes.
4. I am grateful to be feeling simply splendid, and to be able to share it with anyone I come into contact with.
5. I am grateful to be returning to my gym routine which was put on hold while I was busy hacking up a lung and snorting out gallons of bodily fluids.
Love and light.
Today, I woke up feeling good, though I stayed in bed longer than I should have because Toby was being a brat (again). But as this is going to be an awesome week, I got up, got my pre-gym yogurt and coffee and got moving. Then I tried an experiment.
Walking into the gym, I allowed myself to be in complete joy, letting it radiate out from me in all directions. First of all, I felt great, and walked upright, exhibiting complete confidence, regardless of unflattering (but comfy!) gym wear and a body which, by gym rat standards, is far from perfect. But for me, it is the perfect body and, like everything else in my life, is simply a work in process as I embrace my Divinity while having a Human Experience.
I also noticed that a lot of people made eye contact and smiled (something which never happened before because I go to the gym and stay in my own space, mentally, physically and energetically). I also noticed that there were a few double takes which I took to be from people who were more sensitive energetically and must have been seeing how my energetic self was radiating.
But even more interesting was the fact that, aside from one mishap when I used the wrong muscles and cramped up my trapezius muscles for a few seconds, I felt like I was in complete accord with my body and that I had the best workout I'd ever had! (I must have, as my shirt was soaked in places it usually doesn't get sweaty!).
The moral of this story is, for a great workout, go in with an attitude of gratitude and joy, radiating confidence and loving your body, no matter what shape it's in!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for new discoveries.
2. I am grateful for a joyous attitude.
3. I am grateful to be fitting into smaller clothes.
4. I am grateful to be feeling simply splendid, and to be able to share it with anyone I come into contact with.
5. I am grateful to be returning to my gym routine which was put on hold while I was busy hacking up a lung and snorting out gallons of bodily fluids.
Love and light.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
March 23, 2014 Respect: It's all about establishing (and maintaining) your boundaries.
Recent events have me, once more, thinking about respect. Whether it's clear or not, respect is earned. There's a huge difference between treating someone with respect and giving them your respect. As a rule, I make every effort to treat people respectfully, (and in fact, go out of my way to do so when it's someone I don't respect or like), but, like trust, the number to whom I give my respect is a great deal smaller.
But respect doesn't begin with everyone else out there. It begins with you. I believe that, like love, if you don't respect yourself, you won't really respect others. In order to respect yourself, you have to, consciously or no, set boundaries. Many of these boundaries involve how you will allow others to treat you. I have known a number of people who were "pleasers". They put their own wants and needs behind everyone else's. The result? They became doormats. Doormats are not people we respect. They are people, depending upon our own nature, who we either use ourselves or watch others using and wonder why they don't stand up for themselves.
To some, setting boundaries just doesn't make sense to them. They think it's being hard to get along with or mean. But let me give you an example. Awhile back, a friend of mine was getting very frustrated with the behavior of her mother-in-law. She took the behavior for a long time in what she felt was the interests of keeping peace. But ultimately, she had enough (note, this friend is anything but a doormat as a rule!), and set a boundary for her mother-in-law. The result? Life got much better, and, at least from where I sat, it seemed that her mother-in-law respected her more for taking a stand. The truth is, we don't outgrow our need for boundaries.
Children push the envelope all the time, until you let them know where those boundaries end. They respect that, and more. they feel loved that we would make the effort to establish and maintain boundaries for them. It also teaches them, not only that they can bend without breaking, but that, as they grow older, they must set their own boundaries too.
But the other side of setting those boundaries is in maintaining them. The truth is, just because you set it, doesn't mean people will respect it, unless you stick to your guns. Recent experience has taught me that there are those individuals who are so oblivious, self-involved or unable to respect others (much less, themselves) that they will ignore, and even plow through someone else's boundaries, no matter how firmly set. When I experienced this a few months ago, it required setting firmer and firmer boundaries until, as a last resort, the final boundary was simply a closed door. I am completely convinced that people who cannot or will not respect my boundaries do not belong in my life. And I would probably not be happy about it, but if I continually failed to respect someone else's boundaries, I would respect their right to close me out as well.
Setting boundaries seems to be an ongoing process in life, or so I'm discovering. We continue to encounter "opportunities" to set new boundaries, and often have to use trial and error to find what works for a particular situation.
Recent events have taught me that the boundary I set for a group of people might well be respected by some and not by others. The gracious and respectful person might say "I am not really happy about this, but I understand and will respect your wishes." This person will probably see my boundaries lessened as time goes on, because they, themselves have both shown me respect and earned mine as well.
Others, I have found, might react in a different fashion. Perhaps they think "Oh, she doesn't really mean it! Let me see how much I can get away with first!" Or worse, "That couldn't possibly apply to me! Besides, she's just a silly girl! She can hardly be expected to know what she wants!"
These folks will likely see my walls go up, and if they persist in their efforts to ignore my boundaries, will eventually see the closed door I referred to earlier. But lest I sound cold hearted and unforgiving, I must add that I pity those who can't respect the boundaries of others. They are living in a world where they believe they are the center of the universe and that only they deserve to be respected. Frankly, I'd find the place where they dwell to be lonely and cold. They'll never understand that the setting and respecting of boundaries is the highest form of love. And they certainly won't earn the respect of others. Sure, they'll assume they have, but we all know about "assume"!
Love. Respect. Trust. Small words which, at least for me, carry huge meanings, and huge responsibilities. Not everyone can or even wishes to take them on, but for those of us who do, the rewards are infinite!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for friends who treat my boundaries with respect and understanding rather than as a personal slap in the face.
2. I am grateful for lessons which teach me to be respectful of my own boundaries.
3. I am grateful the abundance in my life, and the many ways in which it is unfolding.
4. I am grateful for reminders that, in spite of outside events, my inside thoughts and beliefs can still remain positive. (OK, so I'm using a lot of that imaginary heart shaped confetti these days, but whatever works!)
5. I am grateful for quiet, lazy Sundays with just my cats and a cool breeze blowing through the tree outside my office window.
Love and light (and Respect!)
But respect doesn't begin with everyone else out there. It begins with you. I believe that, like love, if you don't respect yourself, you won't really respect others. In order to respect yourself, you have to, consciously or no, set boundaries. Many of these boundaries involve how you will allow others to treat you. I have known a number of people who were "pleasers". They put their own wants and needs behind everyone else's. The result? They became doormats. Doormats are not people we respect. They are people, depending upon our own nature, who we either use ourselves or watch others using and wonder why they don't stand up for themselves.
To some, setting boundaries just doesn't make sense to them. They think it's being hard to get along with or mean. But let me give you an example. Awhile back, a friend of mine was getting very frustrated with the behavior of her mother-in-law. She took the behavior for a long time in what she felt was the interests of keeping peace. But ultimately, she had enough (note, this friend is anything but a doormat as a rule!), and set a boundary for her mother-in-law. The result? Life got much better, and, at least from where I sat, it seemed that her mother-in-law respected her more for taking a stand. The truth is, we don't outgrow our need for boundaries.
Children push the envelope all the time, until you let them know where those boundaries end. They respect that, and more. they feel loved that we would make the effort to establish and maintain boundaries for them. It also teaches them, not only that they can bend without breaking, but that, as they grow older, they must set their own boundaries too.
But the other side of setting those boundaries is in maintaining them. The truth is, just because you set it, doesn't mean people will respect it, unless you stick to your guns. Recent experience has taught me that there are those individuals who are so oblivious, self-involved or unable to respect others (much less, themselves) that they will ignore, and even plow through someone else's boundaries, no matter how firmly set. When I experienced this a few months ago, it required setting firmer and firmer boundaries until, as a last resort, the final boundary was simply a closed door. I am completely convinced that people who cannot or will not respect my boundaries do not belong in my life. And I would probably not be happy about it, but if I continually failed to respect someone else's boundaries, I would respect their right to close me out as well.
Setting boundaries seems to be an ongoing process in life, or so I'm discovering. We continue to encounter "opportunities" to set new boundaries, and often have to use trial and error to find what works for a particular situation.
Recent events have taught me that the boundary I set for a group of people might well be respected by some and not by others. The gracious and respectful person might say "I am not really happy about this, but I understand and will respect your wishes." This person will probably see my boundaries lessened as time goes on, because they, themselves have both shown me respect and earned mine as well.
Others, I have found, might react in a different fashion. Perhaps they think "Oh, she doesn't really mean it! Let me see how much I can get away with first!" Or worse, "That couldn't possibly apply to me! Besides, she's just a silly girl! She can hardly be expected to know what she wants!"
These folks will likely see my walls go up, and if they persist in their efforts to ignore my boundaries, will eventually see the closed door I referred to earlier. But lest I sound cold hearted and unforgiving, I must add that I pity those who can't respect the boundaries of others. They are living in a world where they believe they are the center of the universe and that only they deserve to be respected. Frankly, I'd find the place where they dwell to be lonely and cold. They'll never understand that the setting and respecting of boundaries is the highest form of love. And they certainly won't earn the respect of others. Sure, they'll assume they have, but we all know about "assume"!
Love. Respect. Trust. Small words which, at least for me, carry huge meanings, and huge responsibilities. Not everyone can or even wishes to take them on, but for those of us who do, the rewards are infinite!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for friends who treat my boundaries with respect and understanding rather than as a personal slap in the face.
2. I am grateful for lessons which teach me to be respectful of my own boundaries.
3. I am grateful the abundance in my life, and the many ways in which it is unfolding.
4. I am grateful for reminders that, in spite of outside events, my inside thoughts and beliefs can still remain positive. (OK, so I'm using a lot of that imaginary heart shaped confetti these days, but whatever works!)
5. I am grateful for quiet, lazy Sundays with just my cats and a cool breeze blowing through the tree outside my office window.
Love and light (and Respect!)
Saturday, March 22, 2014
March 22, 2014 Decluttering the house leads to opening the mind even further. Who'd have thunk it?
Yesterday afternoon, I did a little decluttering. I put the books from my recently completed A.R.T. Healing class on the bookshelf and gathered the various books on Kabbalah, Psychic Self and such from the living room to shelve them as well. In the process, I crossed paths with the shelf above my monitor which holds a variety of things connected with psychic development and self improvement, as well as my ever growing collection of Tarot decks. What I have taken to referring to as my "Spiritual Shelf". Though it is now full to overflowing and, in fact, many of my books have now found their way to other shelves in my library, this is where my journey really began. Though it isn't visible in the picture, there's a whole second layer behind what you see, as the shelf is fairly deep.But I digress. In the process of putting things away, a phenomenon which has repeated itself frequently in recent months occurred. I noticed my copy of "The Secret" and suddenly had a driving need to re-read it. So on a Friday night when many of my friends were out dancing or otherwise being social (and, I might add, recovering from a work week which is no longer part of my lifestyle), I curled up on the sofa with Toby in my lap, snoring softly, and Dylan beside me, purring loudly, and read the first 158 pages of the book.
What an eye opener that was! I had no idea how much the last nine months had changed me until I realized how much of the book had become so much clearer to me! The first few times I read it, I accepted the fact that we are all made up of energy, as is everything around us, but I didn't feel it. But after spending the better part of a year actually working with my energy body on a daily basis, I seriously lit up that giant lightbulb we all have above our heads, just waiting for us to start experiencing those "Aha!" moments.
But it wasn't just a single concept which suddenly became clearer to me. The idea of manifestation is right before my eyes! Haven't I taken that leap of faith, knowing that the Universe will align things perfectly, and I have only to act upon what I'm offered? Haven't I been overriding my feelings of trepidation with affirmations that I know everything is in alignment and occurring exactly in the time and space it is supposed to. Haven't random checks appeared in my mail box already? Haven't I been presented with someone who can design my business cards? Don't I get things in email almost daily which help me to continue moving forward?
In short, I've truly experienced the fact that intentions are energy and energy creates action! As my A.R.T. teacher told us repeatedly, and a statement which is reiterated in different words in "The Secret", we must set those intentions with broad strokes, not concerning ourselves with either the details nor the "hows". When we let the Universe (or whatever you prefer to call it) fill in the blanks for us, what we receive is always far better than what we originally envisioned.
Even more important, and something I practice every day, and especially, in this blog, is to be grateful. Grateful not only for those intentions becoming reality, but for every, single small thing.
When I drive down the freeway and am signalling to change lanes, and someone lets me in, I say a loud "Thank you!". When I get green lights all the way down one of the major streets in town, I say another loud "Thank you!". When I wake up and just leap out of bed, full of joy to face the new day, I say another "Thank you!". And so it goes. The gratitudes I post here aren't always something big. More often, they're small things. But don't a lot of small things add up to one big one? So if I post gratitudes for 5 small things, aren't I really opening the door for a bigger one? And if, every day, I post 5 gratitudes for small things, by the end of the week, haven't I opened the door even wider for something really big to just saunter on through? (and frankly, the 5 things I post here are only the tip of the iceberg of the gratitude I express every day!)
Sure, I've rambled on and on about gratitude here on numerous occasions, but re-reading "The Secret" last night made me reflect back upon just the last year or so, and what I saw during those reflections simply astounded me!
My circle of friends is growing. My love of myself is growing. My life is virtually stress free most of the time. I notice small improvements all the time. I have over 77,000 words of a novel written, and am working towards completion of the editing process by the end of April (how's that for setting an intention?). I was guided to contact a Marketing expert while still in the editing process, and keep a file with her guidance open all of the time, referring to it, while thinking about what/where I want/to go. (In fact, as I was trying to fall asleep last night with Dylan purring around my head, I started mentally writing the dedication for my novel!) I have a couple of accounting clients who keep my mind sharp and a little extra money coming in. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.
While reading last night, I set a few more intentions. I'm going to try to do as the book suggested, and not continue to send out the same intention, nor to dwell on the ones I sent out. Instead, I will simply make sure that I'm grateful for every little thing (like an unexpected breakfast date with my daughter today), and just love the life I'm living.
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for Divine Guidance.
2. I am grateful for all of the people (both human and otherwise) who are part of this new life I am constantly creating (with a little help from the Universe), and who are making my life fuller and more meaningful.
3. I am grateful for quiet nights of reflection.
4. I am grateful for crazy, dance-filled nights with my girl friends and their wonderful hubbies.
5. I am grateful for beautiful Spring days that put buds on my plum tree and birds in the tree outside my office for the kitties to watch, hungrily.
Love and light. (to Infinity and Beyond!)
Friday, March 21, 2014
March 21, 2014 Putting stuff behind me
We all have good weeks and bad weeks, and everything in between. I've learned that it isn't so much how good or bad things were, but how you handled them.
I can't say that I've handled this one in the best possible fashion, but I did get a few things done, a lot of rest, and a great deal of cuddle time with my grieving kitties.
Starting the week by losing my sweet, almost 11 year old boy, Scooby was dreadful. Even worse, because he was my daughter's cat who she'd left with me when she moved out with her now husband because he was older and so bonded to Munchkin. Even though I'd had him at the vet several times in the last year because his behavior indicated that something might be wrong, the tests the vet ran didn't detect the problem until it was too late. It's taking everything I have in me to keep from overreacting to things the other cats do.
For a couple of days, Dylan (not Munchkin, to my surprise) was moping around the house, clearly not his normal self. When I brought Scooby home from the vet on Monday night after receiving the awful diagnosis, he chose to lay on the floor rather than the bed, and Dylan lay beside him, offering comfort. By morning, when the mass in his small intestine had, apparently ruptured, effectively poisoning him, Dylan wasn't on my bed where he'd normally sleep.
When we came home on Tuesday without Scooby, both Heather and I a complete wreck, Dylan wasn't comforting me as he normally would, but Heather, instead. For the next couple of days, he was lethargic and distant until Heather came over again. He gave her some more love, and she pointed out that he was reacting to my sadness too. Ever since, I've done my best to pay special attention to him, and he's returned to his normal self, but more so. He's talking to me and sticking by me again, even when he got locked in my room until almost 11 this morning with no food. Unfortunately, he then ate too fast and it came right back up. (as I type this, he just wandered in and rubbed against my leg before taking up his usual place on my desk.) So of course, because one of Scooby's symptoms was vomiting, I'm having to make myself relax, not overreact, and just promise myself that I'll keep an eye on him for the next few days.
As if loosing my sweet, loving, always entertaining, almost 11 year old boy wasn't enough to throw the week into a tailspin, I came down with an ugly head cold which seems, today, to have migrated to my chest, but I'm getting lots of rest and pushing the orange juice and vitamin C, and thankfully, I am feeling much better today than I have in the last few.
If' I'm to be honest, I believe that part of the cause of my health issue stems from some ugliness I experienced a week or so ago. I found that the old saying, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" can also be turned so that our good intentions can sometimes come back and bite us in the ass. I allowed someone to move into my house temporarily. She asked for three months, I offered one. It's been longer than that now, and she's really only using my front bedroom as storage while she stays somewhere else, which is fine, but when drama attached to her situation started affecting me in the form of lies I am being told which I can't untwist or expose, it was time to clear my home.
Thankfully, she is being respectful of the time I gave her, and moving things a week before my deadline, so I have to give her credit, though, I can no longer give her trust because, frankly, I don't know which of them is telling me the truth, and I don't really feel the need to let myself get sucked any further into a drama not of my own making.
At any rate, my house is now clear, I'm feeling much better and haven't needed to take any medications today (though my abs still feel like I went on a crunch marathon!). After her stuff was gone, I smudged the house and, whether real or imagined, I feel as if my life is returning to it's normal, productive state.
That isn't to say that the week was a total bust. I kept my promise to update a client's books, albeit a couple of days later than planned, got a couple of blog posts written, and even managed to knock a few things off of my to do list. I'm especially proud of the fact that, except for the day we lost Scooby, I made my bed every day (which, for me, is really a good thing after many years of being a slob!).
Hopefully, after today, I'll also be able to return to posting things which might be more useful to others, and less self-involved as I've been lately. For those who are still reading, thank you for bearing with me while I slogged my way through this temporary quagmire.
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the clearing of my home.
2. I am grateful for my health which is getting better every day.
3. I am grateful for all of the kitty love I am blessed to receive.
4. I am grateful for chicken soup and orange juice.
5. I am grateful for understanding. We all need to give more so that everyone receives more.
Love and light.
I can't say that I've handled this one in the best possible fashion, but I did get a few things done, a lot of rest, and a great deal of cuddle time with my grieving kitties.
Starting the week by losing my sweet, almost 11 year old boy, Scooby was dreadful. Even worse, because he was my daughter's cat who she'd left with me when she moved out with her now husband because he was older and so bonded to Munchkin. Even though I'd had him at the vet several times in the last year because his behavior indicated that something might be wrong, the tests the vet ran didn't detect the problem until it was too late. It's taking everything I have in me to keep from overreacting to things the other cats do.
For a couple of days, Dylan (not Munchkin, to my surprise) was moping around the house, clearly not his normal self. When I brought Scooby home from the vet on Monday night after receiving the awful diagnosis, he chose to lay on the floor rather than the bed, and Dylan lay beside him, offering comfort. By morning, when the mass in his small intestine had, apparently ruptured, effectively poisoning him, Dylan wasn't on my bed where he'd normally sleep.
When we came home on Tuesday without Scooby, both Heather and I a complete wreck, Dylan wasn't comforting me as he normally would, but Heather, instead. For the next couple of days, he was lethargic and distant until Heather came over again. He gave her some more love, and she pointed out that he was reacting to my sadness too. Ever since, I've done my best to pay special attention to him, and he's returned to his normal self, but more so. He's talking to me and sticking by me again, even when he got locked in my room until almost 11 this morning with no food. Unfortunately, he then ate too fast and it came right back up. (as I type this, he just wandered in and rubbed against my leg before taking up his usual place on my desk.) So of course, because one of Scooby's symptoms was vomiting, I'm having to make myself relax, not overreact, and just promise myself that I'll keep an eye on him for the next few days.
As if loosing my sweet, loving, always entertaining, almost 11 year old boy wasn't enough to throw the week into a tailspin, I came down with an ugly head cold which seems, today, to have migrated to my chest, but I'm getting lots of rest and pushing the orange juice and vitamin C, and thankfully, I am feeling much better today than I have in the last few.
If' I'm to be honest, I believe that part of the cause of my health issue stems from some ugliness I experienced a week or so ago. I found that the old saying, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" can also be turned so that our good intentions can sometimes come back and bite us in the ass. I allowed someone to move into my house temporarily. She asked for three months, I offered one. It's been longer than that now, and she's really only using my front bedroom as storage while she stays somewhere else, which is fine, but when drama attached to her situation started affecting me in the form of lies I am being told which I can't untwist or expose, it was time to clear my home.
Thankfully, she is being respectful of the time I gave her, and moving things a week before my deadline, so I have to give her credit, though, I can no longer give her trust because, frankly, I don't know which of them is telling me the truth, and I don't really feel the need to let myself get sucked any further into a drama not of my own making.
At any rate, my house is now clear, I'm feeling much better and haven't needed to take any medications today (though my abs still feel like I went on a crunch marathon!). After her stuff was gone, I smudged the house and, whether real or imagined, I feel as if my life is returning to it's normal, productive state.
That isn't to say that the week was a total bust. I kept my promise to update a client's books, albeit a couple of days later than planned, got a couple of blog posts written, and even managed to knock a few things off of my to do list. I'm especially proud of the fact that, except for the day we lost Scooby, I made my bed every day (which, for me, is really a good thing after many years of being a slob!).
Hopefully, after today, I'll also be able to return to posting things which might be more useful to others, and less self-involved as I've been lately. For those who are still reading, thank you for bearing with me while I slogged my way through this temporary quagmire.
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the clearing of my home.
2. I am grateful for my health which is getting better every day.
3. I am grateful for all of the kitty love I am blessed to receive.
4. I am grateful for chicken soup and orange juice.
5. I am grateful for understanding. We all need to give more so that everyone receives more.
Love and light.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
March 20, 2014 Coulda been a nightmare!
I had an interesting dream sequence this morning which could really have been a nightmare, but it wasn't.
It was Thanksgiving and we were doing our usual preparations, except we weren't. For some reason, the house filled with people quite early, and more kept coming. I didn't seem to really know how many had been invited or were coming, but it didn't seem to matter. I just kept putting people to work. It also seemed that at least part of my remodel had been completed, because the house seemed bigger and things weren't where they are right now. Also, the tile which is stored in my shed at the moment appeared to be what was on the floor.
The first thing we were putting out were the desserts Heather had made. I was slicing a very tall yellow cake with lemon curd on top into strips and trying to lay it on what I thought was one of my Corelle platters, but on closer inspection, it was a very pretty, etched glass platter with colored flowers in the middle. I kept arranging and rearranging the slices of cake, trying to get them to fit on the platter, but they were a little too long for the width of the platter. I finally alternated directions (some upright, some sideways) until I got them on the platter.
We were also rearranging boxes which belonged to one of the men who was there, in my front bedroom, so we could put the card table for the Dutch oven in which I cook the turkey in the room. For some reason, the pile of boxes seemed to keep growing, and, although I'd considered putting a table in there for some of the guests, the boxes took up too much room.
As I was directing everyone and trying to put out food and get the rest of the dinner made at the same time, I noticed that the cake platter was almost empty! One of the guests had brought her two teenage boys and I asked the older one to clean up some cake that was on the floor. He told me his brother had dropped it, and the kid was good about cleaning up his mess.
It was then I realized that 1. I hadn't had my coffee yet and 2. We hadn't even made the stuffing, much less gotten the bird ready to go in the Dutch oven! The kitchen was already in a bit of disarray, but I found my Mother and Daughter mug Heather had gotten me a few years ago and filled it with coffee from what I discovered was a fresh pot. Thanking the coffee gods and the angel who had made a fresh pot, I started moving people out of the kitchen so we could get the stuffing made and the bird on to cook, all the while, assuring people that, although it was already 10 AM, the bird would be ready in time because it cooked a lot faster in the Dutch oven (which we've discovered it does.) Looking out the window, I saw even more people arriving, but my concern was not that we wouldn't have enough food, but that I needed to find space for everyone, despite the fact that, as near as I could tell, I only had one turkey. However, using the Dutch oven for the turkey left the oven in my stove free, so there's no telling what might have been cooking in there!
As the dream came to an end, I was about to ask Mathom to start peeling potatoes, and had a mental picture of one of my biggest mixing bowls (and that's saying a lot, as I have some pretty huge ones) full of fluffy mashed potatoes!
To a lot of people, the idea of putting a large meal together for an unknown number of people would be horrifying at best, but the kids and I have a ball putting our annual everything-from-scratch meal together, and like nothing better than to share it with friends. That people kept coming, yet there was never any concern over whether we could feed them all tells me that, as promised, abundance brings abundance. The abundance of loving friends who were filling my small house, and overflowing to the patio were causing the abundance in my house of food, love and joy to overflow as well.
All in all, I awoke feeling refreshed and happy with Patches rubbing against my face and purring her loudest, my head, temporarily unstuffed and ready to meet the day. My bedside clock, by the way, was reading 10:00 (though all of the other clocks in the house read 9:40). Interesting coincidence, I think.
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful that my cold is tapering off.
2. I am grateful for an abundance of love and joy in my life.
3. I am grateful for opportunities to nourish the world, not necessarily with food, but with love and positive energy.
4. I am grateful for the love and sensitivity I am experiencing with my cats, as we mourn the loss of Scooby who was taken from us suddenly.
5. I am grateful for healing.
Love and light
It was Thanksgiving and we were doing our usual preparations, except we weren't. For some reason, the house filled with people quite early, and more kept coming. I didn't seem to really know how many had been invited or were coming, but it didn't seem to matter. I just kept putting people to work. It also seemed that at least part of my remodel had been completed, because the house seemed bigger and things weren't where they are right now. Also, the tile which is stored in my shed at the moment appeared to be what was on the floor.
The first thing we were putting out were the desserts Heather had made. I was slicing a very tall yellow cake with lemon curd on top into strips and trying to lay it on what I thought was one of my Corelle platters, but on closer inspection, it was a very pretty, etched glass platter with colored flowers in the middle. I kept arranging and rearranging the slices of cake, trying to get them to fit on the platter, but they were a little too long for the width of the platter. I finally alternated directions (some upright, some sideways) until I got them on the platter.
We were also rearranging boxes which belonged to one of the men who was there, in my front bedroom, so we could put the card table for the Dutch oven in which I cook the turkey in the room. For some reason, the pile of boxes seemed to keep growing, and, although I'd considered putting a table in there for some of the guests, the boxes took up too much room.
As I was directing everyone and trying to put out food and get the rest of the dinner made at the same time, I noticed that the cake platter was almost empty! One of the guests had brought her two teenage boys and I asked the older one to clean up some cake that was on the floor. He told me his brother had dropped it, and the kid was good about cleaning up his mess.
It was then I realized that 1. I hadn't had my coffee yet and 2. We hadn't even made the stuffing, much less gotten the bird ready to go in the Dutch oven! The kitchen was already in a bit of disarray, but I found my Mother and Daughter mug Heather had gotten me a few years ago and filled it with coffee from what I discovered was a fresh pot. Thanking the coffee gods and the angel who had made a fresh pot, I started moving people out of the kitchen so we could get the stuffing made and the bird on to cook, all the while, assuring people that, although it was already 10 AM, the bird would be ready in time because it cooked a lot faster in the Dutch oven (which we've discovered it does.) Looking out the window, I saw even more people arriving, but my concern was not that we wouldn't have enough food, but that I needed to find space for everyone, despite the fact that, as near as I could tell, I only had one turkey. However, using the Dutch oven for the turkey left the oven in my stove free, so there's no telling what might have been cooking in there!
As the dream came to an end, I was about to ask Mathom to start peeling potatoes, and had a mental picture of one of my biggest mixing bowls (and that's saying a lot, as I have some pretty huge ones) full of fluffy mashed potatoes!
To a lot of people, the idea of putting a large meal together for an unknown number of people would be horrifying at best, but the kids and I have a ball putting our annual everything-from-scratch meal together, and like nothing better than to share it with friends. That people kept coming, yet there was never any concern over whether we could feed them all tells me that, as promised, abundance brings abundance. The abundance of loving friends who were filling my small house, and overflowing to the patio were causing the abundance in my house of food, love and joy to overflow as well.
All in all, I awoke feeling refreshed and happy with Patches rubbing against my face and purring her loudest, my head, temporarily unstuffed and ready to meet the day. My bedside clock, by the way, was reading 10:00 (though all of the other clocks in the house read 9:40). Interesting coincidence, I think.
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful that my cold is tapering off.
2. I am grateful for an abundance of love and joy in my life.
3. I am grateful for opportunities to nourish the world, not necessarily with food, but with love and positive energy.
4. I am grateful for the love and sensitivity I am experiencing with my cats, as we mourn the loss of Scooby who was taken from us suddenly.
5. I am grateful for healing.
Love and light
Monday, March 17, 2014
March 17, 2014 Nothing went as planned
Today was a very strange day when nothing went as planned. Although, unlike many, I was not awoken by the earthquake, it seems that I wasn't destined to complete any of the tasks I'd envisioned for the day.
I didn't make it to the gym, but, instead ran errands and had lunch with my daughter. (Not a bad tradeoff if you ask me.). While she changed out my lock set, I dumped sandboxes and got the trash out (something I would be incredibly grateful for doing early as the day's events unfolded).
I did my usual meditation, but as I was coming out of it, I found myself completely disoriented. I wasn't sure what time of day it was, whether I had slept on the couch instead of my bed, whether I'd fallen asleep in the early afternoon to awaken in the middle of the night...it was all very confusing and took me awhile to reorient.
While working on a client's books, I suddenly heard an odd yowling which I, at first, assumed was my old girl, Patches. Instead, it was Scooby who had stopped the throwing up I'd had him at the vet for a month ago, but was now starting again, but just throwing up water. I rushed him to the vet where I remained for two hours while they ran various tests. The initial prognosis is very scary, but I'm hoping that the doctor will go over the test results with one or two of his colleagues tomorrow before we make any decisions. Meanwhile, after throwing up a Pepsid, a pill for vomiting (yeah, irony, I know) and a liquid pain medication, Mr. Scooby is resting comfortably. Until he settled, Dylan remained at his side, making sure he was doing ok.
I did, however, find the time to ensure that other peoples' drama would not land on my doorstep any longer. I have chosen a life that is drama free and don't take kindly to anyone who thinks I need some to fill the void. Oh, wait! I guess I just set some more boundaries!! Yeah, me!
I got a text today directing me to the Power Path website where there ensued a discussion of how April promises to be pretty crazy. Was today's little earthquake only a precursor to what we have to look forward to? Is the time for the first upheaval upon us? Will some slates be wiped clean while others filled? The only thing I know for sure is that I will be doing my darndest to keep my energy positive, my activity level high, and creativity, even higher. The world can do what it may, but my corner will be radiating good thoughts and support of hopes and dreams.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that the trash went out early as events later in the day might have meant it didn't get out at all.
2. I am grateful for the compassion of my cats towards me and even more, towards each other.
3. I am grateful for my daughter who is ready to cut and run if I or the cats need her.
4. I am grateful for my friends who are right there with thoughts, prayers and positive energy when anyone needs a little boost.
5. I am grateful for the lessons I've learned about setting boundaries, and the strength to recognize when I need to set some new ones.
Love and light.
I didn't make it to the gym, but, instead ran errands and had lunch with my daughter. (Not a bad tradeoff if you ask me.). While she changed out my lock set, I dumped sandboxes and got the trash out (something I would be incredibly grateful for doing early as the day's events unfolded).
I did my usual meditation, but as I was coming out of it, I found myself completely disoriented. I wasn't sure what time of day it was, whether I had slept on the couch instead of my bed, whether I'd fallen asleep in the early afternoon to awaken in the middle of the night...it was all very confusing and took me awhile to reorient.
While working on a client's books, I suddenly heard an odd yowling which I, at first, assumed was my old girl, Patches. Instead, it was Scooby who had stopped the throwing up I'd had him at the vet for a month ago, but was now starting again, but just throwing up water. I rushed him to the vet where I remained for two hours while they ran various tests. The initial prognosis is very scary, but I'm hoping that the doctor will go over the test results with one or two of his colleagues tomorrow before we make any decisions. Meanwhile, after throwing up a Pepsid, a pill for vomiting (yeah, irony, I know) and a liquid pain medication, Mr. Scooby is resting comfortably. Until he settled, Dylan remained at his side, making sure he was doing ok.
I did, however, find the time to ensure that other peoples' drama would not land on my doorstep any longer. I have chosen a life that is drama free and don't take kindly to anyone who thinks I need some to fill the void. Oh, wait! I guess I just set some more boundaries!! Yeah, me!
I got a text today directing me to the Power Path website where there ensued a discussion of how April promises to be pretty crazy. Was today's little earthquake only a precursor to what we have to look forward to? Is the time for the first upheaval upon us? Will some slates be wiped clean while others filled? The only thing I know for sure is that I will be doing my darndest to keep my energy positive, my activity level high, and creativity, even higher. The world can do what it may, but my corner will be radiating good thoughts and support of hopes and dreams.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that the trash went out early as events later in the day might have meant it didn't get out at all.
2. I am grateful for the compassion of my cats towards me and even more, towards each other.
3. I am grateful for my daughter who is ready to cut and run if I or the cats need her.
4. I am grateful for my friends who are right there with thoughts, prayers and positive energy when anyone needs a little boost.
5. I am grateful for the lessons I've learned about setting boundaries, and the strength to recognize when I need to set some new ones.
Love and light.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
March 16, 2014 A Convoluted Day
Today was a day of endings and beginnings, activity on an energetic level and a physical one, and one of learning once again, who to trust and who to keep at arm's length.
It was a Full Moon Day.
Since beginning my A.R.T. training last July, I have cleared a lot of energetic blockages in myself which have, ultimately, changed my entire life for the better. But those clearings have also made me incredibly sensitive to things like moon phases and sunspot activity. Today was no exception.
I spent the first few hours of the day with a headache which traveled from one side of my forehead to the other, finally settling in my left temporal lobe. It wasn't more than a dull throb most of the time, so I was working through it, and lunch with my A.R.T. teacher and classmate finally put it to rest for awhile.
I'm sure part of it was the effort I was putting into extricating myself from drama which was not of my making, and realizing that I'd, once again, misplaced my trust. But as it is fairly easily rectified, I won't dwell on it here.
My formal A.R.T. training might have ended today, but I step forth into the new life I've created for myself with strong intentions, broad strokes, tools I didn't have before, and a writing career which is poised to launch me into a world I had only dreamed of to this point.
Certainly, I have a great deal of work to do to get there, and granted, I have concerns which I'm trusting in my faith in the Universe will work out better than anything I could imagine on my own, but I am my own task master now, and what I'm doing matters.
Since taking the initial leap of faith which I decided to do in October, put in motion in November and embarked upon in December, the Universe has not let me down. The only times I've struggled were when I gave myself either mixed or negative messages. I've learned that is only counterproductive.
A busy day which ended with a very challenging, but ultimately successful dance lesson saw a complete continuum of energetic levels. By the time I arrived at the dance lesson, I was energetically depleted. I slogged through the first few minutes of the lesson, but, I have to tell you that it was dancing! No matter how low my energy might be, dancing seems to fill me back up again!
That is not to say that I didn't spend a good part of the day sealing and re-sealing my energetic field. But the dancing certainly gave me a boost in the right direction! Although my weekly routine will see some changes in the coming weeks, I know that I need that three times a week infusion I've been getting lately.
Because the day was so full, I didn't get to my daily meditation until around 9:00 PM, and it was a rather interesting experience. Typically, I have one or two of the cats either in my lap or close by during my meditations. Today, though it felt like I struggled to keep my focus, Snowball came and went a couple of times before settling in the top of one of the cat trees, Munchkin moved between my lap and a blanket on the sofa to the left of me, Dylan checked in, then moved to the arm of the sofa, Scooby was on the back of the sofa on my left, and Toby the Moose parked his bulk between my chin and my knees, purring for awhile, then giving his face a thorough cleaning. Finding that I was losing focus, I began to hum, deep in my throat. To my surprise, Toby was extremely disturbed by the humming! He put his paw over my mouth as if to say "Stop that infernal racket! My purr should be more than enough of a hum for you!" I don't know about you, but when the cat becomes insistent like that, I tend to listen.
I do find that when the cats choose to participate in my meditations, I seal my field with them inside. They are very aware of energetic flow as their ears, fur and whiskers are natural receptors. But they are especially sensitive to changes in my flow, and I believe that's why they all joined in tonight. Between the emotional ups and downs and the energetic roller derby I was experiencing today, they were grounding me. In fact, if I think back to early this morning, Toby was sleeping around my head with his paw across my forehead, something he does when I either have a headache, or conditions are such that I will without his assistance.
At any rate, my endings include: ending my resistance to the natural flow. Ending associations which do me a disservice. Ending my days of procrastination.
My beginnings include: Beginning to follow a tighter schedule for completion of my self-assigned tasks. Beginning to use the momentum I've entered. Beginning to get out into the world more (if for no other reason than studying people will make my characters more interesting.). Beginning to put out more broad stroke intentions. Beginning to trust in the Universe to guide me personally, professionally, energetically, physically and mentally.
In some ways, I'm still releasing things which began in February, and that's fine. I follow my own timeline, though there is some consistency with the energetic pathways predicted for any given month.
As far as I'm concerned, it is all about me, and anyone who disagrees, doesn't have to associate with me. We all have choices. Some have already chosen to disassociate, while with others, the choice is mine. One of the sticky notes on my monitor says "I have an abundance of loving, positive people in my life." Their positive energy feeds mine and mine feeds theirs. Every so often, negativity sneaks in, but it doesn't stay long because a bunch of little energy ninjas start jumping up and down, smacking me in the head and reminding me that those negative nellies, no matter how they disguise themselves, are not welcome in my world. There is a time and a place for everyone and everything. They just need to find the one that fits them best.
So here's to New Beginnings, Endings where they need to be, and bucket loads of positive energy and faith to keep me moving forward into my own version of the Brave New World!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for having my eyes opened, despite the pain and disillusionment I might see at times.
2. I am grateful for the things which motivate and drive me to be better than my own, puny imagination can envision.
3. I am grateful for the people in my life, their differences and their commonalities. From them, I learn so much.
4. I am grateful for my cats who sense my energy shifts and do their best to get me past the big ones smoothly.
5. I am grateful for a lovely, full day that has made me feel complete in a lot of ways.
Love and light.
It was a Full Moon Day.
Since beginning my A.R.T. training last July, I have cleared a lot of energetic blockages in myself which have, ultimately, changed my entire life for the better. But those clearings have also made me incredibly sensitive to things like moon phases and sunspot activity. Today was no exception.
I spent the first few hours of the day with a headache which traveled from one side of my forehead to the other, finally settling in my left temporal lobe. It wasn't more than a dull throb most of the time, so I was working through it, and lunch with my A.R.T. teacher and classmate finally put it to rest for awhile.
I'm sure part of it was the effort I was putting into extricating myself from drama which was not of my making, and realizing that I'd, once again, misplaced my trust. But as it is fairly easily rectified, I won't dwell on it here.
My formal A.R.T. training might have ended today, but I step forth into the new life I've created for myself with strong intentions, broad strokes, tools I didn't have before, and a writing career which is poised to launch me into a world I had only dreamed of to this point.
Certainly, I have a great deal of work to do to get there, and granted, I have concerns which I'm trusting in my faith in the Universe will work out better than anything I could imagine on my own, but I am my own task master now, and what I'm doing matters.
Since taking the initial leap of faith which I decided to do in October, put in motion in November and embarked upon in December, the Universe has not let me down. The only times I've struggled were when I gave myself either mixed or negative messages. I've learned that is only counterproductive.
A busy day which ended with a very challenging, but ultimately successful dance lesson saw a complete continuum of energetic levels. By the time I arrived at the dance lesson, I was energetically depleted. I slogged through the first few minutes of the lesson, but, I have to tell you that it was dancing! No matter how low my energy might be, dancing seems to fill me back up again!
That is not to say that I didn't spend a good part of the day sealing and re-sealing my energetic field. But the dancing certainly gave me a boost in the right direction! Although my weekly routine will see some changes in the coming weeks, I know that I need that three times a week infusion I've been getting lately.
Because the day was so full, I didn't get to my daily meditation until around 9:00 PM, and it was a rather interesting experience. Typically, I have one or two of the cats either in my lap or close by during my meditations. Today, though it felt like I struggled to keep my focus, Snowball came and went a couple of times before settling in the top of one of the cat trees, Munchkin moved between my lap and a blanket on the sofa to the left of me, Dylan checked in, then moved to the arm of the sofa, Scooby was on the back of the sofa on my left, and Toby the Moose parked his bulk between my chin and my knees, purring for awhile, then giving his face a thorough cleaning. Finding that I was losing focus, I began to hum, deep in my throat. To my surprise, Toby was extremely disturbed by the humming! He put his paw over my mouth as if to say "Stop that infernal racket! My purr should be more than enough of a hum for you!" I don't know about you, but when the cat becomes insistent like that, I tend to listen.
I do find that when the cats choose to participate in my meditations, I seal my field with them inside. They are very aware of energetic flow as their ears, fur and whiskers are natural receptors. But they are especially sensitive to changes in my flow, and I believe that's why they all joined in tonight. Between the emotional ups and downs and the energetic roller derby I was experiencing today, they were grounding me. In fact, if I think back to early this morning, Toby was sleeping around my head with his paw across my forehead, something he does when I either have a headache, or conditions are such that I will without his assistance.
At any rate, my endings include: ending my resistance to the natural flow. Ending associations which do me a disservice. Ending my days of procrastination.
My beginnings include: Beginning to follow a tighter schedule for completion of my self-assigned tasks. Beginning to use the momentum I've entered. Beginning to get out into the world more (if for no other reason than studying people will make my characters more interesting.). Beginning to put out more broad stroke intentions. Beginning to trust in the Universe to guide me personally, professionally, energetically, physically and mentally.
In some ways, I'm still releasing things which began in February, and that's fine. I follow my own timeline, though there is some consistency with the energetic pathways predicted for any given month.
As far as I'm concerned, it is all about me, and anyone who disagrees, doesn't have to associate with me. We all have choices. Some have already chosen to disassociate, while with others, the choice is mine. One of the sticky notes on my monitor says "I have an abundance of loving, positive people in my life." Their positive energy feeds mine and mine feeds theirs. Every so often, negativity sneaks in, but it doesn't stay long because a bunch of little energy ninjas start jumping up and down, smacking me in the head and reminding me that those negative nellies, no matter how they disguise themselves, are not welcome in my world. There is a time and a place for everyone and everything. They just need to find the one that fits them best.
So here's to New Beginnings, Endings where they need to be, and bucket loads of positive energy and faith to keep me moving forward into my own version of the Brave New World!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for having my eyes opened, despite the pain and disillusionment I might see at times.
2. I am grateful for the things which motivate and drive me to be better than my own, puny imagination can envision.
3. I am grateful for the people in my life, their differences and their commonalities. From them, I learn so much.
4. I am grateful for my cats who sense my energy shifts and do their best to get me past the big ones smoothly.
5. I am grateful for a lovely, full day that has made me feel complete in a lot of ways.
Love and light.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
March 15, 2014 Creatures of habit
I realized, this morning, that, just like so many other humans, I am a creature of habit. This is quite disconcerting to me as I had long held the belief that I am a unique individual, immune from such mundane attributes as habitual behavior. But as I started my day today, I realized just how habitual my behavior truly is. See for yourself.
1. Wake up, snuggle the cats until Toby starts being a brat (playing the blinds, clawing the bed, etc.)
2. Either get up and start my day (depending on the hour and whether I'm still tired) or lock Toby and Snowball out so I can catch a few more winks.
3. Feed the cats their morning wet food.
4. Get coffee in my Eeyore mug and a carton of yogurt and take them into my office.
5. Put in contacts.
6. Make the bed. (Yes, the perpetual slob can't start her day without this little chore!)
7. Weigh in and record any downward changes on MyFitnessPal (upward changes are NEVER logged!)
8. Check email, Facebook and blog activity.
9. Play 1 game of Bubbles IQ
10. Drink coffee, then eat yogurt.
11. Get dressed (on writing days, I think this is odd as I've heard that writers may just stay in their jammies all day. Although there was a time when I could, I find it nearly impossible now! If nothing else, I like to work with my blinds open and the sun coming in, and my office window faces the street.)
12. Either go to the gym and run errands, write, or work on clients' books.
13. Take breaks to do chores, prepare meals, etc.
14. Noon or thereabouts, make and eat lunch.
15. Meditate for at least an hour.
16. Write or work some more.
17. Either get ready to go out dancing or read or watch tv or play a computer game.
I'm debating over whether this makes me boring or just focused on what I want to do and where I want to go. If nothing else, it means I do regular blog posts. I've also found myself planning certain days for certain activities. (e.g. on Wednesday I will work on client A.'s books. On Tuesday, I'll write all day. On Friday I'll have a veg day. On Monday, I'll pay bills.)
I'm thinking that after three months of having no set schedule, I'm feeling the need to be a little more organized, even regimented. Just as I'm waking up and starting my day much earlier than I'd envisioned, I'm finding that I need at least a little bit of structure in my life, even though, at this point in my life, it's completely self-imposed.
On the bright side of what my daughter would probably call anal behavior, it does get me closer to my goal and ensures that I write at least one blog post a day!
When I first started writing this post, I was horrified to find how habitual my days had become, but in retrospect, I think that a certain amount of structure will inevitably make me a better writer, especially when I enter into book deals with deadlines.
Isn't evolution fun???
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the guidance to structure my day when it's needed.
2. I am grateful for the inspiration which has returned in quantities far beyond my expectations.
3. I am grateful for supportive friends and family who, whether they realize it or not, help keep me focused.
4. I am grateful for Toby who clearly knows when I've slept enough, even if he gets obnoxious about it.
5. I am grateful for the ability to write out my thoughts until I reach a logical conclusion.
Love and light.
1. Wake up, snuggle the cats until Toby starts being a brat (playing the blinds, clawing the bed, etc.)
2. Either get up and start my day (depending on the hour and whether I'm still tired) or lock Toby and Snowball out so I can catch a few more winks.
3. Feed the cats their morning wet food.
4. Get coffee in my Eeyore mug and a carton of yogurt and take them into my office.
5. Put in contacts.
6. Make the bed. (Yes, the perpetual slob can't start her day without this little chore!)
7. Weigh in and record any downward changes on MyFitnessPal (upward changes are NEVER logged!)
8. Check email, Facebook and blog activity.
9. Play 1 game of Bubbles IQ
10. Drink coffee, then eat yogurt.
11. Get dressed (on writing days, I think this is odd as I've heard that writers may just stay in their jammies all day. Although there was a time when I could, I find it nearly impossible now! If nothing else, I like to work with my blinds open and the sun coming in, and my office window faces the street.)
12. Either go to the gym and run errands, write, or work on clients' books.
13. Take breaks to do chores, prepare meals, etc.
14. Noon or thereabouts, make and eat lunch.
15. Meditate for at least an hour.
16. Write or work some more.
17. Either get ready to go out dancing or read or watch tv or play a computer game.
I'm debating over whether this makes me boring or just focused on what I want to do and where I want to go. If nothing else, it means I do regular blog posts. I've also found myself planning certain days for certain activities. (e.g. on Wednesday I will work on client A.'s books. On Tuesday, I'll write all day. On Friday I'll have a veg day. On Monday, I'll pay bills.)
I'm thinking that after three months of having no set schedule, I'm feeling the need to be a little more organized, even regimented. Just as I'm waking up and starting my day much earlier than I'd envisioned, I'm finding that I need at least a little bit of structure in my life, even though, at this point in my life, it's completely self-imposed.
On the bright side of what my daughter would probably call anal behavior, it does get me closer to my goal and ensures that I write at least one blog post a day!
When I first started writing this post, I was horrified to find how habitual my days had become, but in retrospect, I think that a certain amount of structure will inevitably make me a better writer, especially when I enter into book deals with deadlines.
Isn't evolution fun???
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the guidance to structure my day when it's needed.
2. I am grateful for the inspiration which has returned in quantities far beyond my expectations.
3. I am grateful for supportive friends and family who, whether they realize it or not, help keep me focused.
4. I am grateful for Toby who clearly knows when I've slept enough, even if he gets obnoxious about it.
5. I am grateful for the ability to write out my thoughts until I reach a logical conclusion.
Love and light.
Friday, March 14, 2014
March 14, 2014 Getting into my characters
It was bound to happen, and today, it did. I really got into one of my characters and created a pretty cool scene for one of them, if I do say so myself. Imagine a slightly oversized house cat giving a full grown wolf a thorough dressing down. Well, it amused me, and when I shared it with my daughter, it amused her as well. I even thought about posting the chapter to see what kind of feedback I got. I may still, but it will be in the other blog, as it fits the theme better there.
A couple of pleasant interruptions today cut my writing short, but as I can write for awhile tomorrow, it's not a big deal. Both visits were from my kids, one blood, one adopted, and my adopted grandson who finally got to visit his cat who has been staying with me until construction was finished at his dad's place. I will be losing the little guy soon, and I know that Dylan will miss having someone he can play rough with. I have a feeling Snowball will miss having other cats to play with, but he'll still have a human around all day and he won't have to take turns getting attention. I'm sure he'll be happy to be back with his dad!
The local farm is open for business again, so my daughter brought me fresh picked strawberries and the most enormous cauliflower I'd ever seen. After cooking it down (and making a complete mess of my ceramic stove top!), I mixed it with some garlic, garlic olive oil (yes, I'm vampire proof now!), white pepper and sea salt, I had a delicious and healthy alternative to mashed potatoes, and the best part is, there are leftovers! We are so fortunate to be able to get fresh produce which is picked when ripe instead of having to be picked early so it will ripen during shipping. In fact, in this area, there are really only a couple of months of the year when there isn't something fresh out of the fields.
Living in an area where we have so many fresh fruits and vegetables available has made us take it a bit for granted, but that isn't to say that we don't appreciate it! Lately, it seems like we get strawberries almost year 'round, plus oranges and other citrus fruits, apples and pears. Veggies are even more plentiful and I've already gotten an enormous artichoke and the aforementioned, head sized cauliflower. No wonder there are so many health food nuts out here! We have too much good stuff staring us in the face! At the height of strawberry season, there are trucks on the side of the road all over town! We also have some amazing farmer's markets, pretty much, every day of the week! You just have to know where to go!
Yes, I know, another post about food! I guess I'm just saying that I'm grateful for the bounty.
And on that note, my gratitudes tonight are?
1. I am grateful for the plentiful, fresh produce near my home.
2. I am grateful for visits from my kids.
3. I am grateful for new opportunities.
4. I am grateful for days when the story and the characters just seem to flow.
5. I am grateful for a comfortable mix of hectic days and quiet days.
Love and light.
A couple of pleasant interruptions today cut my writing short, but as I can write for awhile tomorrow, it's not a big deal. Both visits were from my kids, one blood, one adopted, and my adopted grandson who finally got to visit his cat who has been staying with me until construction was finished at his dad's place. I will be losing the little guy soon, and I know that Dylan will miss having someone he can play rough with. I have a feeling Snowball will miss having other cats to play with, but he'll still have a human around all day and he won't have to take turns getting attention. I'm sure he'll be happy to be back with his dad!
The local farm is open for business again, so my daughter brought me fresh picked strawberries and the most enormous cauliflower I'd ever seen. After cooking it down (and making a complete mess of my ceramic stove top!), I mixed it with some garlic, garlic olive oil (yes, I'm vampire proof now!), white pepper and sea salt, I had a delicious and healthy alternative to mashed potatoes, and the best part is, there are leftovers! We are so fortunate to be able to get fresh produce which is picked when ripe instead of having to be picked early so it will ripen during shipping. In fact, in this area, there are really only a couple of months of the year when there isn't something fresh out of the fields.
Living in an area where we have so many fresh fruits and vegetables available has made us take it a bit for granted, but that isn't to say that we don't appreciate it! Lately, it seems like we get strawberries almost year 'round, plus oranges and other citrus fruits, apples and pears. Veggies are even more plentiful and I've already gotten an enormous artichoke and the aforementioned, head sized cauliflower. No wonder there are so many health food nuts out here! We have too much good stuff staring us in the face! At the height of strawberry season, there are trucks on the side of the road all over town! We also have some amazing farmer's markets, pretty much, every day of the week! You just have to know where to go!
Yes, I know, another post about food! I guess I'm just saying that I'm grateful for the bounty.
And on that note, my gratitudes tonight are?
1. I am grateful for the plentiful, fresh produce near my home.
2. I am grateful for visits from my kids.
3. I am grateful for new opportunities.
4. I am grateful for days when the story and the characters just seem to flow.
5. I am grateful for a comfortable mix of hectic days and quiet days.
Love and light.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
March 13, 2014 Dealing with Obsession
I admit it. I obsess. Over things. Over people. Over events. Over whatever.
I've gotten better about it over the last few years, but I'm not over it. It still rears its ugly head every now and then. Like now. I'm obsessing and it's driving me crazy because, frankly, what I'm obsessing over really isn't worth the trouble. (not that it ever is!) So I came up with a plan.
Whenever the object of my obsession pops into my head, I think of something really bad for me which would also make me sick to my stomach. What did I pick? Extra crispy fried chicken.
Yep, I'm not a fan of it anyway, and the double fried kind sends my stomach into fits. So that's what I picked. At the moment, all it's doing is putting I giant grin on my face when I think about it, but I'm hoping that, in time, I really will connect the obsession with this really nasty, stomach churning mess, and I will have created my very own, personal aversion therapy.
Am I alone in this? Do other people regularly obsess over things, people or events that they can't, realistically, have? Or am I more than just an ADHD writer with too much time on her hands? Am I actually a certifiable whack job?
Don't get me wrong. Obsessing doesn't typically get in the way of doing the things I want or need to do. It's more of an annoying fly that pops into my head at inopportune moments. And, as I said earlier, it isn't as common any more. I guess that's why, when it happens now, it rocks my world a bit until I realize what's happening and put myself into avoidance mode. Or in this case, nasty, greasy fried chicken mode.
You can't tell me that it wouldn't deter you to picture whatever you're obsessing about as a giant chicken leg, covered in batter and dripping with grease. (Unless, of course, you happen to be a fan of that cuisine). Or maybe see it as a trip to a sadistic dentist with a drill big enough for an elephant? Whatever works! The whole idea is to make the object of the obsession so distasteful that it is no longer something you desire.
So if you need me, I'll be double bagging the trash and taking it outside before the rancid oil turns me off of food indefinitely!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my fertile imagination.
2. I am grateful for the reprogramming which has allowed me to move forward with the editing of my book.
3. I am grateful for new and diverse opportunities.
4. I am grateful for endings and new beginnings.
5. I am grateful for the continued improvement to my strength and endurance.
Love and light.
I've gotten better about it over the last few years, but I'm not over it. It still rears its ugly head every now and then. Like now. I'm obsessing and it's driving me crazy because, frankly, what I'm obsessing over really isn't worth the trouble. (not that it ever is!) So I came up with a plan.
Whenever the object of my obsession pops into my head, I think of something really bad for me which would also make me sick to my stomach. What did I pick? Extra crispy fried chicken.
Yep, I'm not a fan of it anyway, and the double fried kind sends my stomach into fits. So that's what I picked. At the moment, all it's doing is putting I giant grin on my face when I think about it, but I'm hoping that, in time, I really will connect the obsession with this really nasty, stomach churning mess, and I will have created my very own, personal aversion therapy.
Am I alone in this? Do other people regularly obsess over things, people or events that they can't, realistically, have? Or am I more than just an ADHD writer with too much time on her hands? Am I actually a certifiable whack job?
Don't get me wrong. Obsessing doesn't typically get in the way of doing the things I want or need to do. It's more of an annoying fly that pops into my head at inopportune moments. And, as I said earlier, it isn't as common any more. I guess that's why, when it happens now, it rocks my world a bit until I realize what's happening and put myself into avoidance mode. Or in this case, nasty, greasy fried chicken mode.
You can't tell me that it wouldn't deter you to picture whatever you're obsessing about as a giant chicken leg, covered in batter and dripping with grease. (Unless, of course, you happen to be a fan of that cuisine). Or maybe see it as a trip to a sadistic dentist with a drill big enough for an elephant? Whatever works! The whole idea is to make the object of the obsession so distasteful that it is no longer something you desire.
So if you need me, I'll be double bagging the trash and taking it outside before the rancid oil turns me off of food indefinitely!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for my fertile imagination.
2. I am grateful for the reprogramming which has allowed me to move forward with the editing of my book.
3. I am grateful for new and diverse opportunities.
4. I am grateful for endings and new beginnings.
5. I am grateful for the continued improvement to my strength and endurance.
Love and light.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
March 12, 2014 Shooting myself in the foot
After yesterday's lack of motivation for working on my book, I had a very compelling dream which made me realize that I'm shooting myself in the foot. In the dream, while chasing kittens I'd inadvertently released from a back yard enclosure where we were fostering rescues, I met a neighbor who was a writer. He told me that he went into his home office at the same time every day and wrote all day without interruptions. His family knew that this was his work time, and left him alone, as if he was at an office elsewhere.
It was then that it hit me. First, I need to make a commitment to write every day (and yes, blog posts count!). Second, I need to lose the belief that editing is tedious and dreadful and uncreative. Bollox! Part of the editing process is to flesh out and improve on what I wrote while in my semi-fugue state, writing from stream of consciousness. The upside of writing in this fashion is that the story just comes out, but the downside is that it comes out rather bare bones. It is up to the creative process while editing to turn it into something interesting and fun for others to read! Is that a lightbulb I just saw come on above my head?
And as soon as this thought hit me, I started seeing new book titles and ideas flashing through my brain! In fact, I have a nail appointment and need to go to the gym and run some errands today, but now, I can't wait to get back to writing (though, I admit, I will put it aside to go dancing tonight, as my knee is feeling much better after a few days of rest).
I wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure this out, but I'm sure it had something to do with not asking the right questions. (last night, I half jokingly posted my status on Facebook as "Motivation...motivation, wherefore art thou, motivation?" Seems the Universe had the answer ready for the asking!
I am happy to report that the best result of my realizations was a more productive day. Although most of it did not involve writing, it did clear the way for tonight and tomorrow as errands which had been neglected were done, I got a workout in (always good for clearing the mind!) and even talked to someone about doing some actual income-producing work!
It occurs to me that no matter how much we try to live a life with an attitude of gratitude, noticing the positive things and finding a way to turn even what seem like setbacks into something useful, we all have moments, hours, days, and sometimes (heaven forbid!) weeks, when our best intentions slip and we need a bit of a wakeup call. Fortunately, when we ask the right questions, or even something close, the answers will come!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful that my questions get answers and I am back on track.
2. I am grateful for new words like "adoptimism":adopting a positive outlook towards life.
3. I am grateful for time to work on my body, my mind and my soul purpose.
4. I am grateful for my feline assistants who help me stay on task even when my mind wants to go elsewhere. There's a lot to be said for a little company which is not mentally demanding (the little darlings only make demands of my heart...and skritching fingers!)
5. I am grateful for my life, as it is becoming more of what I came here to do, every day, one step at a time.
Love and light
It was then that it hit me. First, I need to make a commitment to write every day (and yes, blog posts count!). Second, I need to lose the belief that editing is tedious and dreadful and uncreative. Bollox! Part of the editing process is to flesh out and improve on what I wrote while in my semi-fugue state, writing from stream of consciousness. The upside of writing in this fashion is that the story just comes out, but the downside is that it comes out rather bare bones. It is up to the creative process while editing to turn it into something interesting and fun for others to read! Is that a lightbulb I just saw come on above my head?
And as soon as this thought hit me, I started seeing new book titles and ideas flashing through my brain! In fact, I have a nail appointment and need to go to the gym and run some errands today, but now, I can't wait to get back to writing (though, I admit, I will put it aside to go dancing tonight, as my knee is feeling much better after a few days of rest).
I wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure this out, but I'm sure it had something to do with not asking the right questions. (last night, I half jokingly posted my status on Facebook as "Motivation...motivation, wherefore art thou, motivation?" Seems the Universe had the answer ready for the asking!
I am happy to report that the best result of my realizations was a more productive day. Although most of it did not involve writing, it did clear the way for tonight and tomorrow as errands which had been neglected were done, I got a workout in (always good for clearing the mind!) and even talked to someone about doing some actual income-producing work!
It occurs to me that no matter how much we try to live a life with an attitude of gratitude, noticing the positive things and finding a way to turn even what seem like setbacks into something useful, we all have moments, hours, days, and sometimes (heaven forbid!) weeks, when our best intentions slip and we need a bit of a wakeup call. Fortunately, when we ask the right questions, or even something close, the answers will come!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful that my questions get answers and I am back on track.
2. I am grateful for new words like "adoptimism":adopting a positive outlook towards life.
3. I am grateful for time to work on my body, my mind and my soul purpose.
4. I am grateful for my feline assistants who help me stay on task even when my mind wants to go elsewhere. There's a lot to be said for a little company which is not mentally demanding (the little darlings only make demands of my heart...and skritching fingers!)
5. I am grateful for my life, as it is becoming more of what I came here to do, every day, one step at a time.
Love and light
Monday, March 10, 2014
March 10, 2014 Where do I go from here?
I'm now in my ninth month of A.R.T. training, and I've been doing some soul searching as we are doing more and more hands on work with other people. For me, this is where the rubber meets the road, and I must understand why I was led to this path, and what I was meant to accomplish (and in some cases, have accomplished).
More and more, over the last few weeks, I have found that I am shying away from going into healing as a business pursuit. Although I do feel that I have a certain amount of aptitude, given the gifts I have been given, I also realize that the actual work of doing it on a day to day basis is just not my passion. Instead, it has opened up my heart and mind to possibilities and has helped me recognize blockages in myself which have, up until recently, prevented me from living my life's true purpose.
I won't necessarily be abandoning healing practices when the course is finished, but, instead, may find myself in a supporting role, perhaps helping with content for web pages, writing newsletters and ad copy, or supporting the business end of things. I will continue to do work on myself and selected friends and family, but will leave the heavy duty, healing work to those who are not only more inclined, but who have also been trained in other modalities as well such as body work. I may continue to do some distance healing as well, but the face to face practice is, I feel, too draining, and distracts me from what I really want to do with the gifts and talents I've received.
Much of what I have learned and will continue to learn will, most likely, find its way into the things I write, whether they be fiction, memoir, self-help, or supportive of those whose path is to be a healing practitioner. My path lies with the written word.
My path is to be a successful author. When I was doing some reading for the class and was asked to imagine a life of abundance, then make it grander, the first thing I thought of was a successful book, and when asked to make it grander, I visualized 10 successful books, and then, even more.
This, then, is where I go from here, continuing to learn, but using what I've learned to fulfill my own, personal passion. Practicing healing with people I know rather than strangers (though, who really knows when and where I'll be called upon to practice what I've learned), and doing what I can to promote non-medical healing modalities.
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the lessons my A.R.T. class has brought me thus far.
2. I am grateful for the visions of abundance which are filling me with joy.
3. I am grateful for a large computer monitor on which to post sticky notes with my abundance.
4. I am grateful for increasing clarity in following my true path.
5. I am grateful that my path includes, love, joy and abundance, both giving and receiving.
Love and light.
More and more, over the last few weeks, I have found that I am shying away from going into healing as a business pursuit. Although I do feel that I have a certain amount of aptitude, given the gifts I have been given, I also realize that the actual work of doing it on a day to day basis is just not my passion. Instead, it has opened up my heart and mind to possibilities and has helped me recognize blockages in myself which have, up until recently, prevented me from living my life's true purpose.
I won't necessarily be abandoning healing practices when the course is finished, but, instead, may find myself in a supporting role, perhaps helping with content for web pages, writing newsletters and ad copy, or supporting the business end of things. I will continue to do work on myself and selected friends and family, but will leave the heavy duty, healing work to those who are not only more inclined, but who have also been trained in other modalities as well such as body work. I may continue to do some distance healing as well, but the face to face practice is, I feel, too draining, and distracts me from what I really want to do with the gifts and talents I've received.
Much of what I have learned and will continue to learn will, most likely, find its way into the things I write, whether they be fiction, memoir, self-help, or supportive of those whose path is to be a healing practitioner. My path lies with the written word.
My path is to be a successful author. When I was doing some reading for the class and was asked to imagine a life of abundance, then make it grander, the first thing I thought of was a successful book, and when asked to make it grander, I visualized 10 successful books, and then, even more.
This, then, is where I go from here, continuing to learn, but using what I've learned to fulfill my own, personal passion. Practicing healing with people I know rather than strangers (though, who really knows when and where I'll be called upon to practice what I've learned), and doing what I can to promote non-medical healing modalities.
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the lessons my A.R.T. class has brought me thus far.
2. I am grateful for the visions of abundance which are filling me with joy.
3. I am grateful for a large computer monitor on which to post sticky notes with my abundance.
4. I am grateful for increasing clarity in following my true path.
5. I am grateful that my path includes, love, joy and abundance, both giving and receiving.
Love and light.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
March 9, 2014 Can't we all be geniuses?
I struggle, sometimes, to write something witty or thought provoking, in an effort to increase the number of people who are reading, yet, in spite of myself, I have yet to find the magic formula. Sometimes, for reasons unbeknownst to me, I'll see 50 or 100 hits in a day (and on rare occasions, even more!), but on others, a meager 10 or less. I've fiddled with time of day as well as content, and have seen no discernible pattern. I've added labels, and, again, nothing pops.
Yet, here I am, writing once again, because, the truth is, though I love seeing my numbers go up (and what aspiring author wouldn't?), I have to write nearly as much as I have to breathe or eat or answer the call of nature.
For me, writing is more compelling than (yes, I'm going to say this, in hopes that I don't cause panic in the hearts of those who know me well)...dancing! Yes, I love, love, love to dance, and even more, love my dance friends, but writing is more than just a love affair for me. It is a compunction I cannot ignore. Countless times, I will stop whatever else I'm doing (but taxes finds me easily distracted) to jot down some thought or another because it just has to be committed to screen at that very moment!
But yes, I would like to find the secret to writing things people want to read. As writer (and even a dance maniac), I love to entertain. But more, I enjoy giving people something to think about, or something to relate to, assuring them that no matter how odd they think their idiosyncrasies might be, they really aren't alone. Someone out there shares what others might deem strange. (and frankly, just as one woman's junk is another woman's treasure, I believe that one person's strange is another person's genius!)
Hmmm, there's another tangent I can go off on. What is genius, really? Merriam-Webster defines genius as:
I think a reasonable argument could be made that we are all geniuses in our own right. Consciously or not, we find something that interests us and learn as much as we can about it. For example, when my daughters were in third grade, the teacher did a unit on bats for their science class. One of my daughters was so fascinated that she came home with what I would consider obscure facts about bats, which she remembers to this day. She was always fascinated with all things science, but she struggled to pass college biology. It wasn't that she didn't understand and live the information. She just struggled with putting the answers down when put in a test situation. Today, she uses those talents to create the most incredible cakes and baked goods imaginable. She's created her own blend of gluten free flour, has learned how to cut back on sugar and butter while retaining consistency and flavor, and is happy as a pig in a mud puddle! If you asked anyone who had tasted her offerings, they would likely refer to her as a genius (I know I do!). Baking is an art, but it's also a science. Few of us can change a recipe successfully (or create one) simply by looking at the consistency and knowing it's right! Unlike cooking, you can't taste as you go to see if it's right. You have to wait until it's baked, and by then, it's too late to fix it! In fact, her twin took a very expensive course designed to produce a pastry chef. If you ask me, she doesn't have half the talent of her science nerd twin! Here are a couple of her latest efforts:
The one on the left is a chocolate cake with fudge frosting, filled (and topped) with strawberries. The one on the right is a S'mores cake with whipped cream and graham cracker filling, meringue frosting and chocolate dipped graham crackers on top. I was going to stop here, but I simply must post a couple more.
This is a Reese's peanut butter cup cake she made because her hubby loves them! When she brought it to the club where we dance, she gave new meaning to "Gone in 60 seconds!"
But my all-time favorite is the one our friends nicknamed the "Better than Sex" cake, and it seems to be the most requested one these days. It is her signature chocolate cake filled with a nutella/whipped cream mixture and topped with her fudge frosting. I particularly like it because she rarely makes a true buttercream, which I find nauseating, but does things that are lighter and tastier instead. (sorry all of you buttercream fans!)
OK, I guess I can get off the subject of my daughter's baking genius now, as posting more pictures could cause massive shorting out of keyboards from salivation!
This post sure took some twists and turns, didn't it? We'll see how it does in the polls!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the genius in all of us.
2. I am grateful for my talented daughter who found a way to mix her love of science with her love of cooking and baking.
3. I am grateful for the many outlets I have to do what makes me happiest.
4. I am grateful for abundance, prosperity and balance.
5. I am grateful for the love and partnership opportunities waiting on the fringes of my vision for me to wake up and notice them.
Love and light
Yet, here I am, writing once again, because, the truth is, though I love seeing my numbers go up (and what aspiring author wouldn't?), I have to write nearly as much as I have to breathe or eat or answer the call of nature.
For me, writing is more compelling than (yes, I'm going to say this, in hopes that I don't cause panic in the hearts of those who know me well)...dancing! Yes, I love, love, love to dance, and even more, love my dance friends, but writing is more than just a love affair for me. It is a compunction I cannot ignore. Countless times, I will stop whatever else I'm doing (but taxes finds me easily distracted) to jot down some thought or another because it just has to be committed to screen at that very moment!
But yes, I would like to find the secret to writing things people want to read. As writer (and even a dance maniac), I love to entertain. But more, I enjoy giving people something to think about, or something to relate to, assuring them that no matter how odd they think their idiosyncrasies might be, they really aren't alone. Someone out there shares what others might deem strange. (and frankly, just as one woman's junk is another woman's treasure, I believe that one person's strange is another person's genius!)
Hmmm, there's another tangent I can go off on. What is genius, really? Merriam-Webster defines genius as:
: a very smart or talented person : a person who has a level of talent or intelligence that is very rare or remarkableSo, how do we measure talent or intelligence? Frankly, a person could be remarkably talented at just about anything, which could render each and every one of us a genius in our own way! Digging further, Merriam-Webster defines savant as:
: a person who is very good at doing something
: great natural ability : remarkable talent or intelligence
: a person who knows a lot about a particular subjectDon't we all know a lot about something? Others may call it useless knowledge in some cases, but just because it is useless to some doesn't make it useless to all, right?
I think a reasonable argument could be made that we are all geniuses in our own right. Consciously or not, we find something that interests us and learn as much as we can about it. For example, when my daughters were in third grade, the teacher did a unit on bats for their science class. One of my daughters was so fascinated that she came home with what I would consider obscure facts about bats, which she remembers to this day. She was always fascinated with all things science, but she struggled to pass college biology. It wasn't that she didn't understand and live the information. She just struggled with putting the answers down when put in a test situation. Today, she uses those talents to create the most incredible cakes and baked goods imaginable. She's created her own blend of gluten free flour, has learned how to cut back on sugar and butter while retaining consistency and flavor, and is happy as a pig in a mud puddle! If you asked anyone who had tasted her offerings, they would likely refer to her as a genius (I know I do!). Baking is an art, but it's also a science. Few of us can change a recipe successfully (or create one) simply by looking at the consistency and knowing it's right! Unlike cooking, you can't taste as you go to see if it's right. You have to wait until it's baked, and by then, it's too late to fix it! In fact, her twin took a very expensive course designed to produce a pastry chef. If you ask me, she doesn't have half the talent of her science nerd twin! Here are a couple of her latest efforts:
The one on the left is a chocolate cake with fudge frosting, filled (and topped) with strawberries. The one on the right is a S'mores cake with whipped cream and graham cracker filling, meringue frosting and chocolate dipped graham crackers on top. I was going to stop here, but I simply must post a couple more.
This is a Reese's peanut butter cup cake she made because her hubby loves them! When she brought it to the club where we dance, she gave new meaning to "Gone in 60 seconds!"
But my all-time favorite is the one our friends nicknamed the "Better than Sex" cake, and it seems to be the most requested one these days. It is her signature chocolate cake filled with a nutella/whipped cream mixture and topped with her fudge frosting. I particularly like it because she rarely makes a true buttercream, which I find nauseating, but does things that are lighter and tastier instead. (sorry all of you buttercream fans!) OK, I guess I can get off the subject of my daughter's baking genius now, as posting more pictures could cause massive shorting out of keyboards from salivation!
This post sure took some twists and turns, didn't it? We'll see how it does in the polls!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the genius in all of us.
2. I am grateful for my talented daughter who found a way to mix her love of science with her love of cooking and baking.
3. I am grateful for the many outlets I have to do what makes me happiest.
4. I am grateful for abundance, prosperity and balance.
5. I am grateful for the love and partnership opportunities waiting on the fringes of my vision for me to wake up and notice them.
Love and light
Saturday, March 8, 2014
March 8, 2014 Recurring themes
The subject keeps coming up as to whether or not I'm ready to include another person in my life, whether I'm ready to embrace my wholeness and allow someone to share it. I vacillate between wanting the warmth and companionship and loving my alone time.
What it has finally come down to is that there are a number of things I need to do to improve my home environment before I'll be ready to let someone in, and so far, I've made every excuse in the book to avoid some pretty onerous tasks. In fact, I ended up cleaning out the things which were on the floor of one of my closets last week, to find out just how onerous it is. It seems that, at some point, my cats were using it as their sandbox of choice, and the carpet is beyond ruined. I discarded or washed everything that was on the floor, but I need to rip up the carpet and scrub the bejeebers out of the floor now.
I also need to take mop and bucket to the floors in the rest of the house, and probably clean walls as well. As I'm not exactly Suzie Homemaker, these tasks take awhile for me to actually get to. But am I avoiding them so I don't have to answer the question above? Or do I really avoid them because I'm such a slob?
There's also the matter of my yard. Although I know that getting my hands into the dirt would be a good thing for me on many levels, I continue to ignore the weeds gracing my flower bed, and the rose bushes which need trimming. Again, to avoid the above question, or out of laziness?
I'm thinking that the first step is to actually focus my attention on these things instead of sweeping them under my mental rug. I don't mean just look at them, say "nah!" and move on. I mean that I need to look at the underlying reasons I don't just do them! It isn't like I don't have the time right now! Editing is going slowly, in fits and starts, and my social life isn't exactly packed full of appointments, parties and events. (I'm not complaining about the social life, though, as I do like a certain amount of solitude.)
So what is the real reason for leaving these necessary tasks undone?
The first thing that comes into my mind is fear. OK, so fear of what? Fear of failure? Fear that nobody out there would want me? Fear of being hurt? Fear of commitment? Do I have to pick just one? It isn't like I haven't given this a lot of thought.
I know I don't have the body of a model, but then, I'm also not 20 or 30 any more. Yes, a lot of my peers learned to love themselves much earlier than I did, and have taken much better care of their outside package than I have, but I am working on it! It is a slow process, but I'm happy with my progress, thus far. I'm going to the gym pretty regularly, eating healthy most of the time, and drinking gallons of water. Yet, there's still some insecurity there, despite the fact that I keep telling myself I wouldn't be happy with someone who loved me based on my looks.
I watch my friends who have long-term, loving relationships a little enviously, but more, with gratitude that they found someone who cherishes them. Then I find myself thinking "I want to be loved like that!" The trouble is, I'm not sure I know how! Is there a manual or something out there? Or is it like raising kids? You learn as you go. Hmmm, sounds like a song I like "....Life's a dance, you learn as you go, sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow."
Wait a minute!!!! Is that it??? Have I been leading for so long that I've forgotten how to follow? Is it as simple as that? Allowing myself to two step instead of line dance? Just that???
Of course, it's easier said than done, but at least I understand the concept. The trick will be putting it in practice as I really do love to line dance! (I'm getting all goose pimply here, as I really feel like I've hit on the problem!)
I'm open to suggestions from the many women I know who are strong and independent (and there are a lot of us out there these days!). How did you learn to give up the lead once in awhile? Is there some secret to it, or is it, as a friend of mine says, "easy peasy"? Did I just blow by the course when it came around, thinking I'd never need it? Something like Letting Go 101? Or maybe I need the really elementary version, "Letting Go For Dummies"?
Any ideas out there? (Don't worry about the house. I know I need to work on that one!) Funny, I woke up from a dream where the friend I stole "easy peasy" from was asking me how my house was decorated, what was on the walls, the front door, etc. In the dream, this was all part of creating the right environment, as if the outer environment would bring changes, and maybe it would. I'm sure my outer environment is a reflection of my inner one in some mysterious way. And, to be honest, I've come a long way in the clearing of it, despite the fact that I still have a long way to go. Perhaps, just being ready, willing and able to clear the outer environment is what proves to ourselves that our inner one is ready for the changes we desire?
Definitely a lot to ponder here on this bright, sunny, windy Saturday.
I hope that you're all making your dreams come true as you read of my struggles to realize mine!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the loving examples of my friends.
2. I am grateful for the ability to be my own sounding board to, if not solve, at least, understand, what I still need to improve in myself.
3. I am grateful for those who listen, and appreciate it when they don't tell me I'm oversharing, even when I am!
4. I am grateful for opportunities for self-improvement.
5. I am grateful for the home I'm continuing to make brighter, cleaner and less cluttered.
Love and light.
What it has finally come down to is that there are a number of things I need to do to improve my home environment before I'll be ready to let someone in, and so far, I've made every excuse in the book to avoid some pretty onerous tasks. In fact, I ended up cleaning out the things which were on the floor of one of my closets last week, to find out just how onerous it is. It seems that, at some point, my cats were using it as their sandbox of choice, and the carpet is beyond ruined. I discarded or washed everything that was on the floor, but I need to rip up the carpet and scrub the bejeebers out of the floor now.
I also need to take mop and bucket to the floors in the rest of the house, and probably clean walls as well. As I'm not exactly Suzie Homemaker, these tasks take awhile for me to actually get to. But am I avoiding them so I don't have to answer the question above? Or do I really avoid them because I'm such a slob?
There's also the matter of my yard. Although I know that getting my hands into the dirt would be a good thing for me on many levels, I continue to ignore the weeds gracing my flower bed, and the rose bushes which need trimming. Again, to avoid the above question, or out of laziness?
I'm thinking that the first step is to actually focus my attention on these things instead of sweeping them under my mental rug. I don't mean just look at them, say "nah!" and move on. I mean that I need to look at the underlying reasons I don't just do them! It isn't like I don't have the time right now! Editing is going slowly, in fits and starts, and my social life isn't exactly packed full of appointments, parties and events. (I'm not complaining about the social life, though, as I do like a certain amount of solitude.)
So what is the real reason for leaving these necessary tasks undone?
The first thing that comes into my mind is fear. OK, so fear of what? Fear of failure? Fear that nobody out there would want me? Fear of being hurt? Fear of commitment? Do I have to pick just one? It isn't like I haven't given this a lot of thought.
I know I don't have the body of a model, but then, I'm also not 20 or 30 any more. Yes, a lot of my peers learned to love themselves much earlier than I did, and have taken much better care of their outside package than I have, but I am working on it! It is a slow process, but I'm happy with my progress, thus far. I'm going to the gym pretty regularly, eating healthy most of the time, and drinking gallons of water. Yet, there's still some insecurity there, despite the fact that I keep telling myself I wouldn't be happy with someone who loved me based on my looks.
I watch my friends who have long-term, loving relationships a little enviously, but more, with gratitude that they found someone who cherishes them. Then I find myself thinking "I want to be loved like that!" The trouble is, I'm not sure I know how! Is there a manual or something out there? Or is it like raising kids? You learn as you go. Hmmm, sounds like a song I like "....Life's a dance, you learn as you go, sometimes you lead and sometimes you follow."
Wait a minute!!!! Is that it??? Have I been leading for so long that I've forgotten how to follow? Is it as simple as that? Allowing myself to two step instead of line dance? Just that???
Of course, it's easier said than done, but at least I understand the concept. The trick will be putting it in practice as I really do love to line dance! (I'm getting all goose pimply here, as I really feel like I've hit on the problem!)
I'm open to suggestions from the many women I know who are strong and independent (and there are a lot of us out there these days!). How did you learn to give up the lead once in awhile? Is there some secret to it, or is it, as a friend of mine says, "easy peasy"? Did I just blow by the course when it came around, thinking I'd never need it? Something like Letting Go 101? Or maybe I need the really elementary version, "Letting Go For Dummies"?
Any ideas out there? (Don't worry about the house. I know I need to work on that one!) Funny, I woke up from a dream where the friend I stole "easy peasy" from was asking me how my house was decorated, what was on the walls, the front door, etc. In the dream, this was all part of creating the right environment, as if the outer environment would bring changes, and maybe it would. I'm sure my outer environment is a reflection of my inner one in some mysterious way. And, to be honest, I've come a long way in the clearing of it, despite the fact that I still have a long way to go. Perhaps, just being ready, willing and able to clear the outer environment is what proves to ourselves that our inner one is ready for the changes we desire?
Definitely a lot to ponder here on this bright, sunny, windy Saturday.
I hope that you're all making your dreams come true as you read of my struggles to realize mine!
My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the loving examples of my friends.
2. I am grateful for the ability to be my own sounding board to, if not solve, at least, understand, what I still need to improve in myself.
3. I am grateful for those who listen, and appreciate it when they don't tell me I'm oversharing, even when I am!
4. I am grateful for opportunities for self-improvement.
5. I am grateful for the home I'm continuing to make brighter, cleaner and less cluttered.
Love and light.
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