As this month has been one of transformation for me, I have not followed a lot of my normal practices, but have allowed things to evolve as they would.
For the first three weeks, I simply allowed myself to enjoy the holiday preparations. I did my shopping, leisurely wrapped packages, did some decluttering, put up the tree (though it never got decorated), went to the gym when I felt like it, danced a lot, and did a lot of self-healing.
As the New Year approached, I honored some work related commitments and continued to work on my book which passed the 60,000 word mark by early January.
During one self-healing session, I was experiencing an upset stomach which was going to interfere with a movie day with my kids. I tried a couple of things, but finally just imagined water flushing whatever toxins were upsetting my stomach away, and went on to enjoy a fun movie and froyo with the kids.
But I realized that I hadn’t gotten to the root of the problem, which became especially apparent when I started working on this month’s homework.
And here, I will digress a bit. I’ve discovered that the homework keeps increasing in intensity and, as a result, I can only manage to work on it for a couple of hours at a time before I need to take a break. Although I might be tempted to pick it up again, my Higher Self and Guides turn me away, letting me know that I need to allow what I’ve done to settle before moving on.
Back to the topic at hand (for my non-ADHD readers who might find my rapid topic changes slightly unsettling): While going through the first couple of chapters and associated questions, it became brutally apparent that the issue I’ve been struggling with, and which is directly associated with the second chakra which I’ve been working to clear for the last 6 months or so (rather successfully, I might add), is intimacy.
I’ve shown resistance to intimacy in many ways, but am, only now, becoming aware of the interrelationship between them.
First, I have a really hard time making close friends, not because people aren’t out there who would be easy to connect with, but because I am still shy of letting anyone get too close. I have, in the last couple of years, been blessed with many wonderful, amazing, caring, positively charged women in my life. Though I have certainly opened myself up to friendships, I am not yet, for some reason, at a point where I can form the really close bonds I see they all have with at least one other woman.
And here, I must digress again, because December saw me having to end a relationship too. The kids and I had made a lot of effort to include her in holidays and such, despite the fact that it meant a great deal of driving to pick her up, bring her here, then return her to her home again. On Thanksgiving, she was given a time frame for pickup, yet needed to make numerous phone calls when the earlier time had passed. Unbeknownst to her, we were wrestling with a power problem and were not near our phones at the time.
Upon her arrival where the festivities were well underway, with everyone cheerfully adjusting to the temporary arrangements we had to make to get dinner finished, she brought a blast of negative energy in the form of her obvious annoyance. She promptly sat on the couch and expected everyone to serve her instead of getting up and using her walker to take her the 8 feet or so to the dining room table where the buffet was set up (I should note that she had no problem taking care of herself the year before, and frankly, I’d think she’d prefer to do as much as possible for herself!).
She expressed annoyance at the silliness which was going on around her, and when it was time to take her home, complained about it to my son-in-law the entire way home.
My kids subsequently expressed a lack of desire to repeat the process for Christmas (which as it turns out, was a good thing, when my daughter insisted we all unwrap our first presents from her, and a Nerf gun fight erupted in my living room!) Thus, we gave her no time for pickup and sent her a Christmas gift which began arriving well before the Day.
The day before Christmas, she wanted to know when to expect Mathom, and I let her know we weren’t including her for this one as she was not comfortable with my adopted grandson. To make a long story short (and because I’m tired of the negative energy this discussion is exuding) she posted some pretty vituperative remarks publicly on Facebook which resulted in my unfriending her. I didn’t realize at the time that she could still private message me until her anger erupted into my private message box. At that point, I found that I could also block her and have done so.
Although I am saddened to have to take such a strong stand, I realize that this was a test of my boundaries, and the fact that I needed to re-establish them with her. She takes no responsibility for the fact that she has pushed her son and most of her friends away (by her own admission, friends used to come help her but rarely do any more) and now, my kids and I as well, by her constant complaining and expectations that the world should stop when she’s around and focus on her. I wish her the best and hope she sees what she’s doing before it’s too late. My thoughts for her involve a great deal of imaginary, heart-shaped confetti these days, love and light, and all of the blessings that are hers for the seeking.
I don’t know if extending myself to her, only to find that the ugliness was still within her has been a setback to resolving my own intimacy issues. It has certainly reminded me that those issues are not new to me, and certainly have something to do with the lack of intimacy in my youth, the subsequent choices I made which continued to “look for love in all the wrong places” as the song says, and the closing off I’ve done for the past 15 years or better.
But whatever is behind it, as this is a year of putting my comfort zone behind me, I’m looking for ways to continue the process. I’m reinstating my attendance at the Wednesday night 2-step classes for starters. I’m doing my best to reach out to friends and family in a more loving, caring way which includes lowering my own walls still further. And I’m opening myself up to the possibility, the very real possibility that I could meet someone and actually start dating again. I felt a certain lightness after I typed that, and even heaved a sigh of relief, so I’m sure that by putting it out there like this, I’ve given the Universe the permission it needed, let it know that I’m ready to allow a kind of attention I’ve shied away from for a long time.
And all of this is why I have to take my homework in small bites. When I work on homework, or re-evaluate the personal healing sessions I do, it’s exhausting! I need time to refresh and regroup before moving on.
And speaking of healing sessions: I had my monthly massage with Barb and told her I’d hit a block on my book. I told her what I’ve already mentioned to others about how the latest chapter just wasn’t coming together. I felt like I was missing an important part. I’m so glad I did! During the session, after she did a chelation and made a beeline for my left hip which had been hurting (and gave it a really good working out in the process!), I found myself drifting to the sticky part of the book, and suddenly, I had exactly what I needed to go on! At first, I was worried that I’d forget by the time I got home to write it down, then realized that all I needed to do was to sit at the computer and allow. The rest would happen without any effort on my part, because, in truth, the answer was in my subconscious mind all the time!!!
After running a number of errands (as I’m now working from home, I seem to have a preference for bundling things together so I have full days when I don’t leave the house), I came home and put the words down on screen while munching on a sandwich and soup I’d picked up at the market. The relief at putting an end to my writer’s frustration (this was more than a mere block!) was immense!!
At the risk of writing something so long that nobody will want to take the time to read this, I'll end it here with my gratitudes and maybe write some more in another post tonight.)
1. I am grateful for lessons.
2. I am grateful for reminders that only I can set and maintain my boundaries.
3. I am grateful for the enlightenment I am receiving through homework and practice sessions.
4. I am grateful for the loving examples I have around me which will enable me to achieve the levels of intimacy I desire.
5. I am grateful for the additional energy I'm experiencing in this new life I've given myself.
Love and light (and heart shaped confetti where it's wanted or needed)