Welcome to my Journey

Hello, and welcome to my Journey. Over the last few years I have been learning more about my personal journey, my Path and my Soul Purpose. The further I travel, the easier I find it to share my journey with others, and to learn from their journeys as well. The most recent evolution has caused me to expand my Universe and allow more people access to my travels, as well as allowing me access to more people, their travels and what they have learned as they walk their own paths. Feel free to share your journey here as we all have much to learn in our lives as Divine Beings having a Human experience.

Love and Light.

Thursday, October 31, 2013

October 31, 2013 Being distracted is becoming a way of life.

Have I mentioned that I've been feeling distracted and disconnected lately?  (only half a million times, right?)

It's getting so bad that my friends are noticing it too!  I'm chalking it up to having a lot on my mind at the moment, but aside from today when I did my best to focus on completing a task for my boss, my mind is like a butterfly on weed!  It just flitters and flutters this way and that, lighting for a moment, then winging its way off to some other distraction.  It's driving me nuts! 

I still can't manage to meditate more than about 15 minutes, and it seems like hours!  This has got to stop!  I have things to do, people to see, preparations to make!

And yet, I know it will all come together.  But the control freak in me is having a hard time just letting go right now. 

For some reason, my feet felt lighter as I danced tonight, and yet, the noise level seemed to be excessively high, and I wasn't the only one who noticed.

But part of that seems to have found an explanation, as a woman who was well known in the dance community, and especially at the club where I dance, lost her battle with pancreatic cancer this morning.  I'm sure that what I was feeling tonight was her spirit bidding us all a final farewell as she moved on to the next plane. 

I guess this is just another reminder that things change, whether you want them to or not, and the best thing you can do is relax and go with the flow.  Fighting the changes is exhausting and best, futile in the extreme and much like trying to paddle up a waterfall.  You can fight it and end up where you were meant to be, exhausted and frustrated, or you can let the current take you where it will, no matter what you do, and arrive refreshed and ready to accept the new order and make something extraordinary out of it. 

I'm guessing that my distractedness is my way of stilling my analytical side and allowing the situation to unfold as it is meant to, without my well-meaning, but fruitless interference. 

We are rolling into a weekend which promises some major upheavals, and which includes a solar eclipse!  It should make for interesting times at my high school reunion!  A few fireworks maybe?

I suppose the best thing for me to do, then, is to get plenty of rest as the festivities actually begin tomorrow night, and we have things planned all the way through Sunday!   Good thing I'm taking all of those vitamins and supplements every day!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that despite the sadness it brings to many, Joan is out of pain.
2. I am grateful for the warmth and continuity of the dance community, and the love we all share.
3. I am grateful for a weekend of old friends and new, memories past and new memories being made.
4. I am grateful for the cats who are waiting, not very patiently, to get their evening snuggle time.
5. I am grateful for the chain of events that is transpiring with the speed of a runaway freight train, even though I don't know right now where it will all end up.  The excitement is in the journey!

Love and light

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

October 30, 2013 My favorite things

Here I sit, in front of my computer, cat on the desk, mouse hanging precariously over the edge, awaiting said feline's next stretch before I'm once again, diving under the desk to retrieve it, and smiling all over my body, because this is truly my favorite part of the day.

This is the time when I get to sit down, open up my brain and just let it all hang out.  It doesn't matter whether I wax eloquent, or walk the fine line between comedy and idiocy.  I am doing what I enjoy most, and that is putting words to paper (or virtual paper) in any way I please. 

My mind has been in such a jumble lately, as I prepare to make some pretty significant leaps, and as a result, meditating is virtually impossible.  I might actually get my brain to shut off for as long as 15 minutes, but that's about as good as it gets right now.

But when I sit down at the computer to write, I have the freedom to allow all of those errant thoughts to just spill out on the screen in whatever order they come out.  I'm not anxious to get everything to make sense right now.  The point here is to get the thoughts out and maybe find that gem of an idea which will become the story you'll read in a magazine or collection and be able to say "I read her when..."

For now, my focus is more on quantity than quality, because, when it comes down to it, I can edit and perfect once I have a whole bunch of words, right?  But the idea which will be my first published story must first be allowed to break free of all of the other ideas, and show me just how pretty it looks, all dressed up for the party to be thrown in its honor.

I guess that's why I tend to lean more towards the company of my cats.  They don't judge what hits the page, nor the number of hours I sit here pounding on the keys at my usual lightening pace.  As long as they are acknowledged periodically, given a few skritches when I come up for air, and their food and water bowls are kept full, they're perfectly content to just lay around my office, keeping me company. 

Dylan, in particular, likes nothing better than to have me around all the time.  He lays on the desk for awhile, then wanders off to do whatever cats do when they're not eating or sleeping, then checks in every so often to make sure I am still conscious of the fact that he requires attention ever now and then.

The rest of them have their own routines, but each, in his or her own way, makes sure I know that I can't be typing every minute, and when I'm not, they are the most important thing!

As I gear up to change my life in pretty drastic ways, I'm also conscious of how my changes will affect others, either positively or negatively.  For the former, I'm excited and thrilled that changes I make can cause a chain reaction of good things for other people too.  For the latter, I'm doing my best to minimize the negative impact my choices make, while still realizing that if the impact to some seems negative, perhaps they have a lesson which will come out of it and turn their lives in a better direction too.

Little signs along the way are assuring me that what I'm doing is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, and will, ultimately, bring good things to a lot of people, either directly or indirectly.  The Universal headslaps seem to have stopped for the moment, and have been replaced by a lot of "attaboys".  I feel like my former, one woman cheerleading squad has expanded and is an entire team, complete with human towers, flips, leaps and mid-air twists. 

The air around me is so charged with energy that I have a tough time seeing where I stop and everything else begins.  When I focus on sealing my field, it keeps slipping out from under the seal and spreading further out.  Often, these days, I feel like my energy field fills an entire room!  At one point, I tried to pull it in so it wasn't risking annoying someone who might be more sensitive, but that was a battle I lost stupendously!  This energy wants to run amok, and I am not the woman to thwart it right now. 

What's a girl to do when her own energy takes charge?  Strap herself in and hold on for a wild ride!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful to be allowed to positively impact other people.
2. I am grateful for the large influx of work that is coming my way.
3. I am grateful for clearing more of my time for writing.
4. I am grateful for the plethora of story ideas I have scattered all over the place.
5. I am grateful for my skepticism as it keeps me from taking everything I read too seriously.

Love and light

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

October 29, 2013 Making positive changes

As I'm gearing up for some rather dramatic changes in my life, I'm noticing a wonderful upswing in my level of joy.  Not only that, I'm already seeing how the changes I'm implementing in my own life are also impacting the lives of others in one way or another.  I ran across this today and felt that it pretty much summed things up: 

I am certainly believing in possibilities these days, and allowing for any form they might decide to take without overthinking how they should turn out.  I'm finding that, once the initial shock of the balls I've put in play wore off, my confidence in the success of whatever I undertake becomes, not so much that it will be, but how high I can go!

I've really taken to heart what I've been reading lately about setting the plan but allowing the details to fall in place and to just be ready to kick yourself into high gear when things start to flow.  What I'm seeing now is not so much if finding enough, but more of being able to keep up with the influx and to know when to allow some opportunities to pass me by so that I can focus on the ones which are best aligned with where I want and need to go.

When I present my plan to my friends and family, I'm met with nothing but positive responses and well wishes.  And the Universe is, instead of giving me head slaps for a change, giving me high fives and very strong indications that "By Jove, I think you've got it now!"

I'm almost tempted to jump the gun with regard to my time frame, but know that my plan, at least in that regard, is based on very sound reasoning as well as respect for those who will be impacted once this train starts to pick up steam.  In fact, I see yet another lesson in patience coming at me, full speed, this time!

I'm also finding that when an idea first forms which means stepping outside our comfort zone, one of the first things we feel upon contemplating that first step is a frisson of fear.  If we can work ourselves past that, keeping positive thoughts as to the ultimate outcome, the fear, though making a few more attempts to convince us to stay right where we are, is quickly vanquished by a combination of holding positive visions of the outcome and turning off the part of our brains which launches the "what if" scenarios. 

Essentially, but making ourselves believe in the best possible outcome, fear has nothing on which to feed and ultimately dies.  This is where the magic begins!  That happy, little positive outcome thought attracts more happy, little positive outcome thoughts and as they continue to attract more of their kind, quite before we know it, that germ of an idea has sprung forth, full grown, and much more well-rounded than that which gave birth to it. 

Just as a snowball rolling down a hill picks up more snow as it continues its trek, so, too, does that germ of an idea as it attracts other ideas and feeds off of the positive thoughts which are sent to it when the idea is shared.  Those positive thoughts might also attract other ideas to make it better, or help from unexpected quarters.  But whatever it attracts which makes it better, bigger, more viable or more far-reaching, it is what turns the sale of a few pendants into a billion dollar business, or a blog into a book, or any number of amazing transformations.

Above all, everyone has it in them to create such transformations.  All we have to do is shut off the fear and allow the positivity and the ideas to come in instead!

I feel a little bit like one of those really happy couples who just want everyone to be happy like them!  My ideas are humming along, gathering momentum and support and are getting ready to burst forth in a form I couldn't even imagine when the first idea was formed, but which is so much better and more practicable than I could have imagined!  Now I want everyone to understand how it works, and to take a chance on themselves!

I realize this isn't realistic, but I do know that I'll make a point of encouraging others to follow their ideas and believe in themselves!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the love and support my wild-ass ideas are getting right now.
2. I am grateful that by making a positive change in my life, I am able to give others something with which to make a positive change in theirs...and so on and so on and so on...
3. I am grateful for the people who are reading what I write, as I feel the positivity they send as well, and it just adds more fuel to my ever-growing bonfire.
4. I am grateful that I'm getting closer every day.
5. I am grateful that my life gives me so many things to laugh about, and so many people to laugh with so that we just keep filling up that joy bubble to bursting, when it sends a whole bunch of little joy bubbles out in the world to touch even more people!

Love and light

October 28, 2013 Just another day in Paradise

Today was a day of organizing, then relaxing to try to ease a backache which had plagued me most of the day, then about 3 hours of intense activity while I made the week's meals, cleaned out sandboxes and put out the week's trash. 

What completely baffles me is that when I started doing the chores, I had been half falling asleep, but after jumping around for the last couple of hours, I find that I'm now nearly as wired as I am after a night of dancing!  The only time exercise doesn't seem to wire me instead of exhausting me is when I actually get one of my gym workouts in (which, obviously, I did not tonight).  Driving home, knowing I should go to the gym, all I could think about was how much I needed to get done tonight and how much my back hurt!  So, the gym lost, but back is feeling better and chores are done.  I don't have to scrounge for something to eat tomorrow as it's all neatly stacked on the bottom shelf in my refrigerator and it means I eat healthy for the rest of the week!

But this isn't what I intended to blog about tonight (as if I ever intend to write anything and manage to adhere solely to that intention!).  I saw a graphic tonight which tied in so closely with a conversation I'd had with my daughter last night that I knew it had to be part of tonight's post. 

I don't recall the full conversation, but the gist of it was that I had not raised her to conform with other people's beliefs and expectations.  Thinking about it and the cattle prod that's been poking at me for years to find a way to follow my passion, I realize that I was ill-equipped to raise a child to conform anyway.  I've always been a misfit, occasionally trying to fit my round peg into their square hole, always with results deemed unsatisfactory by both sides of the equation.  I finally realized, a few years back, that I was meant to not fit into anyone's idea of normal.

I was meant to have my head in the clouds and my feet loosely planted on the ground.  I was meant to see pictures in the clouds which were nothing like what anyone else saw.  I was meant to drop into my super conscious and let the words come out in whatever random, haphazard fashion they might wish, and rearrange them into some semblance of order once they were all out.

And I was meant to raise daughters who were free thinkers, stubborn, opinionated and out of the ordinary.  That is just who we are.  Doing something for the sole purpose of pleasing someone else just isn't in our nature.  When we do something, it comes from the heart and, though pleasing someone else might be secondary, it's a lot more meaningful because we are doing it from the love in our heart rather than the obligation of our mind.

But it isn't just me.  Most of my friends are what I might call "quirky", as well.  But what they really are is very interesting people who couldn't be boring if they wanted to.  They look at life from their own perspective and don't expect validation because they validate themselves.

I think the need for acceptance is what drives people to try to do and be what others expect.  Though there was a time when I needed outside acceptance, I've finally discovered that once I fell in love with myself, that's the only acceptance I needed.  That self-love allows me to just be true to myself, and as a result, I'm a more genuine person to others.

I lived a lot of years, watching my mother put on different faces for different situations, never really knowing who the true woman I called "Mom" was.  To this day, I don't think I know who she truly was!

Unconsciously, this further stimulated my need to be my own person first, and accepted by people, only if it was right for me and them.  If not, we can still be friendly, but that wonderful, electric connection isn't there.

I've accepted that I am not going to connect with everyone and, in fact, there are quite a few I out and out rub the wrong way.  They don't get me and I don't get them, but what I do get is that it is quite all right that we are running at cross purposes.  Both of our purposes are important, and there's nothing that says our purposes have to mesh.

I treasure that individuality in myself and I treasure it even more in my friends because that's where I get to learn new things!  Maybe the fact that I spent my early years in the 60's when individuality was valued and praised.  I took that influence with me through life.  It hasn't always been an easy road I've chosen for myself, but it's always been, if not interesting and enjoyable, at least it's been challenging and I've learned a lot!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for people who accept us for our differences.
2. I am grateful that I don't feel the need to conform.
3. I am grateful for my quirky, unusual, always interesting friends.
4. I am grateful that I'm finally winding down from my cooking and cleaning frenzy.
5. I am grateful that I'm one day closer to achieving my heart's desire.

Love and light.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

October 27, 2013 Revisiting gratitude

As far as I'm concerned, I cannot be grateful too much.  I find reasons to be grateful in the smallest of things, though today was not one of the small things!  I had an amazing evening with friends, chatting, dancing, sharing wonderful food, and celebrating another friend's milestone of 60 years in this human existence!  What could be better?  Finding this on my Facebook page tonight! 

But I would like to add "and end it with one as well!"

As most of us have discovered, abundance attracts abundance, gratitude attracts more of what you're grateful for, and love attracts love.

I was fortunate enough, tonight, to share not only wonderful company, but warm, from the depths of the heart, hugs.  I got to reconnect with an old friend, and laugh, joke and celebrate with others.  I especially love these (sort of) away from dancing social events because it allows me an opportunity to get to know my dance friends just a little better!  When we're at one of the dance clubs, our focus is on the dancing, and the volume is typically too loud to hold much of a conversation anyway.  We put our energy into the joy of the dance, and although we are most definitely connected, we're not getting to see that wonderful, inner person we all are!

But take us away from the clubs, and even if there happens to be some dancing, we still get that precious time together to share another piece of ourselves and to learn how much more we all have in common besides the dancing and the music.

So yes, I begin each day with a grateful heart (though it would take a really sad person not to when awakened by my pile of fluffballs wanting cuddles and snuggles!) and I make a point of looking for the small things, and waging mini celebrations all day long.  (ask my daughter some time about my green light song.  Though she'll probably roll her eyes first!)

People might call me odd or strange, but I'll bet those who do don't enjoy the littlest things in life nearly as much as I do!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for all of the little things in my life, because, simple math will tell you that a plethora of little things very quickly becomes a plethora of big things!
2. I am grateful for the time I was fortunate enough to spend with family, friends and people I just met this evening.  They were all truly delightful and filled my joy meter to the top and then some!
3. I am grateful for Loki's continuing improvements and am especially grateful to have my loud, obnoxious, loveable little troublemaker showing very definite signs of feeling better than she has in awhile.
4. I am grateful for the ability to visualize perfection until perfection has to be.
5. I am grateful that I found a dress for my reunion with a minimum of pain, and an enjoyable afternoon with my daughter.

Love and light.

October 27, 2013 A night of weird dreams

Today was one of those mornings when I woke from my dreams thinking "Huh???".

All of them seemed to be taking place on a school campus, but it kept shifting between elementary and high school.

In one, I saw my daughter Jenni speaking to a woman and walked over to say hello.  She put out her hand and "introduced" herself to me using her full, given name which is odd as she's been so insistent about using her middle name for years now.  The woman she was talking to, out of the blue, suggested we go sit on the lawn and pray.  I calmly explained to her that we aren't the praying type, and she just accepted it and went on her way.

In the next one, the entire campus was walking over to a grassy area for some kind of presentation.  As we walked, there were spots on the grass which were lighting up in various patterns and words, and I found myself thinking that it must have taken them a long time to get it all set up, yet none of it and been there the day before.  When we got to the area, there were video clips on screens depicting mothers whose children had been poisoned by vaccines and food additives.  There were piles of boxes containing candy and other foods on the tables.  The ingredients on the outside of the boxes looked pretty healthy, but when you opened the boxes, there was a completely different list of ingredients, most of which were highly toxic. 

The man in charge of this program started talking and a number of us found that he was nothing more than a snake oil salesman.  We challenged what he was saying and he went into a rant about how he had worked with all of the government agencies.  His claim was that if it was brown, he'd worked with them.  (this didn't really make sense to me in the dream, nor does it now).  His shirt was covered with engraved badges in black stock with white lettering.  The only one I remember reading said "FBI".  He talked about how he had worked at Rocketdyne for a number of years as well.  (a lot of this sounds pretty random and it did in the dream as well.) 

I grabbed one of the boxes and took it to the school office.  I wanted to find out who had cleared this man to speak on campus, and to make them aware of what he was really about.  I spoke to the Vice Principal who said that Kay and Luke had already brought him an even worse example than the one I showed him, and that he was shutting the guy down.  I also voiced my concerns about him speaking on other campuses and was assured that word had been sent out to other schools in the state via some kind of school-wide network.

I then found myself in a car with a couple of women and one of them was telling me that she loved this guy's products and fed her kids his spaghetti sauce all the time.  I asked her if she even read the real ingredients and she had some weird explanation.  As I sat in the car, a jar of spaghetti sauce popped open and spilled all over the floor.  I exited the car at that point, neglecting to mention the spilled sauce.  I remember the thought crossing my mind that just the smell of the sauce might have some kind of mind altering properties to it.

A lot of things in this dream didn't really make sense to me but at the top of the list was the purpose of my presence on this school campus.  I was neither student, teacher nor parent, and yet I seemed to belong there, as did many other adults who were among the most vocal in exposing this man for what he really seemed to be doing.  After we had voiced our concerns, we went back to our jobs.  Mine suddenly had a large number of research projects on which I was working with extensive staffs.  As the projects piled up, I found myself feeling overwhelmed, but then chastised myself for not using slack time I'd had to get ahead on some things I knew were coming up.  After that, I just geared myself up to work some long hours in order to get ahead of all of my projects.

Although I'm not making much sense of any of this, I felt a sense of urgency to get it documented while it was still fresh in my brain.  I trust that, in time, some of it will allow me to form some kind of connection with things I need to be aware of in the coming weeks. 

Interestingly, Toby kept waking me up at critical points in the dreams so that I was sure to remember parts of them.  Accident or Universal design?

I'm not adding gratitudes to this post as it is more of a brain dump of my dreams, and I'll put up a "real" post later tonight.

A final thought occurred to me just before I hit the "publish" button.  I had a sandwich with rye bread for lunch yesterday and half a wrap sandwich with onion rings last night for dinner.  Could the dream just be my brain telling me that what I had eaten yesterday was poisonous for my body?

Love and light.

October 26, 2013 Halloweening

What a fun night, dancing and playing dress up!  I guess some parts of childhood never grow old.  As always, there were a lot of cute costumes at the bar where I dance, though the crowd was light since a lot of people were either at the Zac Brown concert or at parties of their own.  It did leave us more room to dance which I will never complain about, and I did get some two-steppin' and couples dancing in, enough to make me come home with sore feet, but what a way to go!

I did have a rather odd experience upon arriving home.  Not long after I walked through the door, I became very sick to my stomach.  Although it passed, I'm still feeling slightly queasy.   I could attribute it to something I ate, but the last thing was several hours ago.  It wasn't the pit in the stomach, something's not right kind of nauseaus, but rather, the "don't get between me and the bathroom because I'm going to hurl!" kind of nauseous.  Thankfully, it passed before the hurling part got a chance to materialize!

What a busy weekend!  I went shopping with Heather today and quickly found a dress for my reunion.  In fact, though I had to buy a larger size, it wasn't as large as I expected, and the process was actually relatively painless.  Since we got done so quickly, we went to a place I'd never been for lunch called "The Yard House".  They had absolutely yummy ahi steak sandwiches which we both thoroughly enjoyed!

Then it was back home to do a couple of chores before getting ready to go dancing.  Tomorrow brings the usual grocery shopping and errands, but we also get to go to a birthday party, complete with a live band and more dancing!  Woo hoo!!!  And it's one of my favorite bands, which is even better!  Of course, this means I have to add a couple of stops to my list of errands tomorrow, and I really want to get in a workout at the gym, so I must increase efficiency!

I did get about an hour's worth of writing in today that was not blogging!  I'm trying really hard to start getting into the habit of writing something which could, eventually, turn into a book each and every day.  Let's call it, setting a new habit (despite the fact that my gym habit is in the process of being re-established since I fell off the wagon, so to speak) and this one brings me great joy, even as I sit in front of my computer, struggling to pull words out of my head!

I'm getting a lot of email now from publishers offering self-publishing packages, writing groups offering seminars and workshops and all manner of related organizations.  It will simply be a matter of weeding through them and determining which, if any, will be beneficial to me in the next few months.  No decisions need to be made at this particular moment, so I'll continue to do my research and filter out those which are less likely to bring any value to what I'm doing. 

So the journey continues, though the path has taken a new direction, it's all for the good.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the good times with my family and friends.
2. I am grateful for inspiration which had me dressing up for Halloween after all.
3. I am grateful for being able to come home after a long, eventful, tiring day and just snuggle with my kitties whose only real demands involve "skritch me over here...a little to the left, please.  Ahhh, just right!"
4. I am grateful for hot showers after working my muscles over much.
5. I am grateful for all of the people who inspire and encourage me to live my passion.

Love and light.

Friday, October 25, 2013

October 25, 2013 It's about Time

Many of us spend our lives living according to someone else's schedule...someone else's alarm clock.

First, our parents set our schedules, then our schools and finally, our jobs.

As children, we attend school which begins and ends at specific times.  We take breaks, recesses and lunches at the same time every day.  As we progress through the school system, we also change classes at a specific time, study certain subjects at certain times, and so it goes on.

Life progresses (or does it?) and we live in accordance with our employer's time requirements, arriving at work in compliance with their expectations, working a certain amount of hours, often taking our lunch at a time they specify rather than when we feel hungry or ready for a break.

I raise this subject because, for the last few days, I've had a devil of a time waking on "time" to make it to work "on time".   The days are getting shorter as the season changes from Summer to Fall, heading straight for Winter.  The mornings have been overcast, further causing my internal clock to insist that it is too early to get up.  Then I rush around like a crazy person, forgetting things and having so skip others in order to get to work at least close to my starting time.  Where does it all end (and hopefully, while we're still alive to enjoy it!)?

Our ancestors lived their lives by the rising and setting of the sun.  Certainly, their lives were physically a lot harder than ours are today, as they lacked the electric, electronic and gasoline powered conveniences we have today.  But they listened to their bodies when it came to waking and sleeping, working and playing and just getting the job done.

Most of the time, my body says that while it's dark, it wants to either sleep or snuggle a little longer with the cats.  (one of whom took it upon himself to instigate a game of "hide the glasses" this morning in an effort to keep me home a little longer!  If a cat could laugh, the sight of me groping around on the nightstand, and, subsequently, under the bed where said glasses were finally located, surely caused more than a little kitty amusement this morning!) 

I would get up, medicate and feed the cats and pour my first cup of coffee before sitting down at the computer to answer mail and plan out my day.  A quick shower, insertion of contacts and breakfast would follow, as I followed up on any correspondence, figured out when I needed to be out of the house, including gym visits, and jumped into the task at hand, whether it be accounting or writing.

My schedule would allow for a quick task change if either someone needed my services immediately, due to unforeseen circumstances, or if my muse was more insistent than usual that I get an idea down on paper (or, in my case, screen).

Clearly, I'd still have a loosely set routine that was, in some way, tied to time, but the schedule would be more of my own making.  Some days, I might work on my various jobs from 7 in the morning until, maybe 3 in the afternoon.  Other days, it might be 9 AM to midnight.  But the time would be of my own choosing, or that of the part of me which takes off with mad abandon on topics like time or phases of the moon, or whatever might strike my fancy from one day to the next.

I might knock out a short story in an hour or so or struggle over a single chapter for my latest novel for days on end.  But it wouldn't matter, because my time would still be my own to manage.

This is more than just a perfect day I'm imagining longingly.  It is a perfect life from start to finish.

Granted, the reliance on someone else's schedule has been part of what has brought me here, now.  I've realized that it suits me about as well as wearing a brand new pair of high heels, every single day.  I want to kick off the time constraints as much or more than I'd want to kick off those damned heels! (To put this in perspective, those who know me realize that I almost never wear heels, and, in fact, opt for sandals or bare feet most of the time!)

As luck would have it, my friend, Liz, posted this on Facebook this morning, and I found it as I hit a lull in my writing:  

Seeing this, I realized that a good part of why we allow others to schedule our time is fear.  We are afraid to be left to our own devices to make sure we accomplish what we are meant to.  We are afraid to set our own schedule, set our own expectations, and even set our limits...or not!

I further realized that I, too, lived with a lot of fear and as a result, bought into the expectations of others with regard to my time.

Doing so was not entirely a bad thing as, like everything else, it has been part of my growth process, and I have learned so much while following this process.  In fact, I've learned enough to understand that it doesn't have to be this way, but only I can make the choice and put forth the effort to change it.
Yes, for now, I'm still living my life, or at least part of it, in accordance with someone else's schedule, but I know that I've put things in place so that it won't be a permanent affliction.

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the lessons I've learned which allow me to make changes in my life.
2. I am grateful for the people who have come into my life in the last year or so who are helping me open my eyes to new possibilities.
3. I am grateful for the resources I have developed which give me options I could not have imagined even five years ago!
4. I am grateful for the love and support I feel more and more strongly each and every day.
5. I am grateful for having been able to find my glasses this morning, despite Dylan's best efforts.

Love and light.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

October 24, 2013 A disturbing phenomenon

I experienced something rather disturbing tonight as I tried to seal my field while dancing.  Each time I set the seal, my energy field expanded, slipping out from the confines of the seal.  No matter how hard I tried to get the seal around the energy, it just kept slipping out. 

I noticed that I felt rather fatigued this evening, but the old chicken and the egg question is: was I tired because I was struggling to seal my field or was I struggling to seal my field because I was tired?

Either way, a good night's sleep won't do me any harm, and with a busy weekend ahead of me, it's probably just as well.

Nothing seems to be holding my focus right now, and I can only surmise that everything has assumed a holding pattern until I can get everything in place.  Meanwhile, I'm inspired to finish organizing my office, so I will likely pick up that task over the next few weeks, in between working on some writing projects and doing a bit of research.

As I find myself at a loss for words, I'll end this evening's post with my usual gratitudes:

1. I am grateful for an abundance of energy, albeit beyond my control at the moment.
2. I am grateful for confidence in risky decisions.
3. I am grateful for the support my friends give me, no matter what I might decide to do.
4. I am grateful for my dance evenings, even when I cut them a bit shorter than usual.
5. I am grateful for my warm, soft bed which awaits me, and is most likely already full of cats.

Love and light.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

October 23, 2013 Itchy, twitchy and out of sorts

I woke up this morning to a foggy, overcast day and a feeling that I needed to stay away from people.  As I'd chosen to ignore my good sense and done my Monday night trash duty shoe-less, I was rewarded with a painfully swollen bruise on my left heel, courtesy of a small rock between the paved driveway and my trash cans.  As icing and elevation seemed to relieve some of the symptoms last night, I decided to continue the therapy and work from home.

Thankfully, the cats found it necessary to stay close most of the time (though, at the moment, I'm actually alone), but the further into the day I get, the more jumpy and twitchy I become.

I decided to do a past-present-future tarot spread with the question of my plans for the next month or two in the forefront of my mind.  The cards I pulled, at first glance, were significant, but not compellingly so...until I started doing some research.  Here they are, in the order they appeared:

The first card I pulled was the Five of Cups indicating that an emotional attachment to multiple things has been, or is in the process of, being subject to upheaval.  In the end, only two, which are clearly near and dear to my heart, will remain undamaged, and perhaps, stronger for the culling of the rest.   Those remaining are blessed by Divine Light and are part of my true path.  I am experiencing a certain amount of inner turmoil with regard to those things I will, ultimately release.

The second card I pulled was the Star:   This is a card of hope and beauty, and one where all things thrive under divine light.  The archetype of the great blue heron seen in this card is of self-reliance, of making one's own way, and of living in unconventional fashions.  A person with a heron-like archetype might make their living in an unconventional way, doing a bunch of odd jobs instead of working for a single employer.  Borrowing from speakerfortheanimals.blogspot.com:
"Since as fishers of these waters our attention is constantly drawn back to the treasures of the Unconscious, we tend to lose interest in the matters other humans focus upon. We are not the most stable workers, or attentive spouses, or normal neighbors. We tend to be more than a little eccentric, preoccupied, inwardly turned people. We’re dreamers, liars, creating things out of our discoveries, imagining new things to be and do. We’re deeply engaged with exploring our naturalness, learning to know our bodies, or exploring Divine Nature. We’re unconventional, hearing our own inner drummer. We don’t worry about ‘keeping up with the Jones’s, doing what others do, believing what others believe, valuing what others value. If there is a weakness, it is that Heron works too hard at its fishing because he is a superb ‘stalker.’ He spends long hours standing and watching for a movement in the water, and needs sometimes to ‘loosen up’ and spend more time playing, courting lady herons or just snoozing in the Sun."
I find this sums up a great deal of my current restlessness, as I know I'm feeling dreadfully constrained by what society might term "honoring my responsibilities".

The water lilies, or lotuses at her feet are a symbol of hope and of purity and innocence. as well as fertility, rebirth and wellness.  All of these resonate with my desire to write more and, ultimately have my work published.   I also found, while researching the card's symbolism that some cultures believe that the lotus was once a star, thus connecting heaven and earth with the star in the heavens and the star which has come to reside on Earth.

The last card I pulled was the Hierophant, the fifth card in the Major Arcana:

 This card symbolizes the connection between our earthly selves and the Divine.  It also symbolizes peace and harmony.  I also see it as a card which promises a mentor to aid me in the transitions I will be making with my life over the next month or two.    It is especially significant in the Future position as it indicates a strong pull towards someone with great wisdom who will give me guidance. 

The card contains the symbol for the astrological sign, Virgo, which is my Moon sign and which is ruled by Mercury, as is my sun sign, Gemini.

Also of significance, here, is that both my past and future cards carry the number 5.  

The number 5 is the symbol of Mercury (funny how that works, eh?) which is also characteristic of both the Hierophant and the astrological sign this card contains.

The number 5 is balance, a blend of the numbers for male and female and a balance between heaven and earth (or Earth and the Divine).  

Sitting here, analyzing the cards, researching the meaning of the symbolism contained therein and noting the connections between the cards I pulled, I am starting to feel less anxious.  It appears that what I've been told in the last few days is pretty much spot on.  There is a certain amount of turmoil which is building in my life right now, and if I don't take action myself to discard what is no longer needed, the choice will be taken from me and those things will be discarded for me.  The best option I have is to be proactive, start putting things in place for what I know is coming, and jump in with both feet, knowing that I am definitely on the right path, provided I am true to myself. 

I won't be completely alone in this new endeavor as there are guides and teachers along the way.  My job will be to open myself to what they have to offer, becoming the proverbial sponge and absorbing as much as I can from each person who is provided to me, in whatever capacity that might be.

I don't know if it was the process of researching the symbolism on the cards or just getting a reality check on where I'm going and what I'm doing which has settled me down, not completely, but so that I'm not ready to jump out of my skin any more.  Maybe now, the cats will rejoin me.  I think my edginess was starting to make their whiskers twitch and they needed to get away from the energy bombs I started, unconsciously, throwing about. 

I am looking forward, with almost equal parts elation and trepidation, with the coming cycle which will involve throwing off the old and embracing the new. 

I did say I liked E ticket rides! :)

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the wealth of information which is at my disposal.
2. I am grateful for the tools I have which allow me to sift through the information overload to reach the gem buried deeply within.
3. I am grateful for my friends and family who encourage me, even if they don't realize they're doing so.
4. I am grateful for continued inspiration and motivation to just write.
5. I am grateful for the calming energy I'm receiving from my cats as I would be spinning out of control by now without it.

Love and life.

Monday, October 21, 2013

October 21, 2013 Messages I receive from unrelated sources

I came away from my class this weekend feeling energized, extremely positive, motivated and with a couple of new mantras I'll be using for my pre-bedtime sleep meditations.  But when I got up this morning, feeling like I had slept really late, only to find that it was barely 9:30 (really late to me is usually 10:30 or 11 at least), feeling all warm and snuggly as I had been cuddling with Dylan while he purred happily, occasionally giving my face a little washing, I found this on my Facebook page, and it filled me with Joy as it completely resonates with where I am right now.  Of course, that meant, to me, that it had to be shared!  
In part, it's because I know that soon, I will be letting go of more stuff that no longer serves me, just as I have been decluttering my life and my home for some time now, but in part, the colors and the shapes spoke to me.  I'm not sure why, but I can see the Tree of Life barely hidden within the angles, and within the tree of life, the seven major chakras as well.  Had I pulled this as a card from an angel or tarot deck, I would have been instantly moved by the power, both hidden and obvious, that it contains.  I find myself drawn into the picture, wanting to stare at it for long periods of time, wishing to understand all of the symbolism it contains, but knowing that my limited experience won't be able to discern all of the power manifesting in the image.  
It seems, though, that I don't have to completely understand the symbolism to feel and yes, be affected by the power  the structure of the image contains.  It is enough, for now, to feel that power, to allow myself to both surrender to and absorb that power, and to share it with anyone with whom it may also resonate.  

It is also clear that I need to take careful inventory of what in my life is necessary for my continued growth and what is not, and be courageous enough to trim those branches which are no longer healthy and strong.  It is far better for me to prune them now than to wait for a windstorm which indiscriminately rips off branches for me.  Better to selectively prune to strengthen the whole than to, later, lose things which could have been preserved had I removed what is currently hindering their growth and keeping them from becoming the strong, bearing walls of my being they are intended to be.
I feel very strongly that I have reached the end of a cycle, and must clear the way for the new one to emerge, strongly and fully.  The old cycle is like the chrysalis,  a place where life is transformed, where there is a period of seeming dormancy before the beauty of the butterfly emerges, full of new life, soaring high and traveling far.  My chrysalis is very close to breaking open to allow my inner butterfly to fly free, but holding certain things too closely and fearfully will prevent the butterfly from emerging, healthy and fully formed. 
Of course, timing is everything, and jumping too soon is as bad as waiting too long.  Finding that perfect moment to make changes, and making sure that some safeguards or preparations have been made first are going to ensure the butterflies ability to grow and thrive.  
Just as a teacher doesn't stand before their class to lecture without preparing their material first, just as a salesperson doesn't stand in front of a potential customer without knowing her product, and more, the customer's needs, so, too, must I do my own research, look for potential and for challenges as well, and plan, as best I can, for the possibilities.  
In the end, though, I will be where I want to be, living on my own terms, and living very, very well!  I look forward to many perfect days!

My gratitudes are:
1. I am grateful for inspiration, whatever its source.
2. I am grateful for encouragement and support which is coming to me from many directions and in larger and larger doses.
3. I am grateful for all I am learning about facilitating healing.
4. I am grateful for all I am learning about myself.
5. I am grateful for lazy mornings that no longer morph into lazy afternoons.

Love and light.


Sunday, October 20, 2013

October 20, 2013 The Perfect Day

Yesterday, I was challenged to describe my perfect day,. and so, my friends, it is going to come in the form of a short story (I hope).

                                                      The Perfect Day

I wake shortly after the sun comes up with Dylan wrapped around my head, purring softly.  Toby's enormous bulk is sprawled across my stomach while he shoves his head into my hand, leaving no doubt as to what he requires.  Loki sits on my chest, living up to her second name, Chatty Catty, as she tries to convince me she's starving, despite the ever present feeder and her last can of wet food, less than 10 hours ago. 

Meanwhile, Munchkin has plastered herself to my left leg, and Scooby, in true Tigger fashion is bouncing around on the bed, rocking his collar bell.

As I slowly reach consciousness, a smile crosses my face as I review the next chapter for my latest book which came together while I slept. 

Wandering to the kitchen to feed the little darlings, I nearly trip over Patches who has jumped off the sofa and is doing her little stiff-legged dance to assure me that, she, too, is starving!  Not to be outdone, I run the regular morning obstacle course as Hailey and Cinders, rat catchers extraordinaire, wind in and out of my legs as I make my way to the cabinet in the garage where the seemingly (to them anyway!) endless supply of wet food is stored.

After attending to the most important task of the day, I grab my first cup of the nectar of life, in all of it's brown, beany glory, toss in some hazelnut creamer, grab a carton of yogurt and head for my office. 

Going through my emails, I read through a couple of requests for short stories or magazine articles, update my agent on the progress of my latest book and send out reminders to some of my clients to get their work to me so I can do the necessary updates.  I might also respond to a couple of inquiries from potential new clients, but the chapter is itching to come out, so I put business aside and open my manuscript file.

Now the fun begins!!!  I release my tenuous hold on conscious thought and allow myself to return to a semi-dream state where the story continues to unfold.  Fingers flying across the keys, I soon have the latest chapter recorded, and am well into the next when the phone buzzes.

My daughter, whose gluten free bakery and cafe opened six months ago, is doing her own Tigger imitation, nearly making the phone vibrate off the desk.  She just received a phone call inviting her to be a contestant on "Cupcake Wars", fulfilling one of her many dreams.  Sharing her excitement (it would be impossible not to!), we discuss the timing, preparation and requirements and I assure her that I will make myself available to do anything she needs.  As quickly as she was in my ear, she's gone, to take care of customers, prepare for the lunch rush and start making lists of things she'll need for "Cupcake Wars".

Taking a few deep breaths and running a few waves of energy up and down my body, I settle back in to write for a couple more hours, finally calling a break after adding four new chapters to my manuscript.

As I have about three hours before I need to meet a possible new client for lunch, I change into workout clothes, grab a bottle of water and head for my workout room to do my regular 20 minutes of cardio and 80 minutes of weights, abs and stretching.  

A couple of my clients have been growing so quickly that they will be needing a full time, in house bookkeeper soon, so after cleaning up from a very sweaty workout, I sit down to do some calculations and determine whether I need to add to my load, or focus more on the writing which, by this time, is starting to bring in more than its share of my monthly income.

Weighing the time needed to finish my book, the increasing number of requests for stories and articles and the time required to bring a new client or two up to speed, I am pleasantly surprised to find that, not only do I not need any new clients, I can afford to see another 3 or 4 move up to a full time bookkeeper!

Thinking back to where I was a year ago, I am still astounded at how quickly things came together once I started visualizing and being grateful for this wonderful, creative life I now have!  Not only is my time my own, but my kitchen is finished, the remodel almost complete, adding nearly 2000 square feet to the house and the most amazing kitchen I've ever seen, but I am completely debt free!

Every morning, I jump out of bed, eager to meet the new day.  My body is healthier than it's ever been, thanks to daily workouts in my home gym (not to mention that evil personal trainer I see three times a week!), and my energy seems boundless!  My cats are all healthy thanks, in no small part to the healing class I completed last year, and continued classes, workshops and retreats I attend to further hone my skills.

I completed and published my book about family suicides, and sales are unbelievable!  I've submitted a work of fiction and am waiting for the edits, I'm working on a second one as well as another self-help book.  My social life has expanded to encompass fellow writers, editors, publishers and other members of the writing community.  My blog has grown to three, each covering its own topic.  And still, I can't type fast enough to keep up with the flow of ideas!  (and that's saying a lot, given my 130+ words a minute typing speed!)

I've even hired a couple of people to help with the accounting business which allowed me to shift gears and write in the first place!  Best of all, I get to sit at my computer and write each and every day!!!

There are even mutterings about a speaking tour, though heaven only knows what I'd find to talk about!

Life is perfect and I can't wait to see what each day brings!

My gratitudes are:
1. I am grateful to the people who saw the spark in me and encouraged me to fan the flames.
2. I am grateful, each and every day, for the continued flow of ideas.
3. I am grateful for the accounting skills and the flow of clients which allow me to follow my dreams.
4. I am grateful for my daughter's amazing success as she, too, follows her dreams.
5. I am grateful for every single challenge I have faced, and will face, making me stronger, better and more resilient.

Love and light.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

October 19, 2013 Resetting, revising, reworking

In keeping with October's message of resetting, I took a couple of days to re-look at what I was writing, where I was going, what my purpose really is and a number of other re's.  As I wasn't ready to solidify anything into words, it meant taking a couple of days off from blogging.

But never fear!  My disappearances never last for long any more, and with the help of my A.R.T. classmates and teacher, I am back on track, even better than before.  I have some ideas about putting some plans in motion and have reached the end of not only my ability, but my desire to keep making excuses for neglecting my passion. 

There will be some significant changes in the next couple of months with a lot of the energy which, by now, just about everyone is feeling in one way or another, being responsible for those changes. 

In my case, it is becoming, "either start pedaling faster or get the hell out of the way!".  I've decided that I'd rather pedal faster than miss the golden opportunities presenting themselves to me now. 

The good news is, I now know that I can and will have the financial stability I need and the successful writing career that I must have.  The details, for now, are not important, because I refuse to have preconceived notions locked into place which would prevent me from grabbing an unexpected opportunity which jumped out in front of me, yelling "pick me!  PICK ME!!!"  and which is so far beyond my wildest dreams that I would have to jump first and ask questions later. 

I've eliminated all of the negative "what if's" and replaced them with positive "why the hell not?"s. 

The unlikely has become probable, the impossible, likely, and the utterly ridiculous has become "I think that just might work!" 

I will have my one or two days a week to just write...but that is only the beginning.  I will have a flexible schedule which allows for meetings with publishers, writers' workshops, continuing to develop my voice, completion of the book currently in process and at least another two which have been percolating in my brain.  There will be magazine articles and maybe even a newspaper column!  Why should I limit the possibilities?  There are potential opportunities I don't for now, even realize exist, but they are there for me, maybe when I turn the very next corner!

Too many things point to the fact that my purpose. my path, lie in creative avenues, and I am not going to be the one to tell all of those folks in the Universe that I'm going to ignore that one thing which pulls harder on me every day.  It would be like trying to deny gravity!

I have too vivid a picture of starting my day with a cup of fresh coffee on the desk, cats munching happily on their breakfast in the kitchen, and fingers flying across the keyboard as my current story is writing itself almost faster than my fingers can type the words! 

I may lose sight of the outside world for days at a time, but know that family and friends will pull me back if I'm gone too long.  They will also respect the fact that I need to disconnect and feed my muse on a regular basis, or risk having her fickleness dessert me out of spite.  As long as I'm well stocked with coffee, cat food and yogurt, though, all will be well. 

There will be times when the hermit I've become needs to be dragged out for some fresh air and a few turns around a dance floor, or maybe a trip to Disneyland to just be silly.  But even more important will be times when I barely get up from my computer to pee or refill my water glass! 

Of course, I'll have to take those calls and emails from publisher, agent and editor, but that's the cherry on top of my hot fudge sundae, however difficult it might be to gracefully accept their untimely interruptions. 

In the end, I will have made the transition from "writer" to "author" and that, my friends, is what I will be when I grow up!  Above all, my oldest friend will finally get that book tour!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for all of the people in my life who are so very willing to kick me in the butt when I need it.
2. I am grateful that I know what my passion is, even if I haven't worked out all of the details for honoring it.
3. I am grateful for having finally gotten my sacral chakra open as it clears the way for all of that suppressed creativity.
4. I am grateful for the encouragement I'm getting from my cats which only LOOKS like they're telling me to stay at home, sit on the sofa and pay attention to them 24/7.
5. I am grateful for all of the new opportunities that are coming my way, to enable me to pursue my true passion.

Love and light.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

October 16, 2013 Grateful for volunteers.

So this morning I woke from a dream where someone had parked a gun metal gray sedan in my driveway, opened the trunk and pulled out some tools to start fixing something.  I wasn't able to see what they were doing from my kitchen window, and realized that I wasn't properly attired to step outside my front door.  As I awoke from the dream, I was standing there, pondering whether to go out and ask what he was doing, or just let him fix whatever it was he came to fix.   For some reason, this one scene has stayed with me all day today, prompting me to wonder what my subconscious is trying to tell me!

Don't get me wrong.  I won't be looking out my window, waiting for a man in a gray sedan to show up and just start fixing things for me (though it is a nice thought!), but clearly, something pleasant and unexpected could be on the horizon, though the significance of the color gray does escape me for the moment.

Of course, it could also be the obvious explanation; I have a lot of things around the house that need fixing, and in imagining them all being done, it has been on my mind a lot.  But that's the simple, boring explanation!  I prefer to go for the gusto!  (and while we're at it, make sure this unknown handyman is easy on the eyes as well!  A girl can  dream, can't she?)

Other than that, I'm 1 1/2 weeks, or to be accurate, 1 2/3 weeks into re-setting my 3 day a week gym routine.  I feel much better, though I did a lighter back workout tonight having woken with some back pain this morning. 

I've been reading more about ferals and maintaining feral colonies, and am awed by how many people commit to feeding their colonies, doing TNR and ensuring the health of those colonies, including removal, fostering and adoption of the kittens.  I'm humbled by the commitment these people make to keep these cats out of the shelters which, typically, mean certain euthanasia, since ferals aren't typically adoptable.  From the descriptions, my two are about as far from ferals as they could be, and still be outside cats.  Shhh, don't tell anyone about the cat tree and comforter they have in my garage, and the sand box for those rainy days so they don't have to get their tushies wet!

Although I would like to be able to care for a colony, I am not entirely sure that I have what it takes to commit to one, rain or shine, 365 days a year, without fail.  The people who do are, in my opinion, nothing short of amazing! 

And it isn't just the cats.  There are people who fly loads of dogs from one area to another, to give them a better chance of being adopted. 

There are also the organizations like FixNation which take on the expense of not only spaying and neutering ferals, but seeing to their health as well! 

The long and short of it is, when we look at people who devote their time to the welfare of animals, or to those who are seeing that children in our own country don't go hungry, or promoting the needs of foster kids...with so many good, caring people in the world, it doesn't take a whole lot of imagination to divert our focus from the negative things in the world and look, instead, at all of the wonderful things our fellow humans are doing! 

If we all turned our focus to these selfless people and sent them some energy, some joy and some love while turning our backs om the nastiness in the world, think how quickly all of the goodness would flourish and grow while the nastiness would wither away to nothing for lack of attention.  We would, in essence, stop feeding and watering anything which didn't feel good, and without attention, it just couldn't survive. 

I could just make a giant proclamation:  This person sends love, joy and passion to goodness!

That is my current campaign, then.  I hope more people see how this could really make our world a better place!  (and might make about 535 people either wither up and die or re-discover their inner goodness!)

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the people who give of themselves to make a better life for others.
2. I am grateful for the strength of love and joy.
3. I am grateful for opportunities around every corner
4. I am grateful for my upcoming four day weekend.
5. I am grateful for dreams which become reality.

Love and light. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

October 15, 2013 Overwhelming gratitude

After a couple of weeks with very low numbers of visitors to my blog, the last few days have filled my heart with joy.  Suddenly, the number of "hits" has doubled and tripled and quadrupled, for, from where I sit, no apparent reason.

I am incredibly grateful to all who stop in to see what comes out of my brain and more, I'm incredibly humbled that you stop by, and that your numbers are increasing!

When I began blogging, it was, primarily, to share on a single topic, but as time has passed, I find that the single topic has expanded to encompass life in general.

I read other blogs and see many people struggling with and sharing their triumphs and disappointments on deeply personal issues like caring for aging parents or special needs children, their own health challenges, or just trying to figure out their way in this world.  Others use their blog to sell a product or service.  But what they all share, from where I sit is that they all have some kind of path or purpose.

In the four years since I began this blog, my purpose, nay, my path, has changed dramatically.  Though I still plan to finish my book, I find that the direction it's taking lately is not what I would have expected when I sat down to write it in the beginning.  At the moment, it spends more time sitting and percolating than in expanding, but as my viewpoint changes and as I pull more deeply buried feelings out of myself, the approach to the subject of my parents' suicides goes through an evolution as well.

In the meantime, as I'm living and growing, moving forward and falling back,  changing direction or standing still, I am deeply moved and motivated by the people around me.  Everyone with whom I interact, no matter how minutely, impacts my life in unexpected ways.

What I'm trying to say here, and stumbling badly over the words, is that I'm becoming more and more aware of how interconnected we are, not only the humans, but everything around us.

When I focus on giving healing energy to my cat, Loki, trying to clear the dead cells from her kidneys and open them up to receive new growth, I'll find that Dylan has laid his paw on my arm, in his own way, adding energy to the healing.

When I drive to work and see another driver show courtesy to someone ahead of me, I feel gratitude and joy for the selfless act, regardless of the fact that it doesn't directly impact me.  When someone is discourteous to me, I wish for them to receive courtesy from someone else so they can experience that courtesy as a receiver.

The successes and triumphs I read about on the internet or see on television, bring joy to my heart, even though the people may be strangers to me, because those triumphs help fill the well of positive energy to overflowing.  When that well is kept full, we can wash away the disharmonious actions of some far more easily.  We can heal rifts and repair damage to ourselves, our environment, people around us...heck, we can heal the earth with some well-placed positive thoughts!

This is why my blog has evolved and has, seemingly, left its original purpose behind.  (not to mention times like this where I start to type, then seem to detach my body from my brain so that what comes through my fingers is inspired by something far greater than this simple human that I am.) 

This is also why I am exceedingly grateful to all who support and promote this little corner of the world I call mine.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the the continually improving health of Patches and Loki, thanks, in no small part to the efforts of my daughter and son-in-law to maintain strict regimens of medication and fluids.
2. I am grateful for any small impact I am making on someone else's world.
3. I am grateful for all of the small kindnesses I see in my fellow humans every day.
4. I am grateful for the love and kindness inherent in every human being.  Some of us just have to work harder to find it, but the gem is all the more precious for having had to work for it.
5. I am grateful for cuddle time after a long day.

Love and light.

October 14, 2013 Here we are again, loving ourselves!

Here I am, once again, sitting in front of a blank screen with an equally blank mind.  Oh, sure, I could wax eloquent for about 3 lines about predictions for the next week or so involving releasing and allowing things to just fall apart.

Or I could go on about my daughter's amazing baked goods that have everyone kvelling and drooling. 
Then, there is the daily process of medicating and feeding my brood.

But what I really want to talk about is sleep.  We do a lot of it in our lives, some really restful and some downright frustrating. 

Thankfully, between writing in this blog, energy work and just learning how to release the day's trials and tribulations (not to mention, minimizing those erstwhile trials and tribulations), aside from those middle of the night nature calls inherent with the aging process, I tend to sleep rather well these days.  Some of the felines wish I slept a little less soundly as their attention alarms go off in the middle of the night, but I'm very grateful for the restful sleeps I am able to enjoy. 

Having reinstated my gym workouts and returned to healthier eating habits doesn't hurt either.

The truth is, the better we treat our bodies, the happier they are, and the more likely we are to have deep, restful sleeps.  The cat-like side of my nature really enjoys those curling up in a ball, wrapped around a pillow, cats piled on kind of sleep.  It is definitely one of those pleasures I give myself every day. 

But no matter how well we treat our bodies, just like our children, they thrive on love. 

I read a lot of things which point to loving ourselves and showing that love, but some of it really seems rather silly, until it becomes a habit, at which time, you wonder how you ever did without it.
I saw this mantra on my Facebook wall today, and felt that it epitomizes what I'm trying to say. 

In order to attract those things which feed our highest good, we have to express our love for ourselves.
When I go into the bathroom during the day, I look myself in the mirror while washing my hands and say something like "Wow!  Your skin is looking so clear and beautiful today!"  or perhaps, "Your hair is so shiny today!  It is simply gorgeous!"

What you say isn't really significant.  How you say it, however, can make or break what you're trying to convey.

If what you say to yourself is full of love, sincerity and passion, the message will get through, loud and clear, and you might even see yourself glowing a little brighter, standing a little straighter, and better still, feeling more loved!

There are a million opportunities in our lives to be torn down, belittled, made to feel insignificant...but if the one person closest to us speaks only words of kindness, respect and praise, how can we not respond to such encouragement.

I will, once again, return to one of my favorites.  While looking in the mirror say "You are beautiful, sexy and delicious!"  

Feel free to embellish this with other words which make you feel good about yourself.  The delightful side effect to this one is that by starting your day on such a high note, those cranky pants in your life will have a really tough time dimming your sparkle!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the love I've learned to feel and express for myself. 
2. I am grateful that I have learned that nobody has the right or the power to dim my sparkle.
3. I am grateful for daily reminders to hold myself in high regard.
4. I am grateful for another wonderful night's sleep.
5. I am grateful for my happy, healthy, fit, perfect body!

Love and light. 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

October 13, 2013 Changing focus

I seem to have lost the concept of what a lazy weekend means. 

Not long ago, it meant that I hung out in my pajamas, or a reasonable facsimile, all day, snuggling with the cats, reading or playing a game on the computer, maybe taking a nap...the usual lazy day things.

Not so, this weekend.  Oh, it started out that way, at least after my Friday night gym visit.  But something in me, rather than circumstances, conspired to make it relaxing but not lazy. 

Saturday found me fitting in four loads of laundry, stripping and remaking the bed (no thanks to certain less-than-helpful felines!) and pulling out the compressor to put air in my tires before going dancing.  In the process of stripping the beds, I also ended up doing some vacuuming, to the complete disgust of the aforementioned furballs.

Although I knew Sunday included a vet visit and my usual trek to TJ's for groceries, downloading a few new Mercedes Lackey books was not enough to keep me from cooking for the week, dumping the sandboxes a day early and getting most of the trash into the barrel in preparation for tomorrow night's move to the curb. 

The problem, it seems, is that I'm finding it difficult to sit still for long periods of time.  Even the antics and demands of the cats aren't enough to keep me from getting up every so often and doing something (GASP!) constructive!! 

As near as I can tell, the Universe has moved me from disconnected, detached and somewhat airheaded to "What do you mean, you don't want to do anything but read today???  There are things to do, places to go and people so see!  Get up!  Get UP!  GET UPPPP!!!"

Sheesh!!!  Who needs a conscience when I have the entire Sea of Souls wielding a gigantic cattle prod every time I try to just take a little time to myself! 

At this point, I'm not really sure if this is some kind of gearing up for a crazy week ahead, and I'm getting things organized so that the mundane tasks are simplified, or if, perhaps, I am getting my house in order for some sort of major change...and those are just the things which come to me right now.  It could be something else entirely, as my energies are definitely changing!

In fact, I had been becoming frustrated while dancing because my energy level and stamina seemed to be waning.  After only three visits to the gym which each involved a 20 minute stint on one of the cardio machines, my stamina is coming back with a vengeance!  Such a vengeance, in fact, that I overdid it a bit last night and my knee was quick to remind me that, despite the surgery having been done a year ago, I still have to be conscious of how I'm working my knee, walking, sitting and otherwise respecting the capabilities and the limitations.  I do have such a problem accepting limitations!  <sigh>

The closest I can come to a comparison of the current energy I seem to be experiencing is a cross between Ricochet Rabbit and Hammy the Squirrel (of Over the Hedge Fame). 

There is one drawback to having a hyperactive, manic kind of energy, and that lies in the fact that settling down to any one task for an extended amount of time is enough to give me the twitches, and the longer I'm stuck at the task, the twitchier I become.

The obvious solution is to just change tasks periodically, and above all, to get up and move, perhaps even rapidly and while burning a lot of that excess energy.  One of two things could happen.  One, I could burn off the excess energy, allowing myself to settle down and focus for awhile.  Two, I could increase my energy until I'm nothing short of bouncing off the walls, and of little use to anyone, unless they happen to need a lot of energy for the task at hand!

Knowing my luck, it's going to end up being number two!  (as Dylan lays on my desk, urging me in his mellow fashion to subscribe to the belief of  "Hakuna Matata".)  It's not that I'm worrying, per se.  It's more that every time I sit down, I think of something else I wanted to take care of.  As one thing leads to another, pretty soon, I've done a whole bunch of things that had nothing to do with relaxing!   

So I start the new (and, for me, short) week wondering just where this crazy energy might take me, and knowing that the best thing I can do is sit down, buckle up, hold on and hold good thoughts, because it's sure to be a wild ride of a week!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for all the chores I completed this weekend.
2. I am grateful for the cuddle time I spent with my cats.
3. I am grateful for the healing energies flowing through my home, and for the help I'm getting from Dylan and Toby to keep that energy flowing.
4. I am grateful for a lovely start to my day, having breakfast with the kids.
5. I am grateful that Loki's $200/ml prescription only has to be administered once a week at first, .25ml at a time, and should taper off with time.

Love and light.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

October 12, 2013 OK, so there is one excuse, but none for lacking kindness.

Contrary to what I said the other night, there is one excuse for missing a blog post, and it occurred last night. 

As I sat on the sofa, catching up on the Thursday night shows I'd DVR'd and cuddling with my cats, I started feeling that telltale ache in my head.  This one occurred with no warning, so I didn't have time to relax away the headache.  I finally lay back on the sofa with a blanket over my face as I couldn't even manage to get up and turn off the lights by then. 

Waking up an hour or so later, it was all I could do to turn off lights, take out my contacts and crawl into bed, in hopes that the headache would finally dissipate. 

Thankfully, I woke up this morning with a clear head and lots of kitties demanding my attention, but as you may have noticed, last night's blog post didn't happen. 

So, that's my story and I'm stickin' to it! :)

A friend shared this list and I found it so incredibly accurate and interesting that I decided to share it with my readers.  It was really because of number 10 that I realized it would be nice to have this in front of us so we could refer back to it when that dreaded number 10 reared its ugly head and we needed a reminder to, if nothing else, be kinder to ourselves.

We, as humans, tend to judge whichever human form we currently take as harshly and unkindly as humanly possible.  We would never judge or friends, our enemies or even our frienemies in this fashion, yet think nothing of doing it to ourselves! 

Why is that? 

Some might attribute it to having high expectations of ourselves, which, in and of itself is not bad.  But to have those high expectations and continually berate and castigate ourselves for not living up to our expectations seems to me to be something from the life of Sybil! 

We think nothing of beating ourselves up over the most minor of mistakes!  We are completely clueless as to why something goes "wrong" over and over again.  Hello!  If you learned the lesson the first time and made it a part of your life, you wouldn't have to go back  and retake the test...over and over and over...

I, for one, keep failing the test of patience, so, naturally, the lesson smacks me in the face repeatedly.  I'd like to think that I'm starting to get it, but as the lessons haven't stopped, and have, in fact, gotten tougher, I know I have along way to go!

I am also learning that when someone's behavior strikes a nerve, to look more closely into why it strikes that nerve, and further, what I can do to stop reacting to that behavior. 

So all I'm really trying to say, here, is that life is a learning experience, and we need to treat ourselves the way we treat our children as they learn and grow.  We need to be patient and understanding with ourselves.  We need to give ourselves attaboys instead of "why didn't you do that better"s.  We need to congratulate ourselves for our successes, and encourage ourselves when things don't turn out quite like we'd planned.

In short, spread all of that kindness we so effortlessly give to others back onto ourselves.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I have the right tool at the right time.  When the idiot light in my car went on to alert me that my tire pressure was low in one of the four tires, I pulled out my handy dandy compressor that my daughter bought me for Christmas one year, extracted my trusty tire gauge from the storage box between the front seats, located the troublemaker and, in fact, inflated all four tires to their proper pressure.
2. I am grateful for exceptional nights of dancing like tonight when I feel like I'm on a combination of a caffeine high and floating on pure energy.
3. I am grateful for the help my kids are giving me in caring for the medical needs of my cats.
4. I am grateful for a day of down time which was actually quite productive, as I got all of my laundry done, plus the bedding and some towels (much to the disgust of my felines!) AND vacuumed the bedroom!
5. I am grateful for a house that, while certainly not immaculate, stays cleaner as a result of my own ministrations.

Love and light.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

October 10, 2013 The detachment continues.

As I continue to feel detached, disconnected and otherwise out of sync with the world around me, I took a few moments to re-read the October Power Path Forecast, and as I did, I found myself nodding my head and saying:  "Yes, yes...feel that...feel that too...I can relate...hmmmm".

If you're interested in reading it yourself, here's the link.

Essentially, the message for the month is "Reset", which includes shutting the whole system down, and bringing it back up, free of the old paradigms and expectations.  I've known for awhile that I want and need to change my path, whether it might be career, personal life, relationships, whatever.  Change is definitely needed or I'll start to stagnate, if I haven't already.    The power path forecast talks about stopping what you're doing and giving yourself a break.  It mentions giving yourself some down time, and that, if you don't do so voluntarily, it will be forced upon you by circumstance or even illness.

So far, the illness part has manifested in my animals and I hope they aren't taking the hit for me!  I've had issues here and there, like a broken garage door which have put a hitch in my gitalong, but for the most part, I'm chugging along, albeit not fully engaged. 

Perhaps the detachment is my way of taking a break.  It's not that I'm failing to complete tasks or get the things done I need to, but that's as far as it goes.  What I mean is, I'm not getting anything extra done, just the bare necessities.   

As you can see from the video I inserted here, the song "Bare Necessities" from Disney's "The Jungle Book" immediately popped into my head, and after giving it a listen, it is entirely appropriate for this Reset October. 

"Relax, don't work so hard.  The bare necessities of life will come to you." 

I know I've been worrying a lot about the health of two of my cats, not to mention the increased strain on my finances to ensure that they are as healthy as possible.  It seems that my lack of focus is just a reminder that I need to relax and allow things to take care of themselves for now.  That doesn't mean stop paying my bills and keeping up with feedings and meds and vet visits and going to work and such.  Nor does it mean that resuming my workout routine would be a bad thing.

What it does mean is to stop fretting about it and just do what I need to do, then relax and the rest will come together.  I did put out to the Universe that I need to find a way to supplement my income.  I know that's all I need to do for now, other than to allow opportunities to come to me.  Until then, taking care of existing tasks so that the way will be clear when things begin to materialize is second only to relaxing and allowing.

So this is me, relaxing and allowing the bare necessities of life to come to me!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for reminders to relax and go with the flow.
2. I am grateful for all of the things which manifest when I cease trying to control them.
3. I am grateful for the improved and improving health of my cats.
4. I am grateful for possibilities which come in all shapes and sizes, and often when you least expect them.
5. I am grateful for a most excellent night of dancing with the best DJ ever!

Love and light,

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

October 9, 2013 Arguing with myself

As I sat in the living room, falling asleep in front of the TV tonight, knowing I still had to give Loki her meds and straighten up the kitchen, the thought crossed my mind that I didn't need to write a post tonight.  The thought was fleeting, however as I recognized that by continuing to give myself permission to skip nights would have the same result as my gym workouts did a couple of months ago. 

So just as I'm refusing myself excuses for continually missing workouts ( I missed one this week, but made sure I went tonight), I accept no excuses for missing a blog post.

Even if, like tonight, I don't really have anything pressing to write about, I can still jot a few sentences and end with my gratitudes.  And, who knows?  The muse my hop out, bite me in the butt and take over the keyboard, cranking out something incredibly profound with no help from me! 

So here I sit, ensuring the continuing survival of my blog, and more, of my commitment to writing, even if, at times, what hits the page is pretty awful   Just as a bad workout is better than no workout, a boring blog post is better than none. 

An early morning call from the vet brought amazing news!  Patches' blood and urine numbers for her kidneys were back to normal so the rise appears to be directly related to the infection.  Even better, she got to come home today instead of tomorrow!  She's settled back in quite nicely, even tolerating the once daily administration of her antibiotics which we have to continue for the next 9 days.  In her own way, I think she gets that we're only trying to help her feel better.

Meanwhile, Scooby has forgiven me, both for taking her away for a couple of days and for failing to understand that, when he was peeing on the floor in front of me, it wasn't because HE was sick but that he was trying to tell me that SHE was!  How was I supposed to know this???  But as long as I'm no longer in the dog house, I am not going to let it worry me.  The family is back together and that's all that really matters!

But I won't bore you with any more drivel tonight.  I'm half falling asleep in front of the computer, so I'll finish with my gratitudes and call it a night:

1. I am grateful that Patches is home and returning to good health.
2. I am grateful for Loki's continued good spirits in spite of the vet's insistence that she continues to deteriorate.
3. I am grateful fro Scooby's attentiveness to his sisters and his mom.
4. I am grateful that I've been accomplishing a lot at work again.
5. I am grateful for the big, empty space next to my driveway.  I feel less cluttered, despite the fact that it was really just a move and an organization that took place.

Love and light.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

October 8, 2013 Managing CRF (Chronic Renal Failure) in cats

My cat, Loki is seven years old now.  She went into renal failure when she was 4, so we've been managing her health for the last 3 years.  To look at her, aside from being on the thin side, you'd never know that she has undersized kidneys which function less and less as time goes on.  She's happy, demanding, playful and has a beautiful, sleek coat.  But the reality is that unless I can call down a miracle, her health will continue to deteriorate.  Her BUN and Creatinine numbers continue to climb and her red blood cell numbers have now fallen dangerously low. 

In the last six months, alone, we've had to increase her subcutaneous fluids from 125ml 3 times a week all the way up to 100ml every other day, and 150 on the alternate days.  She has frequent UTI's (that's urinary tract infections) because her kidneys aren't filtering enough into her urine to give it the oomph to kill bacteria.  She gets pepsid daily to keep the stomach acids down, an appetite stimulant every three days, and potassium as well as a phosporous binder twice a day.  We will soon be adding injections to stimulate the bone marrow to produce more red blood cells since her kidneys are no longer doing the job. 

Today, my vet even suggested a kidney transplant, but between the strong possibility of complications and the $50K price tag, I don't consider it an option.  Sometimes, she'll come to me asking for some healing, but mostly, I think she just trusts me to do my best, and, when the time comes, to let her go peacefully.  She knew when she saw me at Petco that I was willing to go to extremes to ensure a healthy, happy life for her, but that I also understood that there are limits and that when you reach them, you know that your furry friend and child would not appreciate your continuing to keep them alive past the point where their life has any quality. 

Enter my 16 year old Calico, Patches.  She started urinating on the floor in front of me this week, and a trip to the vet revealed a serious UTI for her as well, though in her case, not from a chronic condition.  Her age and the severity of the infection landed her in the hospital for a couple of days, which is especially traumatic for a cat who prefers to spend most of her day hiding, and who has never been away from home aside from the regular vet visits.  I spent about a half hour with her today, giving her cuddles and just talking to her so she knew I wasn't abandoning her.  The vet techs recognized fairly quickly that putting her in a small, upper cage was upsetting her, so they moved her to a larger, bottom cage and put a blanket over the door to give her the feeling of having her hidey hole.  Thankfully, she's responding well to the treatment and should be home in a couple of days, but between the two of them, the vet bills mount.  Yet, I can do no more than care for them to the best of my ability.  I send her visuals of smacking Dylan and Toby around to teach them manners, and of snuggling with Munchkin on the bed again to help her see herself as healthy and my "takes no crap" old girl again. 

Interestingly, as I drove her to the vet last night, I felt no fear or worry about her.  I knew she'd be in good hands and that she'd be healthy again soon, just as I know that every day I have with Loki is a precious gift.  She came into my life for a reason, and she gives me so much.  Her heart is enormous and her capacity to love is endless.  She's never met a stranger and is completely convinced that humans have one purpose, to take care of and pay attention to her! 

Despite Patches' tendency to hide a lot, her absence is definitely affecting the other cats.  Scooby stayed in the back of my closet until after 10:00 when he came out to eat and, at first, wouldn't let me near him!  After I reassured him that Patches would be home soon and that she just needed to go to the vet for a couple of days because she was very sick, he came to me and let me pet him.  I hadn't realized he had bonded with her like that!  I did expect, and have, in fact, seen Munchkin behaving rather off, but Patches has tended to mother her a bit since she joined the family, so she probably has the strongest bond.

For now, I am sending lots of pictures of healthiness and comfort to everyone, in hopes that we can all keep our stress levels low and refrain from filling either Patches or Loki with feelings of worry and distress.  Thankfully, my Familiar, Dylan, remains calm and supportive.

I'm apparently not handling the stress of my sick kids as well as I'd like a I feel a migraine starting, but I will still close with my gratitudes.

1. I am grateful that I changed vets, even though it meant a longer drive, as this one has someone there, monitoring Patches 24/7.
2. I am grateful for Loki's positive attitude and spunk, and the joy she brings to my life every day.
3. I am grateful for Dylan's mellow, stable influence as it keeps us all on a more even keel.
4. I am grateful that I have the ability to weather the increased vet bills so I can do my best to keep everyone healthy.
5. I am grateful for the support of Heather and Mathom who are intimately involved in the health of all of my animals as well as their own.

Love and light.