April 19, 2011 Passover

Interesting day although I overslept and thus, didn't get to do my ACIM lesson or write in my blog until now (11PM ish).  First, I got off the fence and booked the rest of my trip to Sedona.  Yay!  I'm looking forward to meditating, hiking and, above all, writing.

Second, Heather and I attended a Community Seder.  I haven't participated in a Seder in more years than I remember but this one, because of it's casualness and hominess, was really reminiscent of the ones my dad's family used to have.  I really liked how the seder itself had been re-written to encompass more recent events like the Holocaust and other cases of persecution and man's inhumanity to man.  There were a lot of correlations to the concepts of gratitude and compassion which I've been so aware of in the last few years.  Again, the Universe is opening my eyes to what has always been before me, but took me awhile to actually see.  On the way home, we were discussing the Seder and the concept of being a Divine Being having a Human Experience.  Heather said she'd heard that exact phrase in connection with Buddhism.  I'm sure it's common to several different belief systems, though.  It's just so basic to me, at least now.

Still having trouble with the shoulder I abused, and OTC pain meds are pretty much useless.  At dinner, Heather mentioned needing to take some turmeric for her knee and the little lightbulb went off in my head.  Took two when I got home and, Voila!  My shoulder feels much better!  The pain was bad enough, but when the arm and hand went numb, I was a bit concerned.  Will talk to the Chiro about it tomorrow.

Sitting here thinking about what to type next, and looked at the clock on the task bar to find that, once again, it's 11:11.  OK, Universe, you don't have to beat me over the head.  I get it.  Really!  Stomach is nervous but I think that all of the new endeavors are giving me a jumpy tummy.  It'll pass, if nothing else, by the time I board that plane!  I haven't been back to AZ since I ended things with Bill,and I honestly don't remember what year that was!  It wasn't important enough for me to remember dates, and heaven only knows, I don't remember the faces of any of the players any more.  Definitely a case where I walked away and, after a short time, didn't feel the need to look back any more.  I took the lesson and left the feelings behind.  Something I try to do in so many aspects of my life.  In some cases, it's really easy and in others, I need to put a little more effort and time into it.  Interestingly, it's a similar blank spot to the one I have for the girls' father.  I know the time happened, but it isn't even a memory any more.  It's just a spot in my life, like a dot on a map which doesn't even resolve itself into something tangible.  Funny how that works.  I know there was some pain at the time, and a lot of anger, but now, none of whatever was there seems to even be worth the bother.   Just a blip on the radar, like so many parts of my life that were painful at the time. 

I realize, though, that I've never really been in love yet.  That's not to say that it can't happen, merely that it hasn't.  Oh, I thought, in a case or two, and for an instant, that I might have been, but seriously, if I had been, they wouldn't be blank spots now.  There'd be some kind of fond memory, even if there'd been hurt.  I really have never given my heart to anyone, with no restrictions.  More to the point, I've never met anyone with whom I felt I really wanted to do so.  Maybe that's the whole "finding your soulmate" thing.  Once that occurs, you don't really think about whether or not you will, you just do.  To me, it would be like putting on an old, soft pair of jeans or a well broken in pair of shoes.  It's just comfortable and right and you don't analyze the rightness of it.  You just relax and enjoy the feeling.  Like a warm, soft bed after a long day.  You lay down, sink in, and your whole mind and body elicit an AHHHHHHHHH.  That's what I expect to find. 

Love and light.