November 20, 2011 Drastic changes and a need for focus and motivation.

In 11 days, I will begin a new phase of my life, and one for which I'm not really sure I'm ready.  In 11 days, I will be the only human inhabitant of my house for the first time in more than 30 years.  I am trying to face this as a new and exciting challenge, but it is overshadowed by trepidation because of how I've lived my life without connections for a long time.  In less than two weeks, I will face one of the things I've secretly feared more than almost anything.  There won't be anyone except the cats to care whether or not I come home at night.  Nobody will be waiting inside a warm, cozy house, I won't feel it necessary and comforting to call someone to let them know I'll be late.  I don't mean to minimize the love and affection I have with my furry children, and I am extremely grateful that they will still be here, but the truth is, I feel very lost and alone right now.  Admittedly, it is my own fault for not establishing more close bonds over the last 20 years or so, and in letting go of the ones I had, but in many cases, at least the letting go part was necessary as I grew and evolved into someone who, normally, sees the positive aspect in everything. 

Maybe that's why I'm so scared right now.  I'm having a tough time climbing up out of this sad, little hole I've dug for myself.  I want to be happy and positive and supportive, but I seem to be sliding back into my old ways and that, in and of itself, is terrifying and frustrating.  I even found myself thinking last night that it's a good thing I'm not suicidal like my parents were, or I'd be really worried about me right now.  I've shed a lot of tears in the last two days, and know that more will be shed before I figure out where I'm going to go next.

Added to all of this is the fact that, since the remodel hasn't started yet, and, frankly, I'm starting to have doubts that it ever will since the contractor's license is once again active, but they haven't seen fit to contact me, I have to face the rest of the packing up and moving all by myself.  I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to get the furniture moved, much less all the packing and the storing of the boxes!  Granted, I should have two completely empty rooms to use for locking up cats and temporary storage, but the task is still incredibly daunting.  (of course, the aches from yesterday's weight workout aren't exactly inspiring me to great feats of strength right now!) 

I keep telling myself that I can and will take care of myself and my home and my animals, but in reality, I haven't had to do it alone for a very long time.  Heather has taken part of the load for years, now.  Added to the concerns is two upcoming business trips.  I know she'll take care of the cats for me while I'm gone, but it won't be like someone is at the house, watching over things.  They won't have someone to snuggle with while I'm gone, and I know they will be very unhappy.  And the way things are going, the remodel may still be in progress, no, in all likelihood, at least for the first trip, WILL be in progress, which will shake up their world that much more! 

Face it, I'm going to find a million ways to stress myself out in the next few months.  What I need is something that will give me calmness.  I tried meditating yesterday, and, in fact, had several of the cats on the bed with me including Munchkin who was curled up on my lap, but the visions I had were very disturbing.  In one, I went out to the patio to find that my dad had invited a whole bunch of people over for a party without letting me know about it.  I was upset because the house was a mess and I hadn't had the opportunity to clean it up, which I would have had he let me know he was bringing people home.  I know that I need to get my house in order, literally, and have made little forays into doing so, but can't seem to find it in myself to put forth the really intense effort that is needed right now.  I think what I need is a coach to help me stop procrastinating and come up with a plan of action.  I also need someone to work with so I don't feel so alone, but as that's not going to happen in the foreseeable future, I need to find the motivation within myself.

In reality, what I lack is at least one really close friend who I can talk to without feeling like I'm taking advantage of their kindness; someone who will give me the kick in the butt I need to get past this.  Sadly, although a couple of people have offered to listen, I just don't feel right unloading on them.  Kind as they may be, we have a single point of interest (or in some cases, maybe two) in common, and that's it.  We don't see each other outside of those points of interest, so I wouldn't see we're really more than close acquaintances.  I just don't think it's fair to throw my troubles in their laps.  And I have noticed that I've begun watching the interaction between couples with a huge dose of envy.  I have to admit that the one word that really describes where I'm at and why I'm so scared is "Lonely". 

Love and light