Today was an upside down and backwards kind of day.
I realize that's a rather odd statement, but if you hang out with me for a bit, I'll explain.
By midday, I was feeling pretty good about myself. I'd finally made it back to the gym and worked out until my muscles were shaking (which, by the way, is a GOOD thing!). I realized afterwards that I had inadvertently gone back to my old routine which had two days of upper body and one of legs which gave me a good excuse to go back tomorrow and do the other half of my upper body!
By 1:00 I had worked out, gotten all of my errands run and even had time to meditate and grab a light lunch before heading out to get my hair done, and then head for my usual Saturday night dancing. But this is where things began to go awry.
Having skipped the wedding which began around 1 ish, I arrived to find all of the country dancing wedding guests in great spirits, and the spirits they consumed didn't hurt either! As they'd been together for several hours already, they had established a wonderful camaraderie...which I didn't share. Not that they weren't happy to see me and did their best to include me, I just didn't share the wedding bliss that they all had in common tonight.
I also felt, more strongly than ever tonight, that I was neither part of a couple nor part of a close knit group of friends who hangs out together, both at the club and elsewhere. The couples exchange phone numbers and get together to do couple things. The groups of friends have their own activities and connections.
Stepping back, I realized that it wasn't just me who fell into this no-man's-land. There are a few of us who arrive at the club alone, maybe hang with a few people here and there, but leave alone and just haven't connected socially with anyone outside of Thursday and Saturday nights. (It's funny, while I'm typing, I have a cat headbonking my leg and another trying desperately to insinuate himself between me and the keyboard. They know I'm not my usual self and want to help in any way they can!)
Knowing I'm not exactly alone, however, is not making this feeling of isolation any better. As people began leaving, blaming exhaustion from too many hours of dancing, I felt myself sinking lower and lower until, driving home, I felt close to tears. Because it didn't make sense to me, I became angry with myself for an emotion that didn't make sense. But as I've told my kids for years, your feelings are your feelings. They don't have to make sense, and mine most certainly do not make sense right now!
For awhile, I was able to take myself to a place where someone cherished me and was holding me while we chatted with everyone else, but I found it hard to hang on to that feeling for very long. What I felt most strongly was lack and, of course, that pissed me off even more! Feeling lack attracts lack and what I want to attract is love, affection and cherishing, not the lack thereof!
So what's going on here? Are my cosmos aligned all wrong? Have I stepped into an alternate universe? Has something sucked all of the positive energy out of me? Whatever the cause, it is NOT acceptable and I will not stand for this feeling of lack, this feeling of disonnectedness, this feeling of not belonging!!!
I'm taking some comfort in stroking my big, fluffy Weejie who has sprawled across my desk, and in scratching the calico who is headbonking my leg under the chin while she purrs hear little head off. Comfort, yes, but a solution to this rather disturbing turn of events, no,.
I really need an immediate infusion of positivity. OK, let's see. Blessings. Count them.
1. I have a roof over my head and sufficient food on my table.
2. I have a wonderful daughter and son-in-law who make sure that I'm always ok.
3. I have some great friends who inspire me.
4. I have cats who love me and share my life.
5. I have dancing which feeds my soul.
6. I have my writing which pushes me to do better.
7. I have a job which lets me use my mind and improve my skills in many ways.
8. I am healthy.
I was going to type "I am happy" for number 9, but I just couldn't do it because, right now, I am not happy. The stupid thing is, I don't have any real reason for being unhappy, much less close to tears, but there you have it.
As I just can't blessing myself out of this funk tonight, I guess I'll sleep on it, hoping that whatever is missing will come to me while I'm dreaming one of my memorably dysfunctional dreams and that a hard workout tomorrow will dispell the rest.
Contrary to the title, then, I haven't really found the blessing in the pity party yet, but I'm sure that I will, given enough time.
Meanwhile,
1. I am grateful for the love of my cats.
2. I am grateful for an outlet, even when I'm gloomy and doomy,
3. I am grateful for friendships, old, new and yet to come.
4. I am grateful for the joy I feel while dancing.
5. I am grateful for epiphanies.
Love and light
