July 28, 2013 An auspicious beginning to a momentous journey.

The first full weekend of healer training has come to an end...or has it?

I have the weirdest feeling of being energized, yet drained.  I've gone from hot to cold to hot again in a matter of minutes. 

I discovered that the hints I've gotten since my early teens were valid beyond my wildest imaginings.  But I also discovered that when I do any kind of healing/energy work, I sweat like a pig!  Time seems to slip by unnoticed, or maybe, I'm running in a between time kind of world.  This is true both in the role of healer and recipient. 

I knew I'd be facing a lot of hard truths about myself, but was not expecting it to just come pouring out like an unstuck faucet!  (interestingly, my tub spout breathed its last and had to be replaced today, which, thankfully, was a really easy task!) 

Yesterday was mostly lecture and meditation, but meditation like I've never experienced.  It was the fire yoga of meditations, with movement and some vocalizations.  I also learned how humming helps to build the energy field.  We joined all of ours together, but today, I felt like mine, alone, filled the room.  I could feel it expanding and expanding and could see the bright golden light which sealed it.  But no matter how well I sealed it, when I left the safety of our classroom, I still felt raw and exposed.  I felt as if I was an enormous glowing ball of energy and was so bright that even the least sensitive of people could see it.   Let's not even get into the animals!!!  Loki just wanted to be in my lap, but her meow wasn't nearly as frantic.  I'm getting the feeling she's asking me to do some more healing on her, and I will, when I'm rested, be happy to comply.  Munchkin preferred sitting next to my head, smacking me in the face with her tail and Dylan is following me around the house again.  (he was kind of jumpy yesterday and kept running away from me!)

I think, in the next few days, people will, depending on their nature, be either attracted or repelled by me, though tonight I will see if I can figure out how to pull my energy field in so it doesn't spread quite so far.  It seems to me that I should have a control switch somewhere inside of me that regulates the darn thing!  It's almost as if, once released, it acts like an animal who's been caged for too long and runs completely amok!  (oh great!  Now, not only do we have writer run amok, but writer's energy field run amok!) 

Thankfully, one of my classmates suggested putting Pandora in my ear when I went into Home Depot (where, I just realized, I forgot the shop vac bags!) because the music that was playing, though something I normally enjoy, the people walking around, the lighting...everything!  just set my nerves on edge and I couldn't wait to get out of there!!! 

I was supposed to have dinner with the kids, but my daughter left me a message to call when class was done.  I called to learn that she'd invited several other people over to consume her left over baked goods and I could still "come over if I felt like it".  Truly, I felt a combination of not really being welcome and a complete lack of desire for being in a small apartment with a bunch of strangers so I opted out, which I think she expected anyway.  I settled for a pizza and a few chicken bites, but grapefruit juice seemed to be more satisfying to my body. 

Now, at least partially resuscitated and rehydrated (that's another thing I can't seem to get enough of right now!) I'm trying to get my thoughts out in some kind of coherent order.  Please forgive me, dear readers, if this comes out all a-jumble.  I think I'm criss-crossing timelines right now so my thoughts are coming from multiple lifetimes, both in time and space. 

What I learned this weekend:  My second and fifth chakras are blocked,  and connected.  They also seem to be connected to the pain in my knees because I'm not "walking the talk".  The blockage seems to have a lot to do with painful experiences involving commitment and choices.  I'll definitely be exploring this further in the months to come!

I get vivid pictures of objects or issues in other peoples' lives.  I can also get a feeling for an injury even if I can't identify it, and instinctively know what kind of energy to call down to it.  ( I drew in a spiral shaped energy for one thing and a double helix for another without understanding why either was used). 

I discovered that when I "see" auras, what I really do is sense them and mentally translate it into colors.  The seal around my own energy field is the most amazing, luminescent gold color, and one I do not recall ever seeing before. 

I learned that my old shielding is not going to be effective any more, and I need to practice sealing my energy field instead.  Once let loose, it is challenging to contain!  Clearly, it is annoyed with me for keeping it caged for as long as I have, but really, I wasn't ready to let it out because there was, clearly, no way I would have been able to control it until now.  Even so, I'm struggling and will learn to value my "alone time" more than ever before!  I am just grateful that I don't have to try to explain this to either my daughter and son-in-law.  Though their experiences might be different, they get the concept and accept what I'm saying without question or disbelief.  In fact, in speaking to my son-in-law tonight, he, too, has done some distance healing.  Small wonder he ended up as a medic in the Navy!  Of much larger wonder is why they are dragging their heels getting him back into a unit on active duty and allowing him to further his medical training.  He's able to use his training to diagnose and offer healing in areas I don't even understand! 

Even now, I sit her and my skin is vibrating.  The energy pulsing around me should be causing electronics to misbehave and lights to flicker.  ( I guess I have it sealed well enough to prevent that, at least!) 

The best part of this is that I'm connecting with four women who understand being different and sometimes, thought to be weird.  I've always felt disconnected from my peers and never really fit in anywhere.  I never understood why, just that it was so. 

Part of it, certainly, is the block at my sacral chakra which may even stretch back several lifetimes.  It has made it difficult, if not impossible, for me to connect with people fully and completely.  I do know, though, that the time has come to heal the chakra and open myself up to connections.  In truth the healing has already begun, to some degree, as I've begun connecting with people more in the last couple of years.  It's a slow process for me as I seem to be without the normal complement of tools for this connection stuff.  But with the help of the ladies in my circle and a few who are more gifted than they realize from my dance community, I suspect the healing will be neither as lengthy or as painful as I might otherwise have expected. 

In the meantime, those gifted with sight may need sunglasses until I learn some control, but I will be asking my guides for some assistance in that area (unless, of course, (and this thought just came to me) I'm supposed to be glowing this brightly for now, in which case, I'll just have to get used to the brightness and heat for awhile!), as they see fit to guide me.  After the initial shock yesterday, the cats don't seem to be overly bothered by it, and, in fact, they seem to be enjoying it! 

I also warned my circle that my writing could become even more prolific now, and as this has already reached nearly 1400 words, I don't think I made that promise idly. 

Although, after making the decision to commit to this year-long training and all that it entails, I felt some trepidation and a whole bucket full of second thoughts, the confirmation I received in only the first weekend that what I'm seeing, feeling and otherwise sensing is accurate to the point of uncanny, has banished any of those thoughts and fears.  I also learned that everyone else had the same feelings.  I suppose we all sensed that parts of the process could be a little scary and open up places we had closed up so tightly that we didn't even know we had them!  But as we can't pass energy through closed areas in our own psyche's and energy fields, we're going to have to rip off all of those bandages at some point and let the air, sun and energy start the healing process.  But we won't be going through the process alone, but will have our circle of women to help us through. 

We bring a host of different experiences and knowledge to the table and, I believe, were brought together for a reason.  With each others' help, we'll all grow stronger, less fearful, more confident and able to take our place in the roles for which we were intended.  The world is changing quickly now, and we are part of that change.

One last thought.  During our meditation today, I kept hearing the word "Mother" in reference to myself.  Whenever I heard it, I felt that I needed to connect with the Crone who is to be my mentor and teacher, but, at the moment, I don't know who that might be.  That, too, will be revealed in the weeks and months to come.  I trust that my ancestors know and will provide her when the time is right.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am so blessed to have found the circle where I can safely learn to use my gifts.
2. I am so very grateful to finally have confirmation that the things I see are real.
3. I am grateful to be starting on a path to healing myself so that I can truly be of service to others.
4. I am grateful to be feeling more that I am Source, and understanding better what that actually means.
5. I am grateful to be connecting with my Sister Ancestors who have been anxiously awaiting the moment when they would be allowed to help me come into my gifts.

Love and light