Combined with the frustrations of being sick with something or another for the last week and a half, which is seriously out of character, I'm revisiting parts of my past and asking myself a lot of questions.
When I quit my job to write last December, I had planned to continue taking on accounting work in order to supplement my savings and minimize the draws. That went ok for about 3 months, but then, things began to slow, and finally, drop to something very minimal. My means of support has been on my mind for the last week or so, and in a moment of pure clarity and brutal honesty, I had to admit that I wasn't overly unhappy about the current state of affairs. It's as if I did it for years, sometimes enjoyed it, while mostly, it was just a job with a decent paycheck.
At this point, if work happens to come across my radar, I'll certainly bid it, but I much prefer focusing my efforts on my writing career, even though it might be awhile before it bears fruit. That's not to say that I'm going to put all of my eggs in one basket. I'm looking at other ways to use my talents as well, and may even find something along the way that really excites me and intrigues me. Who knows? That is a door I'm keeping wide open.
It feels like my life as an accountant happened a long time ago, now, rather than just a few months ago. In fact, at times, it doesn't even feel like it was my life at all!
Stopping every month or two to take a look at what I'm doing and where I want to go seems to have become a habit. I've developed a kind of trial and error process in which I put some things in place, let them go for a little while, then check in to see how things have been going. Sometimes I make changes, other times, small adjustments and, for now, on the very rare occasion, I'll see that something is actually working!
Two steps forward and one step back. Everybody Cha Cha!The trick, for now, is to relax and enjoy the process. I thought I was, but the last week or so of being sick, culminating with the first migraine (or at least, it tried to be a migraine, but was met with the wonderful relaxation technique I learned years ago and have perfected since then), I've had in months, I'm clearly not without a certain amount of stress right now.
If I were one of those doom and gloomers, I'd say that this time has been wasted, but as I try to recognize that in the best of times and in the worst of times, and everywhere in between, there are lessons to be learned, I'm looking for the lesson.
Life may be handing me a bushel of lemons right now, but lemonade is mighty tasty on these hot, sultry days!For now, if I'm sleeping a lot more and accomplishing only half of that which I'm capable, I believe it's for a reason. Getting whacked out about it simply means I accomplish even less, so what's the point?
For many years, while a single mom, I did everything at warp speed and kept my plate way too full. I don't think I really have any more to show for it than if I'd paced myself better, but it was right at the time. Sure, a lot of my friends are jetting off to Europe these days, while I'm living a lot more frugally than I'm used to. But I've found, in the process, that I actually enjoy eating out less and cooking for myself more. Missing out on this year's concert season isn't breaking my heart either.
The more leisurely pace my life has taken suits me right now. I don't expect it to last, but for now, it's exactly what I need. In fact, I believe that I will have a month, maybe two more like this before my life begins to speed up again, and I'll look back on this time as what a lot of people are calling it right now. A period, albeit temporary, of semi-retirement which I'm using to completely change the direction of my life. I'll find, in hindsight, that it was completely necessary to slow way down before making this abrupt and sharp left turn into something completely different.
Everything happens for a reason. This time is no different.While I'm getting used to the new road I'm on, strange as it seems, I'm even grateful for the minor, health-related setbacks of the last couple of weeks. They made me slow down, relax, and just cuddle with the cats for a few days. I think we all needed it, as there have been a lot of changes, both planned and not, pleasant and not so much, over the last 6 months. I think me and my furry kids just needed a little down time to adjust.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the lessons which are thrust upon me, as those are the ones that teach me so much of what I need to know.
2. I am grateful for the opportunity to try things, keep them if they work, discard them if they don't and replace them with something new. It makes my journey a lot more interesting.
3. I am grateful that I no longer dance to the time frames and expectations of someone else. I'm enough of a taskmaster, and have high enough expectations of me without someone else's interference.
4. I am grateful for the burgeoning friendships I'm enjoying as my life changes.
5. I am grateful for all of the opportunities before me. There really is nothing I cannot do or try if I choose to.
Love and light.