November 17, 2012 Clarification, my happy hiney!

Last night when I lay down to sleep, I asked the Universe for clarifying dreams.  I needed more information in order to understand the message I'd received the night before.  What I got was anything but, as far as I'm concerned!

The dream which stands out most in my mind involved me going to my massage therapist's for my monthly massage.  Understand, first that her studio and the area around her house are always meticulously tended with thriving plants, manicured lawn and a total air of order and peace. 

In the dream, everything was overgrown with grass growing high in the planters.  There was chaos everywhere with brides walking around fully dressed and ready for their big day, her calendar all confused as to who had an appointment when, to the point that, although I was certain I'd booked a 9:00 appointment, I was suddenly unsure as to whether I shouldn't have been there until 11:00.  Apparently, I wasn't alone as there were several clients hanging around, also unsure as to when they were scheduled. 

It didn't seem to matter though, as we went into the back yard and sat at a heavily laden table and started talking.  She was raving about the amazing pizza her partner was making as a result of being disappointed with restaurant fare.  They showed me the pizza but ate it without offering me or anyone else some.  She did offer me a stack of thin chocolates saying that they were only 35 calories.  When I asked if she meant the whole stack, I was told that that was only for one.  I took one and tried hard to eat and enjoy it, but it was hard as a rock.  It was, it seemed, supposed to be similar to a Heath bar, but much harder, and I finally gave up trying.  I thought to myself, if the thing was only 35 calories, I used up more than that just trying to eat it!!! 

At one point during the night, I was dreaming that my knee was aching, then woke to find that it was.  I got up, changed positions and woke later with it feeling better.  I also dreamt that I had a screaming headache, woke slightly to find that I did, but fell asleep again, and awoke to find it was gone.  Of course, by then, I had kitties piled on top of me wanting to know why I wasn't awake yet as it had been light out for HOURS!!! 

The overall theme I'm getting from this is confusion, which is singularly unhelpful as I was already confused!!!  It feels like the Universe is having yet another of its belly laughs at my expense.  It's as if they're saying "sorry kiddo, but you're going to have to figure this one out yourself, and we're going to enjoy the heck out of watching the process.  Hope it takes awhile as the longer it takes, the more amusing you become!"

So much for Universal high fives.  I think we're back to headslaps!

This has certainly been a year of challenges for me.  The challenge of finding closure for my venture into the remodeling world.  The challenge to find a way to actually make the remodel happen, even if I have to do it in pieces.  The challenge of planning my daughter's wedding.  The challenge of my job (and there isn't enough room here to go into that!).  The challenge of adapting to my first full year of living alone in about 30 years (which wasn't that hard to adapt to, aside from having all of the chores to myself!). 

And that doesn't even include the challenges I've set for myself.  The challenge to write every day until I finally get back to my book (or a book for that matter!).  The challenge to get myself healthy and fit.  The challenge to overcome my tendency towards reactiveness.  The challenge to find my true path and give something back to the world. 

I'm happy to say that, for the most part, I've overcome the challenges I've set, or at least set out on the path to overcoming them.  I suspect that as I do resolve each one, I will replace them with others as each successful challenge yields valuable lessons.  I certainly don't feel as overwhelmed as I did earlier this year.  I've decluttered and cleared and cleaned.  I still have a long way to go, but I have made significant progress and I'm very proud of myself for that! 

And let us not forget that I got my knee fixed and am well on the way to a complete recovery!  I am immensely grateful for that! 

As I'm sitting here writing this at 9:00 in the morning, I have a feeling that it could be setting a precedent, not only for writing much earlier in the day, but possibly writing more than once a day!   Wouldn't that be a hoot after struggling for so long to write something, anything, once a day!  And I can't really give up my nightly writing because I've found that it really helps me sleep better!  Could it be that my next challenge is creating itself?  Could it be that getting back to the book writing will involve additional discipline with regards to my regular writing?  Will I suddenly find myself writing in every spare moment of the day until I'm able to just write all day long and not worry about mundane matters like jobs, meetings and getting out of my pajamas if the muse strikes early in the morning?  Will I once again find myself at a desk, littered with coffee cups, remnants of quickly grabbed meals and notes jotted down so I wouldn't forget them in the midst of my writing frenzy? 

A strange excitement is brewing in me after typing the last paragraph.  It is as if this is where I'm headed, in my two steps forward, one step back kind of way.  Is the slow progress necessary for me to achieve the desired results?  Are some of the frustrations I've been faced with part of what will make my writing more solid, more believable, more, dare I say it, marketable?  I have to pause to think on that.

Just for grins, I checked my average word count for the last few posts and found that it ranged from 600-900 words.  This post (without gratitudes, even) has already exceeded 1000!  If nothing else, my tendency to say things in 10,000 words or more is returning in force!  I can't say I'm sorry that it's back.  In fact, I really have to welcome it with open arms after sitting here some nights, looking at a blank screen, trying to drag a single coherent thought out of my brain.

I had a conversation with my massage therapist at my last appointment about the series Laws of Attraction.  I was surprised to learn that she had only just discovered it as she is extremely well read in all things Spiritual.  But it reminded me that I have two more books in the series which I had barely touched, and which have been sitting on my shelf for over a year.  After our conversation, I picked up the one dealing with emotions and started reading.  I found that I was unable to sit still and read for very long, so I put the book beside my bed, and read a couple of chapters every night.  I think this is actually a better way to read them than just blowing straight through as it gives me the opportunity to mull over what I've read.  The recurring concept so far has been one of being in a canoe and trying to paddle upstream.  Everything you want or need is downstream, and all you need to do is allow yourself to ride the current.  But we so often try to paddle upstream as if we think there is something we missed behind us.  It is like we're trying to recapture the past instead of embracing the present and the future.  No matter how hard we try, we cannot rewrite what has already occurred.  The only real influence it has is that it has helped to form what we are today, and gave us the lessons on which we continue to build.  But it's over, done, kaput.  There are no "do overs" in life.  Better to thank the Universe for the lessons, stand up and say very firmly, "NEXT!!" and step off the next cliff like the Fool on the Hill.

Life is a journey.  It is entirely up to you whether it will be boring or exciting.  Boring is easy and safe, but limits growth and expansion.  Exciting has its perils, but frankly, I rather like roller coasters, especially the ones with hidden surprises!

My gratitudes this morning are:

1. I am grateful for roller coasters.
2. I am grateful for challenges which, once overcome are replaced with newer, tougher ones.
3. I am grateful for Saturday mornings when I don't have to be anywhere and can go wherever the muse takes me.
4. I am grateful for inspiration which comes, more often than not, from the amazing women in my life.
5. I am grateful for shakups in my routine which continue to make my life interesting and unique.

Love and light.